The Butcher
by GoogleFloobs
Summary: Some soldiers are beyond Renegade; some are monsters. The following is "The Butcher," our most recent Pulitzer Prize winner's masterpiece: an interview with former Alliance Commander John Shepard. It is a first person account of the journey from the source: the man's epic from his time with the Tenth Street Reds to the Reaper War. M for Language/Violence/Themes
1. The Butcher

_A/N: The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Reviews and especially constructive critiques are appreciated. Updates and continuation will be based on feedback. Thank you, and enjoy._

_*Mass Effect is property of Bioware. Many thanks to stnemele for all the great help!_

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><p><strong><em>Excerpt from <em>Mass Effect**:

So Pully, if there's a movie, here's the plan, the scene. You ready?

_The interviewer replies, encouraging a continuation._

Let's set it: four badasses, one scarred turian, a scary looking krogan mutant, tatted up woman with short hair glowing blue, and one badass motherfucker named Johnny Shepard. The grass is waving in the breeze…blue skies with thunderclouds in the distance. Pre-fab shelters surround them... A giant rock covered ship looms in the distance. Swarms of small bugs circle the group, but don't notice them. The anti-bug formula has worked…

Ha ha ha, I should be a goddamn screenwriter! Damnit, it's like my goddamn story could be mass produced. Make a vid, hell an Extranet game out of it! Shit, Mr. Pulitzer, I'll even sign off the rights for it to you…I got no one else anyway.

_Surprised question._

Fuck you, I'm not getting into that. It'll all come in good fucking time, okay?

_- Former Alliance Commander John Shepard_

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><p><strong>Foreword:<strong>

We all know who the Butcher of Torfan, the first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel, and Destroyer of the Bahak System is: former Systems Alliance Commander John Shepard. He is considered by some to be the hero who single handedly stopped the Reaper invasion, by others the greatest monster that ever lived, regardless of species. Commander Shepard requested an opportunity to tell his story prior to his trial for his war crimes.

The following is a transcript of the interview conducted by the most recent Pulitzer Prize winner in which Shepard recounts what he considers "his" story. He calls it "Mass Effect," the story of how he affected the whole galaxy through actions never meant for one man to handle. To say his is proud of his exploits is an understatement. "Mass Effect" is the story of a madman; it is violent, it is vulgar, and in some parts, scarring. Sadly, for millions - if not billions - of lost souls, it is all true.

- _Percy Gillet (Pulitzer Prize for Journalism, 2188)_

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><p>Shepard: Alright, you ready for this?<p>

_The interviewer is unintelligible_.

I don't want any paraphrasing here. This is _my_ story.

_A faint acknowledgement._

So where should I start? My birth, because that would be goddamn boring. No one has to hear the sob story about a ten year old orphan living on the streets.

_A murmur from the interviewer_.

The Reds and not Eden Prime? Huh, that's actually a good idea.

_He smirks._

Shit man, I haven't told this story in years. Hell… I've never told it. Alright then, I'll start with joining Reds...

Oh, the fucking Tenth Street Reds. I met the Reds for the first time in September of um...2166; I was twelve at the time, just starting transform into this magnificent form you see before you.

I remember the first encounter with the Reds quite well, actually. It was a particularly cool evening for Vancouver in September. It felt like you needed a jacket, but when putting one on, you didn't need it. There were clear skies despite the pollution… I could still smell some of the shit in the air, though. The moon was out en force and made a brilliant background for the skyline, one that can no longer be appreciated since the Reaper attack…

_The interviewer comments._

What, the Butcher can't appreciate a good skyline? Who the hell are you to judge me just fucking sitting there trying to win your Pulitzer. Fuck you. I don't have to take this shit. I'll get someone else to take this down.

_Muffled apologies from the interviewer._

You'd better apologize asshole. Remember, I chose _you _from a list of thousands. Anyway...

Vancouver; that city was _my _city. Vancouver had the potential to be a capital of the fucking world some day. Hell, might have taken it there if the Reds would have worked out. Fuck. You're going to make this difficult, aren't you Mr. Pulitzer. The price of telling my story, I suppose.

Back to that night…or day. Whatever. I had just returned from my daily routine: wake up, scavenge some food, rob some shit; you know, normal kid shit. I stole more than cash and other shit along the way… had a neat little stash at my humble abode. "Home" was the corner of a huge fucking warehouse in the Industrial District. "Drab" best describes the place... Yeah, I'll use the word drab. I have some suberplatives up my sleeve.

Anyway, drab is generous here. You know that gray color of smoke off a pile of burning…lets go with "debris?" You know what I mean though.

I mean bodies, ass.

_Shepard offers up a wide, sadistic grin._

Well home wasn't even that color gray. It was as far away from white you can get and as far away from black. Gray that gray _sucks._ Oppressive, but, damn, that building was fucking huge to a twelve year old… A palace in the middle of the wasteland known as "industry." It was filled with just about everything you can think of: omni-tool upgrades, paper towels, diapers, and, I shit you not, rifle scopes…but no rifles. What's up with that? Would have loved a nice Avenger or even old-timey automatic rifle. A day with one of those would have made life soooo much easier back then. I mean I wasn't a crack shot or anything but someone on the streets with a rif...

Shit, getting sidetracked.

Well, it, being the warehouse, had racks that seemed to be a two hundred feet tall. I know they weren't, but I wasn't fully grown; the building looked like it stretched for miles from the inside…it was a good home. The facility was fully automated, so I didn't experience the risk of running into the living.

_A dark look flashes across Shepard's face_.

Except on Raid days. Raid Days, the days the Reds came in, were times to stay away. My little base was in the far corner of the warehouse, behind the goods that were rarely touched: antiquated toys known as "LEGOs," bundles of _extremely _ugly sweaters, and, for some reason, a couple grand pianos. Who the hell needs a goddamn grand piano anymore? I mean all music is synth and bass. Pianos? Yeah, okay. But, I was safe even if I was around when the Reds showed up. Not that I would go at them anyway, unless forced. _Nobody _messed with the Reds by themselves… I may have been twelve, but I wasn't fucking stupid.

Unfortunately, the Reds decided to have one of their Raid Days early that week in September. They caught me by surprise that evening… For some idiotic reason, three of them decided to check out the goddamn pianos. They just started pressing keys for noise like toddlers… Or mentally challenged varren. When they interrupted my dinner - delicious, delicious wild dog - I was startled, to say the least; it was kind of funny because I startled them, too. Three humans, late teens to early twenties, stood before me each wearing the signature deep ruby red ensemble worn by most of the Reds; had an"X" tattooed on their hands. All Reds did. They liked marking their own. Now these idiots were encroaching on my turf, right? I had to do something; defense, attack, whatever you want to call it.

It's kinda funny how I can forget the thousands I've taken down over the years but distinctly remember my first three. Two had dark hair and one had a shaved head with a nasty horizontal scar across his forehead. Not as bad as mine though!

_Shepard grins, proud of his scars._

I remember the Dopey Duo and Baldy very well. Shit… Now that I think about it, I never bothered to learn their names. Ha, the nicknames are better anyway. The instinct to protect my turf kicked in immediately; I grabbed my shiny new pistol (stole it from an off duty cop a few days earlier) and shot each of them neatly in the head. One quick movement, like I was born to do it.

Pure luck, I'm not ashamed to admit, but they were my first kills, and damn good too. The beautiful pool of blood went well with their red uniforms and slowly drifted towards my feet. I bent down to touch it, because why the hell not? Being mildly crazy and not that brilliant... I mean, come on, I was a kid... I whooped at the success and regretted it instantly. No more than ten seconds had passed, a silent, breathless ten for me, before a female voice, my mentor's if you can believe it, was shouting orders to the Reds. I was probably fucked unless the next five minutes went perfectly. Luckily for all, they did.

_Shepard smiles and gulps some water down_.

I heard four of them coming, whispering orders with what I thought was the intention to kill me. So I held my pistol ready to take them out. Yelled out, "Back the fuck off! This is my home, so go away!" Now remember, I was fucking twelve and I hadn't gone through my puberty growth spurt yet.

_A comment from the interviewer interrupts Shepard._

Of course I'm driving that point home! I was a goddamn kid, understand that. Get it through your head. You wanted the _very _beginning; I'm giving it to you.

Goddamn it… Where the hell was I? Something about size? I wasn't big then and certainly not intimidating. So when Porter and Smiley charged around the corner, I got tackled pretty damn quick. I did shoot the fucker Smiley in the leg though. Hearing whimpers from an adult was quite satisfying and I was grinning like an idiot despite the circumstances. Bit of a sadist, I suppose. I guess that's common knowledge now since the trial, though. You know that awesome snarl of mine?

_Shepard offers a mock snarl, the interviewer squirms_.

Well this was the first time anyone had heard it, ha. The fucker, Porter, decided that turning my arm to the point of dislocation was a brilliant idea. He wanted to "be in control" as somebody could put it. He wasn't, or at least, if he was I won't ever admit it.

While I was struggling, damn furious over my home being invaded, owners of the two remaining pairs of feet rounded the corner, much calmer than the first set. One was a particularly brutish man named Bongo... fucking retarded name, I know... and the other the Black Widow herself. Everyone and their mother in Vancouver knows who Willow Black is. The right hand woman of the Reds. One of the most wanted people in Vancouver, if not the country, in history… At the time, she had multiple national arrest warrants out in the UNAS. And each one was for impressive reasons. Cop killing, breaking and entering into a fucking military base, smuggling Red Sand before it was popular to smuggle it!

She was fucking slammin', and most males will agree. The creepy ass Asari would have agreed, too. She wore a full suit of black armor with red trim on that went quite nicely with her red hair and dark green eyes. Widow, as everyone called her, was built like a fighter, though. None of that dainty shit you'd see on old Alliance recruitment posters. I couldn't keep the fear out of my voice.

"Let…me…go… You'll be sorry if you don't!" Something like that... with something I considered conviction at the time. The words of a scared pre-teen when looking back.

Widow merely smiled and said something like, "Huh? Let you go after you killed my men? 'I'll be sorry?' You're tough, kid, but not that tough. Why should I let some ten year old that killed three of my own live? I figured one of mine would have killed YOU." Blah, blah, blah...I'm not good at paraphrasing, asshole.

"Twelve," I snapped back. Since I was small for my age, I was quite defensive about my age. Age proves maturity, right?

Widow continued to lecture me on killing "her boys," but I knew that there was a reason I wasn't dead yet. Suddenly, she stopped her casual pacing and looked at my fists, which were bunched up and glowing blue. My wonderful biotics.

_A question in the background_.

How'd I get my biotics? I suppose it started with my parents. Let me tell you about them now, before I forget later. I'll keep it short. My mother and father had me early in their relationship. I'm using that last term, "relationship," extremely loosely.

_The interviewer asks their names._

I don't want to give names. I never have. And, despite the circumstances, I'll still withhold names because I don't want some distant cousin riding my coattails. I know of hundreds of "Shepards" of all different spellings claiming to be a relative. Shepard isn't even my real last name! Ha, ha, most people don't know _that_! You really want to know about my "family?" Okay...

I was pretty much a mistake, a result of a bunch of vodka and some drunken alley sex. Throw in a broken condom and, smack-bang-boom, you have the goddamn Butcher of Torfan. Bastard child of a future Alliance grunt and a wanna-be hooker, an ugly one at that. The asshole that was my father joined the Alliance to 'explorrrrre the galaxyyyyy' and escape the particularly hellish existence of being a father. That was around the early stages of colonization. He kept in contact with my mother, but just so he didn't look like a "bad guy." But he was. Sent home meager funds. Barely covered rent in our one room apartment. My father died during the _very _First Contact. He may have fucking sucked, but those goddamn turians took away any possible childhood.

Wow, just went on a daddy rant there…apologies. Fucking psychologists will probably love that for years.

_Wry comment from the interviewer._

Yeah, you're probably right. Might as well talk about the other parent, then, huh?

_A exasperated sigh comes from Shepard_.

My mother was the important parent in my life… despite the whole hooker thing, that kind of sucks; certainly taught me how to treat women "right." She raised me, until her death when I was ten. Guess how she died? Go ahead, guess.

_A murmur from the interviewer_.

Errrr, wrong! Ha ha ha, she died of "side effects" from the Element Zero she was exposed to when pregnant with her little mistake! You know, the tumors that show up in most people's bodies after eezo exposure. The same shit that gave me my now brilliant abilities also killed my own mother. That shit still makes me a bit angry. It was a curse when I was young. The skills popped up during special occasions and freakish things happened during them. Anyway…

Back to the Reds. Right. Widow wanted those powers; her eyes focused on my fists. Those special freaky occasions? The night where I met the Reds was certainly one of those events. I actually concentrated on one of the metal beams holding a rack and _twisted _with all of my mental might. Success! It was the first time I was _proud _of what I thought was a disability. Widow's eyes had widened during the display. The Black Widow of the Tenth Street Reds _wanted _me because of the biotics. What gang wouldn't? If used correctly, I would be faster and stronger than others. I totally was, too.

After what seemed like a billion years, and many of Smiley's whimpers, I definitely enjoyed those, Miss Black decided to invite me to join her group; she really didn't give a shit about the deaths. Trading three idiots that were quite expendable, as every Red was, for a biotic could only be called brilliant luck. She extended her hand to me, for a handshake. It was my first one, handshake, I mean. I smirked despite the grip Porter still had on me.

I'm gonna try to do a sultry voice now. It might come off a little creepy, though: "Release him, Porter. Bongo, carry Smiley out of here." We shook and she looked me in the eyes... Deep green eyes. "Welcome to the family that is known as the Tenth Street Reds. It's a pleasure to have you with us, kid." Her first words aimed at me.

_A long pause from Shepard_.

Corny, right? Kid that got fucked by life, offered a new chance! Like that Oliver's Travels...Gulliver? The whatever I fucking want story. You wanted the intro… You certainly got it. I didn't even tell Garrus that much and he was the closest thing to a friend I had.

So that was the prologue of my Mass Effect, if you will. You want more Mr. Pulitzer? What's next, more Reds and how I joined the Alliance?

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><p><em>AN: Thank you for reading. Updates be weekly, normally on Tuesdays. I hope it's a fun ride!_


	2. Here's Johnny!

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. It may stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. The premise is in the first chapter. Thank you, and enjoy._

_*Mass Effect is property of Bioware. A million thanks for the help from stnemele._

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><p>So what do you want to know next? I can skip straight to the Alliance part, but where's the fun in that? I have so many good stories from the Reds.<p>

_Encouragement from the interviewer._

Alright, then. This one time when I was sixteen, right? Just got back from a rave, high as a fucking kite; Widow had shown me worlds that I didn't even know existed when I was on the streets. She'd taken me under her wing, grooming me to be her wrecking ball. I think she saw me as a little brother after a while. I definitely could loosely see her as an older sister, but no one has a sister _that _hot. Deep green eyes, the red hair; she was quite fantastic. She was my mentor, closest thing to family. Had a hard on for her though, so would've been an incestious family if we ever hooked up. Someone seventeen years my senior wasn't looking for some horny teenager, though.

Widow taught me tactics, how to shoot, where to shoot. Ha, taught me how to lift weights without hurting myself...I did that a lot when I was younger. During my six years with the Reds I was one hundred percent loyal to her. I mean, I met some of the other leadership, but they were just suits. Knew how to sway a person to the left or right with their fancy words; I respected their abilities but I hated that particular method of "action." Still do. Remember when I punched that al-Jilani reporter? That was hilarious. Fuck talking shit out.

Learned that from Widow, too.

Now Widow, she earned all of her warrants and crimes and shit because she actually fucking _fought _people...and I was there from age twelve and up. I'm beaming like an idiot, aren't I? You must be this tall...or be John Motherfucking Shepard...to come and wreck shit with the Black Widow. She helped chisel my wild biotic abilities from random shoves to precise shockwaves that could wreck a man. Still made my nose bleed, though, because I didn't have an implant until I was seventeen. Speaking of nose bleeds...

Keep getting sidetracked, eh?

_Interviewer comments, encouraging the asides._

No, no, back to the story, right? The club: bass, sweat, Hallex, alcohol, and not nearly enough clothes. I felt like I did a hundred lines that night... Wired and ready to fucking _go_! It's a shame the Alliance doesn't let that shit fly...they'd have some goddamn motivated troops. You feel superhuman after some of the Reds' "special" coke.

Anyway, got back from the rave, had two girls on my arm. Little beauties, knowing my tastes, probably whores. Don't keep track of my conquests, though, unless they're particularly impressive. Next thing I know, I'm balls deep—

_A quick yell from the interviewer._

What? I thought I'd tell you some fun with the Reds? This is my goddamn story, who are you to tell me what I can and can't say?

_Murmured explanation from the interviewer about publication_.

Oh. So violence and cussing is okay, but porno is not? Makes no sense. You'll need to remind me later when we get to Williams and Lawson. Both good bangs. Would have liked to fuck them in one sitting, that would have been amazing. Williams was a screamer, Lawson liked it rough. I always thought Lawson could swing both ways, too...

_Another yelp._

Sorry, sorry! Fuck you, guy. Damnit. Fine, fine...we'll head to my first lead position, ever. Would _that _story be better for you, Mr. Pulitzer?

_The interviewer nods_.

Okay. Bahhhh, now I'm all hard... and you know I won't get to fuck any time soon.

_A sigh._

Shit. Well, my first raid. Okay, that was a long time ago. There as an asari fucking around my turf. Right around when I got my L3 implant. It was the fall of '71. I turned seventeen that spring and apparently that's a good time to fit a kid with an implant. Some of the Red leadership, spearheaded by Miss Black herself, had been pushing for little Johnny to get an implant to make my biotics more useful. Most of the higher-ups were nervous about giving a seventeen year old that much mind juice. They'd seen my past exploits, bad tendencies, less than desirable vices. Thought that I took violence a bit too lightly. Violence is violence. You gotta accept it, right? I fucking killed Porter when I got pissed off at him for picking on me. Laughed about me yelling in my sleep. No one laughs at me, unless I tell a joke. Ripped his arms out of both sockets in an attempt to "disarm" him...

_A short laugh from the interviewer._

Ha, there ya go. A joke. You can laugh. Go ahead, chuckle.

_The interviewer nervously smiles and returns a joke_.

Ha ha, good one. The fucking donkey! Awful, awful joke, but damn, I haven't laughed at a terrible joke in a while. I needed that. Porter could have used that laugh. He couldn't though; during our little spat, he was too busy screaming. Punched him so hard his nose went up into his brain. Broke my fist nasty, it still cracks in creepy ass ways. Blood everywhere. Felt fucking good. It was understandable that leadership wouldn't want to give the crazy kid an implant. Widow wanted the biotics bad, though. So she got them. Spared no expense, too. Got an L3, not one of the shitty L2s like Alenko. Provided some awesome fun.

So the asari, my first time as squad lead. She, It, Whatever was trying to cut in on the Reds' red sand traffic. We had that fucking market cornered in North America, so when a new player tried to break in, units were sent in to break up their operation quick. We'd fly on in with our drop ships, bust down the doors. Bam, bam, bam, shoot everything in sight; no prisoners, of course, same as Torfan. A Red calling card, if you will. The asari was no different, except this was _my _raid. And she was a goddamn alien.

_The interviewer balks at a twisted smirk from Shepard_.

Widow figured that her protege should test out his training on this pathetic little drug bust. Gave me full leadership on this particular op. Unfortunately for me and my buddies, the asari's goons were dug in deep. Hiding in an old church in the great shit hole called Seattle. Had wooden beams in it and everything. Stained glass windows with the Christian God and goats or something.

_Comment from the interviewer._

Okay, lambs. Same thing to me. White and smell like shit. Yes, I've seen goats and sheep before. Surprised, right?

They, not the sheep and goats, idiot, had all entrances covered, some rigged to explode. The bitch..._it_...and her goons had the front door covered. We could see their laser sights so at least I could get a reasonable count: twenty or thirty bad guys. Well that's kinda vague, but at least it wasn't fifty.

So my squad dropped in, took cover in the old parking lot around the church. Covered three sides of the building; the back was connected to collapsed gym so those exits wouldn't be an issue. I'm getting into detail, here, okay? Details, details, details.

_Murmured reply from the interviewer._

Yeah. And you need substance for your Pulitzer, eh? I had sixteen guys. Ordered two of my men to take the far left door as a distraction; the rigged doors blew them the fuck up. Rained blood and insides all over the place. Minus two guys, already... I knew that everyone around me was fucked right then and there. Down to fourteen Reds in less than a second. Sorta stunned for a second, but bounced back quick; I'd seen worse. One mission with Widow ended with thirteen bodies in about fifty pieces splattered all over the ground and surrounding buildings...before entry. Gruesome, but a fucking brilliant sight. Bongo, one of the Reds from the warehouse, remember? He was one of those pieces...actually set off the charge that time. Goddamn stupid death for a goddamn stupid guy.

Since it was nothing new, losses I mean, I thought "fuck it," and ordered a charge. The Reds, and myself, always had preferred a head on fight. To some leaders, that particular tactic leads to unacceptable losses; I'm not one of those leaders. Sent twelve men through the door, a no-man's land. They didn't stand a chance but were too dumb to notice. Grunts usually are pretty stupid. Like a tank bred...heh! Of course, no offense to our wonderful military, though! No grunts there!

That was sarcastic. Make sure they get that in the final transcript. Sarcasm is hard to convey. Seriously, make sure it's sarcastic.

But back to the church. Four of my front door guys were dead in seconds, but I didn't really care...didn't make emotional attachments to subordinates. Before the _Normandy_, at least.

_Interviewer interjects, surprised._

What? I can't have emotions? I'm still human, geez. I mean, I had friends. Sort of. That's later, though. Let me focus, asshole.

I went into what I like to call a "Rage." Tunnel vision with red around the edges; noticed nothing around me except the threats that were right in front of me. I took my two boys that hadn't gone through the front door and crashed through the stained glass. Action hero style...but with some biotic flare. A big crash, then I started my count.

I like to keep track of my kills.

_Comment from the interviewer_.

Why? It keeps me sharp, a goal to beat every time. And it's fun to compare "scores" later.

The first three were quick. Shotgun to the back of the head for one and two; saw the brains fly out of the front of their foreheads. Number three caught my boot to the head, went down and got a biotic curb stomp from my foot. That beautiful crunch of skull and guts still gives me chills. It's my favorite kill, the destruction of the skull. For one, you know the asshole is dead; second, the last look in the eyes can only be appreciated up close. Chills, like I said...the good kind, the kind of chills that makes you grin like a fucking idiot.

_Shepard grins "like an idiot."_

So there's three of twenty or so. Two got taken down by my front door boys. More of a distraction force at that point. They were down to seven men now, but had gotten some cover. Didn't really give a shit, though. I figured they'd take care of themselves so I went for four and five. Yanked two with a biotic pull out of their cover. Fucking idiot's faces stared at me in horror 'cause they know they were dead. Got one in the head. Four. Closed casket funeral for him. Five got it in the chest, she was all but dead, had a few seconds to bleed out. Six was a biotic throw out a second story window from a scaffolding. I was really pushing myself then, forgot all about the other Reds. Shooting as fast as I could, my gun overheated all the time back then. Beep, beep beep! Thank the maker for thermal clips, right?

So the fight was going bad for us, not going to lie. I had six to my name, five combined for my comrades. Not good enough. The rest is a blur. Biotics, shotgun, biotics, then some more shotgun. Twelve or thirteen then? My boys were down to four, including the two with me and I was fucking _pissed _at them. Unacceptable performance. I took a couple shots in the armor, like always, didn't notice a thing. One grazed my forehead, blood was pouring down my face, got in my mouth, pumped me up even more.

_Shocked face from the interviewer_.

What, you don't know what blood rage is? That gets me going. Stop being a pussy, okay?

So I have a few holes in me, wild, glowing blue. The L3 implant was insane. I could manipulate things I couldn't even imagine before. Instead of vague shockwaves or pulls, I started _squishing_ the enemy. Blood vessels burst. Bones cracking. I was unstoppable. That's not cocky either. I was damn unstoppable, unless I ran myself too hard. Unfortunately I didn't know how to control how hard and fast I went back then. I had a nice nose bleed going along with my other knocks. Then I lost complete control. Well more so than I already had.

Biotic explosion, the only time I've ever done it. I saw Jackie... Shit. I saw her do it to some mechs once. It was like a bubble went out, warped everything around me. Got the remaining druggies, killed the rest of the Reds with me. Mangled their bodies in _ridiculous _ways: some liquified insides, some dismemberment, general destruction of the body. A few got crushed by the roof caving in. No more curb stomps.

_A frown._

Dunno what happened during the next few minutes, I blacked the fuck out. Too much stress on my brain and the implant. Do you know if you can overload an implant? I don't think it's possible, but if overloads are, I nearly did it that day. Would probably suck, eh?

_Scientific explanation from the interviewer_.

Holy shit, _that _could have happened? Damnit, I'm glad that particular ability never surfaced again!

Ha, could've saved the galaxy a whole lotta heartbreak, though.

_A question._

The asari? Oh, I suppose this story _is_ about it. It...she, I don't fucking know, got stuck under rubble from the collapsed ceiling. When I came to, Widow was across the square, ready to ream me out for "my actions". Widow was scared; terrified of what I did, what I could do. I'd never seen those green eyes like that before. I would see that look one more time though...

Anyway, the alien, her blue squid head had some nasty gashes on it. Crying for mercy. I don't give it. Seventeen year old John, not even old enough to legally drink, shot her. Ten times. Took off a body part with each shot. You may ask "How is that possible? Asari don't have ten extremities." Ask it. Ask.

_The interviewer does ask, as was requested_.

You don't want to know. Ha! Lets just say its limbs got shorter after every shot. My armor was purple from the human and alien blood staining it. Widow finally stopped me when she got to my side. I passed out as the life left the Asari's eyes.

_A short pause from Shepard._

Good story, right? Not over, at all. Woke up a few hours later in the Reds' hospital. Pretty damn fucked up, I might add. Nasty headache, the bullet wound on my forehead. The building used to be a public hospital... We'd expanded quite a bit since my arrival and owned a good deal of property in the Pacific northwest. The Reds had bought most of Vancouver, whether figuratively or literally, so doctors, lawyers, and a few unnamed military figures...they know who they are...were owned by the Reds. So the hospital was actually a fairly normal place to wake up in. I spent a lot of time there after my rages as I tended to take a lot of hits in our fights.

I heard Widow arguing with the suits over her earpiece. Must have heard the news about my spectacular performance in Seattle. I shakily stood up, looked out the window over the waterfront below. Nice view, similar to the one I talked about before. Widow was silent then behind me. Must have lost her argument with the suits.

Next thing I know, I hear a shot (shots indoors are particularly loud) and the familiar pain of a gunshot wound. Ears were ringing. Guess where the shot came from?

_The interviewer suggests Willow Black._

Yup, the Black Widow herself, snagging another victim in her web. Bet you saw that coming. In hindsight it must have been comical; mentor kills the mentee because he gets out of control. Stumbling around, surprised and betrayed. Like a movie except with a teenager instead of the surprised bad guy. Ha ha ha, I supposed some see me as a bad guy.

Huh...you'd think I would be a bit more emotional right now. You can't let emotions compromise your judgement, _ever. _Push that stuff down deep. Shows up during a Rage, I suppose.

Anyway, Widow said what she thought were her last words to me. Something like, "I'm sorry, John. You're just too much. Unstable, a menace, bad for us," she said. Super cliche, right? She created a monster, now a liability. The deep green eyes almost had tears in them. Almost. She wouldn't cry... I don't think she was capable of it. No tear ducts, maybe? I didn't have time to think about it then. A second shot sent me falling out the window into the water below. Floated, swam away.

They probably tried searching for my body, but no dice. The waters were murky and deep...my body would have floated away pretty damn quickly. I was dead anyway, right? But you all know you can't kill John Shepard.

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><p><em>AN: Thank you for reading. Once again, feedback is appreciated. Updates will ideally be bi-weekly or weekly, depending on "real life." (Also, I highly suggest stnemele's "Mass Effect: Delving Into Hell")_


	3. Firestarter

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. It may stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. The premise is stated in the first chapter. Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thank you, and enjoy._

_*Mass Effect is property of Bioware. Many thanks to stnemele, again._

* * *

><p>So I just died for the first time. Well sort of...I think my heart stopped at one point. No way to tell, though. The Reds thought I was dead and probably should have. I would have assumed the same. Kinda sucks falling three stories into an icy cold river. The fall should have killed me, but didn't. Maybe the shock of entry should have slowed me down? Did anger keep me alive? Apparently it kept me conscious. "Swim" was the only thought that came to mind outside of general fury and the sense of betrayal. My mentor, Willow Mother Fucking Black of the Goddamn Shithead Bastard Tenth Street Reds, shot me in the fucking back. No warning, no nothing. She was supposed to be a friend, my family... And she tried to kill me.<p>

I was goddamn furious. Who wouldn't be?

_A suggestion from the interviewer._

Ha, I was dangerous to them? How was I dangerous? It's not like I would have turned on them! Although... Might have, actually. Maybe Widow was right about being too much trouble. But seriously, I was an _asset_, the Red's goddamned future. Why would they kill their future? Little Johnny would've been their fucking brilliant shining star; the ace up their blood-red sleeve. They needed me.

_Shepard quiets._

Maybe I needed them. Do you know what it's like to be betrayed like that? How much it'll fuck you up? Look at me! Ah, fuck you, Pulitzer. Push it down, John. Push it down. Fuck... Why am I telling you this?

_Murmur from the interviewer._

I know, I know. I did request it. Last words before... Fuuuuuuuckkkk.

_A sigh_.

Anyway, freezing cold river, hell bent on revenge. I knew Widow well enough that she would search for awhile for my body. So I went on the move. Got fixed up at free clinic and stole some really shitty pain killers. Like that shitty "extra strength" vicoden. Stole some medi and omni-gel, too, miracle in a goos, in my opinion, and had to get out. I didn't want to stay in my safehouse in Vancouver...despite being "safe" it was too risky for being fake dead.

So I went south and bounced around for a bit. Got to see California, up close and personal. The wasteland left by the earthquake and fires left the most of the cities in shambles, but enough remained to support _something_. It was almost like a colony world, prefab shelters making up most of the housing. MREs were the standard meal choices: meat, meat, and a different color meat. They took people in there easily enough, though; we all had something to hide, something to hide from, whatever. No one asked questions. A good stop off point. Let my anger come to a boil. Plan my revenge. I mean, what else does a seventeen year old fugitive have to do?

_Muffled reply from the interviewer._

Run? Fuck no. You should know I don't do that. Do you even know who I am? I swear, you have to be one of the more oblivious survivors out there. Dumbass...

Anyway, found out early that I couldn't join up with out my fake ID. Most Red's had some sort of fake, just in case, you know? "John Shepard," parents died in a car accident, orphan, unregistered biotic. He would do just fine in the military. You get to kill things there. I enjoy that. Unfortunately, I used my own age on the ID because I was fucking stupid, so I had to wait until my birthday for enlistment. I could certainly make my own life; I had done it before. But, like I just said, I don't run; never have and never will. Someone needed to pay for shooting me in the back and I certainly wasn't going to let that go. So I armored up and went home.

Vancouver wasn't as Red when I got home. Rival upstart gangs learned of my "death" and were a bit more aggressive than before. No crazy biotic to blow their shit up. More power to them; the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

_Interviewer interjection_.

Don't take that literally, asshole. I killed hundreds of their guys. We wouldn't be friends or even reluctant allies. You should know what I mean, Mr. Pulitzer. But, I hated the goddamn Reds and anyone that picks away at them is an...ally of mine. So the Third Street Saints, Lost Boys, and even the pussy ass Sharks were inadvertently helping me out.

So you all remember the bombing in March of '72, right? Took out the part of the Red HQ, a block of buildings? They never found out who did it. The police were half happy; killed fifty civies to take out a ton of Reds. Acceptable losses, for the greater good. Wrong place, wrong time, right? I stole the parts from simple industrial shops. Building a bomb is easy...just combine some hydrogen peroxide, get a couple heat sinks, metal casing...

_The interviewer stops Shepard, shocked._

Ha ha ha, oh yeah, I definitely did it. Revenge is a dish best served explosively. That sounds terrible...catch phrases, again. Outside of "I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel." Every store was my favorite, apparently... Wait a minute, what's with the face, Pulitzer?

What, you're surprised? I sacrificed the whole krogan species to get some miniscule salarian support, remember? Oh yeah, a little known fact about the genophage. I'll get to that later...

_Accusation by the interviewer._

Terrorist? Terrorist? _Terrorist? _I am _not_ a fucking terrorist. Fuck you... I ended the Reds... Well hurt them bad, at least. Never recovered, right? You should be _thanking _me. I bet you assholes will add this to the war crimes accusations, now. Fuck. You. Dickhead. I'm not Cerberus, bombing indiscriminately. I had a goddamn target. And it worked.

Certainly cleared the lower floors of the HQ. My armored ass just waltzed in. It was chaos; I loved it. Went up the front stairs, shot anyone in front of me. Started my count, too.

_Interviewer is still shocked and makes a comment_.

Damn, get over it! I would have figured with your past stories that this wouldn't affect you that bad. You covered the slaughter at Sanctuary on Horizon, right? Why I chose your ass.

This is the Tenth Street Reds we're talking about. Their downfall. I gave you this fucking story. Stop complaining and man up. It was just a goddamn bomb and fifty people. It ain't like that fucking colony on Watson and those missiles. Well, I'm going on whether you want or not.

Ha, your face is hilarious right now. Jaw dropped to the floor. Like the Reds I surprised...

One... Two... Three... Four... Up the stairs I went. Was humming...forget what, but I remember humming. Bach? Yeah, I know classical music. A lot of "Oh shit, Johnny's here!" and "Fuck, take cover!" Utter chaos. Caused by me. "Call Widow, get everyone!" "He's gonna take the building down?" Blah, blah, blah.

Most badass seventeen year old ever? You know it. Wasn't long before I started taking fire, though; probably around eight kills. Then I inhaled the gas. Fucking awesome feeling, I didn't know the side effects, though.

_Interviewer, still shocked, asks about "the gas."_

Well, there's this biotic drug that boosts abilities. Ran into the shit on Illium, actually. Volus and asari shit. Fucking aliens, right? It's this biotic enhancing stuff, similar to red sand. Minagen X3. You inhale it, get a biotic boost. What distributors _don't_ say is that it can be lethal in large doses. The dealer that sold me the shit had neglected to tell me that. So, remember, now I'm pretty much losing it and now poisoned myself. Awesome. Just fucking great.

So, I kept going, unaware of the...issue. Took out a couple of suits trying to run away. Eleven... Twelve... Curb stomped one while they were screaming and it felt great. Like I was holding it in for years. Crunchity, crunch crunch. Number thirteen was an initiate barely old enough to hold a pistol. Probably an orphan... no more torso after my shotgun blast tore into her. Up through twenty-five were mostly regular foot soldiers for the Reds. Grunts. Shotgun, biotics, brought down the ceiling on a few. Ripped an arm off. Other people's blood in my mouth again. Whoa, that was a fucking rush, you know? Then the big guys showed up. Shields...fucking shields! Even I didn't know we had those.

_Comment from the interviewer_.

How did I handle it? I took fucking cover behind a pillar on the third floor, that's what. They peppered the pillar with everything from assault rifles to a mini-rocket launcher. Fucking pinned, right? I had nothing to lose, though. So I charged. Raged.

Leapt from the cover, two shotgun pumps took down one guy. And another. And another. Fucking crazy, right? Next thing I know, I found myself with a bunch of cuts and a nasty nose bleed on the top floor. Shot up good, too, but the drugs didn't let me feel a goddamn thing.

A few rooms later, now. Willow Black was there in all her glory. Like a really corny boss fight. Like some guy wrote it to end in some showdown. The master versus the student, classic cinema. Didn't want to disappoint.

_The interviewer murmurs_.

I was scared, you're right. Remember, despite the shit I just did, I was still seventeen and almost hallucinating. And this was my mentor. Who shot me in the back. Fear is natural, but I didn't let it intimidate. I used it as fuel.

I locked eyes with Widow. She had that look in her eyes, the one that betrayed her fear. I was scaring _the Black Widow_. How fucking awesome is that? No one scared her... except for me. My nose was oozing blood, both because of the broken nose and the gas. Pulsing blue fists. My snarl. "Crazy eyes," as I like to call them.

It was surprising that there was limited conversation during this whole confrontation. With our history, you'd figure there would be some monologuing or some shit. It was just pretty much me yelling at her for shooting me, her yelling because I went "crazy." She just didn't see that I was the future. She wanted me taken down, but I wasn't gonna let her.

I already killed half the fucking Reds in the building, might as well cut off one of the heads, too, you know? So we went at it. I threw up a barrier, she threw up a shield. We really were opposites in a fight. You all know I prefer my biotics with a healthy dose of shotgun. Widow was a bit like Garrus, if you're familiar with the his style. Long range and tech shit. Widow her overload and incendiary grenades. Those green eyes were like an eagle's and could hit a credit chit from a mile away.

Okay, that was exaggerating, but you get the point.

So we fought. I attacked first, like always, with a nice little shove. Krogan-like charge followed and I barrelled into her. She was still a lot bigger than me, so strength wasn't going to win that fight. An errant shotgun blast knicked some of her shield, but she overloaded the piece of shit and I had to toss it aside. She took out a rifle and strafed after me, as I dove behind a desk. Shoved the desk at her, stayed behind it the whole time. Widow caught the desk with an incineration blast and burned up my makeshift shield. Kick, punch, duck, kick, shockwave, warp. Countered with duck, block, kick, duck, overload, dive. Back and forth. When I would get a clear shot, Widow overloaded my gun. When she got one, a biotic push flattened her.

I was spent. I mean really, really, _really _tired. Little Johnny was losing his fight against the Black Widow. Thing is, I had nothing to lose. I didn't give a fuck if I died, I just wanted to take her with me. Widow had something...was worried about saving the Reds and shit. Something was distracting her or I would've been dead.

_The interviewer makes a suggestion_.

Feelings? You think she was hesitant to hurt me? She shot me in the goddamn back!

_Additional comments from the interviewer_.

Ah, fuck you. She shot me, no taking that back. Mentor or not. If she cared, Widow had a shitty way of showing it! The bitch deserved to die. Don't fuck with Johnny.

Once again, "the rest is a blur." Just movement, blue, and pain. You ever been in a fight, Mr. Pulitzer? You know how you know it happened, but can't remember the play-by-play? Well I've been through some shit and remember hundreds of play-by-plays is pretty goddamn difficult. All I know is that after 10 minutes of fucking running around in circles, _somehow_ I finally had her down. Stray shot to the leg or something. Hurt her omni-tool hand bad, too.

How do people with one hand use omni-tools?

_Interviewer appears to be confused_.

You know, you use two hands to use it. Do they make righty and lefty tools? Like old fashioned scissors. I've always wondered about that. I mean, some people have trouble doing things with their weaker hand, typing on an omni-tool is pretty damn important, too. Could you imagine if Goto couldn't use her tool because she was left handed? I mean, I don't use mine much, but if you made me shoot with my left hand, I'd fire like a fucking stormtrooper. The guys in the remake of that old movie...

_Urging from opposite Shepard_.

Fine. Fine! Damnit. Well, I had her down. And...and...

_A long pause_.

Well lets just say her last "gasp" was the grenade going off a few yards away. Caught me on fire. The whole right side of my body. Stumbled around, panicked. When someone says"Oh my god, it's like my skin is on fire," is _nothing_ like being on fire. Tripped over myself, tried to pat down the flames. Next thing I know, I'm leaning towards a window that was broken in our fight.

What happened next? Yup, you guessed it. For the second time in a fucking year, I fell out a third story window.

_Shepard pauses, again_.

So, that was that. Widow was dead. I was falling and assumed that, since there was no river this time, I'd end with a satisfying crunch on the concrete. It was a happy ending. Except for the fire. The fire fucking blew.

_Interviewer encourages Shepard to continue._

Well, for those fractions of a second, I was happy. Death would have almost been poetic...but the two cabs that I hit on the way down broke my fall. Well mostly. I was fucked up. No really bad gunshot wounds, but Widow's burns covered my right arm and part of my face. Bloodied bad, third degree burns. Helped cause it burned off my tattoo. You probably didn't know that could happen. Third degrees will do that. Cuts and shit everywhere else. Broken ribs. Smelled like burnt flesh. That color gray like the warehouse...

Because of the bomb, the streets were pretty damn chaotic and I really just looked like any "innocent" bystander. A really fucked up one. The few Reds outside fled. Strangely sluggish police response so I had time to leave. Bled and vomited my way to my safe house to grab my fake. Fucking "changed," burned everything else, bolted, and checked into the hospital.

And that's where John Shepard was born. Ha, in a hospital, get it? Homeless kid caught in the explosion. Dead parents. Limited schooling. When they asked about the L3, I just said the Red's forced it on me. They'd done it before to kids.

_Interviewer comments._

I know, so was I. Can't believe it worked. The Red ID team was fucking good. No one left to rat me out so I just healed. Couldn't find a body because the building collapsed. Damn convenient. I didn't want a life as a civie and the military would give me a gun. And I wanted to kill a turian, too. So, after healing up, on April 11th, 2172, John "Shepard" enlisted. I got in fairly easily. Short fitness test, _easy _intelligence test. Military hasn't ever been too concerned about brains. Went to the sign up station, met Anderson, and the rest is history.

_The interviewer excitedly replies_.

Okay, then! More? Let's see...so you know about Eden Prime...

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><p><em>AN: Thank you for reading. Once again, feedback is appreciated. Updates will hopefully be bi-weekly, at worst weekly._


	4. The Butcher's Knife

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. It may stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. Please see a modified premise in the first chapter. Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thank you, and enjoy._

_*Mass Effect is property of Bioware. So many thanks for stnemele for all the help!_

* * *

><p>Blah, so Eden Fucking Prime... I've told this part of the "Shepard saga" so many goddamn times. Each time is a bit different; I don't remember every goddamn detail. We started with Nihlus, the Spectre, on our pretty little ship...<p>

_Interviewer interjects_.

What? Before that? Well, what's before that?

_Shepard pauses_.

Oh, shit, you want Torfan? Ha, you sure little guy? Might make your Pulitzer a bit harder to win that whole publication censor shit. Still want it? I mean, I could get pretty damn graphic. "The Butcher" isn't because the batarians make steaks. I could use a fucking steak. Juicy, medium rare, some potatoes...that stupid moon. Yeah, I'll tell you about Torfan. Last chance, bud...

_Affirmation._

Alright, then. Torfan. That fucking rock under that gas giant... one of the big red ones with a bunch of moons. Like Jupiter for those of you still alive at home. Reflected its light onto the planet, making everything glow a color pretty damn similar to the Reds' uniforms. The moon was actually a pretty nice place: semi-tropical around the equator, green-ish trees and shit. We didn't need breathers or anything, so it was nice to breath freely. Asshole batarians hid underground, though, so I couldn't even admire the fucking view. No backdrop for our battle. Hell, they deserved to die just because of that! Ha ha, no really. I was pissed.

Anyway, we get deployed. This was, umm, six years after my enlistment and I rose through the ranks pretty damn quick. You have to climb the ladder to be N7 by the time you're twenty-eight, you know? So I was a sergeant of some sort in the Alliance Navy at the time. Almost in charge of a couple of squads, but not quite; I had one small team, similar to some of the Reds' teams from Earth. I think I had nine following me, liked to split guys up into teams of three. Worked nicely most of the time. One sniped enemies with long range weapons, second team gave cover fire with rifles and tech shit, and the third with me leading the way. Fucking military _loved_ my biotics, so they were happy to have me wreck things.

_Interviewer asks a question._

Why Torfan? Torfan, everyone knows it... If you don't, well that's just a "wow." We were retaliating against the batarians because the aliens fucking went at us during the Skyllian Blitz. Goddamn Batarians burned colonies, took slaves, you know the story. You have to remember _that_. Sometimes I wish they were turians; it would've been damn fun to stomp some goddamn heads in, krogan style. Get back at them for First Contact. One of the great injustices in our short history in the galaxy. Never got payback for the shit they pulled.

Well, Palaven got shit on because of me, but that's a whole different story.

But, fuck, they weren't lizard-bird turians... Just four-eyed, raisen faced assholes. Ugly motherfuckers, not as bad as vorcha though. Holy shit, those things are fucking gross. Smell like rotten cabbage, spit all over the place when they talk; wish the Reapers would've purged their asses.

Another goddamn aside. Jeez, I have to focus.

_Encouragement from the excited interviewer_.

Well, the batarians were hiding in their caves, like I said. Assholes were nice and fortified, hard to kick them out. Kyle was all skittish and didn't want to attack head-on. Apparently being a goddamn Major means you're a pussy. Yeah, Major Kyle. Fuck that guy.

So we trapped the batarians in their tunnels and prepared for a long fucking wait. I'm not a patient man so this did not sit well. A lot of pacing, proposing attack plans to Captain Rico, my immediate superior. He wanted us to be "Rico's Roughnecks" like some old movie. Fuck that. He was a shithead and we weren't his. Anyway, Rico was restless, so he went in with a "scouting party." The asshole got gunned down 'bout five minutes later.

Guess who was next in line to take command?

_Murmur from the interviewer_.

Yup! Johnny Shepard, pride of the Alliance Navy, ready to fucking go. Kyle, I mean _Major_ Kyle, still pussy-footed around the situation. I still don't know why we didn't just nuke the goddamn caves. After I was through with them, I think everyone wished we did.

_A twisted smirk from Shepard, followed by a question from the interviewer_.

No, I don't regret anything that happened down there. I _enjoyed_ what happened on Torfan. Kyle acknowledged my command, my comrades did, and it was time to fucking go! I had something around... about sixty guys in my squad and we pretty much just ran into the tunnels. Covering fire, move up, covering fire, move up. We hit some booby-traps, IEDs and shit, but it went pretty goddamn smoothly. Then we met some resistance.

Advantage of biotics: barriers. I threw one up pretty early, as did my other biotic...buddies? I don't know; didn't make friends in the military. Anyway, down goes _everyone_, whether taking cover, injured or just plain dead. I, on the other hand, started my count.

One, two and three, were probably when I took down a catwalk. Shotguns again, smash-bam-boom, next thing I know, John the badass was up to 20. Batarians have a saying about awesome shit like me. I don't know it because it's in goddamn Batarian, but I'm just... Well, it fucking rocks. I think I lost twenty or so of my men at this point, but who keeps count, am I right? Ha ha, you can laugh.

_The interviewer nervously chuckles_.

Not funny? Hmm, okay. Well we just mowed them down. Oh, I forgot, Kyle was bitching the whole time. "Shepard, what are you doing?" and "Fall back, soldier. That's an order!" Sometimes it was just "Shepard!" because he didn't know what to say. I simply replied with, "You're missing all the fun, Major." Okay, it probably wasn't that badass. I've never been that clever with my words and I was in a firefight after all. After that, I shut off the connection to my omni-tool radio thing. Very cliche badass mother fucker, am I right?

That was sometime around when I reached the room with the civies. A couple were probably prisoners, maybe some family members. There were at least ten kids. They were all ugly fuckers, batarians, so they deserved what was coming.

_Surprised comment_.

Ha, you didn't know about those, did you, Mr. Pulitzer? I guess no one did or does, because I was the only one there. Yup, it was pretty sweet. Let my boys shoot up the other areas while I was in the room. You may ask, "Why hasn't anyone said something about this before?"

One word: executions. Well a grenade, too, so I guess two words. So, Sir Fucking Pulitzer, want to get into it, or will the censors reject?

_Soft reply from the interviewer_.

Okay. The soft version. Well, I...eliminated...a room full of Batarian shitheads. Came back out, blasted through a few more cave/cavern things. Sixty down, counting the shithead room. Lost a bunch more of my guys, but killed five times as many. Ripped down walls onto some with biotics. Got my men to go into their own Rages, so they were pretty damn ruthless, too. Left no injured, either. We all wanted payback for the Blitz.

You know what's funny? How "blitz" ends with a zee. You don't see that many words ending in zees. Underrated letter, in my opinion. Zaeed. That's a fun name because of the zee.

_Snap from the interviewer_.

Holy shit, chill out. I get distracted, what the fuck ever. Fine, fine, I'll get back to Torfan. Zee...

_A sigh from Shepard_.

So some more guns, blood, my curb stomps on some guys, skull crushing. It's hard to read a batarian's eyes when he dies. There's four and they're so damn dark. It's not nearly as enjoyable as killing an asari or turian; they have pupils and I can see the fear and death easier. I don't know, I like it. Back to the fight, right? Hey! I'm a poet and didn't know it!

_Shepard pauses_.

You are just the worst, Mr Pulitzer. Chill the fuck out. Have some fun! This is the Savior of the Citadel's last interview! Be honored and enjoy it.

Eventually, we cornered the rest of the batarians as Kyle's "reinforcements" showed up. Kyle wasn't there because he was an officer, of course. Pussy. He was a fatass, too, so a bit slower.

It was a general surrender by the batarians. Now this is where the "Butcher" nickname comes in; would've been a more...menacing...nickname if they knew about the civies. I butchered them and the prisoners like cattle. I also know what cattle are. Regular baryard expert. Damnit, fucking steak...

Batarians, though. Got tortured. Took off limbs, asking for information I knew they didn't have. Kyle saw this on some of the vid feeds. Caused his PTSD later, I suppose. "Father Kyle," I enjoyed killing that guy during that whole spat with the biotic commune. Anyway, sliced, diced, made the assholes watch. A few tried to fight back, but I had the biotics and shotgun. Ha ha, this one fuck, he was a fat batarian. I made him execute a few of his buddies before I executed him. He was _crying_. It was hilarious.

_Interjection_.

Yeah, I was pretty fucked up then, too. Not mentally, I'm perfectly fine up here, but physically I was drained. Bloody nose, again, and broke my wrist. Had some burns to match the marks I got from my confrontation with Widow. I wonder how much of my body _isn't_ covered in scars...

Anyway, executing survivors, making sure the job was done. May have described it fast, but, hey, you wanted the "clean" version.

_Muffled question_.

What's that? Why wasn't I court-martialed?

Hello? Mr. Pulitzer... I got the job _done_. Showed the Brass that I was their man. You had a tough job to do? Send in Shepard. Not worried about collateral? Send in Shepard. Helps to be an awesome biotic, too.

But seriously, Torfan was fun. Pretty much the last real action before Eden Prime...which I wanted to talk about, but _somebody _wanted to hear about other exploits. And then they were squeamish. I saw your face, cringing the whole fucking time. Squirming around.

_The interviewer is defensive_.

Okay, okay. Not for the faint of heart... pussy. Mentioning the court-martial is kind of funny though. A lot of people think I should've been kicked out right away. Got fucking _promoted _because of it! I won't lie, either...I was surprised. I mean, little Johnny was always going to be a star, but just didn't think I would rise so damn quickly. Accepted into the N7 program soon after. Average intelligence tests, but a great leader, apparently, and a killer to boot. Anyway...

_Interviewer attempts to comment_.

No, please shut the fuck up. I want to move on. Like I did before this whole rant. We're talking about Eden Prime and that asshole Saren. The official beginning of my story, the one history books will remember, the one legends are going to be based off of. The best damn story ever written, and you get to tell it Mr. Pulitzer. My goddamn "Mass Effect." This is what people are reading your piece for. The shit everyone knows about, the adventure the vids show. Butcher, Savior, Xenocide, _the Shepard_.

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><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading. This chapter ran a little short on me, but Torfan is Torfan. Pretty much just killing. Please see the original paragraph in _Reds _for information on my minor change. The interview is now taking place before the trial. I haven't decided the ending, yet! The addition of the "Extended Cut" summer of 2012 has given me more leeway for the future, as well!_

_Anyway, reviews are greatly appreciated. Provide a lot of motivation and help for improvement, no matter what the comments. Also, I highly suggest reading stnemele's "Mass Effect: Delving Into Hell" to any readers. By the way, anyone get the Ender's Game or Starship Trooper references?_


	5. A Piece of Eden

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. It may stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. Please see chapter 1 for the premise. Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thank you, and enjoy._

_*Mass Effect is property of Bioware. Thank you, stnemele, for editing._

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><p>So, yeah, Eden Fucking Prime. Like I said before asshole, before you interrupted me. Pretty little planet, no skyline though. Vancouver had a nicer view, in my opinion. The buildings were real, not the prefab shit that every colony seems to have.<p>

Ever notice that almost all of our colonies look exactly the same? I mean, it's like we ran out of architects and only have people who can build boxes. Glad I never lived in one of those things…well for more than a few months, but damn. Can you imagine your house being a square? Add some windows. Or some angles. Something to make it look better. Shit, being a colonist would've _sucked_.

_The interviewer comments_.

I know all colonies don't look like that. I'm not retarded. I generalize, who gives a fuck? Oh yeah, sorry. Got off track again. Anyway, Eden Prime. Whole thing started with a "shake down" run, which we all knew was bullshit. I mean, the _Normandy_, best goddamn ship in the galaxy going to a backwater planet on a scouting mission? With a Spectre, too. Nihlus, the bland turian. He wasn't too bad of a guy, just really boring. Mechanical… "That was good. Your Captain will be pleased." His favorite line and Joker hated it.

Joker, that fucking guy. You either hate him or love him. I hate him. He's the goddamn reason I got spaced, remember? That's a whole 'nother story.

Eden. Fucking. Prime. Okay. We're going there to do who knows what, with a Spectre along for some reason. Found out that it was to evaluate Johnny, see if I was Spectre material. Of course I was, but the goddamn Council was…hesitant. You know the story, though. We talk, blah blah, emergency! Holy shit, robots are attacking! No one uses "robots" anymore...huh. We had to go in and save everyone like usual. And the Beacon, the Prothean glowy thing. Fun little piece of tech; we had the privilege of saving that thing, too.

That was sarcasm, too. Get that down.

_Comment from the interviewer_.

Hey, Pully, you _have _to know how hard it is to convey sarcasm. Come on... Anyway, we got a message from the surface. Showed Geth. Panicked video was pretty awesome. Gun shots, explosions, my kind of planet, you know? Then Anderson sees the Reaper ship, Sovereign, on the video. Says "Joker go back to 32.3" or something.

Huh…you know what I never thought of? How did Anderson know what time the ship showed up? I mean, there weren't any counters on the video…must be a super genius. Regular old Einstein. Ha ha, no, he was dumb as a brick. He did accept me into the goddamn N7 program. You have to be pretty dense to let a potentially crazy guy into the "best of the best." Not that I'm actually nuts.

_Comment about Anderson_.

Yeah, I know he's a good man and shit, but he's too idealistic. Jumped to conclusions too quickly, saw the "best" in people. When Saren showed up, he just assumed that the Turian was out to kill humanity. That's a stretch and most everyone knows it. That's like a guy breaking your omni-tool and then assuming that they want to kill you.

Horrible analogy, but you get the point. One big classic Anderson overreaction. I mean, he did have his whole spat about the Spectres, but still...

Eden Prime. I was given Alenko and Jenkins for my ground team. Two soldiers of _very_ different caliber. Alenko, great biotic, despite his L2, good shot. He knew what he was doing, how to follow orders. He was an idealist like Anderson and could be a bit of a pussy, but a good soldier. I'll recognize that. He liked the "keeping count" game when we were fighting synthetics, too. He didn't like it as much when the bad guys leaked blood.

The other member of my fabulous team was Private James...Leroy...Samuel...Fucktard Jenkins; what a goddamn idiot. "Lets go fighting! I wanna shoot bad guys!" Definitely joined up because he thought he would "seeeee the galaxxxyyyy." I hated that dumbass. Should've been with me at Torfan; would've killed him or at least put some hair on his balls.

Then we had Nihlus, who deserved to die, in my opinion. "I move faster on my own." Who says that? I'm a goddamn tank and can take an army by myself, but damn, tactically that's just retarded. Never go into a warzone alone. Just plain stupid. I guess he happened upon Saren sometime around when the _Normandy_ dropped us on Eden Prime.

We heard the gunshot that dropped Nihlus while admiring the giant purple ship. It was massive. I'd describe it, but you saw it during the Citadel battle. Squiddy and shit. Jenkins got gunned down by the wee-little drones shortly after…or before. I'm not quite sure; he was forgettable.

Sorry, Mama Jenkins!

If she's still alive. Probably not, knowing her son. I'm betting she tried to beat a husk with a frying pan and got ripped apart. Or harvested. Earth had a lot of asshole idiots on it.

_Interviewer asks a question_.

That's a really good question... Holy shit, I just fucking complimented you...shit. I suppose I stayed with the Alliance because they were a means to an end? I mean, at first is was for safety and they gave me a gun. Then it was fun... Ha, then when I was having fun, I got rewarded. Fucking Star of Terra for _Torfan_? How fucking funny is that.

Hey, I got to kill people...was paid well for it, too. I did what I wanted; ignored direct commands every fucking mission, Raged, all that shit. And the Brass loved it. So, I had no loyalty to the Alliance, they just gave me what I wanted. Zero supervision. I guess that's it. When they didn't back me, I went to Cerberus and they let even more shit go.

_Murmur from the interviewer_.

What, did I hurt your feelings? Your precious Alliance... Shit, Pully, grow a pair. Berr, berr, berr. That's laser noises. Back to Eden.

Down goes Jenkins! Down goes Jenkins! From the drones. Alenko and I cleaned up, with probably five shots between us. What a shitty soldier that guy was, Jenkins I mean. Got killed quicker than I thought possible. From _scout drones_ no less. Damn. He didn't die immediately, either. They must have collapsed a lung, hit some other organs. _Might_ have been salvageable, but we didn't have time for it. I did what I expect any soldier to do when someone is dying a painful death: I put him out of his misery. Yeah, I put a round right between his eyes. He didn't want me to do it, but I know what's best. That's why I'm Commander Johnny and he was just a private.

_Interviewer interjects_.

Corporal? How the hell did that guy get promoted? I tell you what, the Alliance has some low fucking standards. Anyway, Alenko and I, rounded a hill and saw that color gray everywhere, smelled that color gray everywhere, and ran into some flashlight heads. Geth. Admirable suckers, being intelligent and efficient and that shit. Fucking Quarians know how to build a damn good robot.

A hundred feet or so down the slope was a fine piece of ass in some pink armor: Miss Ashley Williams. Had a bit of a lazy eye that creeped me out, but I don't look there, if you know what I mean. Mr. Pulitzer, I mean her boobs. I enjoyed looking at her boobs. Perky little guys, nice nipples on each. Not too big, not too small. Pretty damn…

_Exasperation from the interviewer_.

Ha, you're adorable!

She happened to be on our way to the dig site, for the Beacon, so I figured we'd help her out. The biotic wrecking balls came flying down the hill. Blood was just starting to get pumping. I could _feel _the action coming, like the short fight we were in was just the tip of the iceberg. Well placed push, a shockwave, a strangely accurate shotgun blast. Geth parts flying everywhere. We made damn quick work of them and we got to Williams. She's all broken up cause she lost her squad. Unfortunately, no time for a PTSD fuck. Why was she so sad anyway? Boo hoo, I had 75% casualties on Torfan. She lost, what, ten guys and she wasn't even CO! Women, am I right?

I did see her shoot some geth, though; turns out she was a pretty good soldier. Made her kill a few more and ordered her to join us. I'm not like Nihlus. Always nice to have another target with me. And I liked to look at this particular meatshield. So onward and upward! We saw some more geth, shot some more geth, and made our way towards the dig site where they found the Beacon.

Oh yeah, I forgot about my count. I had Alenko doing it with me, too. If you were to ask him now, he'd say it was fun. Always beat him, though. Shotgun and biotics, once again. Alenko was a good compliment, throwing some of his own stuff along with mine. We had geth floating all over the place, ripe for the picking. There wasn't blood though; I'm not gonna lie, that was disappointing. No life leaving their "eyes" either. It was more like someone turning a flashlight off. And we all know how exciting that is. Killing geth is not nearly as fun as killing people.

Blah blah, walk along, get to the Beacon dig site, no one there, kept going. We found some scientists cowering in a shelter on our way to the spaceport. Pussies. The one was freaking out the whole time, "oh my god, I'm so scared!" He was complaining about all the shit around him. It probably didn't help to have the fucking Butcher yelling. He got fucking annoying so I punched his ass out to shut him up. Ha, made my first crack in the funky way. Seriously, though, it was for the greater good. The last thing we needed was a future psych-ward attendee running around my battlefield... Next, though, we found the husks.

_Shepard hesitates_.

You ever see a husk up close? I've fought hundreds, if not thousands of the things. An awful moan, chills you to your core. It even bugs me. They have that look in their eye, too. It's almost there _isn't_ a look. Just a vacant stare…

_Interviewer encourages Shepard to continue after another hesitation_.

Yeah, husks. You can't intimidate them, either. With mercs, batarians, whoever, you can make them nervous by killing their buddies. Even geth get a little hesitant, with the whole self-preservation thing. But killing fellow soldiers... It hurts morale. Seeing your friend get a biotic punch to the face will fuck some people up in the head. The blood splatter alone can freak some of the weaker ones out. But husks, they don't notice. The just keep hustling towards you, ignoring pain, limb losses, everything. I caught one on fire.

Quick question: what's the one thing worse than a husk?

Answer: a husk on fire.

Ha ha! Have to pretty much behead them to get one down for good. Probably the creepiest enemy I've ever faced. On Eden Prime, Alenko and Williams didn't handle it that well. Lots of shouts and just general unease from them. One of Alenko's weaker moments…and Williams is a girl, so what do you expect.

That was a joke...laugh, Mr. Pulitzer.

_A nervous laugh_.

Dance, puppet, dance! Yeah. Well, Johnny took out the husks and fought through them. It wasn't easy, for sure. I was Raging at the time, so I was only thinking "head shot." Pumped me up, made shots to the forehead a bit more frequent. Husk blood was everywhere. Still red like a human's. And it still tasted good.

Hmm, next we went down a hill, I got to scare some some farmers with the Snarl, then we found Nihlus; he was pretty damn dead. Blue blood from his head "wound" _everywhere_. Turian brains look pretty damn similar to human brains, by the way. Smelled the same and felt the same too.

_The interviewer is disgusted_.

Fuck you, shithead. You're just the biggest pussy ever! Shit. You keep interrupting the story, so I miss details. Goddamnit. Ugh. Some dock worker goes "A Turian did it! Saren." And there was our antagonist, conveniently discovered on our first little excursion. More geth, biotic pulls, pushes, grenades from Williams. Not going to lie, we were a slammin' team. Rail thingy, bombs in the spaceport. The fight was pretty much this: shotgun, geth dead, geth dead, biotics, shotgun, and, next thing I know, I had forty eight. Somewhere in there I decided to try and bite a Geth. Paid for that mistake with twenty stitches on my arm. Lost my ear for the first time in that fight, too. Medi-gelled that guy right back on, though. Damn, like I said, geth aren't that exciting to fight. They don't _bleed_, they can't cry. It's like shooting a LOKI mech. It's satisfying but there's no reward for a good shot. Dismemberment means nothing. It's just...eh.

You still have me pissed off, Pulitzer. Fuck. And I hold grudges, too.

Well, we disarmed the bombs, cleaned up the area and went towards the little area with the Beacon. About twice my height, skinny. Almost like a mass relay turned on its side. Eh, I don't remember it that well anyway; I did blow it up!

_Shepard is pleased_.

The next minute is a blur. I mean, I remember the first twenty seconds, but then blammo! Fucking Williams gets curious, right? "Oh, what's this shiny thing? I want to touch it!" The Beacon was pretty cool, I'm not gonna lie. Fucking Williams... one of my softer moments coming up. I rescued the damsel in distress, threw her out of the way of some…beam? She "activated" something by just standing there and it started dragging her in. Stupid way to start something up, in my opinion. Stand near it and it activates...it's not a door for fuck's sake.

Saving her, though, I suppose it genes or something. Ever rescue someone, Pully?

_Muffled reply._

Of course you didn't. Rule #17 in Johnny's Sex Advice: rescue a girl, she's about twenty times more likely to fuck you.

There is no book, just so you know. Totally made that up. Why rule #17? Who the fuck knows?

Beacon saving, right. I totally wouldn't have done that for a dude; not looking for a fuck there, not that there's anything wrong with that... Just don't come on to me, Mr. Pulitzer. I see how you're looking at me...

_The interviewer is surprised_.

Ha ha, got ya! Back to the story. When I pushed Williams out of the way, of the Beacon I mean, I got a bunch of images slammed into my head. Pretty horrible stuff, Butcher horrible. Synthetics and shit killing bug looking guys.

_Interviewer asks for a detailed description after another Shepard hesitation_.

...No, thank you. I rather not relive that in detail. Maybe some vague stuff. A lot of orange for some reason. Death, the bug guys, the end. A big black hole, weird noises, and then I blacked out.

It was…pretty horrible, actually. A lesser man wouldn't have handled it like I did. Mr. Pulitzer, you would have cried for days afterwards. You don't seem like a strong willed guy, anyway. Your mind would have been blown.

_Protest from the interviewer_.

Are you kidding me? No _way_ you could handle that. You have your pen and paper, your omni-tool recording. Have you ever fired a weapon? Hell, have you ever _held_ one? No, you would've broken so damn quick if you saw those visions. You may be smart, but you're not strong.

Nerd.

Anyway, I wake up in the _Normandy_ barely having time to fucking comprehend all of this shit. You know, I figure that I would have deserved a little rest. I did just get mind fucked by an ancient thing-a-ma-bob. I'm not a machine! Ha ha, well a bit of me is. Got the glowing eyes and shit. Cerberus made me harder, better, faster, stronger. I like that song. Old song by some techno group… Shit.

Back on track, Johnny. Refocused myself for you right there, Mr. Pulitzer.

Beacon. Vision. Rest. I woke up, right, and Anderson is right the fuck there babbling about Saren wanting to destroy the human race. Blah, blah, any rational human being would've assumed a less…drastic goal. Anderson, right? We had to report to Council, bring the guy, Saren I mean, to justice! I just wanted to fucking sit. What was the hurry? I was gonna catch him eventually. A break is all I asked for. But there's no rest for the tired. That's not right. How's it go?

_The interviewer explains._

Oh, yeah. Once again, I'm not coining any phrases. I'm all over the place. In the medbay, where I woke up, Williams was there, too. Thanking me for saving her. I just wanted to fuck her and she was clearly in love with me, ha. Rule #17, I'm telling you. Fish in a barrel, am I right? I'm not allowed to talk about fucking, though. Because of someone being a stuck up prick.

_Shepard glares_.

Ugh. So we're headed to the Citadel. Going to talk to the Council. Revenge for Eden Prime, right? Frankly, I don't give a shit about that place, but I did want some Turian blood for First Contact... Can't believe they never paid for that shit. I had to do it myself and Saren, their best Spectre I suppose, was a damn good start.

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><p><em>AN: Thank you for reading. Updates will likely be every Tuesday; maybe a special treat on Fridays. Thanks for reading and may the odds be ever in your favor...yeah, sure. That's what I'll end with._


	6. Scotch, No Ice

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. It may stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thank you, and enjoy._

_*Mass Effect is property of Bioware. Thank you, stnemele, for the help._

* * *

><p>Mr. Pulitzer, have you ever been to the Citadel?<p>

_The interviewer is unintelligible._

Ah, man, you're missing out. That place, is goddamn _huge_. Shit, how many kilometers is it? The station makes Arcturus look like a toy. Pretty magnificent…yes, magnificent, I use big words…back drop, too, with the nebula behind it. When we popped out of FTL, that asshole Joker suggested we come up to see. For most of us, it was our first time there. Williams was pointing, admiring with the enthusiasm of a three year old; pretty much what I expected from a fucking grunt. Alenko and I, we just looked. The _Destiny Ascension _just floating around. Stupid looking ship, but massive. And impressive and damn powerful.

So we fly in to dock to debrief the whole Beacon disaster to the Council. The _Normandy_ kept flying closer and closer and the station just got bigger and bigger. Finally, we docked with one of the arms and got a little welcoming party. Udina, everyone knows that name, was there to meet us and ream us out for the Eden Prime "political shitstorm." I gave him a "fuck you" and he stormed off to go start some hearing or shit. Johnny didn't like the guy, but that fucking asshole knew what was important: Humanity. He got shit done that other douchebag politicians couldn't do. Anderson suggested the Eden Prime team go to the Council Chambers to rat Saren out. He, I mean Saren, was a dick, so why the fuck not?

Huh, this is a pretty straight forward story, don't you think? Not much action, just kind of walking around. Nice and peaceful place, which is _clearly_ not my cup of tea. I went to the station as little as possible. Good food though. They had ramen from Earth…

_Interviewer urges Shepard to continue_.

Okay, okay. I'll get back to it. Fucking Council. They rushed us there so quick. I wanted a goddamn nap. Happened upon Garrus for the first time that day, he was arguing that Saren was a douchebag and needed to be brought to justice. So many people want "justice." Just call it "revenge" or "I want to kill the guy," please. Asking for justice makes you sound self righteous and kind of a prick. I suppose that's why I'm sitting here today…some alien pricks want goddamn justice. Fuck that.

_Shepard is frustrated. The interviewer encourages him_.

Gahh...anyway, the three of us walk into the Council Chambers to find Garrus fighting The Man, trying to take down another turian. You don't see that often, am I right? I liked the fucker immediately. You know how sometimes you can just read a guy without ever talking to them? Well I knew Garrus was a different type of turian right away. Just something about the guy. He had the potential to be ruthless and you don't see that often, even in krogan. Carried himself like a human, I don't know. He was just _different_. He was going to be my goddamn sidekick; I could tell that he would do anything to get something done. Proved that with Sidonis and Dr. Heart. That guy was fucked up. Harvesting organs is pretty fucking terrible and that's coming from the Butcher...

_Short comment that Shepard ignores_.

...but Garrus just had that look about him. He introduced himself, I was _nice_ to him, which is fucking absurd. Said I'd see him later. Ha ha, what the fuck is that, ya know? I'm still fucking shocked I was that nice to a turian.

_A muffled comment_.

Nope, Garrus is the only turian I'll ever respect. They're a shitty ass race and deserved what they got. Anyway, the hearing went quick considering its importance. Assholes didn't even wait for me to get there and I was the most important person in the goddamn room. Up for Spectre-ship…is that right? Spectre-ship? I don't fucking know. Goddamn Council, man. Took that asshole Saren's side from the get-go. It didn't help that Anderson was babbling "he wants to kill the whole human race!" and shit. Udina was right; it was a mistake to bring him into that hearing. Now we had to go all over the goddamn station to find some piece of evidence. Like a fucking cop. I don't do that. I shoot things. Nothing to fucking shoot.

The whole investigation shit took so goddamn _long_. Days it seemed. Well that included the pit stops in the bars and clubs and bedrooms. Other than that, just walking around. Ha ha, it didn't help that I slept for 12 hours after the hearing. I have everyone around me saying "Shepard, we need to catch this guy." Giant fuck you to all of you. I wanted a goddamn break and I'll fucking get it. Found the most expensive hotel, some nice bitches from the Consort's office, and some Hallex and went to town on the Alliance's dime. Fucked two random whores off the street just by saying I was goddamn Shepard.

Rule #17 of Shepard's Book of Fucking: Introduce yourself as Johnny Shepard and the ladies will drop their pants damn quick.

_The interviewer objects_.

Fuck! I didn't even get into details. Nothing about the fantastic blow jo…

_Exclamation from the interviewer_.

Ha, oh shit, you caught me there. Beep that out. Or do the whole "expletive" thing, right? Fuck…right. I got my beauty "rest" and we were ready to take down Saren. Whoopdie fucking do. The _Normandy _wasn't mine yet so I couldn't just chase after him like I wanted. Politics.

Oh yeah, about the Consort, interesting fact. She offered some fucking "reward" for helping her talk to some turian shithead general. I knew what the reward was, a good old fashioned fuck, but I'm not into goddamn blue chicks. Do they even have…lady parts? Censored myself! I'm learning, Pully, I'm fucking learning.

_The interviewer begins to explain asari anatomy_.

Shut. Up. I don't fucking care. It's one of those questions that really don't fucking matter. Damnit. Let's just say that I didn't help her out. A bunch of other people were asking for my help, too. "Commander Shepard! I know you're busy trying to stop some bad guys, but could you help me deliver a package?" Seriously? I'm the best soldier in the goddamn galaxy and you want me to run errands? Told them all to fuck off. Get off your asses and do that shit yourselves. Go save your wife's body yourself. Hire some mercs to kill your sister because I don't fucking care. I had more important things to do. Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll. Violence, too. Only things that mattered. Fucking assholes, right?

Well, the fucking Council tells us to find more evidence, so I figured we'd talk to Mr. Detective himself, Garrus. Was he a detective? Officer? Does C-Sec have detectives? It's not like they actually do anything, but maybe someone can be fucking accountable for all of the shit that goes down on that station. They're worse than the goddamn Vancouver...hell, _Seattle_, police.

So Garrus, we go looking around for him. Someone says to search for him at C-Sec's offices; that's where we met Wrex. Fucking Urdnot Wrex. He was a _monster_ in a fight. Blood Raged just like myself. Had biotics, too. And a goddamn shotgun! He was me, in dinosaur form. That fucking guy… Made me admire some krogan... _some_ of them. Most were illiterate assholes, hard to goddamn kill. Wrex had his loyalties and didn't give a shit about anything else. My kind of guy.

_Shepard smirks_.

Well my buddy Wrex, right? He's having some goddamn argument at C-Sec, clearly winning. It took a lot to take him down, I'll tell you that much. I would've loved to see some cop blood; I hadn't seen any since Vancouver.

_A question about police work_.

No, I don't respect it...or them. Killing a cop is fun. They're all high and mighty at first, waving their guns in the air like they're a real soldier. You pull one on them, the fear pops up immediately. Cowering behind their cars. You show some biotics and they piss their pants. Honestly, I've made some piss themselves. It's brilliant... And, before you smash their head in, they're just as scared as any street rat.

_Question from the interviewer_.

How many cops did I kill? Man, I don't fucking know. That was, what, fifteen years ago? Shot some C-Sec guys during some…altercations over the years, but most of the kills were on Earth. Local police in Vancouver. Small time jobs, beat cops eating donuts. Remember, I got my first gun from a cop. Stole it, but still…

So yeah, I'm talking to Wrex. He wants to go after some guy named Fist, a pussy criminal in the Wards on the Citadel. I say, alright come with us. Can't be that bad to have a krogan with you. For one, it makes all those assholes asking for help back the fuck off. That reporter bugged out when she saw him. Second, he's got some good running commentary; krogan have a certain perspective. The few leftover... I sent Williams back to the ship because she was fucking nervous around the big guy. I don't want her in a fight anyway. She was along for the fucking, not the fighting. I'm a fighter and a fucker.

Like that saying. I'm a lover not a fighter. But I'm not a lover. I fuck. Get it? Shit, I really did forget how boring the Citadel is. Outside of the pit stops. Other than that, just walking around.

_The interviewer sighs and begins to object_.

Ha, you're already getting tired of my antics, Mr. Pulitzer. You knew who'd you be talking to when you walked into this shit. Deal with it.

We actually stumbled upon Garrus at some random med clinic. Giant station, but small, too. The turian badass was sneaking around, there was some red-head doctor hostage. Bam, bam, bam, bad guys go down. Garrus' shot that got the lead guy was fucking fantastic. Between the eyes. More accurate than Johnny; I'm more of a wild shot. Shotguns go for damage more than accuracy anyway.

Garrus thanks us, joins us because why the fuck not, "justice" and shit, and we have to go take out this Fist ass, now. I sent Alenko back to the ship after that. I already had my biotic in Wrex... in Wrex... Ha I just imagined a krogan eating Alenko. But damn, so much running around. I just wanted to fucking _go_. So on we go to some shithole called… Chora's Den? Like I said, it was a shithole. Nothing fancy, just some random ass bar in the shitty part of the Citadel. Guys were waiting for us.

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, this is on our way to find the goddamn quarian. Someone, that red head I think, knew she had something. A quarian had our evidence to link Saren to Eden Prime. Apparently a human eye witness isn't enough, but a fucking recording from some gypsy was the defining proof.

Damnit, the shit we had to do for fucking Tali. Neediest goddamn soul in the galaxy. Next to T'soni, maybe. Fuck, I'm bored.

You bored yet, Pully? I told you this part was slow. All it was was walking. All over the goddamn station. Fuck, I need a drink. Get me a drink.

_Objection from the interviewer_.

Fuck you. Get me a fucking drink you fucking asshole mother fucker! I'm not saying a word until you get me something to drink! Something strong. Go get it! Seriously, I'm getting goddamn pissed off.

_Shepard snarls and the interviewer jumps_.

I'm John Fucking Shepard. Get me that drink, now. Right now. I know you have some, too. I swear...you're not getting one more word until I get a fucking drink. I'm going to freak out in about a minute. Exactly a minute. I'm gonna do a count down. John is impatient, remember. _Damnit_, why are you still sitting there?

Ahhhhh! Just go! Sixty seconds. And I will count down each goddamned second. Holy shit you're pushing me. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_! Sixty... fifty-nine... fifty-eight... fifty-

_The interviewer leaves the room. Shepard is alone_.

Whoa... Yeah, that's what I fucking thought.

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><p><em>AN: Thank you for reading. Until next time; Tuesday! This may be my last Friday update for a while...workload has increased in the office and I can't be spending all my time writing!_


	7. Special Tactics and Limited Recon

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling may stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thank you, and enjoy._

_*Mass Effect is property of Bioware. Thanks to stnemele for all of the great help!_

* * *

><p>Hello? Someone get me my fucking drink! Holy shit, hey, Pulitzer! Where the fuck are you?<p>

_The interviewer returns with a beverage_.

Ah, fuck yeah. Glad I can still fucking scream at someone to get what I want; works every fucking time. You were scared weren't you? Ha ha, you still are! Pussy.

_Shepard smirks and takes a big gulp_.

Delicious. Well done, Pully, well done. Can we get back to the story? You keep goddamn interrupting me with your words and your fucking not getting me a drink.

_Murmur from the interviewer_.

Alright. Gahhh...lets see. We were going after Fist. Because he knew where Tali was. Because she had a recording. Shit, that goddamn quarian. The second worst species in the galaxy. Okay, maybe not the second, but shitty none the less. Always getting sick, gave us the fucking geth. Well, the whole geth thing worked out, actually. Best buds with those guys now, right?

Anyway, we had the fairly simple job of fucking up some guy for information. Walk into a bar, "talk" to him, and find a quarian. Of course it wasn't that simple. I loved it; no more goddamn walking.

Never knew who gave the warning, really. It was just all of the sudden, twenty or so guys with fucking guns running around in public. It went from being a shithole bar to a gunfight in five minutes. Seriously, I thought there was some sort of gun control on the fucking station. I leave the fucking place for twenty minutes and suddenly the back alley bar is a goddamn war zone. Citadel Security my ass. Aria had better control over Omega than fucking C-Sec. You can sneak anything onto the fucking Citadel without any consequences. I brought _Legion_ for heaven's sake. A goddamned geth and I passed it off as a "personal AI." Asshole Joker did the same thing! Fuck man, goddamn C-Sec. No small wonder that Garrus left when he got the chance.

Anyway, the thugs were armed to the teeth…but no goddamn armor. Idiots... And they were squishy humans, too. Fuck. Yeah. I had Garrus and Wrex with me so I had a particularly awesome opportunity to show them how fucking badass Johnny was. So I counted. One was a quick blast to the face of a bouncer sporting the world's shittiest moustache. Classic brain out of the back of the head, got some nice splatter. "Excellent, Shepard," I got from Wrex. A classic line. He one upped me and fucking knocked two out with one shot. The fucking guy, right?

_Interviewer comments_.

Yeah, I know. They're good goddamn fighters. Like I said before. Remember, I took them goddamn everywhere. You ever actually pay attention to what I'm saying? Shit.

_Shepard downs the remainder of his drink_.

I was pumped up by the competition immediately. Wrex got my blood boiling with his shots, so I had to out do him. I fucking enjoyed the fight, like there was no goddamn tomorrow. They had no shields or armor, so it was like killing…well it was just killing. Pulled two guys out from behind the bar, two quick shots fucking demolished their chests. Charged across the room and biotically raped this one fucker. Turian, too, so I enjoyed it more. Punch to the gut, snapped his goddamn head fringe, then finished the fucker with a stomp on his head. The Butcher was riled up.

Garrus and Wrex weren't doing too bad themselves. What I noticed outside my Rage was some goddamn good sniping from Garrus and a blood covered wrecking ball in Wrex. Garrus was efficient, one shot kill every time. Wrex was...wrecking. Get it? Wrex...wrecking. They're the same! I'm so goddamn clever.

_Skepticism from the interviewer._

You're just jealous. Ha fucking ha, we were quite the goddamn site after our little excursion. Wrex and I were fucking splattered in all kinds of fun colors; Garrus was dry. Blue armor sparkling clean. The fuck? He _never_ got dirty in a fight; I couldn't ever fucking understand. Had just as many kills as Alenko or Williams would, probably more, but was so much cleaner about it. Like he wanted the janitors to have an easier mop up or some shit. What a great guy. Sauve with the ladies, too.

Anyway, we clear out the fucking bar, twenty guys dead in three minutes. I realized right then, that Garrus, Wrex, and Johnny were going to be un-fucking-stoppable. They were my team. Poor Williams and Alenko weren't going to see any goddamn action ever again if shit worked out right. It would suck to have to sideline such good fighters, but they were ready to go if I needed them; wouldn't have a choice anyway.

So Fist, right. First of all, what a _stupid_ nickname. Trying to convey toughness or something. He was anything but... That guy was just a giant fucking pussy. He talked big until I shot his kneecaps, had him crying on the floor. He wouldn't talk, so I figured I'd shoot him again. His hands were next. One, two. Fist's begging now, now that he has an injured fist. Ha, again. Asshole tells us some bass ackwards idea or reasoning or something. Kill the quarian, save Saren or some shit... data? Shadow Broker something? I don't know, I'm not an espionage type of guy. I get things done. None of that pussy footing around. The connection never quite made sense to me, but people choose their allies. Ever since Widow I've been...careful about allies.

This fucker chose a shitty fucking ally. We had our information, the quarian was headed for a trap in a few minutes, but Fist was a douchebag. Garrus was showing the inner cop by cringing at my methods, but he let it happen. Wrex was laughing. And I was grinning like a goddamn idiot. Fist cried and screamed in pain as I slowly peeled his skin off his forehead. Scalped the fucker. I'd never scalped someone. It was an interesting experience...yeah, let's go with "interesting." My last time doing it. It was pretty damn fucked up. I know why the old Indians loved it so much, but fuck. I'm not ashamed to admit that that was a little too much for Johnny. It was such a powerful feeling, though, and the screams are just brilliant. Wrex put him out of his misery because of some fucking bounty; I didn't care, the guy was dead anyway. Would've bled out anyway. Steal some shit, stepped out of the bar and I never went back. Hopefully it burned during one of the fucking eleven billion Citadel takeovers.

Then we ran off to get the quarian. Fucking Tali. She was just a goddamned kid. What kind of weird ass society just sends out their kids on a "pilgrimage?" Half of them end up in some shitty ass situation where they're royally fucked for a while. Like that kid on Omega.

_Interviewer questions Shepard_.

Yeah, I almost felt bad for that guy. He was a shopkeeper, ran out of money so he couldn't go home. Had a family and shit. And their fleet wouldn't pick him up? Damn. Another soft moment for me. Tossed him a few creds so he could leave, then.

I looted his store after, but keep that quiet, okay?

But fuck, if you're gonna abandon your kids, just stay in your fucking fleet, be like the Collectors used to be. Quarians... Hide, don't send your sick, biosuit wearing asshole immune systems out into the galaxy. They're so goddamn weak. Had so save so many of the pathetic creatures. Yet they still fucking went to war with the geth. A bunch of bubble-boys against super robots and their goddamn Prime's. The geth are just better than any quarians.

So, fucking idiot quarian on her "journey" to "learn" about the galaxy. Got mixed up with the wrong people. Fucking child. We have to run to save her because of why the fuck, I don't care, I'll take the data anyway. Fist says, before he dies, that the meeting's soon and blah blah, what the fuck ever. Yet another damsel in distress. I swear, someone was writing this shit. Creating romance...but who wants to fuck a three fingered alien? No. Just no. I bet they'd die after sex anyway. How the hell do they do that? Baby-makin' has to be ridiculous for quarians.

_The interviewer tries to explain_.

They link suits? What the fuck does that mean? Are they attached at the hip for months or something? How do they have babies? Do they put the goddamn medical team in the same suit for months, too? There's gotta be so much bacteria and shit in the birthing fluid...

Ugh, what the fuck? Goddamn it, Pulitzer, you have me talking about quarian fucking birth. Gross. Ha, I guess it's funny that violence doesn't bother me at all, but...yeah. Gross.

_Interviewer reigns Shepard in_.

Back to the Citadel! Wrex and Garrus, with me in the lead, go to the meeting place. There she is, fucking quarian getting cornered by some thugs after her. Two salarians and a turian...who was coming on to her. Fucking turians.

Tali tosses a grenade in close quarters, retarded, then gets pinned down. John has to save the idiot. So biotic charge in, weak ass salarians go down one, two, and I broke the turian's neck. Pretty simple. Charge, bam, boom.

Tali and I's first conversation. Pretty much: "Give me the data."

I'm gonna try to do her...Russian? Arabic? Whatever her accent was, it was actually kind of sexy. Came from the goddamned quarian suit, though, so she probably talked in clicks and whistles. Pretty much all I heard when she talked most of the time anyway, ha ha ha. "Beep, click, berp, berp!"

_Shepard is laughing, the interviewer exasperated_.

Actually, she demanded to see the Council. You don't demand shit from me. I grabbed her and held my pistol to her head. Cried out for help. Garrus steps in because of his goddamn morals...says we need her for the evidence. Bullshit, I could have produced it just as easy. Steal her omni-tool, hack the shit out of it, and there we go. Saren fucking did it! But, nooo, we had to take the quarian with us. Udina had it right when he objected to her being there. We didn't need her and I certainly didn't want some gypsy alien strutting around the _Normandy_. I assumed I'd be flying around with Anderson for a while anyway. They wouldn't have problems with a turian on the space boat and I could convince them we needed Wrex. How Tali got on...

_Interviewer comments_.

I suppose Tali was good with the engines. Apparently the Alliance acquires the best fucking crew in the galaxy and puts them on the best fucking ship, but neglects to find an adequate lead engineer. Adams was okay, but Tali _was_ better. I'll admit that much.

So yeah, now we're back to walking around. It was a _long_ elevator ride to the embassy. Had to show the proof. It was on a geth memory core, conveniently recorded _perfectly._ We went to Udina because I wanted to get going and leave the station. So boring. Blah, blah, hear some "speculative" news about Eden Prime that made me laugh. Then, blamo, we're in Udina's office. Good view, actually. Right out on the Presidium. Would've been nicer if there was some noise or something, but hey, I said I like a good view.

Fuck, I'm so goddamn bored. Seriously, nothing happened here outside of some meetings. We found out what we already knew, Saren was the bad guy, and something about an asari Matriarch. What the fuck ever, just let me go kill Saren. I wanted to. _Really_ bad. Didn't have the authority until the Council made me a Spectre and they gave me the _Norm_...

_An interuption by the interviewer_.

Oh, the Spectre shebang? Yeah that was fucking stupid. Probably would've been more efficient to just say "Yeah, you're a Spectre, go get that guy." No, we have to have a goddamned ceremony. Fucking pompous asses. "Commander Shepard, you exemplify the best humanity has to offer," which we all know is bullshit, "so we're making you part of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance unit."

It was a cool feeling, in hindsight, getting all that power. Who would've thought little Johnny, a street rat from Vancouver would be one of the best fighters in the galaxy? Well I did, but no one else. Widow may have seen the potential, but she was holding me back. The Reds held me back. The Alliance held me back. But I still did it; fucking Spectre. Best of the mother fucking best. And they gave me the _Normandy_, too. My own ship, the best in the galaxy. My own crew, got to take my new best buds Garrus and Wrex with me, too.

And Tali, I still don't know how she ended up with us.

_Unintelligible comment_.

Engines? I guess. She did throw a grenade once, too. I mean that's damn impressive!

Sarcasm. Again. Write it down, I swear.

Spectre-ship comes with its advantages. Guns, guns, guns. We got some pretty awesome rifles, a _beautiful_ shotgun. We were ready to rock. Armed, and we had a lead. Matriarch Benezia, you know the one that helped Saren, her daughter is Liara T'soni. Not many people know that, actually. "Oh man, we hafta go find her!" Anderson's opinion. Enthusiastic and so goddamn idealistic. So damn annoying.

Well, T'soni is hanging out digging up Prothean shit on...um...some fucking planet. I'll think of it. Three things I figured: we could learn some shit about that goddamn vision, she might know some information about the Matriarch, _and_ the good Doctor was an asari. Asari can be damn good biotics as we saw from the war. The more biotics, the better, right?

Yeah, that wasn't fucking true.

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><p><em>AN: Thank you for reading. I just want to say that I like Tali's character so much. Johnny's opinion of her does not reflect my own!_


	8. Doctor T'soni, I Presume

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling may stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thank you, and enjoy._

_Thanks to __Nokachi9494, Foonator, ShiftySpaceCow, damdirtyape, and Elfhoneigh for the comments! They help and motivate quite a lot._

_*Mass Effect is property of Bioware. Many thanks to stnemele, I suppose my "beta," once again!_

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><p>Therum! It was Therum!<p>

_The interviewer expressions confusion_.

The Artemis Tau Cluster. Therum. Knossos System? Yeah, Therum. That's where the good Doctor T'soni was. Liara; if you've crossed her, something horrible has gone wrong in your life. Powerful biotic. Of course, she was the ten year old equivalent for an asari when I met her. A hundred years old and still a fucking child! Well, she certainly didn't look like it, but you know what I mean. Crazy ass life spans.

Anyway, we found out T'soni was studying some ruins in the ATC...I definitely just made up an abbreviation for that cluster. I'm a fucking genius, right?

_A sigh from the interviewer_.

Don't you puff at me, Mr. Pulitzer. I'm just more clever than your ass. The ATC, yeah. Therum anyway. The day on Therum was a pretty fucking horrible day. First, no fucking organics to kill...outside of _one_ krogan. And the payoff was absolute shit. Got to fire a big laser, though.

Of course, though, it couldn't be a walk in and pick her up mission. It never fucking was. Always a problem. So many goddamn hoops to jump through in this galaxy. I mean, damn, _nothing_ is easy. Takes fucking hours for the simplest shit. Walking and then driving that damn Mako. Holy shit, the fucking machine sucked.

I hated driving that thing, so I delegated that particular duty to fucking Williams. Ha, fucked her a couple times in there, too. Garrus would be fixing the thing then complain about it smelling "sweaty" with a mixture of something else. She was just throwing pussy at me anyway...

_Snap from the interviewer_.

Aww, come on! All I said was we fucked in the Mako! Usually during the down time...not _all_ the time. That wasn't even until after picking up our _wonderful _asari.

Sarcasm, remember. It's very important to me, okay?

We did our stuff...you see, I can hold it back if I focus...while travelling from system to system. It's not like we were bumping uglies all the time. Williams didn't even give it up until after I saved her for the second time on one of the asshole side missions Hackett gave us. She took it as "love" and not just relaxation. Not my fault she was all idealistic then...had no idea what we were facing. I didn't either, but you know how it goes...

There, I didn't say anything about fucking. Well, hardcore. Like the time we...

_Interviewer begins to object_.

Oh, _sorry_, fucking asshole. Jeez, you'd figure the galaxy would be a little more open to adult shit after the Reapers. And it's not like people don't know what fucking is. Or, as cowards call it, "making love." What a joke. Hey Pully, is it better to say I "made love" to Williams instead of "fucking" Williams? Seriously. I'll tone it down. My dick made love to Willi...

_Interview objects, again_.

Ha, that's what you get! You fucking guy...you fucking guy. I own this room right now. I'll shut up for the more graphic sex shit, but I'll say what I want. Like: pussy pirate Hallex motherfucking rachni egg nest rape. Yeah, I don't know what that meant, but I said it.

And you have to write it down. Or record it. Whatever... Cock knocker.

_Shepard smirks_.

Okay, so Williams _always_ drives the Mako. I normally took Wrex and Garrus with me on missions; Alenko stayed as second in command behind Pressley on the _Normandy_. That guy was just waiting to have a heart attack, anyway. He looked like he was ninety. A douchebag, too. Alliance to the core. Always looked down at me because of Torfan...asshole.

I hated this whole mission. First off, no goddamned organics. No blood. Second, the "payout" was goddamned five year old Liara. The good Doctor was just...

Fuck. I'm still pissed. God damnit! I don't want to talk about this fucking "mission." It's just a... I mean... Shit, all we did was get some useless asari! At least I got to shoot my gun...

There were couple of geth. Had to fight an uphill battle the one time: great for Garrus, but difficult for Wrex. I just zipped around with my biotics, breaking flashlight-heads all over the place. The plasma rifles they used didn't leave much damage, either. Barely ever got through my shields and if a shot _did_ get through, my armor stopped it. My helmet caught a fair number of shots, though.

Always wore a helmet. What idiot doesn't wear a helmet into battle? Hell, what idiot doesn't wear a helmet on a goddamn hoverbike? I knew a Red that didn't wear a helmet; he met his "unfortunate" end when he clipped a fucking dog and smashed his head off the street. Mmm, brains anyone? It was like his head goddamn exploded all over the curb he hit. I don't want my head exploded. So I wear a helmet. Like a sane person would.

_Interviewer encourages Shepard_.

Helmets; I've seen a good deal of soldiers take a bullet to the head, too. Hell, I do it all the fucking time; my shots, a helmet won't save you, though. They can't take getting hit by five shells from a foot away. Boom! But yeah, I saw a bunch of soldiers eat it on Torfan because they took their helmets off. "Too hot" or some shit. They want hot? Those goddamn volcanoes on Therum made Torfan's jungle look like Noveria.

So up the hill. Wrexing shit, see what I did there? The geth had a few snipers but Garrus did his job. Took 'em out, corny puns. "I guess you won't _see_ me later!" Easy work, the geth. They just weren't any fun. When I threw 'em up in the air, they didn't scream, just fucking clicked. I was pumping up alright then so a mild Rage. No nosebleed yet. Until the fucking Armature.

Fuck, I hate this. Why am I even talking about it? Not a drop of blood. One fucking krogan...

_A sigh_.

Why am I telling you? It's my goddamn interview. Fuuuuuuuck.

There was a giant geth. That was... interesting. Weakness for myself, I'll be honest. I was Raging a little bit more by this time because, hell, biotics do get me pumped up. So, being the asshole that I am, I decided to charge the fucking thing. Huff, puff, zoom! And it did nothing. I got fucking _kicked_ about twenty feet backwards, smack into a wall that was set up for the mine. Wind out of me. Pissed me the fuck off. I do things up close; when something can kick your ass fifty feet in the air when you get next to it, I'm pretty much fucked. Screamed an order, tunnel vision was so goddamn narrow. Williams and Garrus peppered it with their rifles; Garrus used some tech shit, too. Wrex hit it with whatever. And I was fucking _everywhere_. Screaming. Would give you the chills. Tunnel vision... My nose was bleeding, again. From the overused amp. If only they had a fucking L17 or something... So I charged, again. Same goddamn result as the first time. I was so pissed off. Holy shit, you have no idea. Ughh, still pissed. _Fuck_ that thing. It's like...fuck, I don't know. You don't knock Shepard down. Ever. And twice? No, no, no. And I couldn't even kill it slowly.

Never knock me down twice. Zip, biotic charge across the field... Manage to flank the fucking asshole. It was focusing on my two snipers and Mr. Krogan. Sneaky Shepard, yeah right. I yelled my way through a charge, ha ha, and climbed on its...back? Rode it like a mother fucking cowboy.

I also know what a cowboy is! Barnyard expert, remember?

_Short laugh from the interviewer. Encouragement to continue_.

Beep, beep, beep goes the shit ass overheating shotgun. I'm so glad they came up with the thermal clips. Just pumped shot after shot into it. Holding on for dear life, too. It was trying to buck me off; electronics everywhere. "Buck" is the word there, right? Like a horse or something.

_Interviewer confirms_.

Okay. Well, one leg went off; it still stood there! Goddamn...fucking pissed. And Joker...just fucking shoot it. "Fuck you Geth, fuck you Joker" was my battle cry that day. Shit, we probably fought that thing for twenty minutes before it went down. Probably hit a memory card in its middle. Geth...they can't just have regular old brains. Crash to the ground. Boo, no explosion!

_Comment from the interviewer_.

Williams? I don't know, maybe I had three squad members with me? I probably said it before, asshole. Seriously...I'm fucking done with Therum. We're talking about Feros. Or Noveria. I got to kill some turians on Noveria at least.

_Plea from the interviewer_.

What, you want the story how we saved an asari from a bubble? She fucking got _stuck_. In a bubble. No, this isn't even worth the story.

_Murmur_.

No, fuck you. I rather talk about some of those fuckass detours the Alliance kept sending me. I didn't have any loyalty to them. Fuck, I had everything I needed because I was a Spectre. Except the ship. Damn, the crew didn't matter. I recruited a whole goddamn team with Cerberus, I should have done it back then. Oh, how...well, I'm not stupid, but... What's it called when you're...Umm... Naive! Naive, that's what I was. Yeah, don't even get me started about Cerberus. Sticking with them later...

Definitely a mistake.

_Murmur_.

You really want more Therum? Shit, Pully, you're persistent. Only good part about that cave? The fucking laser. Big goddamn laser.

_Shepard grins_.

Yeah, a mining laser. Super laser. Would make a big "boom." I like booms. Why that was down there... I mean, there's expensive shit everywhere. Artifacts. I mean, I couldn't care less, but some people do. I probably could've stole some shit and sold it on the black market...

Shit...

Damnit, why didn't I do that? Hindsight is twenty-twenty, you know? Fuck, Pully! I probably missed out on a couple million credits. There's art fucks on every fucking planet that would go crazy over a Prothean...thing. Mr. Pulitzer, I bet you own a few pieces of shit yourself, right?

_Confirmation_.

Nerd. I never understood the fascination people had with "art" and old shit. Williams tried to quote poetry to get me to be nice. The hell with that. I'm a man. I shoot things; no wonder her grandpa fucked up so bad in First Contact. Pussy ass poetry fucker.

_Comment from the interviewer_.

To each his own my ass. It's my way. Always. No, fuck this. Therum was a waste of time. Liara was shit. _Maybe _helped with the mind...meld.

I'm never "embracing eternity" again.

"Embrace Eternity!"

What the fuck does that mean? From what I understand, it fucking means "Hey, here's a headache, asshole." That's what Liara made me do, right after popping back onto the goddamn_ Normandy_. Remember, I was pretty damn fucked up from the whole getting kicked by a giant geth and getting shot a bunch of times. Had a couple of burns from the mine, too, but having my skin on fire is no big deal ...as you can see. Well, used too... Sad face, am I right?

_Interviewer comments_.

Yeah, the burns. From Widow, from a thousand fights, from just about everything I've fought.

_Shepard points to his right eye_.

Cerberus took them away from me, though. This little guy, it used to be surrounded by scar tissue. It was half closed...couldn't even wink with it. I was _proud_ of it. Battle scars are a sign of success. It's like saying, "I survived more than you, fucking pussy." Actually, I say that anyway, ha ha.

_A sigh_.

So embracing eternity is bullshit. All the asari out there, just want to let you know that you fucking suck. The mind-meld thing... it gives me chills. I don't understand how that's their...mating thing. Is that how they have little blue babies, Mr. Pulitzer? I have no idea. You tried to explain that earlier. I apologize for cutting you off. Go ahead...

_The interviewer begins to explain asari anatomy_.

How...what...how does that even work? DNA mixing? Isn't that called in-breeding or something? Damnit, fuck asari. Just...weird. Fucking, damnit, now I'm all hot and bothered. Not in a sexual way. It's a phrase, right?

Anyway, Liara mind fucks me. I get the pleasure of reliving the Beacon vision. Orange, black hole, death, weird noises, and then bam, back to the present. It sure felt fantastic. Sarcasm. Again. T'soni, she fucking "translates" it. "Oh my goddesses, they're Protheans and evil somethings and death." First off, no shit they're Protheans. We discussed that. We also knew something or someone was the Reapers. Benezia said it in Tali's tape. Goddamnit, though, Liara could've just asked me the fucking questions without giving me that shit. We discovered _nothing_ from the whole ordeal. And Liara, being the fucking child she was, passed out because of it. We had to take her to Chakwas downstairs to let her rest. I was tired, too, I didn't pass out. "What do we do next, Commander?" They're all asking me shit. I just wanted to go relax. Went to sleep in my cabin.

Speaking of sleep, I'm kind of tired, Pully. I need an upper or something. I _need_ it. They don't let me...amp up in here. You got anything? Please

_Shepard is exasperated_.

Damnit, you're impossible.

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><p><em>AN: Thank you for reading. Once again, reviews and critiques are appreciated. __By the way, read "Delving into Hell" as well. Best OC I've come across. Stnemele is the fabulous author. Thanks!_


	9. Plants and Zombies

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling may stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thank you, and enjoy._

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware. Thank you to stnemele for the help (although it is sometimes painful :P )._

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><p>So I just fucking hugged eternity. Fuck. That. Shit. That's draining. And that goddamned vision... every time I think of that...<p>

_Shepard hesitates_.

Push it down Johnny. Push it down... Yeah, all cheery!

_Encouragement from the interviewer_.

So it was a bit of a down time on the ship. I ordered Joker to head to Feros because apparently there was a lead there. Saren already had a jump on us because we fucking wasted time getting T'soni. You know what'd be revealing into the magical psyche of John Shepard? Go into anyone of my cabins. Well, you can't see the first _Normandy_'s, obviously, but the SR-2. Damn, I'd get so pissed off sometimes. Dents in the walls from throwing shit, papers everywhere because, fuck, I'm not filing goddamned reports. Someone else can do that shit.

I had some dumbass Jenkins-esque kid do it on our first galactic saving quest. Chambers did it for Cerberus, that hot piece of ass Traynor during the Reaper war; a shame she swung the other way. She'd probably be into asari hardcore. I know Chambers was down for anything...and I mean _anything_...Traynor seemed like a sophisticated, toodly doo, version of Chambers.

Da na na na, do it like a lady, am I right?

_Verbal push from the interviewer_.

Okay...fucking asides, right?

So we're on our way to Feros. I'm napping and "wooing" Williams and fucking freaking out in my cabin. Seriously, what a fucking waste of time. That goddamn scientist. A worthless biotic. Why she was with us... What I wouldn't give to take Liara and put her back in that goddamn bubble on Therum.

Damn. So we're going to Feros, some backwater colony world run by those geniuses at ExoGeni. If you ever want to see corporate incompetence, search "Feros" on the Extranet. They dropped the ball so fucking far and Johnny had to come halfway across the Traverse to make a diving grab and save _something_. Not that I saved much. But I got what I needed from that place. I didn't know going in, just that Saren sent geth there.

Joker called me up to the cockpit a few minutes out from when we were supposed to land. Full stealth systems on. The whole planet is covered in Prothean ruins, massive towers jutting through the clouds. I thought it was pretty cool; reminded me of back home...

So Vancouver...shit, I mean Feros...was under attack by some geth. There weren't _that _many, but enough to make things difficult. I knew it was going to be a fight right from the start. The mission, yeah, it definitely had one of those good feelings. I was giddy. Yes, Commander Shepard, the Butcher of Torfan, was giddy for a fight. I mean, I just went through that piss ass mission on Therum a few days before. I had some aggression my wall just couldn't handle. Lets go shoot some geth to relieve it.

We zoom in, stealth active, and park our asses at a dock. I brought Alenko, Garrus, and Wrex with me. Kept the girls on the ship. "Guard duty" a.k.a. "stay here, bitches." As soon as we walked off the _Normandy _there was a colonist waiting for us said we needed to visit Kai Leng...

_Interviewer interjection_.

...okay Fai Dan, at Lou's Hope...

_Another comment_.

...fuck you, Zhu's Hope. Stop interrupting. They're all dead anyway, who fucking cares?

Our one man greeting party, seemed nice enough. Then he took a rocket to the back. Just exploded all over us. I got his spleen in my face, Alenko took an arm and leg, and I'm confident that Wrex jumped into the spray just for shits and laughs. Mr. Vakarian? Yeah, he was fucking spotless.

Incredible. It was a split second for us where "stunned" is the only word that can describe it. Then my tunnel vision took over. Biotic charged into the geth that fired the rocket and killed our good friend Greeting Party. Sent the piece of metal flying down through the clouds beneath the docks. Garrus opened up with his Widow...I think that was the sniper rifle...and took out some flashlights. I pumped myself up again and sunk my shoulder into the chest of another trooper. One shot and took out its memory core. Roll, twist, biotics, shotgun, charge and done. No more geth. We had minor resistance going to the colony, _Zhu's _Hope, asshole, got there pretty easily.

By the way, do you know who "Zhu" was?

_Murmur from the interviewer_.

Wow, Mr. Pulitzer. You don't fucking know? Nice journalism there, dick. Yeah, fuck you, correcting me about my goddamn story. You don't even know basic shit. Research. At least I sort of paid attention to that Codex the Alliance gave me. "The Krogan Rebellions sucked," and "the League of One were assassins." Blah, blah, at least I know more than your fucking stupid ass. Where'd you go to school, the Alliance Academy?

Would it be ironic if you spelled "school" wrong? Yeah, it would. I think it would be ironic if everything was made of iron. Ha!

But that stupid fucking Academy. Churned out geniuses like Major Kyle.

Ha, shot at the Brass right there. Fuck them for turning me into the Citadel after I saved fucking Earth. It's funny in a fucked up way...I killed a couple million Batarians, they don't blink a goddamn eye. I hurt some turians, oh shit, Johnny is a bad guy! Send me to the goddamn aliens for justice! Priorities, right? This trial is bullshit. I saved your asses. Fuck the Alliance, fuck the Council, fuck _any _organized government. I should've gone away. They did attack _my _city, so that was a personal insult. They had to pay...just like the turians paid for First Contact. Bird fuckers.

_The interviewer objects_.

Yeah, yeah, I know you're Alliance to the core, Council to the core. Just don't spout off about how fucking great they are. I'll complain about my goddamn drink again. Although a drink wasn't that big of a request...

_Interviewer pushes Shepard back to Feros_.

Yeah, yeah, we get the colony. See this Sam guy, he says that the geth are up in the ExoGeni tower, looking for that special something we need. We still had no idea. Alenko voiced his particular concern, and was right to. This shady ass colony is telling us where to go, blind with no info? Yeah, it didn't feel right. "I got a bad feeling about this," classic Garrus line. Fit goddamn perfect right then.

And there's colonists walking around everywhere, again, asking for help. Pumps, meat, stuff that they probably could've gotten themselves. Just a fucking shady place, Lou's Hope...

_Interviewer sighs as Shepard snickers_.

But it's not like we have a choice. I can only threaten people so much...and they're just colonists. I'm not gonna torture them. They were human after all. See, Johnny can be nice!

We took a shuttle up to the Exo headquarters, because who the hell is going to drive there, and met up with some coward ass employees hiding from the geth. Easily could've fought the geth a little. Those guys, the scientists, they pised me off. They were the ones that I should have tortured because they knew what we were after. Before we went off the the tower, I actually left Garrus there, just to make sure everything would stay calm. He did a shitty job, but, hey, I didn't train him to be a good leader yet. He wasn't aggressive enough, didn't have the drive, couldn't make the decisions. When the one scientist went nuts with the gun, Garrus tried to talk him down. You shoot them; crazies don't negotiate. Not like anyone would have missed him. I would imagine the leftover Exos croaked after the colony fell apart. No more than they deserved...or would it be no less? Yeah, what the fuck ever.

Alenko, Wrex, and I, the biotic trio continued on up the tower. Absolutely _crawling_ with geth and we tore 'em apart. Once again, a bit boring. No fucking blood! We kept count though, that was fun. Ha ha, "assists" were hilarious. "Hey, that was mine, Shepard!" "Fuck you, Alenko, no idea what you're talking about!"

_Interviewer comments and Shepard grins_.

Yeah, I liked Alenko during a fight. Wrex, too. Me: one, two, three. Shotgun, smash, biotic punch, ripping out the insides. Kaiden: one, two, three...a bit cleaner with some better shots from his pistol. And Wrex? He just threw himself around the battlefield like he was epileptic. Damn fun. Almost relaxing, you know? We didn't feel urgency since we had no idea what was going on, really.

Most stressful part was when that girl snuck up on us. I snapped around, put a bullet square between her eyes. This time intentional, not like the dopey duo back in the warehouse...

_A question and comment_.

Ohhhh, don't you tell me I'm lying. This is the goddamn _truth_. All of it. My goddamn story. Were you there? Fuck you, little shit! You keep goddamn interrupting me, then I forget where I'm at and you're accusing me of lying and... Feros, right. The scientist on Feros...

Shit... I fucking hate you Mr. Pulitzer, I really do. Feros... Feros. Never really found out _why _she shot at me, my shields stopped it, but it really doesn't matter. I'm _not _lying. She, the scientist because you don't goddamn pay attention, had a key card so any locked doors were easy to break open. Snooped around, not really my kind of work, and Kaiden found something about the Thorian. Mind control with spores. Ancient plant...thing. Then, on cue, someone has a fucking problem they can't handle by themselves.

Joker radios us and the fucking creepy colonists, the shady ass weirdos, apparently went crazy. Trying to to break into the _Normandy_. I ordered Williams and hell, Tali, to take them out. Something about "killing innocents" blah, fucking shit I'll do it myself. Like always. Incompetence...shit. That was ridiculous. Now I have to speed down in the shuttle to save everyone? Yeah, they had to wait. I had to grab Mr. Garrus.

I walked into the most pathetic hostage situation in the history of mankind. A weak ass nerd, similar to yourself, Mr. Pulitzer, pretending to hold a gun and get I don't know what. Really, what could he possibly have to gain? He wasn't leaving Feros any time soon, apparently the colonists were crazy, and there were a lot of geth. I walked down the ramp to the scientists who were just freaking out. Poor Garrus, he didn't know human customs that well so he probably thought it was a birthday part. Ha ha, good old Garrus, despite being a turian. A shame it ended how it did...

_Hesitation from Shepard_.

I shot most of the scientists. Didn't add them to my count because that's cheating.

_Shocked comment from the interviewer_.

Hell yeah I killed them! I took a few knocks in that goddamned tower and here these assholes knew this shit the whole time! Fuck them. I don't want that kind of person around. And like I said, they were dead anyway...

Alenko wasn't particularly happy... "Commander! Blah blah blah, bad!" Shrugged it off, shuttled to the colony. I needed that Thorian creature. Because if Saren wanted it, I fucking wanted it. So, the colonists, nuts and now they're shooting at me.

Fuck that. They had zero shields, no armor, no barriers. They were fish in a barrel. A casual stroll through the camp. Alenko didn't partake, that pissed me off. Garrus was hesitant, but I pushed him to do it. I needed my protege in tip-top shape. We shoot up the colony, bam, bam, boom, then we find the Thorian.

_Interviewer murmurs_.

Ha, the scientists had sleeping gas? So I couldn't saved all of those fucks? Ha ha ha, that's fucking _fantastic_. Oh, I bet I pissed off some relatives with that particular relavation... I mean revelation. But damn, that's pretty funny. Maybe couldn't saved the colony, too! Wow, I feel silly, ha.

_Disgusted interviewer is unintelligible_.

Okay, okay, I'll keep going. No more talk of the colonists...it's not my fault you're squeamish. They probably would've died during the war anyway. Or a fucking flu for all I know. Worthless little piss-ants. They shot at me anyway, fuck 'em. You know how close I was to killing Garrus when he shot at me on Omega? I was... oh, boy I was damn close. Had to have Lawson remind me that Archangel was our target. Now that was my kind of station, Omega. I remember when we met Aria. Strippers _everywhere,_ you could buy pussy for dirt cheap on any corn...

_Interviewer snaps_.

Goddamnit, Pully! Fuck Feros. All it was was some fucking geth, some brainwashed colonists and this goddamn plant that kept spitting out gooey asari! Green ones. Fucking gross. We had to fight, what, ten copies to get to the...top? Break it's roots so it would fall. The Thorian. There were husks in the same chamber under the ship too.

Oh yeah, they hid the plant monster _under _the ship that Blue's Hope was based around. Damn clever, actually. Right under our goddamned noses. And the whole crew fell for it. I mean, I was suspicious, but...

While fighting the Thorian, one-two-three were just husks. Moaning at us, just throwing their bodies at us. By the way, the mindless asari were one hundred percent what I thought T'soni would be. Badass biotic, quick, no remorse. I mean they were mindless clones, but they'd still be miles ahead of fucking Liara.

_Murmur from the interviewer_.

It was a challenging fight, you're right. Ha, another compliment for you! Wrex couldn't get it through his thick fucking skull that you take husks down with headshots and not just dismemberment. What do you expect from a krogan, though? Alenko was jumpy and I was Raging...for two reasons. First, _fucking husks_. Second, where the hell did they all come from? I mean, Mu's Hope had, what, thirty people? I killed twenty of them on the surface. Who the fuck were all of these husks, then? Fucking weird, right?

Stomp, husk brains on my boot; charge into a gooey asari, now I'm all slimey. Fuck, I wasn't cleaning that up. Shotgun blast, purple mist from the asari. Tackled by a husk...they have no smell, by the way. Not cold or warm, they're just...there. Taking up space. Trying to kill. Nine, another asari clone, broke its arm, then neck. Wrex was trying to keep up but he couldn't. Twelve, thirteen, headshot and I threw an asari off into the pit underneath the Thorian.

I'm quite tired by then, even if I'm Raging. We'd been running around all day, so reaching the top was satisfying. We find the basis for the clones and she has the Cipher. Yeah, the fight just sort of ended after we knocked down the plant. Anti-climactic? Well my headache was going to get worse. Another fucking nosebleed. And another fucking asari!

_Interviewer asks a question_

The Cipher? Oh, it helped...translate the Beacon? I don't fucking know. Still screwed me up bad. I had to "Embrace Eternity," again, to get the Prothean thing. Like I said, if Saren had it, I needed it. So here we go again. Mindmeld, orange, black hole...

...and then I passed out.

I need to take a piss...can I get a break, Mr. Pulitzer? Guards!

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><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading. Reviews are greatly appreciated. Highly suggest reading stnemele's "Mass Effect: Delving Into Hell" to any readers. I think I have a Caboose reference in there...maybe a few others. If you catch them, let me know!_

_Thank you to Vault08 for last chapter's review!_


	10. The Inefficiencies of Hanshan Customs

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling may stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thank you, and enjoy._

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware._

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><p>Hey! Guards! I'm not trying to go anywhere...just taking a piss okay? Don't fucking come at me like you did last time. Fucking shock-guns hurt when you're not wearing armor. Yeah, back away...unless you want a full view of my dick. You'd probably like that, shithead. Go away.<p>

Isn't it nice, Mr. Pulitzer, having your own room...I mean _cell_. I am the most famous person in the galaxy; at least they're treating me right, ha ha. Even got my own toilet, right in my room. Don't look...

_The interviewer objects as Shepard relieves himself_.

So what's next? Oh yeah, I passed out. Embraced Eternity again and woke up on the ship. The Council wanted to speak to me immediately. I had a goddamn headache so I...

Wooooo, put out the fire! Oh no, it's a flood!

...so I told them to fuck off. We did set course for Noveria, like they asked, though. Well after a few side missions.

_Muffled reply from the interviewer as Shepard sits down_.

Hey! You could've left, ass. Don't blame me for you being cock shy. You probably sit down to pee, too. Oh man, you would have been a miserable soldier. Ha, imagine you, Pully, charging into battle against some Blue Suns or some of the minor Reaper...things. Mr. Pulitzer, the definition of "cannon fodder" everyone!

Okay, okay, enough compliments...

But yeah, side missions. Hackett kept sending me messages about scientists and marine squads and shit. I didn't have any loyalty to them. I wanted fucking Saren. Occasional mission to save some humans, let Alenko lead a few parties. Garrus sometimes. Even let Tali go out and try to prove that she wasn't worthless as a fighter.

She was. Stay in the engine room, am I right?

They did their thing, it was a good stress release for some of the team. It was time for me to sit back and enjoy my stash of...lets clean it up...sandwiches. I loved snorting some sandwiches, smoking some sandwiches...

_Surprised question_.

Yeah, why not? It was a way to blow some time. Ha, blow. I mean, I was a goddamn Spectre, I hadn't had this kind of freedom since the Reds. I did what I want, no one was watching. It wasn't experimentation, I had it under control. Just a good feeling. You'd know if you ever tried. The coca...sandwiches didn't affect me during missions, anyway. It made shit better when I wasn't on one...

The shakes weren't as bad; the flashbacks faded. Hell, sometimes it made the nightmares go awa...

Cut that shit! Cut it, I didn't say it. Fuck you, don't include that. Don't you even _think _about including that. Delete, delete, delete!

_Shepard is flustered._

Yeah...yeah, um, Williams and I just fucked during most of those missions. Because I'm John Mother Fucking Shepard, hero of the Citadel and the galaxy. It was awesome sex, she'd tell you! I had the experience and she was surprisingly flexible. Yeah... Rocked her mother fucking world. I'm not bull shitting here, either. It was amazing... _I _was amazing. Ask anyone.

Why did she give it up so easy? Because I needed it and she was in love. Well I forced it on her a few times, like back with the Reds...

_Interviewer asks a question_.

I told you to delete that. I never said... Fuck you. Side missions, all the time we... They did some... My squad I mean...

Fuck.

Noveria. We had to go there. Liara's mom was there...well one of them. Yeah, her mom. Ha, I don't know why the doctor was ashamed of her mother. I would've killed for one like her... It sucks growing up without one. Put me where I am today...

_Shepard, clearly disturbed pauses for a long time_.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Restart. Lets just go back. Noveria, yeah. Umm, shit... Fuck, now you got me breathing all heavy. Shakes coming back, too. Just give me a minute, okay?

_The interviewer murmurs_.

I said give me a goddamn minute! Fuck! Just shut the fuck up!

"_The shakes" continue as Shepard attempts to calm down_.

Gaahhh...fuck. Noveria. Restarting this shit. We had to go to Noveria because the Matriarch, I think her name was Benezia; she was there.

Fuck.

Yeah, Noveria, Port Hanshan. Cold place, corporate place, _not_ my kind of environment. Terrible security. Did you know that active geth were smuggled into the port? Right under security's noses... And they wanted to take my weapons? What the fuck, were they trying to get me killed... Well, there were some crooked cops, too, they didn't like me.

The _worst_ kind of people. They're cowards and police at the same time.

_Shepard nervously laughs_.

Heh, we confronted a couple of them...said, "You know what we do to cop killers on our world?" Wrex came back with "You know what we do to dirty ones on mine?" Pretty badass. Funny the lady cop said something about killing police...she had no idea that I got so many back with the Reds.

_Comment from the interviewer_.

No. It doesn't always go back to the Reds. Fuck you, no way...shouldn't have told that story. But...

Yeah, I was fucking amazing on Noveria. I had Wrex and Alenko with me, biotically fucking shit up. A lot of squishing and smashing shit off the walls. Knocked down a few, got to see the horror in the eyes as my boot ended the shit. Good kind of chills. Our little spat with security ended with me covered in a neat mix of blood. My boot was dripping with the brains of a turian...and I fucking _loved _it. Part #17 of Johnny Shepard's Personality Profile: the only thing I will ever love is a dead turian. Suppose it's why I wanted Saren dead. Payback for First Contact. Humanity deserves better, we _are_ the better species.

When Garrus wasn't around, I got to do some fucked up things to turians. Snapped the head fringe, pull off some of the mandibles...and take off that armor? A bunch of plates that can be peeled off if you do it right. Turian screams are the fucking shit. Oh, right, I left some alive occasionally...after I ripped off their head fringes. I think that's a sign of sexual prominance...ha, those fuckers probably never got it again.

Interesting thing about me, Mr. Pulitzer: I've never seen a turian female! What do they look like, I'm curious...

_Interviewer explanation_.

So pretty much males without the head things? Ha, so I pretty much made the ones I...disfigured...look like chicks? Ha ha ha, that's fucking brilliant! Mess with John Fucking Shepard and you'll get neutered. Well without the whole penis part, but you get the picture. You sick fuck.

_Shepard has recovered and smirks. Interviewer questions_.

So Noveria, through, once again a bunch of hoops, we had to get to some Research station according to whoever, I don't fucking care who they're probably dead... Another goddamned business experiment gone wrong, probably. Like Feros. Hell, like any fucking thing Cerberus ever tried.

Binary Helix and Peak Motherfucking 15. And the goddamn geth. Again. And again. I knew this was probably going to be a bitch of a fight because it always fucking was, so I brought everyone except Tali along. The whole goddamn crew, even fucking Wrex, kept saying, "Bring Liara, it's her mother, blah, blah, fucking blah." Remember how the fucking asari trapped herself in a bubble? Why in the fucking name of anyone's gods would you bring her? Who fucking cares if it's her mom? People lose theirs all the time; you don't need to be by their side or shit. Benezia was a bad...it? Fucking sided with Saren, happened to be an alien, and that's all I needed for motivation to kill her. I went into Peak 15 with no intention of saving the bitch. No one else knew that, but come on, it's my fucking style!

Greeting party! Geth! Standard geth take downs. Well there were five of us...four and a third of us...so it was damn quick work. Tech powers, brute force, biotics...I pretty much just strolled through the place. Came across some hold-outs asking for help. Fuck you, do it yourself. Everyone in the fucking galaxy needs my help for _everything_.

_Interviewer comments_.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I bitched about this before, but it was so annoying. I don't have loyalty to you, or even my employers. All about Johnny getting fucking Saren. So I had to find this asari bitch. And she locked herself in some labs doing something with the Rachni.

_Surprised question_.

Ohhh, you didn't know about the Rachni? Shit...I guess not many people do. Most of the guys that knew about them are dead; why would you know? Well, they're pretty much just big bugs.

They got a bunch of legs, hard outer-shells but some damn squishy insides. They were pretty damn fun to stomp on. I'd do a biotic lift off the floor, throw those bastards into the air. Just a casual stroll like a badass in a vid and just a single shot to the fucker. Splat! It looked like I took a fucking shower in some green goo. Drippity-drip-drip... I left a goddamn trail through that whole station. Williams took it surprisingly well. I figured, her being a girl and all, that bugs would scare her. Hell, she seemed to almost enjoy it as much as I did! Made me re-think the whole "You're a shitty ass soldier" thing... Apparently she was worth something.

So the Rachni, I'm still not so sure what their whole fucking deal was. They weren't _that_ hard to kill. Was there coordination or something? There were five of us...just casually wandering through shooting them. Sure they had acid breath or something, but they weren't too fucking bad. I don't know, I guess I'm just that fucking good.

_Murmur_.

Yeah, we found some geth, too. Caused some issues in close quarters because we had to protect fucking Liara the whole goddamn time. Mr. Vakarian couldn't use his sniper rifle, so he was shitty as well. Turned on some machines, killed the Rachni, fucking guards we met before turned on us.

Those Nover...ians? Noverites? Lets go with Noverians, they fucking love betraying each other. Goddamn, I'm pretty sure I killed more fucking blood and guts people that I did geth. Just...fucking working for the bad guys.

_Comment from the interviewer_.

I am not a bad guy. I fight for good and justice and... Ha, I can't say that with a straight face. I fight for myself, it just happens that Saren, the Collectors, and the fucking Reapers were all pretty much a direct insult to me. Fuck 'em. You mess with me, you're goddamn dead. Don't mess with me, Pully.

So all these guys on Peak 18...I mean 15...were shooting us and whatever. I had the privilege of killing the assholes. Then, Liara whining the whole goddamn time, says it's time to confront her mother. It was about that time anyway, so, why the fuck not? Now, Benezia, she was a fucking fighter. Liara could've learned something from her.

_Question from the interviewer_.

Yeah, she was _powerful_. Benezia, she incapacitated Williams and Alenko right from the start. And then she brought in an Asari Commando Team. They were fucking hard to fight, too. There was a lot of running, ordering covering fire, I charged at a few. Stasis was my best friend that day. I'd put them in freeze mode and pump a shotgun round into their chest... I don't care who you are, what you are, you're not coming back from that. Blue shit everywhere. Not actual shit, I mean blood you fucking idiot.

_Sigh from the interviewer_.

Don't you sigh at me. It was for clarification because you don't come off as a genius sometimes, Mr. Pulitzer.

So this Commando Team has me and my team running around dispatching them. I got to see the look in their eyes every time they knew it was over. Asari have it particularly worse because they're losing, what, 400 years? Took most of them down, I was knocked up pretty hard. And the goddamn Matriarch is sitting up on her stage monologuing the whole time! "Take this!" "Blah, blah!" "Fuck you, asshole!"

It was fucking annoying. So I went at her. Head on. I was too fast.

_Shepard smirks_.

Got her in the arm, broke her concentration; Williams and Alenko got free. They went off and took out some geth that joined the fray. Alenko was throwing things around, Williams taking them out while Kaiden's buddies were floating. Soooo many assists for Kaiden that day and he was definitely unhappy. Ash, she was having fun, too!

Well I'm at the top of the stairs, starting my...dismantling of Benezia. Arm, leg, other arm, other leg. Didn't take them off, just took her out of business. Because fucking goddamn asshole Liara is crying. If my mother did that shit, she'd be fucking dead so fast. That fucking bitch...

So I was shooting her for all the shit she did and put me through by not being there when I needed her. I went to finish her off, but Garrus stopped me. Because we needed information and Liara is a piece of shit. Benezia knew shit, I don't know. The Mu Relay? Pfft, I don't remember. Something about a Rachni queen. Well there was a giant fucking bug in the middle of the room, but that'll be covered in ten seconds.

_Interviewer asks a question_.

Yeah, Liara was damn upset. And that was why she never came on another mission. Just cried and cried and fucking mother fucking asshole cried. Her mother fucking abondoned her! If it was mine...no fucking way I'd be having a last words with her. Didn't hear a word either of the pair said...I was more focused on the bug. See, I told you I'd talk about it. It was pretty much just a giant Rachni in a cage. I didn't want those things around. I think most of us didn't. Pully, you certainly wouldn't. The thing started mind controlling a dead asari, right? Talking about singing, singing, singing...

Then I burned it's fucking ass. A billion trillion degrees of fire... or something. Incinerated the shit out of the bug!

Some may call it goddamn genocide. I call it pest control. Ha, you see what I did there? Bugs are pests and I controlled their breeding! Fucking clever, am I right?

_Unintelligible comment_.

Fuck you! I am goddamn clever. I fucking outsmarted the best in the galaxy, the goddamn Reapers. You can't say shit about me. Fuck, I really do hate you, Pully. You know what's messed up though? Longest conversation I've had in years. With a fucking suit trying to win a goddamn medal...

So that was Noveria. I burned up the Rachni, killed Benezia, got some information about whatever the fuck we were trying to find.

Eh, that's it. Went back to the _Normandy_, got cleaned up and then another goddamn message from the Council. "You gotta go to Virmire because we suck!" Those guys were just the worst...

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><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading. Reviews are greatly appreciated. They certainly give me (and Johnny) a chance to grow a bit during this tale. Also, How I Met Your Mother Reference...it's pretty blatant. This will likely be the last Friday update for a while...weddings, increased workload, and falling behind on chapters. I will continue updates on every Tuesday, though!_

_Thanks and have a great weekend!_


	11. Choices

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. The re-telling may stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thank you, and enjoy._

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware. Once again, many, many thanks to stnemele for all the help!_

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><p>Goddamn Council. Wanted me to be loyal to them. Fuck, I never would've been, but they knew shit about Saren. Had some message from a Salarian Special Tasks Group that something shady was happening on a planet called Virmire. Information on Saren, too. Infamous, infamous Virmire. Sticks with me and everyone else that was there pretty well. A couple of us never made it back...<p>

_Interviewer urges Shepard to continue with a question_.

Yeah, yeah, it was rough. I got beat that day. I really did...and I don't admit that often. Saren was _right _there and he slipped out of my fingers. Yet another reason to hate the bastard: no one beats me and gets away with it. At least we got some information out of the whole experience. Reapers...

First time I got to talk to one. Well, "talk" is a loose word here. I'm not quite sure how a giant ship can communicate with someone one on one like that. Mind control? They're pretty damn good at that with the whole Indoctrination shit. Indoctrination...it's like a pressure on your head, buzzing. I've been to countless facilities where someone or something was Indoctrinated. They're usually pretty fucked up... Definitely a fate I _would_ wish on my worst enemies. Ha, I guess Saren was indoctrinated...but that was his own damn fault. We came across some salarians that were all mind-fucked. Almost like a varren, feral. Had to put 'em down and it was relief I saw in their eyes when they got a blast to the chest. Strange, to welcome death like that. No one is putting me down... I'll fucking go on my own terms.

But yeah, Virmire. How it started… The Council had an STG team going after a lead on Saren, like I said. Or something, I never understood what the fuck those idiots were trying to pull. They lost contact with the team and said I should investigate being the best of the fucking best and all. I heard "Saren" and fucking went right away. Right after Noveria, hardly any rest. Got a quick sleep in and then we were there. Pretty nice looking planet…tropical, lots of ocean. It's what I imagine Earth was in the past, before the Alliance.

Joker, that fucking asshole, my god I hate him, says we can't land near this giant fucking base because of some AA guns. He's the best pilot in the galaxy, right? Just avoid them! So once fucking again, we gotta drive with the Mako. I took the whole team, except Liara because she was boo-hooing about her fucking mother. I lost mine and went right to the streets. Grew a pair and learned to live. What a fucking pussy…I suppose that's what you get for bringing a worthless bitch scientist along.

_Question from the interviewer_.

Yeah, there were five of us. I brought the quarian because she'd gotten a little better over the course of our fucking adventure and, we were probably fighting geth, so she knew _some_ stuff. Wrex was there, Kaidan and Garrus. Why do you ask?

_Murmured comment_.

We couldn't fit? Ha ha, why does everyone think that the Mako can't fit people? It's a goddamn troop transport! Supposed to fit ten guys, plus the driver and the gunner! Yeah, sure, the krogan and turian were big, but we had no problem fitting… Fucking idiot, why would you think that? I mean, the Alliance has some dumb fucking equipment, but their troop transport wouldn't be _that_ small.

Sometimes you make me wonder, Mr. Pulitzer… How you became "smart" is beyond me.

_Rebuttal from the interviewer_.

Ha! There you go, asshole. Fight back! I know I'm not a genius, but nice try. Not many people stand up to Johnny Shepard; I'm impressed. I'd still kick your ass into the fucking atmosphere, but good job… good job. Only took you a fucking day.

Virmire, we're driving along in the Mako, have to take out these AA guns. Kept running into fucking geth Armatures, the big ones that fucked me up on Therum. Used the fucking tank this time…quick work and a big explosion. My kind of kill, if you're talking about big fucking robots. Oh, how I would love to blow up some Yahg with that cannon.

On the way, bad guys had some minor geth, too, at the individual stations, but there were five of us, so it was damn quick work. Walk up a ramp, take out any guys in my way. Burned myself, again, with the pieces of geth because I was too close. Garrus took a few out from his cover by the Mako...he was almost leaning against it. Half assed the kills and _still _made easy headshots. I still hate that he was a goddamn turian, though.

But Wrex and I, a shit ton of biotics throwing the assholes around, flashlights flying everywhere. Tali seemed to be enjoying herself, too. Pent up aggression, anyone? I suppose if my species was almost fucking destroyed by robots I'd be pissed off, too.

Which is why I'm still fucking pissed at the turians for First Contact. And why the hell krogan don't just fucking kill every turian they see is just… I don't know, baffling. We had a mini-war...they had a goddamn sterilization! Can you imagine one out of every thousand humans surviving birth? How quick we would go extinct? How they... fuck. If you're gonna destroy a fucking species, do it fast and just fucking slaughter them. Don't make them watch their kids die...fucking turians.

_Interviewer comments_.

Yeah, salarians engineered it, sure. Turians deployed it, though. Virmire...get back there because you wanted to talk about it so damn much.

We made quick work of the guns. Taken out fast, cleared the way for fucking Joker and the _Normandy_. We found the STG force in a small clearing, they had fucking two tents. Fifteen or so guys…sad, sight. Their commander, must have fucking sucked…

_Interviewer interjects_.

Yeah…Kirrahe. How the fuck did I forget that? I actually kind of liked the guy…he sucked because he did lose almost all of his men, but it was Torfan style. You know… I actually like salarians. Zippy little guys, but full of spunk. Yeah, I said spunk. Fuck you dickhead.

The next part… Wrex… Goddamn Wrex.

He was pissed off about us killing krogan. See, Saren had this cloning facility where he was "breeding an army." Obviously, I didn't want that, the Council didn't want that, no one wanted that. Except goddamn Wrex. He thought that this would cure the genophage, allow fertilization. Fucking dinosaur didn't understand cloning isn't…birthing? Wait…do krogan lay eggs?

_The interviewer is unintelligible_.

Damn, once again you don't fucking know! Shit, why did I choose you? I could've gotten that one guy, the reporter from Garvug who covered that corporate war. That lady, she had fucking balls. Sexy, too, if you took her out of that pant suit. Damn, what I wouldn't give to just jam my dick into her pussy. Nice and hard, she'd probably lik…

_Interviewer objects_.

Ha, you caught me again. Keep me on track, this shit is important. I'm about to kill one of my team, asshole. Oops…let that one slip, eh?

Yeah, I fucking killed Wrex. He was flipping shit about the genophage…firing randomly into the water practically yelling to the bad guys, "Hey fuckers, over here!" I tried to talk him down, I really did. Williams had my back, though, she did good on Virmire…

Wrex… damnit. Ugh… one of my hardest kills; not as hard as killing Willow back on Earth, but he was part of my team. Helped me pretty damn good, awesome fighter. Like I said before, the dinosaur version of Johnny. He growled at me, "What are you doing, Shepard?"

He didn't stop his bitching, wouldn't calm down. Raised my pistol... got him right between the eyes. At least I made it quick, right? That was the right thing to do. He was a danger. Unstable. Was going to blow my cover. I made the right decision. I did, don't question me, Pully. Everyone else agreed, too. Ash especially…

_Shepard pauses for a long time, hesitating. Interviewer encourages him to continue_.

So we had a plan of attack…I'm tired, Pully, you know what fucking happens. You already know how it ends.

_Interviewer presses._

Like hell I need to tell you. Fuck you. You want it? Fine... We went in, blew up some krogan, talked to the fucking Reaper, fought Saren, and he fucking ran. What fucking more do you want, asshole?

_Continued pressure_.

Fuck you, Pulitzer. Now you're fighting back. Pissing me off, dickhead. Fine, you want the goddamn details? I'll give you the details...

Split into two teams, one backdoor, one front. Kirrahe wanted his guys to the front door…I wanted to storm the gates, but I suppose one Torfan is enough. I took Garrus, Wrex…wait, he wasn't there… Dead in the water, floating like a fucking dead shark. Attracting some of the fish, already nipping at his body. The salt water, it probably made him smell within the hour. I don't know anything about decomposition, but, yeah.

I took Williams and Tali with me. Let Liara stay on the fucking ship for "support" and Garrus and Alenko went with the salarians. It was a good team, I suppose. Garrus could lead, I was grooming the fucker, and Tali proved her worth. Well enough that she could come with me; I didn't trust her on her own. Geth support? But, shit…we got to fight some krogan for real though.

Two groups, radio contact. I got to hear everything they went through, they got to hear me. A couple times I had the chance to distract some geth from them; I did.

_Surprise from the interviewer_.

What, I'm not allowed to save people? First off, I wanted the fucking kills. I was keeping track, remember? Seventy-five that day. Will always remember that. I took pressure off of team two because why the hell not? I said I liked Kirrahe and his buds and Garrus was going to need help. He was a…friend? I don't fucking care, but we were flying through. Biotics, Tali would overload the geth fuckers while Williams picked 'em off. She really was a good shot. Took me until Virmire to notice that she wasn't just boobs and a pussy. We did a good job. I heard my other two guys, Kaiden and Garrus, they were doing well, too. I had built myself a good fucking team, right? If I could just go back… Fuck. Geth, right. Got my favorite krogan kill ever that day. And he wasn't a clone. A Battlemaster, the best of the best. He got to appreciate every single part of death.

_Shepard smirks_.

So this Krogan asshole is in our way. He has shitty geth with him, Williams and Tali took them out. The cloned krogan, I went into a Rage. Red vision, glowing blue...go! Left, shot, right, a slam. Squeezed the insides out of one. Took out the, ha, grunts. I wanted Mr. Battlemaster to myself. A snarl, it actually made the Krogan back off. Charge! Broke my hand by punching him in the head crest thing. Bad idea. Nose bleed. Sweat. The smell of tank krogan. Ignored the broken hand and switched to regular old weapons. Shotgun to his chest: Down goes his shields. Ripped his armor off with an awesome biotic pull. Peeled some skin off, took out one eye. The guy's reeling now. Fear in his eyes; well, eye at that point. He knew he was fucked. I grinned the whole time. You don't get to see krogan fear that often…well I do, but other people don't. I killed enough krogan that day for my own genophage.

Armor-less krogan...they have soft bellies like a toad. Four lungs and a couple hearts, right? The Battlemaster's were on the floor after I sliced him open with my omni-blade. Stepped on 'em each, crushed them with little pops. Apparently when your organs are laying at your feet they still hurt. He screamed with each step. Have you ever heard a krogan scream? I'm not talking about a battle cry, I'm talking about a scream. Pain. It's pretty damn chilling, the good kind of goosebumps. Like a head stomp. So he's finished; ha, "Battlemaster." I'm the goddamn Battlemaster. Johnny Shepard, the Butcher, the Battlemaster, the fucking best there's ever been. I did try to stomp his head in...didn't work, so I let the asshole bleed out. Whined his way to his death as we left the room we were in. Some kind of lab, I don't fucking care. You ever see krogan blood? It's weird; the juice thicker than other species, probably because they're sterile or some shit. Tastes different, too. It's more sour than human and turian blood. Fuck 'em.

I'm rolling. Barely heard our diversion team, I guess they're doing their job out front. Alenko and Garrus were doing awesome as squad leads according to the recordings. Saw a future there. Same with Williams, even Tali. It was a turning point for all of my squad. All good fighters, all could be leaders with the right push. Williams and Alenko were pretty much going to be promoted anyway. They got to fight with Johnny Shepard! Well you know one of them didn't make it…

_Interviewer asks a question_.

I'm getting there, Pully. Goddamnit, you're really rubbing me the wrong way. My team, we're flying through this cloning station, and it was clear that it needed to go boom. Just too many rogue scientists, Indoctrinated aliens, fucking krogan clones. Got a good many of them. Tearing faces off, beating some to death with their own arms. Saren. I imagined each one was him. Saren really was gonna have an army with this place. And I knew he was fucking there. Somewhere. His goddamn giant fucking ship was there. So close… So close…

And then I met the Reaper. Sovereign. The giant ships from Dark Space...I was laughing my ass off. I was ninety percent sure that it was a VI that Saren made up. To throw us off. Outside of the Protheans mentioning them, why the fuck would I believe it? A talking ship? Are you fucking kidding me? Talking about exterminating me and all that shit. Direct insult to me; to be honest… if Sovereign wouldn't have been such a dick to me, I probably would have gone and lived a life as a merc in the Terminus. Once I got Saren, I had no reason to stay around.

_Interviewer is surprised_.

Yeah, I said before, the Alliance was a means to an end. I wanted goddamn Saren because it was a personal fucking insult. Then this goddamn Reaper, which I thought was a VI, fucking insulted me, too. Personal insult. Don't fuck with me or I'll go after you. That fucking ship…Reaper, whatever. Goddamn, they made a mistake by saying I was worthless. John Shepard is _not _worthless.

Fucking Reaper.

_Question_.

Yeah, it was time to go after that. I knew Saren was still there. Still in reach. Still fucking killable. Reaper, blah blah, I wanted goddamn Saren. And to blow up the goddamn krogan, that would be fun, too. _Normandy _was going to drop off a nuke; illegal, right? But we fucking had one! Fuck you international...interspecies treaties, you don't fuck with nuclear fucking weapons. Especially since the Middle East got glassed on Earth. And Tuchanka, what a fucking wasteland.

_Shepard is breathing heavily as the interviewer encourages him to continue_.

The plan changed. Blow up the place. Improvised a nuke and the place would go "boom." My team, we were split in two like I said. Joker dropped off the bomb where Tali, Williams, and I were. Williams set the bomb, ten minute counter, plenty of time. She wanted to guard it and had some help from some of our regular old marines.

So Tali and I, we went to go pick up the salarians and team two. The _Normandy_ was gonna meet us. Then, Saren. Floating around on some platform.

_Interviewer asks a question_.

Yeah, it was the first time I saw him face to face. Ugly motherfucker. Modified beyond recognition...geth parts, glowing shit. Like there wasn't much turian left. Started spouting some nonsense about me being weak. Bullshit. I don't need mods to fuck that guy up. Asshole did catch Tali in the back with a stun thing, so she was out cold. Lucky she didn't break her suit...would have missed the girl.

So its a one on one fight. He comes at me, straight on starts firing some overload shit. Busts my shot gun right away. I don't need it. Ducked my head, a biotic charge. Disarmed him, too. So it's a fist fight. Grabbed his throat, slammed him to the ground. Traded blows, fucking got me in the kidneys, slammed against the wall. Broke some armor off my back...then I broke his fucking geth arm. Some blood and oil mix came out. It was wild. His arm surprised him...Mr. Invincible, my ass. Grabbed him by the throat, I was going to break his fucking neck...

A goddamn geth caught me from behind and I lost my grip...Saren fucking ran as some geth closed around me. Took 'em out easy, but he was halfway to his fucking ship by then. So fucking close. Pully, I was so close.

_Shepard sighs_.

Fuck...I guess next I picked up Tali and threw her over my shoulder. I got to the salarians just as Garrus took out the last geth trooper. _Normandy_ buzzed in, picked us up. We went back to the marines and Ashley...

They were pinned bad and most of marines were dead. Right on top of the bomb, holding their ground. Impressive. I was proud, called them to the ship. We laid some covering fire, got the leftover marines on the ship. Ash, she fucking stayed a second too long and fell behind...

Then she got hit. And I don't mean "took a bullet to the arm" hit, I mean "her fucking leg got blown off below the knee" hit. Fucking Prime got her. And everything paused...

_Shepard hesitates_.

It was one of those moments where you look into someone's eyes. Theirs say "help" and yours say "no." The marines were dead. She was crippled, no use anymore. It was too much of a risk...

I could've reached her, too, you know. We had a minute. Joker could make the pickup. But I left her...she...yeah.

I left her. Not worth it...right? We zipped off as she faded with her arm out. "Shepard..."

_Question from the interviewer. Shepard is visibly upset_.

The bomb went off and...fuck this.

I'm done for the day, Pully. Get the fuck out of here. I'm in no mood for questions. Get. The. Fuck. Out. I will go off again. _Leave_. Come back another day...don't piss me off now.

_The interviewer leaves, fearful of another snap_.

I left her...

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><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading. Reviews are greatly appreciated. They certainly help me out._

_So I'll be on a brief break. Will post again in two weeks...skipping Friday's update this week and I'll use next week to catch up. Natural break anyway. Till next time!_


	12. Going Rogue

_Surprise! I've decided to post today, after all._

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling may stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thank you, and enjoy._

_Thanks to KhakiSuperBunny and Aotrs Commander for the reviews._

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware. Thank you to my wonderful editor! You know who you are!_

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><p><em>The following is the second day of interviewing former Commander John Shepard; he had previously demanded a break for the evening after a breakdown following re-telling of his mission to Virmire. Shepard was upset by the death of Ashley Williams, a decidedly out of character reaction to loss. Our Pulitzer Prize winner ended the session with the intent of resuming the interviewer the next day. Once again, Shepard began to tell his Mass Effect<em>.

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><p>Hey! Mr. Pulitzer! How'd you sleep?<p>

_The interviewer begins to speak_.

Fuck you, I don't care. Ha, look at this guy over here. The turian guard. Oh, he wants to beat me so bad...just look at him! Yeah, you. But you can't fucking touch me...don't want your star to be all fucked up for his trial!

You couldn't do it anyway, I'd break your neck. Fucking turian. I dare you to come at me. I may not have my armor or a gun, but I can still fuck your ass up one handed. I've killed hundreds stronger than you. Look at your face markings, from a dead family, probably...

_Interviewer stops Shepard_.

Yeah, fucking right. Dead planet my ass, we all have dead fucking planets. And colonies; just because the homeworld is fucked doesn't mean you don't have a good old colony leftover. Anyway, you want to get back to the story? I fucking do. This is the part where I go "rogue." Funny, a rogue Spectre going after a rogue Spectre...never really thought of it that way. Council was probably freaking out about it. Their two best soldiers fighting and just fucking ignoring their orders.

_Question_.

Ah, yeah, I guess I should probably tell you how we got all rogue and shit. Well we had our losses on Virmire, set off the nuke...

_Another question from the interviewer_.

We're done with Virmire. Williams and Wrex? Don't talk about that shit. Just fucking don't. Fuck you, I'm not talking about that shit. Want me to end this again? I'll fucking go... I'll just blow up on you.

That is in no way sexual you sick fuck.

Yeah, we set off a nuke on Virmire...a shame because it was such a nice place. But fucking nukes, we all know they're illegal in soooo many ways. And this "Reaper" shit, which I still didn't believe at the time. T'soni, Prothean "expert," sure as hell did, so why not fucking listen to her?

Sarcasm, asshole.

Time to report to the Council! I had pretty much ignored them, so why the hell not? The whole goddamn galaxy could guess how that turned out...

_A guess_.

Gasp! You got it right, Mr. Pulitzer! Yup! Asshole Council didn't believe us. We rushed to the Citadel so we could get a fleet to go after Mr. Saren and the geth. That'd be a good vid series...

Theme song, write it down: "Mr. Saren and the geth! They're gonna get you and then you're... death?" I don't know, its a fucking work in progress. My next career? I'm looking for someone to sign me. Talent agencies... I'm waiting. Exclusive rights to my Mass Effect, too. Hell, to mix it up, make the lead a chick. A "femshep." Lets see...shoulder length red hair, nice and bright green eyes. Not gussied up or nothing, sexy and strong body...yeah, I'd fuck that. Ideal woman right there...

_Comment from the interviewer_.

No...not like Widow. You're fucking crazy... No.

_Shepard hesitates_.

No... Fuck that. Who cares... I just... Fuck you, Pully. Keep getting me off balance. Back to the Citadel. Ha, you're always getting me on these tangents. You're gonna catch me and make me look like a wuss. Not gonna happen, bud. Yesterday was the furthest down you'll see me. I'm excited to get to my Saren showdown.

So they grounded me, the Council. For the nuke, because they were afraid of my "tactics." I _had _blown up just about everything up till then... May have had a point, ha. But the fucking aliens... I knew exactly where Saren was going, the Mu Relay, we found out from our fun little missions. Lost for centuries! But we fucking found it and so did Saren. We knew he was there... So close, just so fucking close.

Grounded me, ridiculous, am I right? And on the goddamn Citadel at that. Nothing to do.

The damn Citadel...my least favorite place in the whole fucking galaxy. Well, the most _boring _place outside of the whole "most important piece of technology ever" shit. Goddamn Council...I literally had Saren in my fingers. Was gonna kill him, he got away. Right in my fingers. Dead to rights. And I fucking lost him. We knew everything we needed and the fucking politicians didn't let me go. I wasn't happy, Garrus wasn't, hell, even Anderson wasn't.

So we dicked around for a bit, let shit settle down. The crew, they were on edge from losing Williams and Wrex in the same day. Kaidan knew I could've saved both, but he wasn't man enough to confront me. Garrus, he learned well, understood the necessity. Taught him that when he gunned down Dr. Heart. Damn good Archangel later on...

We hit Flux, one of the clubs for drinks. I've never been a "to person!" toast type guy so I just drank. Let the others remember. I found myself a slut, took her to some room and fucked her. Just a regular piece of meat, nothing special about her...

_Interviewer begins to object_.

Nah, don't worry. That's pretty much all. It was down time. I was depressed because I couldn't get Saren. The crew was depressed because of Williams...and Anderson, he had an idea.

He wanted us to steal the _Normandy_. Steal the lock codes or some shit. Treasonable offense, I might add. Bet you didn't know that. Captain Admiral Amazing High and Mighty Anderson was pushing me to do something bad! I fucking _loved_ it. He started spouting about the Reapers then, but I just wanted Saren.

So the _Normandy_ is fucked, locked in, can't go anywhere. I was damn restless, and the leftover crew were pushing for some damn revenge against Saren. It was incredible how much Garrus had changed in the few weeks we were gone...a lot more critical of C-Sec. He was pissed that he spent so much goddamn time there. If I were him, I probably would have gone nuts on the place and just opened up on some prisoners. That's just how I roll though.

Fuck the Council. That was the motto for the _Normandy_, and Alliance that day. Anderson snuck into the docking stations and unlocked our fucking ship. Onwards and upwards, bitches! To the Mu Relay, Ilos and that mother fucker Saren.

_Interviewer question_.

Oh, the Mu Relay? Shit, I told you before, right? It was the ancient lost blah blah transport to the magical world of Ilos where the Protheans were. And the Conduit, whatever the fuck that was. Mini-mass relay, actually. Connected to that one in the heart of the Citadel.

_Shepard pauses_.

Mr. Pulitzer, you know what I just realized? It would have been _better_ for me to _not _to go off all rogue on them. We just ended up there again. That's where Saren was trying to get, where he wanted to be. That whole Ilos chase...damn. That was fucking stupid, wasn't it? Hindsight is forty-twenty, am I right? Wow... I guess we learned... I don't fucking know. Maybe some backstory for the whole Reaper thing. But we learned that from the squid ship...

Going rogue was a dumb fucking idea. Goddamnit, Anderson.

Shit, now this whole next part seems pointless. Our final run on Ilos. We were running from the Citadel fleet and chasing Saren. Well, we had the fastest ship in the galaxy so it was more like catching Saren. Joker couldn't fly the ship any faster than he already was, so it was a "sit back and wait" type of moment. Where you feel like something big is coming... Where the tunnel vision starts to creep in... Where you know that there's only two ways out: dead or alive. We all coped different ways: Kaidan chatted with Joker, the crew. Turns out he'd be practicing with Liara to improve her biotics. Good for him, right?

I know Tali and Garrus were, let's go with "comforting" each other. To each his own, just don't make some fucking creepy hybrid, am I right? While they were fucking in the Mako, I was using Hallex in my cabin, to relax.

_Interviewer questions Shepard_.

Yeah, I use Hallex to relax. Keeps me sharp later, so the dead or alive situation turns out how I want...

I don't come out dead. Well, outside of that one time, but that was Joker's goddamn fault. Fuck that guy... He made a pretty fantastic drop on Ilos, though. The team, now just Garrus, Alenko, and Tali, piled into the Mako. I took the wheel since Ash... yeah. Alenko was on the gun.

And the chase started. Landed right on top of the mother fucker. Saren, missed him by a few meters, yards, what the fuck ever. Smashed a couple of his Primes in the process, but, like I said, those geth don't feel remorse, intimidation, fear, nothing. Saren locked a door on us, like the fucking pussy he was, rather than fight me head on. Had to go through some absurd hack maneuver to get the fucking door open. Tunnel vision: biotics, nose bleed, biotics, shotgun. I was pushing hard, we were so close to him! Pushing, pushing, trying to go so fast. He was _just_ out of reach. And the fucking elevators to get to the fucking locks...worse than the Citadel's!

_Comment by the interviewer_.

Yeah, I suppose they were in good shape for being fifty thousand years old. Come to think of it, most Prothean tech was. And it was all compatible with our omni-tools. Crazy how much of our tech comes from old Reaper shit. They really did shape the galaxy how they wanted...

_Unintelligible_.

Hell no, I don't respect or admire that. What, are you fucking insane? Pully, get it through your head. Direct insult to Johnny equals you will fucking _die_. And die Sovereign fucking did. After our chase, of course. A goddamn race to the finish line.

Tali manages to hack a couple get along our way so our road ahead was a bit more clear. Useful kid there, too. If only she wasn't in that suit, am I right? She was turning out alright. Quarians still suck, though. Whatever is left of them.

_Interviewer comments_.

Goddamnit, Pully! I don't care if I contradict myself, it's a fucking story. Mine. Opinions change. What I said yesterday was _yesterday_. Tali did okay on our first trip. I managed to trust her, which is mind boggling. Maybe my fucking opinion changed since then. God damn, I fucking hate you so much... Shit, shit, shit! Get me a fucking dr... Fuck, I'll just finish the goddamn Ilos shit, okay?

Damnit. Fucking Saren, running away. Again. Their best turian, my ass. I was under the impression that warriors don't run away and this fucker was most certainly running. And the way this guy carried himself? More cocky than me with less shit to be proud of. Where was his Torfan? Where were his Reds? Just an asshole turian with a big, bad ship behind him. Just a fucking coward. Put him face to face with me back on Eden Prime. This whole ordeal would be done, finished in a fucking day. Oh, I wanted to kill him so badly.

Pedal to the mother fucking medal, chasing this guy through some aqueducts. Fancy word, eh? Waterways, whatever. Geth fucking everywhere, I was bowling those shitheads over with the Mako. Boom, explosion! Garrus was nasty on the gun...

_Comment_.

Okay, Alenko was on the gun. Who fucking cares? We got the Conduit, the mini-mass relay...

_Interviewer question_.

What, the Prothean VI? Virgil...Vigil? I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. It got recorded by my omni-tool, just go translate it. Summed up the Reapers so I at least half-believed in them. Some fun stuff about stasis pods, trying to save the galaxy, all that shit. Look it up in the libraries; I already explained it and, really, you just have to pay attention to the past few years to get the picture. Shit was bad, they made Ilos, Conduit is a backdoor, yeah.

_Earnest request_.

No, I really don't feel like telling that. It's shit we found out, what, three years later? We didn't need a VI to tell us, hell we weren't prepared anyway. Because no one goddamn listened to me. Vigil helped fill _me_ in, all of you other dickheads sat with your thumbs up your assholes.

But we did find out that the Citadel, despite being so goddamn boring, controls the whole fucking galaxy. Go fucking figure that one out. Open the Mass Relays for the rest of the Reapers. And then the galaxy is toast.

_Murmur_.

And fuck, yeah, Johnny stopped them the first time. Had to get through the Conduit first, though. Racing down the waterway, the Conduit, closing. Pushing the gas as hard as I could. Ignored every enemy the whole way down. The Mako was shot to shit, fires and sirens everywhere. One last ramp and...

Zip, the world was fucking wild.

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><p><em>AN: Thank you for reading. Once again, reviews and critiques are appreciated; they allow growth both for the writer, characters, and the reader. No Friday update this week._

_By the way, read "Delving into Hell" as well. Best OC I've come across. Stnemele is the fabulous author. Thanks!_


	13. Race to the Finish

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling may stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. Looks like we got to Saren fast...none of those silly side quests, right? Anyway, here we go!_

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. REALLY help the process, motivation, and it lets me know that people are actually reading the story. Thank you, and enjoy._

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware. Thank you to my wonderful editor! You know who you are!_

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><p>Pully, I assume you've been through a Mass Relay, we all have. Engines on frigates, dreadnaughts, commercial vessels, everything, they all have dampeners to make the acceleration unnoticable. Maybe you feel a little tug, but nothing major. I know some people get sick on their first try, too, but that's with just about anything with <em>any <em>ships. I've heard of people getting sick on waterships, let alone starships.

I didn't get sick because I'm a fucking man, but you know what I mean. You probably threw up fucking everywhere, fucking asshole.

_Interviewer objects_.

Okay, okay, of course you didn't. Sarcasm, idiot... But I don't believe you, ha ha.

But yeah, FTL jumps usually aren't that bad. They have all that crazy tech, I don't fucking understand it, but it makes things almost "normal." The Mako, it didn't have that shit. I _did _vomit going through that. Nice Citadel ramen, too...

The four of us, Alenko, Garrus, Tali, and wonderful Johnny got the wildest ride of our fucking lives. We were _stretched_ it seemed, during the acceleration...fucks up your sense of time. It felt like hours, days, and felt like a minute, even fractions of a second...all at the same time. Shit, physics, _something_ was just different without the dampeners. Fuck me, it was fucking weird.

So coming through, the relay, we're fucking disoriented as all hell. Of course, we fucking crash the Mako because the Conduit wasn't exactly designed for a tank and we just fucking flew into one of the Citadel's walls. Took out an Avina station...those things are fucking annoying anyway. "Can I help you..." "Where would you like to go..." "I'm a fucking idiot..."

The more of those fucking things destroyed, the better, am I right? So thank god for seatbelts because we just got goddamn fucked up by the whole...trip. Bumps, bruises, cuts, nothing I couldn't handle. I did have puke all over my fucking chest. Smelled awesome with the burning armor. Garrus and Alenko let their stomachs go, too. Turian puke? Looks a lot like human puke. Blue, but chucky and shit.

_Interviewer is mildly disgusted_.

Hey! This is important. Funniest part coming up! Guess what Tali did! Guess. Fucking guess.

_Interviewer guesses_.

No, she actually did lose her stomach. Could you imagine throwing up in a helmet? I managed to get mine off before I lost my dinner, but she couldn't take it off, you know? Poor thing...goddamn quarians, right? She opened this little slot under her chin...this purple goop dripped out. I fucking lost it, laughed for a good minute. All over her purple suit. At least it matched... Goddamned quarians. Ha ha ha... She giggled a bit...fucking girls...and Garrus laughed. Fucking Alenko, he broke his arm so he was a bit preoccupied.

Had to leave him by the Mako, hide out, wait for help. I'm not bringing him along. Fuck that, an injured soldier isn't worth covering. Especially during the final stretch. The final run. The race to the finish.

_Question_.

Yeah, he turned out okay. It was a bad break...think they're called compound fractures...he basically had an extra elbow. Fucking awesome. And he took it like a man, too. Proud of the mother fucker. I won't lie, I got a bit of pleasure out of his pain, but good old Kaidan. Wanted to shake his hand but that probably would've pulled the fucking arm off.

Burning hulk of the Mako, he took cover in it. We had to get the presidium so up an elevator, another goddamn mother fucking elevator, and guess what happens? Beeeeerrppp, stop! Right in the middle of nowhere. Had to go out in the vacuum...walk to the Council Tower. Damn fucking amazing. Couldn't have been better. Heading to the final showdown in style. And a nasty fight was ahead. Remember, the arms are closed then, Sovereign hanging on to the tower like a squid on a...something. Fuck metaphors.

_Interviewer corrects Shepard_.

Goddamn, Mr. Pulitzer! Simile, metaphor, jintzaposed, fancy word, fuck you! I'm a soldier not a goddamn poet. You are so fucking frustrating. And we have so much more to talk about. You might need someone to tag team on this because I might kill you.

_The guards advance as the interviewer backs away_.

Damn! I was fucking kidding you idiot, assholes. I'm no murderer. Shit, if I kill someone, they deserve it. You're just a smartass, although I have killed for less... Just chill out assholes! Goddamn, I don't want to die _again_.

_The guards and interviewer settle down and continue_.

You better, now? Fuck, where was I? Oh, the elevator, walking to the tower, now. Garrus and Tali, good with geth, and those robots were _everywhere_. The Citadel's arms were closed, like I just said, so geth drop ships were drifting around everywhere. They somehow put down turrets, too...not sure how that worked out. Probably the most worthless I felt in a fight up to that point. Everything was long range, Garrus's particular field of expertise. Tali could hack from far away, use her little drone, too. I lifted, pulled some geth closer, managed to rip some flashlights apart. A lot of assists during that run. Setting up easy shots for Garrus, just throwing a couple off into the distance so they wouldn't bother me. Toss, bam, boom geth everywhere just having a blast. Well I would have a blast if I got to float around like that. Like a hover coaster you'd see back on Earth. Wheeee, mother fucking, wheeee!

I wouldn't do that. I'm a fucking soldier, that's not really my kind of fun. Knocking about organics and their insides, now that's fun. Closest "organic" then was Saren. And we were close. Almost to the tower. The Council Chambers. Showdown. We tore through the geth trying to stop us. Tal hacked some turrets trying to get us. Actually shot down a drop ship. Can you imagine? Three foot soldiers shooting down a fucking drop ship! It was badass. Final "challenge" were five Geth Primes...

Three for me, one for each of my buddies...

Close quarters, biotic charge into one so knocked it back. Picked up a second and slammed it down, broke some insides. Red tunnel vision, three shots to the third up close: no more shields, no more armor, no more metal chest. Down to two... Went after the one I knocked back next. Roundhouse kick to knock it off balance, jumped on top of it and fucking tore it apart with my hands... Dripping blood on it cause I cut myself on the last Prime. Whipped around and shoved the third Prime into the wall, smashed it clean. Three Primes, in less than ten seconds, all I did was cut my forehead nasty.

Scarred nicely. Goddamn Cerberus took it away...

_Interviewer questions Shepard_.

Yeah, when they "rebuilt" me they fucking fixed my skin. I fucking _liked_ my scars. I like the new ones...makes Garrus' face look like a bruise. Speaking of Garrus, Tali and him dispatched their Primes good. So it was onto an elevator shaft up to the top of the tower.

Saren was there, knew it after a few pathetic geth tried to stop us. Cautious walk up to the terminal and...

He ambushed us straight away. Knocked Garrus and Tali out of commission early. Looks like Johnny had to do the job by himself, right? Blood's pumping... Anger is rising... Starting to Rage...

We traded words, blah, he wanted to save us all by making a deal with the machines. I don't fucking care, you're getting a healthy does of payback from me. I'm not in it for the galaxy, I'm in it to kill you. I straight told him that and he was fucking confused. Just made the assumption that I was working for the Council, Alliance, the greater good. Fuck no. It was for me. I fight for me, kill for me, take revenge..._for me_.

Saren, the bastard, gave up his monologue, then. I guess he had it prepared for a "good guy" coming to stop him, not straight revenge. And I was going to fucking have it.

I made the first move, zipped across our little battlefield with a biotic charge. Saw up close that there were some modifications to his mutated fucking metal and guts body. A bit more gears, a bit less organs. Which made biotic punches more difficult because punching metal obviously wouldn't exactly "hurt." A shoulder to his chest, uppercut to his jaw, and he jumped back. Whipped around and shot an overload at me with his rifle; popped my shields right off...

Johnny doesn't need shields.

_Shepard smirks as the interviewer urges him to continue_.

He thought I would hide. Saren, so damn predictable. Made the assumption that I gave a shit about my body. You've seen old pictures of me before Cerberus, like I said. Why would _anyone_ think I cared? I just kept going at him. Shot off his armor, had him reeling, again. Broke his human...I mean turian arm, again. Grabbed him by the throat, again. Asshole kicked me in the fucking balls.

What. The. Fuck? Who does that? It's just... I can't understand... Dirtiest move in any species book. To say it pissed me off was ridiculous. Fucking guy scrambled away, started peppering me with random shots. He started sprouting fucking crazy limbs, like Soverign itself was taking over. Once again, spoke to me about how the galaxy is fucked.

The Reapers, they didn't fucking get it! I don't care about the galaxy. It's all for me. I got up close again, grabbed the ass by the neck. A-fucking-gain. Protected my bits this time.

He pleads with me. Says he can save the galaxy by calling the Reapers off. That he could save us. That he wasn't Indoctrinated. The salvation of organics. Bullshit. "Fuck you, I'm going to skull fuck your mother" were the last words he heard. Yeah, I said that, what?

Snapped his neck as his glowing eyes cried for help. Revenge is sweet. Fucking sweet. Killing Saren, probably top three most satisfying moments of my life. Threw his body down through the glass under the Council's podiums. Gave him a nice shotgun blast just to make sure he went down. Johnny fucking won.

The best killed the second best. The pure fear, failure, everything that he turned out to be... Saren the fucking pussy. And I fucking killed him. You don't ever go after me and get away. I wish I could have killed him a couple more times, but hey, I'm the only guy that gets multiple lives.

_Shepard smirks as the interviewer asks a question_.

Yeah, the showdown was over. I fucking won, had to deal with other shit. Now Johnny has control of the Citadel, the most powerful and boring thing in the goddamn galaxy. Garrus and Tali, they join me. All dazed and shit, but still with me. That fucking girl grew up in three fucking days. Garrus, he went from beat cop to galactic badass. Both standing with me, galaxy at our fingertips. Opened the arms, ready for our fleets to take the giant ship down. Fucking squid...

We get a call from the Council on the _Destiny Ascension_. Council needs help! Blah, shit, who cares? _Normandy_ calls, too, asks what the human fleet should do. Someone, somewhere, rallied them to help us out. Geth everywhere, but they were nothing compared to Sovereign.

We get posed a simple question: Arcturus fleet, you save the aliens or kill the big ship? First off, Council, bunch of political dicks. Fuck 'em. Garrus agreed, Tali agreed. Raised them right.

_Shepard smiles_.

I told the fleets to go aft...

_Comment from the interviewer_.

What? You didn't know about that? I figured that was common knowledge. The "great decision" that the Hero of the Citadel needed to make. Sacrificed the shit out of those assholes. I didn't owe them anything. Gave me nothing...

_Comment_.

You say I owe them for being made a Spectre? Fuck you, anyone would have done that. I'm obviously the best choice for humanity, for any fucking species. Honorary krogan, remember? Anyone would've given me the job. Hell, I would have taken it without permission. I was the best, the greatest. And I just killed every other species' hero, their shining Spectre star. I was the Red star in the fucking galaxy.

Nope, didn't owe them anything. Alliance zipped right in...I'm using "zipped" a lot today...and pounded that mother fucking Reaper. Space rape. It's not sexual assault in space, it's where a fucking ship gets annihilated in battle. Space raped the shit out of Sovereign. Pieces everywhere, I wish I had a better vantage point than I did...

_Murmur from the interviewer_.

Well, for one, it would have been fun to see. Two, the fucking ship parts did fly into the room we were in and almost crushed me. That was just _brilliant_. I do all this goddamn work and a fucking giant piece of metal comes flying through the window. How all three of us dodged it...

But yeah...aftermath...

As you know, I'm the goddamn hero of the Citadel. Humanity gets its Council spot...Mr. Udina was the obvious choice. He knew politics, knew what the fuck should be done. The other species? I don't give a shit.

_Comment from the interviewer_.

Nah, I never learned their names. Assholes... Didn't matter to me. No one believed me about the Reapers. Of course, this wonderful fact screwed _all of you_ fuckers. Space rape... Had to go to other sources for Reaper help. They were a threat. To me. And they fucking told me I was worthless... that I couldn't beat them. Fuck 'em. Goddamn Reapers had no fucking clue what was coming...

_Grin from Shepard_.

Leads into Act Two of my Mass Effect, am I right?

* * *

><p><em>AN: __Thanks for reading and sticking through these first chapters. PLEASE leave some reviews...motivation is waning. I can't even tell if I have readers. Without feedback I can neither improve or keep the drive to write this story..._

_I can't stress how much even the smallest sentence can help. Just writing "good" is fine...affirmation that people are in fact even bothering with this story. Next update will be on Friday._


	14. Breathing

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling may stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. Mass Effect Two follows...here we go!_

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thank you for the feedback, and enjoy._

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware. Thank you to my wonderful editor! You know who you are!_

* * *

><p>Alright, Mr. Pulitzer, let us call this "Mass Effect Two," eh? It is the second act of my fucking story. Probably a good place to put a break into your little prize winner, right? Bold letters, something with "Shepard continues..."<p>

_Interviewer comments_.

Really? You're going to put a fucking break after _Virmire_? Wow, you're going to make me look like a giant fucking pussy, aren't you?

_Interviewer counters_.

Damn... I hate it when you have a point. Okay, what the fuck ever.

Aftermath of Saren, right? Still felt fucking good that I got my whole revenge shit out of the way. Unfortunately, I get the fucking pleasure of getting medals and shit after. Parts of the Citadel were trashed and the Council was dead, so I got ferried to Earth for some Alliance bullshit. See, I've gotten medals before and I know the horror that is known as a "ceremony." They parade you up there, make you wear your fucking dress blues and smile. I fucking hate smiling. And shit, Pully, there was a lot of fucking smiling.

First off, pro-human groups were all giddy over the potentially human controlled council...which was bullshit because the three big species would just put some assholes back in place. It wasn't like there would be ten humans on the Council. The fuck was everyone excited about? Politics weren't going to change... Didn't affect me mostly because I ignored the shit out of them... But yeah, why were people excited? I was goddamn baffled. I did suggest Udina, when asked... he knew what was happening, what was best for humanity. And what's best for humanity is normally best for me.

_Interviewer encourages Shepard to continue_.

So back on Earth, I get this fucking ceremony thing to go to. Being good old Johnny Shep, though, I... partied the night before. Being Shepard gets you laid. Being a Spectre? Gets you laid and free shit... Hero of the Goddamn Citadel? Fucking got whatever I wanted. Night before the ceremony, my first night back on Earth, fucking wild.

Free shots...free fucking Hallex. Every girl I could possibly get, for free. Most of them weren't whores...just sexy little tarts that wanted a piece of Johnny. Foursome. Dick in one, slips out with a nice little pop, jam it into the next pussy screaming for the fucking Hero. Just sweat and sex, my fucking c...

_Interviewer yelps_.

Shit, fuck you! It was just getting good, too. You _still _don't want my sexual conquests? You're just embarrassed that you're not this fucking awesome... Asshole.

Fuck...well, lets say it was a fucking wild night. Woke up in a pile of sweat and...stuff...on top of a bunch of strangers. Loved it, the rush of the whole "What the fuck happened? Holy shit it was awesome..." line of thought. Was ruined by my omni-tool buzzing cause I needed to be at the ceremony for my fucking medals. Stumbled out of my makeshift bed and suited up... Reeked of awesome. You know how they said I was sick? The thing that was broadcast all over the news? Yeah, it was a fucking sex crazed, drug and alcohol filled hangover.

Somehow stood on stage, half hungover smiled... Stumbled around because of "injuries sustained during battle." Nope.

_Shepard smirks_.

Ha ha ha, I still can't believe I vomited all over Hackett. Classic...

Let's see... Oh yeah, got to visit Vancouver, too...

_Interviewer, regains composure and murmurs_.

Yeah, I missed it... parts. The skyline. My city. People had changed it in the years I was gone. New buildings, old ones gone. The Black Widow was a piece of history; the Reds, I checked, there were fifty or so... Fraction of what used to be. I would've led those assholes to the fucking stars... My fucking gang, my fucking city, my fucking world.

But goddamn, good old planet Earth. A giant party... Cut short by the goddamn Alliance. You drag me there, and give me, what, two weeks to enjoy it? Well... Vancouver. Shitty ass shore leave. Give me a fucking month... I just saved the galaxy! Fuck that, though... No, we had to go look for geth or something... how about the Reapers, everyone? Didn't a giant fucking squid fuck up your goddamn Citadel? Even with the new and improved Council, no one listened to Johnny.

Let's bounce to a few months later... Fucking Alliance, again, had me doing patrol runs. I was itching to go rogue again, but they took my team away. Tali went back to her fucking weak ass fleet, Alenko got a promotion thanks to me, and Garrus had to go do some turian shit. Fucking turians...

If they had me doing anything, it shouldn't have fucking been goddamn geth borders. Put me in turian space. At least so I can knock off some pirates, right? Hell, Batarian Space would have been fun. But nope, it has to be one fucking massive shakedown cruise. Back and forth, looking for lost civies... no thanks.

_Unintelligible comment_.

Why didn't I leave? Resources, again. I was a fucking Spectre though so desertion really was on my mind. I wasn't doing anything fucking important. Should have gone rogue... I was going to. Collectors cut that short...

It would've been simple, really... sway some crew to my side, kill any dissenters and there we go. I would've hung around the Terminus, picked up a couple of guys like Zaeed, maybe a Kasumi Goto... Whoever would help me kill turians, batarians, maybe even fight the Reapers if they showed up. And, I _was _a Spectre... Technically, I didn't report to the Alliance, anyway. The whole thing, it would have been fun. Easy. Simple. And if the crew had a problem with it, they were replaceable. And I could pay well with all those creds I picked up hunting Saren...

I was about a day away from taking the ship; I probably would've needed to off XO Press, but everyone else was too scared to fight back. Joker, the fucking prick, thought I _liked_ him. Followed me into hell a few times, he would have definitely joined me. Good pilot is the first thing you need when stealing a ship. Who would like that brittle boned walking stick of a person? No wonder he fell in love with a computer...

_Unintelligible comment_.

Yeah, first organic and AI relationship, there. The fuck is that about? Go find a real girl. There's probably some fragile girls out there that you could...rub against? Ha, Pulitzer, you think I could break a brittle boned girl while fucking her? Bam, bam, bam, _craccckkk_...

_A request for Shepard to stop_.

Damn, got me again. It'd be fun to actually break someone with my dick. It's that fucking strong, man. No, no, we're on the fucking patrols. No one hot to fuck, no one to scare, nothing to kill. Like I said, I was going to steal that fucking ship. Before the whole Collector shit...

_Interviewer comments._

What the fuck do you mean I said that already? Fuck you, Pully. This is my own damn story.

So it's your average day on the fucking _Normandy_. Well, the whole rogue thing, but yeah, that got sidelined, eh? Day of the attack, I'm talking about... I'm sleeping in my room, nothing to do. A lot of pacing, a couple shots, the usual. Then, the alarm. Not the "oh shit, a fire!" warning... It was the "oh, shit we're all fucked" warning. The loud blaring... Burrrrrrp... Burrrrrrrp.

You get the idea. I fly into my armor as fast as I can because something was fucking wrong. Joker wouldn't turn that on just for shits and giggles. And the first hit, the Collector ship fucking tore off the outer armor. With one shot! One fucking shot...

Tough reliving this part... I can't see outside, obviously, so I'm blind to this whole shit. Imagine it as a big rock firing a laser. Some drums and tubas playing. Broooon...

I'm doing my best to save _something _on my boat. It was useless, obviously. I should have just bolted to the escape pod immediately. It would have been quite a different galaxy, then. Nope, I had to stay and try to save shit. Accidentally a good person every now and then, right? Fucking Johnny...

Joker is up in the front of the ship, calling for SOS, trying to go down with the ship. Honorable? No, he was just fucking stupid. I pop out from the lower decks into what used to by the galaxy map. It was incredible... Just blank space right above. A view better than Vancouver of the planet below...I stopped at looked for a second. Blue planet above...looked icy, like Europa back around Saturn. Bit of an atmosphere... damn beautiful. Yeah, I fucking said beautiful. Fuck you. Ass. Probably got me fucking killed... You know what they say...

_Interviewer questions Shepard_.

Really, you don't know? They say "it wasn't the ship. It was beauty that killed the Beast." Yeah, I know quotes and shit. I thought it was appropriate here. Hell, I thought you would have said it. You really aren't that smart, are you Mr. Pulitzer? Just for clarification, idiot, I'm the Beast. Dumbass... Lets go back to the fucked up _Normandy_.

So debris and shit blocking my path to the cockpit. Heh, cock... gets me every time. The last escape pod was _right _next to the pilot's chair, where Joker was breaking his little fists at the Collector ship. He was an asset, right? Had to save the fucker. He was right there, not that much out of my way... Of course it couldn't have been easy. It never is. I threw the asshole into the pod... I made an effort to break his arm... and then...

_Shepard hesitates. The interviewer urges him to continue_.

Yup, that's when the fucking beam hit. A few feet away; hell, the blast itself should have killed me. Slammed me against the bulkhead and I bounced. My left leg caught a fucking chair or something on the way and snapped my femur... Somehow my suit didn't break there. Hurt damn bad, but not for long! Hit the wall, broke my spine at the waist immediately. No more feeling in my legs, at least some of the pain was gone. Explosion, bouncing, then one more slam against a wall and I started floating...

I couldn't get my biotics going because I was so goddamned dazed. Then I felt the cold sinking in. And then the air getting out of my suit...

_Interviewer is surprised. Shepard delays for a moment before continuing_.

Yeah...most people don't know that I survived the initial explosion. I had the lovely privilege of suffocating in space, while freezing to death at the same time... Hell, I got a nice view of the Collector ship as it toasted the rest of the _Normandy_... Floating, just going out. Sinking towards the planet so I figured I would burn up in the atmosphere, anyway. Johnny, the little Red star...

I... it... Yeah, fuck this...

_Interviewer is speechless_.

Bet you didn't know the Butcher died this way...

In, out... In, out... I was focusing on my breathing. Basic survival stuff, trying to figure something out as I lost my air.

In, out... In and out... In... and out. It was getting harder, less in and more out. Cold, no air, just floating. The whole thing is a dream, really. I don't know when I lost consciousness...

_Hesitation_.

I guess I died. Not the cold, not the fucking ship, just suffocation. Just floating away... trying to breathe...

In and out... In and out... Out... Out... Out...

* * *

><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading. Apologies for the short length. The pieces just fell together strangely. Also, a poor attempt at drama. Hey, death sucks for even the biggest assholes... Will make up for it later!_

_Remember, stnemele's "Delving Into Hell." Currently under minor revisions, but it's great!_


	15. Death is R&R

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling WILL STRAY from canon, but will follow the general story. It must be noted that this Shepard is NOT the canon Shepard; as this is a first person view, all opinions are from his mind._

_"Johnny" will affect his universe differently than other Shepards. Cerberus has less control of him, there are no loyalties to the Alliance, characters may act in different ways._

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Any thoughts are welcome. Thank you, and enjoy._

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware. Thank you to my wonderful editor, Stnemele._

* * *

><p>In...in...in... In and out... In and out...<p>

Two years later, I catch my breath. It was like just reaching the surface of a freezing river before you fucking drown. Well, I did that before, back home. Although I spaced drowned this time.

First thought after waking up: What the fuck? Here I go from freezing in space to laying in some bright room. Somewhere. With an alarm... The kind of alarm that wakes you up from being dead.

Thought it was a massive headache, steady thumping in my head. Boom... boom... boom. Kind of like the headache you're fucking giving to me. Asshole.

_Murmur_.

You serious? Fuck you, Pully. You keep interrupting me, twisting my words, all trying to get your goddamn prize. Just tell the story before I get fucked in the ass by the goddamn aliens, okay? This is the good part, too. Where I joined up with Cerberus. Where I got to do all of my shady shit that no one wants you to know about. Like why the Alliance didn't do a goddamn thing when the Collectors kept stealing humans. The galaxy didn't care... I didn't care... But they were a way to hit the Reapers. Fucking machines, telling me I'm shit... telling me I can't do something. Fuck 'em.

_Objection from the interviewer_.

Ahhh, goddamn. I oughta rip your arms out, Porter style. Beat you to death with them. Whoa, you're pushing me, you little shit...

Alright, you want to be on my side? You have this moral high ground because Cerberus did that whole betrayal experiment nonsense. Automatically assume that I'm a dick, too? Okay... you know what they did, the Collectors? Fucking grinded people up. Gray mush. Saw the leftovers from experiments, the people being liquified...

Fuck...look at it this way, Sir Pulitzer the Almighty. Asshole... You had a relative on Freedom's Progress, right?

_Interviewer confirms_.

Well, we didn't find any survivors from there. Your sister, uncle, inbred cousin, the cripple you liked to fuck, what the hell ever they were, they didn't just die... They were fucking ground up into some gray mush, like I said. While they were alive. And they screamed the whole fucking time. It's one of those things that I would only to do Saren. Maybe the Illusive Man... Probably some turians and batarians, just to see what happens...

Yeah, I was pissed off when the Alliance didn't give a shit about the colonists. Humanity first, right? Fuck them, it was all about sucking up to the Council. Fuck you, don't you _ever_ question my alliance with Cerberus. They were going after the Reapers _and _fucking stopping the goddamn Collectors. They would've made it to Earth... They aren't touching my planet, my city. Fuck. That. And they killed me, we can't have that...

Gahhh... Mr. Pulitzer, you really know how to get me riled up. Hell, I should be happy at this point. I did just wake up from being dead. Cerberus signs everywhere, so I knew where I was. Captured? Fuck it. Guest? Who cares? I just needed to get going.

I figured it was a coma or something at first...saw a calendar in the med room I was in. A bit confused to see '85 rather than '83... I figured _somehow_ I got picked up. Last thing I remembered was the _wonderful _pain of suffocation. So the waking up deal, confusing. Damn sore, fucking alarm blaring, too. Looked around me, saw some armor in the corner of the room. Just my size, too.

Convenient... there was a pistol, too. Guess what? It was fucking empty! This was confusing, by the way...the whole thermal clip concept was a bit new for me. Imagine your, I don't know, fucking recorder suddenly had different batteries...charger... How does that thing work?

_Interviewer answers_.

Oh, you hook it up to you omni-tool? Cloud saving? Oh, that's pretty cool. So all this right now, it's being saved somewhere. I hope someone steals it. You wouldn't be Mr. Pulitzer anymore...

_Shepard smirks as the interviewer passcodes his recording_.

I got you nervous, didn't I? People aren't gonna do that... Ha ha, sucker. Back to Cerberus!

So yeah, I'm running around with a broken pistol. Made the connection that the weird fucking tubes on the ground might fit into the slot made for the weird fucking tubes on the gun. Shot some shit, discovered the wonder of thermal clips; shooting around helped my fucking headache go away...

This whole time, some Aussie lady is yelling over the alarms, "Shepard do this, Shepard do that." Like I'm going to fucking listen to her. Last time I listened to a stranger I embraced goddamn Eternity... I'll get to the shuttles off the burning wreck myself. Some random space station... Got to fight LOKIs for the first time.

_Question_.

LOKI Mechs. Fragile little guys fell apart with one fucking shot. Little red eye in the center of the face. Like a target. "Shoot here fucker!" Like a geth's flashlight, except much shittier. LOKIs... I highly suggest to all of the mercs, security people, and fucking mini-warlords to _not _use them robots. Sorry to whoever the fuck builds those things. Invest in some R and D next time. ExoGeni probably would have put together something better. Would have been a fucking plant that spit out asari. A mobile version of the Thorian, I want one of those...

_Shepard pauses, in thought_.

Well, anyway. I'm walking through this station. Fires, alarms, an Aussie woman, my entire body hurt. I looked at my arm, no scars except for these little red lines. Here, Pully, you can see them. Cerberus must have gotten lazy and didn't finish the job. Look, I can pull it off... hurts like a mother fucker but it's fucking wild.

_Shepard peels off some skin as the interviewer winces_.

Eeeerrrgggg... yeahhhhh. It's all muscly and there's some glowy shit, too. I don't wanna know what else is inside of me right now. But it was all new skin. Obviously I've broken my second set in...

_Shepard gestures at his scars_.

My first set? Cerberus "cleaned them up," like they were ugly or some shit. That's what Lawson said. Fuck you, I liked them. Battle scars. Showed what I did, signs of what I could do, showed that Johnny was a badass. The old burns, Widow's? They were _part _of who I was. A link to the Reds and how I beat them. A link to how I owned my city...a connection to Vancouver, home. Had a few from my mother, too... We'll go with "fell down" some stairs when I was little. Put out a couple of cigs on my arms... They were who I fucking _was_. Cerberus, they took them away... Scars are like memories that don't leave you, ever. Stick to you, show accomplishments, failures, lessons. Like the ear thing...don't bite a geth. I remembered that every time I saw that scar.

_Interviewer murmurs_.

Ah, don't you make fun of me. Go into a Rage sometime, see what you fucking do. Ripping apart a body, that's good. You do stupid stuff, too... Take reckless hits, get your fucking ear torn off... But, yeah...

I like to say that Cerberus didn't change me or nothing, but they fucked up my scars.

My fucking past. I made every effort to make new ones, new memories. What do you call it, subcontinently? Didn't really think about it, but got into some sticky situations when I could've avoided them. Ha, burned myself right away trying to run through a gas leak. Oops, messed up your "fix" damn quick, eh? Easily could have walked around it. Fuck you Cerberus!

So this Aussie woman, sounds sexy, I won't lie, keeps yelling at me. "Shepard, blah blah!" Don't know what I said it to, but a "fuck you" to a speaker was necessary. Blunder through a door and there's my buddy, Mr. Righteous himself, Jacob Fucking Taylor. Damn, if he wasn't such a decent — and decent is generous — pilot, I would have left him on that goddamn station. "I'm a biotic, I can help you!" That's how he introduced himself.

"Fuck you, I'm a better biotic." Then I owned him. Come back to class so I can school you again...

_Question_.

Umm, no shit. Didn't you gather that from my Saren chase? Of course I don't like my crew... Entitled, bitches, weak, all justice shit. Liara was shitty, hated Tali for most of the first journey, fucking Williams...

Don't get me started on Taylor. Objected to every goddamn decision I made. "But Shepard..." All I fucking heard. Admired the shit out of me... Never came at me after the Snarl.

So, the Aussie lady, turns out it's Miranda Lawson. The screamer...or was she the rough one? Perfect human specimen, saw that as soon as I met her. We're getting off the station..heh, getting off...and she shoots this Wilson guy. Badass sexy woman? Ideal. Give her some red hair, and boom, instant boner, am I right? Had one anyway, ha. By the way, fucking hard ons do not work in armor. But Lawson, she knew what was up. The stakes, how you're supposed to act. And wore that skin tight suit _everywhere_. Taylor eyed her up just about every time he saw her... They used to fuck, you know. He got the shit rejected out of him... Johnny Shep would have stolen her pussy from the fucker, anyway.

So here we go! Off this station, happened quick. This Wilson dickhead, tried to kill me...while I was dead? Jealous bastard, in my opinion. We're off to another Cerberus base, then. Ha, I was surprisingly calm during this whole ordeal. They tell me I was dead, which I thought was total bullshit until they showed me the vids, fill me in on random shit. I was just ready to get going. Sore, but itchin' to rip something apart. Maybe get a challenge; I hadn't had one since Saren...technically a few months for me. Long fucking time on Shepard's galactic clock.

I'm just along for the ride at first. Why the fuck not? They gave me a gun. And I got to meet fancy people. Another goddamn suit.

_A question_.

I'll get to that... On my own, asshole.

_Interviewer is unintelligible_.

Fuck you. Don't tell me shit about alliances. Back to the goddamn story. Man in the suit, yeah, it was the Illusive Man. Galaxy's most hated man? He was a puppet master in every sense of the word. Dance, puppets, dance. Little trucks here and there, set up traps just for the hell of it. Fucking walking around with his scotch and his cigs... By the way, cigs are gross. Fuck up your lungs...

_Interviewer comments_.

No, fucking reefer doesn't do the same shit, asshole. You ever actually do a drug, Mr. Pulitzer? I bet you haven't. Mr. Golden Boy. New nickname? No, no, cigs are worse. I don't want a lung replacement, fuck no. Nose bleeds from hallex, temporary. Fucking black lungs? Permanent. Who the fuck needs brain cells anyway? I just need to goddamn kill. Which is why I'm amazed at the shit the Alliance Academy spits out. Aim and shoot... I did it at fucking twelve. Easy fucking shit. But assholes like Jenkins... I don't fucking know, Pully... I just don't fucking know...

They're the kind of pricks that got put in charge of the missing colonies. Probably didn't fire a shot. Illusive Man, he gets a tip about your buddy's colony, Freedom's Progress... Irony in that name?

_Murmur_.

Yeah, I guess. No more progress after the whole killing everybody...

Well, No More Progress, it went silent. Oh, no! Bad guys around? Of course not...more fucking LOKIs. And a big one, I forget those. Got to run around, biotic charge, kick a few. Nothing major, nothing hard. Oh yeah, found my girl Tali there. Got to meet some other weak-ass quarians, too. Apparently they were "investigating" one of their fucking pilgrims. And this one was mentally challenged! Woo fucking goddamn hoo...

Veenor, Vreton, Voltron, whoever. This guy, he's disturbed, turned on all these mechs. Goddamn quarians wanted to pick him up... I wanted to kill him. He _did _sick random fucking robots on me. Whatever, seemed to me like he had some useful info, if he was around for the abduction... Race to the retarded quarian!

Guess who won, go ahead, guess?

_Interviewer suggests Shepard_.

Yup! Blasted through some mechs as the quarians got stomped on over. May have "accidentally" shot a few on the way. Shh, don't tell the leftovers that... Got to my bud Veetor, he's all zippy and nervous. He pieced together some video of the colonists being stolen. I really didn't give a fuck, was more curious in what I needed to kill.

Of course, it wouldn't be turians. Or bartarians. Hell, hanar would have been fun. Nope, I get to fight fucking _bugs_. Johnny the Exterminator? God fucking damnit. Tali shows up as I'm stealing Ventnor's omni-tool. I didn't want to carry a crazy quarian around...hell a regular quarian would have sucked. She was happy at this, thought I was a good guy. I don't know. I should've ripped off the asshole's mask and watch him...something. Would he run out of air? Volus style, I've pulled a few of their breathers out.

_The interviewer starts to explain_.

Fuck! I don't care if they breathe oxygen, hydrogen, even goddamn the air version of plutonium! Shut. Up.

We fucking left No Progress, back to Cerberus HQ. Or one of them, I don't know. Had to talk about the bugs. I mean, Collectors, that's what the bugs were called. "Bugs" was good enough for me. Less to say, looked fun to squish. Maybe they'd pop like a roach. Cockroach, dumbass, I see your confused face.

This Illusive Fuck, he's got all this information about the fucking Collectors... Who I had never heard of before. Didn't know where they were from, didn't know what they did. How they fucking talked... Nothing. They were just stealing humans. Apparently it had something to do with the Reapers. Yeah, I don't connect the dots; I just fucking kill the dots.

Of course, I couldn't do this alone...it's all about resources. A dead man has none... Cut ties as soon as you don't need them anymore. With the Alliance because I needed a ship... Spectre because I needed weapons... Cerberus because I needed a ship, money, _and _weapons. Fuck, I can only do so much, you know? People keep asking "why didn't you leave, become a pirate, you could've done whatever you wanted." No I couldn't, asshole. No matter how fucking awesome I am, I can't do shit without resources.

_Comment_.

No, it's not called "help." I don't need help. I can do shit on my own. The Butcher doesn't need help...just back-up. Fuck you. Shut the hell up... Now you have me off track, dick. Sir Pulitzer the High, I fucking hate you so much...

_Question_.

I _didn't_ join Cerberus, Pully! Stop questioning my goddamn motives! Sure, I "joined up," but I never wore a fucking uniform. Never bowed to a leader, never said "yessir!" I make alliances, teams, what the hell ever because they give me things I want. Fucking guns, soldiers, a goddamn ship! And creds...can't live life without them. Miranda was a prize, too. Three days before she was screaming my name.

Sure, I agreed with Cerberus on some shit. Pro-humanity, that was cool with me. This whole Reaper shit, evidence was piling up. Had me questioning what fucking Sovereign was. Cerberus would give me what I needed. The Illusive Fuck, he would give me what I needed for the Bugs, Reapers, robots, whatever I asked for. I'm no fucking puppet, he was mine... I was gonna get the goddamn Collectors, they fucking threw the first punch.

And man, did I fucking punch them back. Square between all four gross fucking eyes. Just a step towards the great challenge, these mystery gods. The Reapers...

_Shepard smirks_.

And who wouldn't want to take down a few fucking gods? Shepard the Titan...

But yeah, take down the Collectors, first. Re-fucking-venge.

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><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading. __Looking forward to reviews and comments. I'm up through Tuchanka at the moment so it would be a great time to give me points of improvement._

_Also, there will be no Friday update this week due to the holiday. Have a good week everybody!_

_And, for anyone saying "This fic deserves more attention," spread the word. Leave reviews. Favorite, follow, and tell your friends. You have no idea how much Johnny...I mean...yeah, I mean myself would appreciate it!_


	16. Snipers and Salarians

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling WILL begin to stray from canon, but will follow the general story. Alliance Collectors Reapers..._

_Loteva brought up a good point in correspondence last week. Johnny Shepard would never fit the ridged standards of the established universe in game. A typical "Renegade" Shepard still follows the same path as the "Paragon" Shepard. You fight to save colonists, fight FOR the Alliance/Council, listen to your superiors. Johnny does not do that and will not do that. I will try to reinforce the fact that this is HIS twisted view...we're seeing things from his perspective, his way of thinking._

_A "Renegade" Shepard is still the good guy; he's just an asshole version of "Paragon." Red Shepards have the same motivations, same thought processes, and the same general outcomes of a Blue Shepard. Johnny should be considered neither. As a result, canon will not be strictly followed. Characters may have different attitudes, may be recruited at a later time, and may do different things. I hope this doesn't turn anyone off of this series, as I feel it offers a unique perspective on Mass Effect._

_Reviews and critiques are appreciated. They keep me going and provide some motivation. The more reviews, the more updates. Any thoughts are welcome. Thank you, and enjoy._

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware. Thank you very, very much to Stnemele for all the help!_

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><p>Here's when the real fun begins, Mr. Pulitzer. Where we get to meet my wonderful ragtag band of misfit fucking soldiers. Almost all badasses. The Illusive Fucker, he put together a list of assassins, soldiers, scientists, psychos, my type of people. The psychos were my favorite. Mordin and Jackie...<p>

_Interviewer is surprised_.

Yeah, Mordin, I think he was a psycho. You'll agree by the end of the story, I bet...

So we have this list. The gang. And the beautiful mother fucking _Normandy _SR-2. Joker randomly showed up... good and bad... Chakwas was there, somehow. Don't ask me how that happened. And she ended up Alliance in the end, too! The fuck? Joker got a pardon, she got a pardon, where's mine?

Ah, what the fuck. Had some engineers, Daniels and O'Toole. Played cards with them and stole their goddamn wages. I've got a fucking awesome poker face, Pully. I love old fashioned Texas Hold'em, some of these new games are just weird. Galactic Extranet World of Fighting? Nope, fucking nerds.

_A suggestion for Shepard to get on track_.

Oh, yeah. Resources, Pully, I'm telling you. I would have bolted from Cerberus right away, but that ship was a beauty. Could do some real damage... the Illusive Ass's list was useful, too. Finding some soldiers to help me do whatever the fuck I wanted. Happened to be the Collectors at the time, so time to squash some bugs. I was excited to see what their insides were like. Time to start my goddamn adventure, again... So, I check out the first two. On Omega... the anti-Citadel, the second best place in the whole goddamn galaxy...

_Question_.

Vancouver is the first.

Omega, they had this "Archangel" guy and my good friend Dr. Solus. Archangel? He sounded like a badass, no second thoughts on recruiting him... Not so much for the Doctor. Suppose we needed the sciencey shit he could get us. Remember, the last doc I had to save was goddamn T'soni. A bit hesitant about Mordin. Old naive Johnny...

But Omega, holy shit. Awesome, awesome place. Regular market, black market, thieves, prostitutes, drugs, alcohol... heaven? Hell yeah.

We were greeted by a jumpy little salarian...he was quite excited to meet the Butcher. Said "Hey Shepard!" and started babbling. Then this fucking asshole batarian shows up. Starts pushing the little kid around. I assume the lizard was a kid, you never can tell with the salarians. Shot the batarian between the eyes. Apparently that's legal on Omega. Pretty sure nothing is illegal...

The little guy, salarian, is fucking stunned... He knew who I was, but hadn't seen it first hand. He says "Aria needs to see you." I said something like "Fuck her, I'll visit on my own time." Who is she to demand my goddamn presence? I want to enjoy the sights, first. So enjoy I fucking did.

Told Taylor and Lawson to go fuck themselves, walk around and get me some fucking money or guns. Whatever, I didn't care. Hit up the first club I found, some place called "Hell." It was in Asari, but who the fuck cares. Selling fucking Hallex _at the bar_! Hell yeah, I'm buying some. Shots, found a gorgeous piece of ass... Banged her in the bathroom, up against the wall...

_Interviewer requests a stop_.

...up against the wall. She wanted it, I don't refuse. Had her moaning my name, "Johnny, oh Johnny!" within a minute, fucking left her shivering on the floor...

_Shepard smirks_.

That is how it's fucking done, Mr. Pulitzer. Force it in, make 'em want it, then leave them in a fucking pile of pleasure. She probably finger fucks herself during her drea...

_A snap that Shepard ignores_.

… during her dreams. _Needing _Johnny... Shut the hell up, Pully, I'll get back to Aria in a moment. I'm Commander Shepard and Hell is my favorite bar on damn Omega. Frequent visitor "discount." Garrus earned one himself... He was into the turian chicks and asari, and apparently quarians later. Too each his own? Saw it as kind of sick, but... fucking aliens. Garrus was a bit more gentle with 'em, but I taught the guy well. We called it "shifting his plates." Knew how to please the ladies...

So yeah, yeah, Aria. Bitch of all bitches. "Queen of Omega." Bullshit, I would've been King in a fucking month. She owns the place, yeah right, "don't fuck with Aria..." She had information, all I cared about. I was the goddamn one you don't fuck with. She knew of my "hero" reputation, not the damn Butcher side. She would see it, though.

_Question from the flustered interviewer_.

Okay, okay. She was in, um, Purgatory? Neat little name, probably where "Hell" got its name from. Wait, no, not Purgatory... Dark Star? Flux? Fuck, what was it? Damnit... Ha, too many blows to the head? Memory sucks. Fuck, what was it? Damn...shit, shit. Goddamn, now I'm getting pissed off. What was the bar? Arrrgg, damnit!

_Interviewer helps_.

Fuck! Afterlife... Alright. I almost freaked out there! Whew! Anyway... Aria, she said Archangel was in some location pinned down by all the merc gangs, the Doctor in a quarantine zone. Figured the whole disease thing could wait... Apparently it fucking killed turians and batarians. The more dead, the better. So off to find Garrus... oops! I mean Archangel. Slipped up in my story, eh? There goes the plot twist.

Might as well drop the Archangel title...

To get to Garrus, we had to sneak in with some goddamn mercs. The three big gangs, Blue Suns, Blood Pack, and Eclipse. Working together! Wild, right? I have Lawson and Taylor with me...only two worth bringing into the field from the crew. The other Cerberus guys, they were okay with ship duties but not so much in the field. Out of character for me to not throw some troops into battle, I know. Not sure what came over me...

So, to make things short, we go into the merc base "under cover." Guess I wasn't recognizable without the burns? Mercs are stupid anyway, probably all ex-Alliance... The human ones at least. I was in the distraction wave, meaning I was cannon fodder. Some kid with a broken gun, a few scrubs trying to make some credits... If I was actually going to try and kill Garrus, damn we would have been fucked. Before we went over, I helped our side out a bit; hacked some mechs to attack the bad guys, sabotaged a gunship. Killed a Blue Sun LT by jamming a fucking hydrospanner up his spine. Blamo, electricity and a pop out of his back. Like a flesh bubble burst...got my blood pumping for the fight.

So we're trotting across this bridge, I'm shooting mercs in the back because, hey, why the fuck not? Reverse of what I normally do. Shots coming out the _front_ of peoples' bodies. Utter destruction of the fucking heads, took off arms. Saw Taylor "fight" with his "biotics." Ha, that guy fucking sucked. Lawson, she was pussy footing around the fucking bridge. Taking pot shots, little one shots, but killing blows each time. In the head, neck, took 'em down quick. Then goddamn Garrus shot me...

He was still "Archangel" in my mind...damn, I was close to ripping him off his fucking perch and blowing off his goddamn head. Lawson calmed me down, though, on our way up to say hi. Relaxed a bit when Mr. Vakarian revealed himself. Nearly hugged the guy... my protege was back! Fucking battle bud, going to fuck up everyone.

_Question from the interviewer_.

Why was he there? Apparently he cracked after I died, got fed up with the turian's red tape. Like C-Sec, the Alliance, any organized "justice" system. He went rogue and I was damn proud. He even had his own team... Dead, though, betrayed by their own teammate. Garrus was pulling a "last stand," tried to take out as many bad guys as possible. Was doing a good job, considering the number of bodies on the bridge to his hideout. Mercs are stupid so they avoided the other ten goddamn entrances...

But Garrus, he's broken up about his team dying. A lesson to learn, there. You lose people. I lost a ton on Torfan, Williams and killed Wrex on Virmire...

Yeah, you learn to get the fuck over it. Had to help my bud, though. Take out enough mercs to make them run for cover. So we set up around Garrus's base. Put Taylor with Garrus in the sniper perch, Lawson and I, we ran around below. Remember, this is my first real action after waking up. May have gone overboard...

_Shepard smirks_.

So here they come, Eclipse first. Asari, some humans, their captain was salarian. Biotic charge right into the center. Knocked two off the bridge into whatever was below... One, two. Three, broke a human's arm, took his gun, shot him in the face. With his own gun! Ducked, I hear Garrus count his second. Pumped a round into an asari's stomach... purple all over my face. Tripped up number five and gave him a punch to the throat...got to hear him gurgle as he died. I was Raging...shoot, tear, throw, slam, shoot. Red and purple and green blood all over the place. Salarian blood is green, weird, eh?

Fifteen. In two minutes. Not bad. Got myself into no-man's-land, though. Had to run for cover cause I started getting hit by rounds from group two...turns out the Blood Pack figured out how to use the back door. I got to taste fucking vorcha for the first time...you _can _bite them. I liked doing it just to rub it in their faces...they got these giant fucking teeth and can't touch me. I got my pearly whites and can rip open your fucking neck blood pumper. They have jugglers? Vorcha, I mean.

_Interviewer answers_.

So they do...fuck you. I don't care how to say it. They have them, I fucking ripped 'em out of the smelly bastards' necks. They fell apart damn easy, too. Actually pulled them apart. Crazy nosebleed...damn this fight was awesome. Blind fury, blind Rage. Two years of repressed sleeping dead ass fighting being released. Blue Suns, Eclipse, Blood Pack, they all knew who I was after that day. I was stepping on bodies as I fucking ran at the krogan leading them. Biotic punch his face, clean through the eyes. Whipped around, hurled the five hundred pound krogan glove I was wearing at the last vorcha. Got crushed against the wall... Three sickening crunches and next thing I know, thirty eight.

I hear Garrus yelling upstairs, something about my mech trap going off. And the Blue Suns comin'. This was, what, ten minutes in? Little rest between the waves, too. Coordination wasn't these guys' thing. We're talking about tactics. Vorcha don't have much brains to begin with...

So, Blue Suns bastards. Here we fucking go. They start dropping in through the windows...took them long enough..and shooting up the place. So I threw them out of the windows. Easy, right? Headshot after headshot. Nothing to it, they just kept funneling. Then the goddamn gunship shows up...

_Murmur_.

Yeah, that is how Garrus got his scar! Practically took a rocket to the face. I turned the corner into his little perch room to see Taylor weaseling in the corner while my buddy gets fucking blasted. Fuck. That. Shit. I looked the pilot dead in the eye. He started strafing the room as I pulled out the wonderful Cerberus issued rocket launcher. Quick realization as the fucker saw it; he tried to pull up, but I'm not having that. Then... blam!

Fucking metal everywhere. Johnny: sixty-four; three goddamn merc groups: zero. I mean, we did have a turian coughing up blood and shit, but, really, he was gonna pull through. Called an evac, some no one Cerberus showed up, and we left. Check off Archangel, right?

_Shepard pauses_.

Right? You want me to keep going...

_Interviewer asks about Doctor Solus_.

Damn...you're going to drag this part, aren't you? Shit... Yeah, next up was the mystery doctor slash scientist slash badass. I figured this guy was some fucking nerd, zippy little salarian fuck who would do _something_ for us. The Illusive Dick, he gave me the information for some reason... and the guy was holding off a fucking plague in the one district on Omega. So we had to go get the guy, plague didn't affect humans so we were good. Would've liked to brought Garrus along, but he was sort of bleeding from the goddamn face. Wouldn't have stopped Johnny, but hey, some guys have their limits. Was gonna teach the turian how a real man fights...

Came back from the whole ordeal all bloody. Not mine, it belonged to my fucking enemies. Got some stares just wandering through the main part of Omega, but nothing big. I would have gotten arrested and put in a fucking psych ward if I did that on the Citadel. Well, C-Sec would have tried, at least.

Solus, right. The district with the plague, it was fucked. Don't think they rebuilt after, fucking bodies and shit everywhere. That color gray, like before on Eden Prime, and just a general layer of brown everywhere. The lights were dim, random fires, dead bodies... the shitty part of Omega. No parties down there, so I wasn't coming back, anyway. Blue Suns and Vorcha fighting over turf...the BS gang didn't know about the plague, I guess.

Time to fucking go...snuck up on them while they were fighting each other. Oh yeah, Lawson and Taylor were pretending to fight with me. Not _with _me, ass, as allies...damnit.

_Interviewer objects_.

Hey! Not my fault if I need to clarify...you'd be asking all kinds of stupid fucking questions if I didn't. Wasting my time. Like all the goddamn people asking for help on Omega... Yeah, just as many assholes there as the Citadel. Some dickhead wanted me to transfer packages to Illium and wherever. You serious? Going to ask goddamn Shepard to run errands..._again_? I punched the guy straight away. "Go do it yourself, fucking asshole," I said. Ha ha, hit a lot of random people in the face. Some crazy religious fuck, he was riling a bunch of people up. Worse than the goddamn hanar and their "Kindlers."

But yeah, the Batarian, took him down. Shut the fuck up, don't trash humans. Same with this elcor trying to overcharge me for shit. Hitting an elcor is... let's go with strange. They don't fall over or anything. Just kind of sit there, say "Injured tone, that hurt, human." How did they achieve spaceflight, anyway? Mini-elephants. They don't have fingers, who built their little shit? I mean, humans, our hands are too big for some stuff. We build little machines for it. These guys, no fucking fingers, how? It doesn't make any sense...

Fuck, I do not like the goddamn elcor. Can't speak like a normal person, can't fucking move like a normal person...

_Interviewer murmurs_.

...fuck elcor. Fine, fine, Pully, back to Omega!

Blue Suns, Omega, Blood Pack. Jumped on the back of the first turian, snapped his neck. Turn around, pumped a round into a human's stomach...she screamed as her insides piled onto the floor. Dead. Blue Suns are scattered now, falling all over because of the Blood Pack. Fine, my turn, then. Biotic shove of two vorcha into a fire, their fucking creepy screams. Good kind of chills, the tunnel vision. No nosebleed, though, lots of physical fighting in the plague zone. Snapping bones, ripping skin, tendons... Bloody...and I was still covered from the whole Garrus adventure.

Like a machine, but better. Marching through the fucking place, shotgun, fucking shit up. I don't remember much...looted some places, found a couple upgrades for my gun. Found a batarian, coughing to death. Looted his fucking ass before he died. Then killed him. Started spouting off about honorable humans or some shit. You did the Blitz, you don't have any goddamn honor. Don't deserve any shit back. Found some more plaguers, the immune vorcha, took them out.

Short time later, we find the good doctor's clinic. And there were LOKIs everywhere. Enough to make them actually worth something. Must have been fifty just around... I stumbled through the place, scaring the shit out of refugees. They weren't exactly used to a bloody giant lumbering past them... I asked where Mordin was, then met the crazy mother fucker. Crazy. Mother. Fucker.

Exact opposite of what I was expecting... I thought he was gonna be this young little salarian fuck, but I find this battle-scarred old fucker. Well, old for a salarian. He was missing one of the little head stalks, you've seen the vids. Science shit everywhere. And weapons. Lots of weapons, that he looked like he knew how to use. Some awesome custom jobs, I wanted them, ha ha. Mordin, though, he starts talking like a crazy person... And I don't mean religious nutjob crazy, like a minute ago, I mean a fucking crazy person. Really out there. Frankenstein...the guy with the big white hair.

_Unintelligible_.

Fuck you, Einstein, whoever. Doc Brown, I don't fucking know. Mordin was like him...crazy.

_Interviewer asks for explanation_.

Well, he starts out without a greeting, just starts babbling. "Who are you, can't be mercenaries, have uniforms, unlikely here to fight, no weapons drawn, trying to loot clinic, unlikely, perhaps looking for cure, too ruthless...ah, you're Shepard!"

That was all one sentence, in a fucking second. Mind worked a thousand times faster than mine... Mad scientist. Found out that he helped with the Genophage later. See, I'm not the only one with some genocide on my record!

I introduced myself, like I need introducing, said what I wanted. "Come help me with the Collectors," or something. He says okay, but only if I help cure the plague. Mordin, he super fast talking; all three of us, me, Lawson, and Taylor, we're baffled. Pretty much every time the doctor talked, you just nod and grimace. Like you're in deep thought, agreeing with him. Liked to play pranks on me, talk about bullshit then call me out for "agreeing." Made me laugh. Crazy or not, I wanted the salarian fuck on my team. He was too awesome to leave behind... Guns, smarts, and experience. Lawson and Taylor had none, I needed a second Garrus, someone with some real battle on their record.

Mordin, he gives us a vial with some gas, liquid, I don't fucking know... Go to a fan room, clean up some vorcha, spread the cure, the end! Exactly one hundred for the day. Vorcha go down quick, easy. Fun to get them execution style. Take out their legs, get to see the fear. Those smelly fuckers, they fear death, too. Despite all the fucking showboating, they're just as wimpy as a scared volus. Like I said, go down quick and easy... Like an Omega prostitute...

_A short laugh. _

Ha! Got you laughing, Pully. Knew you'd come around.

We had some krogan in there, but made quick work. Simple kills, like I said, not much biotics during the whole plague deal. Go back to Mordin, he's all happy, glad I killed the bad guys, leaves his clinic. Like that...must have really hated the damn station because he was on our ship in, what, twenty minutes? Super pumped about the lab, working with the damned AI on the ship, EDI...

_Surprised interviewer_.

Oh yeah, Cerberus put EDI on the ship, not the Alliance... Did they take credit for that? Wow, assholes, they keep painting themselves just wonderfully. Fucking dickheads...

Omega, Omega, we're done there, right? Eh, I made a few pit stops, of course. Hit up Hell, fucked some whores, same old deal. Lawson comes and finds me, says we need to leave. I wanted a nap in my bed.

Oh! I get to tell you about my cabin on the SR-2. Later though... Time go find some fucking krogan, release a prisoner, some thief... Dossiers and more dossiers.

Just another day on the job... Didn't even have time for lunch.

By the way, can we get something to eat? I'm starving. I'm not continuing until I get some potatoes...

_The interviewer sighs and calls for food_.

Taters...mash 'em, put 'em in a stew... Delicious.

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><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading. Not to time to sing Scientist Salarian quite yet... I just want to clarify, Johnny does NOT like Cerberus...he has said so before. No loyalties; not to the Alliance, not the Council, not Cerberus, not even... Well, I can't say that last one yet._

_There will be no Friday updates for the near future. I'm waiting for the "Extended Cut" to be released before we can confirm/deny how the series actually ends, or at least have an epilogue. And it is summer...work and play are never okay to mix the way we do._


	17. The Psycho and the Sneak

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon, but will follow the general story. (Alliance, Collectors, Reapers)_

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Any thoughts are welcome. More reviews equal more frequent updates...more frequent updates equal more readers...more readers equal more reviews...repeat! Thank you, and enjoy._

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware. Thanks to stnemele, again!_

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><p>Good fucking food, am I right?<p>

_Shepard "stuffs his face."_

_[Indistinguishable]_, the _[indistinguishable_] was just the craziest _[indistinguishable_] ever.

_A sigh and comment_.

Oh, fine, fine. I won't talk with my [_indistinguishable_]. Ha, sucker, I'll do what I want. These are delicious. The food they give me isn't very good am I right? You're useful, Pully. Get me the good stuff...drinks _and _food. This is turning out to be quite the date...and, no, I don't put out the first time around. Ha ha ha, you fucking asshole.

Fine, fine, back to the fucking recruiting, right? Now, Mr. Pulitzer, you get to meet the Psycho...the _real_ one. What I would've been if you locked me up in a room for an extended period of time.

Hint...hint...

_Interviewer is confused_.

Damnit, I mean I'll go insane if they lock me up. Well they have, but I haven't lost it yet. Meaning, you'll get a guy like Jackie and that's just not something anyone wants to deal with. That fucking woman... Yeah, her name was "Jack." I dunno if it's short for Jackette or some shit... Maybe her parents were one of those weird ones that name their kids those experimental names. Gender switchers, like how "Matthew" used to be a guy's name. Crazy, right?

But fucking Jackie, my pet name I guess, psycho bitch in every sense of the word. Looked crazy, acted crazy, talked crazy, everything was crazy. Going into the whole recruiting thing, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

Heh, getting myself into... I'm saying I fucked her. Get it?

_Interviewer sighs._

Fucking Purgatory _was _a prison ship. Neat little place... Yeah, it was a former ark ship, one of those ones that are supposed to save civilization if a fucking asteroid hits a planet or something. Put all your plants and animals on the ship, fly away all happy and shit. I don't get it, but I'm also the kind of guy that would throw an asteroid at a planet anyway.

_Shepard grins_.

So the ark ship, Purgatory was what the prison was called...

_Question_.

Oh, how we got there? Well, one of the next people that I wanted or needed, whatever, on my team was on this ship, in the prison. Jack was on the dossier given to me by Illusive Fucker. We leave Omega and head straight there. The Alliance and Council got wind of me being alive and shit, wanted me to meet leadership on the Citadel. Fuck that shit, I have more important business. They would've just wanted to control me or some shit. I blew 'em off, even though they kept sending me assignments. "Shepard, we know you're alive, go help this dickheads." "Shepard, go gather dog tags because we neglected to do that two years ago." Fuck those guys, they let me die. More important things to do...like revenge and alien killing, ha.

So, yeah, leaving Omega. Fly right out of there, plus one awesome salarian and the only worthwhile turian in the goddamn galaxy. Garrus was still banged up, giant bandage on his face, but I taught him good. He wasn't afraid to get into a fight...recovery time is for pussies anyway. I was thinking about sitting him on the sidelines, but he's a stubborn asshole, so he came with. We get to Purgatory to buy this prisoner off of them, but of course nothing is easy. I would _love_ to just get assigned something, walk in, and say "thanks for the help" and then leave. But, nope, this goddamn place was run by the Blue Suns. Hadn't heard of my...exploits on Omega, but still a bunch of assholes.

Far too many turians on the ship, they were just looking for a fight. Tried to take my weapon at the entrance...brought Garrus and the hot piece of ass bitch with me. Figured she could negotiate price or something for me. I wasn't paying attention to the prison transfer bullshit, I was just along for the ride. Had Taylor and Mordin on standby because I was paranoid. Prison ship, lots of money at stake...yeah, stuff was likely to go south.

And, wouldn't you fucking know, I was right. Fucking Blue Suns... they try to capture me so they can sell me. This asshole turian, Blue Suns guy, thinks that he can lock me up then _sell_ me? Fuck no, that guy was going to die, just because he was fucking stupid.

I was pissed off at the Illusive Fuck...nice intel you fucking idiot. Show me how to fucking recruit people then walk me into a goddamn trap. That became a theme for that fucking asshole pretty damn quick. Wish I had a guy walking around with me who could warn me...jump out at random times, go "It's a trap!" and then leave. Be fucking annoying, but damn helpful.

_Question_.

Hell yeah, I started hearing that guy, the trap guy, after a while. I mean, he always showed up as soon as I realized it was a trap, but whatever. Added some spice to the fucking battle. "It's a trap!" Heh, my fucking brain sometimes... You'd think I was crazy!

_A sigh from Shepard_.

Time to get on with it. I was a bit tired from the last bit from Omega, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. Pumped myself up a bit. Few random shots, screamed "You fucking ready for this?" Garrus, he was fucking excited, chest banging like me. Not actually banging his chest, Pully. God, you're so dense...

_Interviewer, exasperated, urges Shepard to continue_.

Okay, okay... The hot piece, Lawson, she's all jumpy. Remember, she's genetically perfect and all that...

_Interviewer interrupts_.

The fuck? Miranda Lawson, yeah she was genetically engineered. Something about making her the ultimate human specimen. Unfortunately, genetics don't make your personality... she was a raging bitch, impossible to fucking be around. Put in some ear plugs and just look, that was my preferred method of dealing with her. Fuck, she represented dickass Cerberus perfectly. Pro-human and stuff, yeah, but a bunch of giant dicks stuffed into a fucking hot ass shell... Now, Mr. Pulitzer, she's pissed off and jumpy on Purgatory.

"Stop doing this..."Why blah blah?" As the bad guys showed up, I tuned her out, and then Garrus and I counted. The turian, he was getting good. The stint on Omega? Worked well for the guy. Sharper, better with his tech shit, still managed to be spotless after every fight, though. He actually got the first kill that day, a shot clean through the eyes of a turian trying to capture our lovely band of misfits. You think people would _know_ who Johnny Shepard and Garrus Vakarian were. Goddamn splashed all over the news...

Anyway, Garrus gets "one" first which is total bullshit. I was halfway through running across the fucking room to get the first wave...he jumped the gun. It wasn't fair. So I made up for it damn quick...

Fun little trick I learned that day...wait, have to explain the setting first. These hallways on the ship, pretty much just glass tubes. Solid floor, solid ceiling, but two pane glass windows on either side just looking to be broken. So yeah, we're in those hallways. I fucking shattered the walls in and just pushed the shards of glass at and into the bad guys. Beautiful...giant fucking pieces of glass, shoving their way through turians, humans, mechs...and I mean through. Didn't just stab the fucks; I cut them in half. Woooo, that was a rush. Glass is a good fucking weapon, Pully.

_Shepard eats a mouthful of food_.

_[Indistinguishable_] we fucking start blasting through, biotics flaring, tunnel vision starting. Not enough guys to kill to really get going, though. It was a damn short walk to the prison control system...by the way, worst fucking control system ever. We had to release this Jackie guy, right? So instead of releasing Prisoner TK-421, we had to press some button that let _every _prisoner loose. That's why that place blew up after we left...not because I left a bomb behind or nothing, just because there were thousands of psychopaths running around blowing shit up. I mean, I blew some shit up, too, but I'm no crazy person.

Jackie, we find her...well, Lawson found her, I was busy covering our asses. Guys trying to break down doors and shit. Easy kills, just obnoxious when you're trying to fucking do a computer thing. Whatever, like I said, I was just there. It was supposed to be a nothing big pickup anyway... Wait, why did I have to buy the prisoner? I mean actually go there in person... Cerberus, they have enough people and money to just fucking bring the bitch to me...

What the fuck? I just realized that... Man, fuck those guys! Goddamnit...

_Murmur_.

Pully, fuck you! How many goddamn times to I have to say it? I wasn't on their team. Means to a mother fucking end. Shit...

Jackie, we get our first shot of her after the grand brilliant fucking decision we had to open up all the cells. Utter chaos...we got to see the fucking crazy bitch at her best, too. Course, the "that fucking girl is named Jack what the hell is she wearing clothes damnit fucking Cerberus giving me crazy fucking people to take on my goddamn trip why am I here shit I just want to go nap and get a fucking drink" thought stopped me for a second. Then she fucking blew up. Did that biotic boom thing I did way back when with the Reds, except she did it on purpose! Damn impressive...knew right then that she was damn worth the hassle. Radioed to Taylor and Mordin, told them to be ready for some fun. Heard Mordin chattering about what he was going to do in the fight...tuned him out, of course.

Jackie, sexy and all, she blew up three YMIRs alone. Didn't even give us time to stop her from freaking the fuck out. She just blasted a goddamn hole through the wall and started killing people. Well, I assume that's what she did...didn't see her until after the whole fight.

Was my turn then, anyway. Pretty much chased the bitch through the ship trying to catch her. Tons of assholes in my way... I was Raging, now. Tunnel, fists turned fucking blue, boom. Saw some prisoners that got some guns taking cover. They had zero protection, damn quick work. Should've rallied them to the cause, promised safe passage or some shit. Not going to give it, would've slaughtered them anyway... But, I tore them apart instead. _Ripped _some apart... T'was fun, killing those crazy fuckers. Goddamn murderers, right? Just killing people at random is bullshit; those type of people don't deserve to die...

_Interviewer comments_.

No, I wasn't like them. I don't kill at random, I said that before. People die for reasons...attack me, steal shit from me, insult me, whatever. Don't come at Johnny, I won't kill you.

_Murmur_.

Fuck you, those batarians on Torfan deserved it. They were goddamn aliens, anyway. And the fucking turians? Revenge is a bitch. You don't fucking get away with that whole First Contact bullshit. My father, he needed fucking vengence... turians ruined my goddamn life, I ruined them... Cut the dad part, Pully. Fucking cut it...

_Shepard pauses and takes a deep breath._

Back to Jackie, you got me going back in time, now. Damnit, Pully, you keep asking questions, gonna get me confused. Purgatory, prisoners, fucking shit up. Went at guards and prisoners at the same time, used them fighting each other to be sneaky...okay, not sneaky, just fucking killing them easier. Ducked my shoulder into the first guy, a human, and I was off...

Ripped some glass from the walkway above, rained it on a few guards on the other side of the room. Two dead... Fuck, you made me lose count, Pully! Shit, restart? Okay, fine, two. Garrus, he's picking people off with his sniper, nice and clean, ruthless. Caught a couple short range, took 'em down, injured. The guards pleaded for their lives...me and Garrus executed the fucks. He didn't have any fucking forgiveness and shit for goddamn murders and mercs. Groomed him good, right?

I'm doing my own work, too. Three, four, five, all quick shots to the head or chest. Closed casket. Took a couple limbs off with others, down they go... Just strolled on up to their crying goddamn bodies, "please, please!' then stomp. Turian and human brains...nice splatter and I got some blood in my mouth. Ha ha, realized it was mine. Apparenly, I got cut good when charging into the one guard. Slice right down my eye, blood pouring.

Fucking loved it.

_Question_.

Nope, not this one, the one next to it.

_Shepard gestures to a particular scar_.

I told you, Mr. Pulitzer the Grand, I collect them fast. Scars are my thing. Girls are into 'em, too. Trust me on that one, Jackie loved them. She used to run her fingers along th...

_Interruption_.

Wow, you caught me before I even started this time! I'll trick you next time...I'll get you, Pully, you watch out. Ha ha, you tricky mother fucker.

So I'm going good, pumping good, biotics, shotgun, the normal deal. Got close to a few, shotgun under the chin, bang! Unique fucking shots, then. Sometimes the back half of the head was there, just dripping goop out of the giant fucking hole that used to be the face. Brain stem still intact so they twitched for a few seconds. Made me fucking laugh, I know that much.

A couple more rooms, same old shit. Tearing turians apart, typical Johnny... Met a fucking YMIR on the way, blew that bad guy up with my fucking rocket launcher. Quick goddamn work. Round a corner, I find my buddy the Warden. Fucking Dickbag Turian Guard Leader Fucker... the one I was going to kill, the one I _did_ fucking kill. He had these shield pylons protecting his fucking ass, easy taking them down, though.

Think he was up on a raised platform... If I remember right. I know I jumped somewhere... Yeah, I jumped onto the little platform he was on, where firing goddamn grenades at me. Now, next, this was a neat little kill, Pully.

He's firing these active grenades, right? Ran up, grabbed his fucking gun, twisted the barrel up just enough to clog it. Biotics are a hell of a power. Fucking prick had no idea what happened when I fucking jumped away. Backed up grenade launcher, dunno how many were in at the time. He pulled the trigger, clunk it goes into the barrel, didn't go through. Clunk...clunk... Then he realized he was fucked. The look of pure terror gave me the chills...the good kind. Got to see his eyes widen when he knew he was fucked. Goddamn gun blew up on his hands and then everything else within five meters...all that was left was a blue-ish mist after the explosion. Fucking sick...

So yeah, went after Jackie then. Watched her fucking destroying shit, ripped a few guys apart, Johnny style. Found her at the airlock where we entered. She starts screaming about Cerberus, how shitty they are, blah blah. Fucking hell...bat shit insane and I liked it. Garrus and Lawson, both told me to knock her the hell out to bring her on board.

Not going to lie, I thought about it. Then, rational Johnny kicked in. How would I react to waking up in a random ship? Well, I didn't take it very well the few weeks earlier... This psycho bitch clearly would take it worse. I don't want to be spaced _again _because of a crazy person. Last time it was just because of a damn cripple.

So Jackie, I told her coming with us was the only way off the station when she stopped screaming. Threatened to kill her if she didn't shut the fuck up. Saw me, bloody and badass, so she shut the fuck up. Told her to come with me, why not? You get to kill things, bang things because she looked like she wanted it... Not my style, though. Not big into the shaved thing. Johnny prefers girls with hair, not the gender bender ones. She grew it for me later, though... Jackie...

So, she gets on board. Ready to go to our next guy...

_Comment and question_.

Shit, Pully, relax... I'll tell you why she hated Cerberus so much. Pretty much the same reason as everyone else. They fucking did some crazy experiment, she was the "victim." I would've loved what she got to do, biotically enhanced and shit. I wouldn't have ended up in prison, either. One good thing about the Alliance. You get to do Torfan, Virmire, all kinds of shit with no goddamn consequences. Get to kill things, no prison.

It would've been fun to be Jackie..._male _version...she got to do stuff I never did, got the upgrades that I never did. Jealousy...I was damn jealous. Never really thought of that before.

[_indistinguishable_]. Damn, my fucking food is cold... Gotta finish it, now.

_Shepard "stuffs his face." Interviewer questions_.

Okay, [_indistinguishable_], lets see, [_indistinguishable_] who's next? Grunt, his [_indistinguishable_] was fun. They were Blue Suns...again. Kasumi was already on board, making friends with whoever.

Wait! Oh, shit, I forgot about Goto! Ha, holy shit...guess her pickup wasn't that memorable. In hindsight, it definitely should've been on the highlight reel. Ha ha ha, damn, I can't believe I almost forgot! Shit... Okay, Kasumi Goto, big thief or something, I hadn't heard of her before. Guess that means she was good, eh? Illusive Man, he gave us some intel on her just before I went to pickup Jackie. Yeah, we met her in some random system. Supposed to steal something from some Donovan Hock, Hick, Dick guy.

Goto, she has this big plan to sneak in. Use some cover name, dress up all fancy, do some spy shit. I gave her a middle finger, said we do it my way. "Oh no, Shep, don't break my things!" I told her I would be careful...

Ha ha, you know Shepard and careful don't go together well. Yeah, this Hock guy was having some party for "classy" criminals, the kinds that wear suits. I fucking hate suits...reminded me of the Reds. So, instead of sneaking in, I just fucking shot my way in... Dead criminal suits all over.

_Surprised comment_.

Massacre, that's what they called it? Yeah, I guess I was responsible for it. Damn proud, too...

_Another comment_.

Hero? They called me a hero? Ha ha ha, wouldn't have called Johnny the Hero of...what was it?

_Murmur_.

So the planet was Bekenstein...Hero of Bekenstein because I killed a bunch of suits? Where's my goddamn medal, asshole? Come on, Pully...this is fucking ridiculous! Ha ha ha, shit, you all probably thought the guy that did it was some sort of renegade avenger guy...nope, just Johnny Shepard, who did it because I was lazy. Shit, I just burst a ton of bubbles, eh? Ha ha, this is goddamn hilarious!

So yeah, I blew up that fucking building with all the suits in it. Didn't really give a shit about the people, I just wanted to get this Goto lady on my team. I could use a thief for when we were on inhabited worlds. Steal some shit, whatever. She was too goddamn happy sometimes, though. Weird, weird person... Ha ha ha, fucking hero. You people, so goddamn idealistic. Fuck me running...

So that happened before Jackie. Can't believe I forgot it...

Must have been the food or something...way to go, Pully. You're supposed to keep me on track!

Shit, alright... So where was I? Grunt or something, right?

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><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading. To those of you who are impatient (:p), Zaeed will show up later...and that is NOT a Shellder. __Check out "_Delving Into Hell_" by Stnemele. Under revisions, but fantastic story. Also, I saw that the new rating system doesn't include "MA" ratings. If anyone objects to the current language/themes, please do not report the story. Johnny just wouldn't be the same without the f-bomb._

_'Till next week! Go "I'll Have Another" in the Belmont Stakes this Saturday, too!_


	18. A Joke About Dinosaurs

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon, but will follow the general story (Alliance - Collectors - Reapers)._

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Any thoughts are welcome. Thank you, and enjoy. Thanks to Loveta for the consistent reviews._

Mass Effect_ is owned by Bioware. Thank you very, very much to Stnemele for all the help!_

* * *

><p>Now it was time for the fucking Warlord, a krogan named Okeer. Apparently he was big shit back in the day. I'm no history guy...barely paid attention to human history let alone another fucking species' history. So it was off to some garbage world to pick up this guy. And I mean garbage world...shit everywhere, apparently the highest number of off planet murders in the galaxy. Fucking messed up shit, didn't have anything good to offer.<p>

Before we went there, though, Jackie got her naked ass settled in. Wanted to like the bitch, I really did. She was fucking insane, yeah, but the good kind. The hair though, just fucking bugged me. Said I'd fuck her if she grew some. I mean, we fucked when she didn't have any but it was harder for me to get it up. Take off those straps covering her nips, bam, naked Jackie. And she was fucking _wild_, I'll tell you what. I'm glad we were in the basement under the engine...otherwise, everyone would've heard us...

_Comment from the interviewer_.

Oh yeah, I was fucking that bitch Lawson, too... Hey, if there's ass looking to get it, then I'm there to please. Lawson, she shut her fucking doors down there for so long, she fucking screamed the first time I shoved it in... Jackie, she'd just been locked up in a prison for who knows how long. She needed it too. And Chambers? The entire fucking ship was just a pile of sexual frustration that she was taking care of. Bang, bang, bang, conquest city for Johnny, right?

_Sounds of disgust_.

Fuck you, what you thought I'd be a one woman guy when there was that much ass around? Sure, I stuck to one person later, but that's down the road, asshole. Do you even know who I am? I'm talking about jamming little Johnny in to the dripping wet pus...

_Exclamation_.

Goddamnit! Fucking shit, Pully? Shit, figure out what you goddamn want me to talk about. Bring up this whole sex nonsense and I tell you it then you don't want to hear it! Okay, okay...banging multiple crew members and they had no fucking clue I was doing it with others, either. Master of fucking the fucking pussy...I was just having "conversations" with the ladies. Had to get to know my crew, right? Went around, said "Hi" to Kasumi...she was hooked on Taylor and she wasn't that bad of a person. Didn't want to corrupt her, right? Mordin, he was fun to chat with. Hard to understand the guy, but he had some good STG stories.

Said about he helped build the genophage, I high fived him for that and he was baffled, working with turians, blah blah. That guy...smart and fucking badass. Opposite of you, Pully. Stupid and a fucking pussy.

_Angry objection_.

Yeah! Fight back...you say you're smart. Got that Alliance approved degree, right? Whoop-dee fucking doo... That ain't nothing until you see some real fighting, some real science. Sick experiments, Cerberus style, fucking twisted shit. Then you'll earn your goddamn degree. Field work, the _real _kind. Mordin knew that shit. That's why he was the goddamn Scientist Salarian and you're just pussy fuck Pulitzer.

Anyway, fucking went around to the ship. Stopped off to fuck Miranda, showered up, went to fuck Jackie, showered up, went to fu... I mean see Garrus. Ha ha, almost slipped up there...and it'd be down in history forever!

Garrus, being my closest and maybe my only friend, had some good conversations with me. I pushed him toward the darker tactics in battle, who to trust, what to do. He was...suggestible after losing his team. Thought he was a failure, that he couldn't lead. I told him he fucked up, but not because of him. Told him he wasn't ruthless enough. How do you discourage mercs? Torture them, rather than just destroying their shit. Go after families. Send some body parts from "Archangel." Normal stuff, you know. He was a bit darker, too because of the scar. That fucking rocket scar, massive...his vanity, out the fucking window. Hardened my big buddy even more. My "big buddy" is not my dick, by the way...

_Interviewer asks Shepard to continue his story_.

Okay, fine. Let's see...we were on the trash planet.

_Question_.

I don't know the name, who fucking cares? There was shit everywhere and it smelled terrible. Whole goddamn place reminded me of vorcha. Surprised it wasn't their goddamn home planet... Probably evolved from a pile of shit left by a space cow or something.

Okeer, yeah, the crazy Warlord. Apparently he wasn't exactly accepted by other krogan. Insane, sick experiments. Ha ha, sounded like my kind of guy, right? We land close to his lab, hideout, station, whatever the fuck it was. Brought Garrus and Jackie along for the firepower. Brute force biotics from two humans? Badass combo, and Garrus was even better with his rifle than before. Kept Taylor with the shuttle because he could fly pretty good and I needed an evac plan, just in case. Never had to use one before, but like I said, gotta be careful. Just because I'm all scarred up means I'm a bit reckless in battle. It's more fun to be reckless when the bullets start flying, anyway. Better kills, more Rage. But, backup is goddamn useful...meat shields if you need one. Not that I ever would, of course. Johnny is too badass for that. And I had my boy Garrus with me and that hot piece of ass Jackie. Kindred spirit, into the same shit as I was. I liked her. A lot.

Taylor, he's flying around in the Kodiak. Lawson had XO duties, Mordin was doing science shit back on the _Normandy_. Something about protecting us from Collector swarms. Okeer, he was a scientist apparently, so he was going to help out. Mordin didn't need it, but why not meet the crazy Krogan?

_Comment from the interviewer_.

The krogan, no, he never came on the ship. I'm trying to tell a goddamn story here. You'll find this shit out in good time, Mr. Pulitzer. Re-fucking-lax. Fucking interrupting...

Let's see, who else was with me then? Ah, Kasumi was in the nearest city sneaking around, doing whatever she fucking does. Always came back with some good loot, though, so I let her go. As long as she didn't cross me, we were okay. She got free travel and her memory stick from that Hock guy, I got a share of her loot. Mutually beneficial relationship, right? So that was the deployment on the garbage planet. Here...we...go...

Taylor drops us off right away. Charged out of the shuttle immediately...saw some Blue Suns, double biotic charge into the first ones, Jackie on the left, me on the right. She was terrible with a gun, so she was more of a twister and a ripper. I got my first guy in the stomach, blew his spine out of his back. One... Two and three were flying down a cliff after I shoved 'em off with my biotics. Garrus opened up with his Widow, putting clean holes through the visors of the mercs' helmets, giant fucking messy blast holes out the back. Jackie, she didn't know the counting game yet, so her's was more of a wild fucking mess. Pretty much just general destruction...warping insides around, dismemberment, kind of like the usual Johnny method. I got a couple more, regular old shotgun to the face, a couple of red and blue mists...fucking turians. Daddy would've been proud!

Ducks, twists turns. Jackie would throw some up in the air, I'd take 'em down quick. She'd pull some out of cover, Garrus would nail him clean sniper shots. I'd toss a shockwave, lift a bunch in the air, Jackie would tear the mercs apart. Damn methodical and damn effective. Did it all fucking day.

Good pump up action. There were twenty or so, all dead. Nice little messes all over the place. Most people would've balked at the whole situation. I knew I chose well when Jackie and Garrus grinned at the carnage.

Carnage is a damn fun word, Pully.

But, yeah, we dispatched the BS troops. Well, except for one, he was hiding behind some rocks. Quivering, curled up in a ball. Crying, the fucker was crying! Terrified...

_Short comment and suggestion_.

Hell yeah, we were terrifying! Can you imagine a tatted up chick, scarred turian, and Johnny fucking Shepard tearing up your buddies on the battlefield? The merc, he was a giant fucking pussy, yeah, but who wouldn't be afraid? Ha ha ha, we made him call his buddies on a different team, and tell them everything was all good. "Blue team reporting, everything is clear!" Something liked that, whatever. As soon as he was done, I gave some smartass remark about it not being his day or some shit, ready to shoot the fucker... But Garrus executed the douche before me!

_Shepard smirks as the interviewer shows his surprise_.

I know, right! Damn surprising at that point. I suppose I trained him well. "You would've just done it yourself anyway...I might as well get in on the action." Proudest moment of my life until then. My protege, little Garrus Vakarian, unleashing some justice the _right _way, the best way, the quickest way. Surprised Jackie...ran her hand through her short hair. She was damn surprised the former cop would do that. I knew he could.

Well, that was pretty much the highlight of the fucking day outside of finding the Warlord himself. We kept going, cracked some fucking skulls along the way. A few krogan clones to fight along the way. Apparently this Okeer fucker was breeding an army for the Blue Suns. Some lady kept fucking yelling through the loudspeakers about discipline or something. She was terrified of the krogan clones; apparently they were fucking up her troops... She was pretty damn worried about the "outsiders," our badass team, too. Kept telling the BS coming out of their hiding places to hold their ground. Good, stay put...makes it easier to fucking kill you.

_Interviewer asks a question_.

The clones? Nope, they wouldn't have helped the genophage. Not that I would've kept them around anyway... But yeah, the clones, they were all fucked up. Alive for less than a week, fully grown. Dumb as a fucking brick. Called the sun a fucking sky light or something. Tried to get one of them to help me, he just kind of stood around all baffled. Worthless. A couple, they went feral, like a varren, so I had to put them down. Charging at me, limping at me, everything. A bunch weren't formed...right? Some were just off...

_Question_.

Damnit, I will fucking explain. You keep fucking talking, Pully, but you aren't listening. Shit...

_An exasperated sigh_.

Yeah, the clones were off. Some, they were just stupid fucking krogan...well, dumber than normal like I said. Krogan are still dense as a fucking rock, but these guys took the cake. Baked the cake? Ate the cake? You know what I'm saying, Pully? Get me some cake...nah, just kidding! It'll go straight to my hips! Ha ha, fucking right.

So the clones, some weren't formed right. Looked inside out, extra fucking limbs, missing arms. Some were vomiting blood everywhere, oozing puss. Slimy, eyes in the wrong places, double head crests. It was like someone reached into a giant box of body parts and just smashed them together. That Okeer fuck? He was a bit fucked up in the head if this is what he was "making." Mercy killings, that's what I called my fucking mission that day. Blue Suns just fucking suck so they deserved to die, but those mutants, the clones, they had a sorry, sorry existence. Worse than Johnny...at least I'm not a deformed mutant thing...I look like it in the right light with the burns, but my DNA is one hundred percent awesome.

I smelled awful after killing them, too, the krogan. The goo they were covered with was fucking nasty. Went well with my nosebleed, though.

That was a joke. It went horribly. The smell made me want to vomit. If anything, the smell of my blood covered it up. Pleasant...

_Disgusted interjection from the interviewer_.

Yeah, they were similar to some of the Cerberus experiments. Walking fucking monsters, stuff that you see in vids. Almost like the Reaper...things. The ones that they just kind of mixed stuff with. Not my deal, Pully, not my kind of thing. By this point, the three of us just wanted to get to the Warlord. I wanted to kill him, Garrus keeping me in check, Jackie focused on "collecting" Okeer, too. She wasn't girly and bitchy at all during the mission. I know Lawson, and Williams way back when, they would've been tip toeing everywhere, probably grossed out by the mess...bitches, ya know? But Jackie, she was different. Refreshing. change of pace...

So there's more fighting, right? The three of us, we're just blowing through the mercs. Wouldn't you know, we pop into Okeer's lab a few minutes later. _Old _krogan, he was all crusty and shit, looked like he'd been around longer than fucking Wrex had been. Wiped off my nose and smeared the blood on the wall. The warlord snaps about sterilization or some shit. Why the fuck should I care? He starts babbling about how he wasn't really building a Blue Suns army, how he was trying to build the perfect soldier. Pointed over to a tank with a krogan-looking dinosaur inside. Once again, why the fuck should I care? Half pointed a gun at him to show that I wasn't fucking around... The tank krogan was pretty damn interesting though.

_The interviewer asks for a description_.

Well, his face was all wrong...for a krogan's, I mean. The head crest, it wasn't normal. It was shaped wrong... He had a little scaly thing on his chin, too. Almost like a goatee. The tank krogan, which was Grunt if you hadn't guessed, he had places for tubes all through is armor. I'm sure underneath he looked like that fucking kid we found at the Cerberus base. They called that particular fuck up Project Overlord.

Poked some holes in some dumb kid, made him talk to geth. Pretty damned fucked up, if you ask me. Those dicks, trying to control the geth...you can't fucking do that, they're individuals. Mind control is goddamn impossible outside of fucking Indoctrination or weird chemicals. But yeah, Cerberus, they tried some experiment. The kid took over the geth, but he was fucked up. Bad, I mean tubes everywhere, inside some weird metal circle. Holes through his arms, he was naked so there was shit everywhere...smelled awful... You get the picture...

_Disgusted comment_.

Ha, "wonderful." Sarcasm, I like it, Pully. Growing up on the spot. Maybe I won't have to ask you to write it fucking down! I just _love _turians. See, that was sarcasm! You'd figure that the Pulitzer guy would be better at human interactions and shit. Guess that's what you get for writing...stunted social life.

_A sigh. Interviewer urges Shepard to continue._

Yeah yeah, Grunt. The tank krogan. Okeer, he wants to save his buddy at all cost. His son. Okeer says that the tank krogan is the ultimate genetic krogan, the future of the race. By looking at it, though, it looked like there were some fucked up genetics going on in there. Grunt was odd...payed for the insanity of his "father" by being fucked up in every way possible.

But, the Blue Suns _finally _figured out that they were betrayed by Okeer so they tried poisoning us. Fuck that. Went downstairs to confront their bitch of a leader. She monologues, something something...broke her fucking legs after I took down her YMIR body guard. Fuck those giant robots...pain in the ass, I tell you what. Worse than Armatures sometimes. _Not _worse than goddamn Atlas's. But I had to kill the BS quick because EDI was bugging me about...

_Excited question from the interviewer_.

No, fuck you. I'll get into the whole AI deal in a fucking second, alright? Or many I won't...that thing was goddamn annoying. Chill the hell out. You'll get your fucking scoop, your goddamn medal. I'm not calling you "Mr. Pulitzer" for nothing! You better goddamn win it because no one else is going to make anything near as good as Johnny Shepard's "Mass Effect."

But, before you interrupted me, asshole, I was discussing Okeer and how he died. Before I killed the Blue Sun, she gassed the old krogan's fucking lab. Killed everything inside...Okeer, his plants, a few small rodents, whatever else. The tank was still intact, though. Called Joker for a pickup and left that goddamn world.

Yup, that's it...

_Murmur_.

When I opened the tank? Well before I did that, we all got back to the ship and showered right fucking away. Had a good shower fuck with Jackie, she was good. _Real_ good. Yeah, Jackie, she was quite the woman... Even grew her hair out for me. Hah...

_Shepard pauses_.

Oh, yeah... Um, so the tank, yeah Grunt's tank, got stored in one of the cargo bays. How it got in there, I will never know. Magic? Suspension of disbelief? Yes, Pully, don't look surprised. I know what that means you fucker. Grunt, he's in this goddamn tank. I open it, say hi to him. He gets mad, blah blah, I proved how fucking badass I was by holding a pistol to his stomach while shaking his hand with the other. Ended up being his Battlemaster. Johnny the Battlemaster...I told you that I was that before!

_Interviewer questions_.

Yeah, he was ready for the ride. He just wanted to fight...another kindred spirit. Goddamn genetic freak krogan, but if he wanted to fight, I'm for it. That's what I was on this mission for...to fight the Collectors. The more the merrier, right? And I was itching for some Collector blood. Wanted it coming off my hands, to see what they looked like, the noises they made.

To see if they scream.

We got the call from Mr. Illusive about Horizon...apparently I was going to fight the Collectors, kill some goddamn mother fucking asshole bug shit Collectors.

Headed for the relay right away...I wasn't waiting for anything.

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><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading. A shame about I'll Have Another dropping out of the Belmont. Focus on the Euro Cup now!_

_I'm thinking about putting a Friday update out this week. Anybody up for it?_


	19. The Four Horsemen

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon, but will follow the general story. See Chapter 15 and 16 for an explanation._

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Any thoughts are welcome. Thank you, and enjoy._

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware. Thank you very, very much to Stnemele for all the help and to Loteva for the consistent reviews!_

* * *

><p>So the lead, Pully, was some backwater colony world called Horizon. This Horizon place, our biggest lead on the Collectors up to that point. I wanted some goddamn payback because they did fucking kill me. I couldn't get there fucking fast enough. Pully, you'd want some revenge on the guys that killed you and destroyed your ship right?<p>

_Answer_.

Ah, yeah I guess you haven't _died_ before. Well, put yourself in my shoes. Impossible, I know, but try. You'd want revenge as soon as you could, trust me. I had a team with me and we were capable of some fucking damage.

The Illusive Man, he gives us information about Horizon going dark. In military terms that means that we weren't receiving any communication from the place, at all. Just wanted to let you know, Mr. Pulitzer. You've never been in a fight, wasn't sure if you would know that.

_A sigh and request for continuation_.

Yeah, yeah, before I get off track, right? Well, this place fit the bill for a Collector attack. Might as well go check it out, right? Turns out it was a pretty little place.

Horizon, nice little colony world similar to Eden Prime, actually… I still prefer the skyline of Vancouver, though. Fields and shit, they're nice, but nothing like the best city in the goddamn galaxy. But in it was the Terminus so what do you expect? The Alliance barely paid attention so there wasn't much to build with... Fucking living on a colony world would suck, it really would. Nothing to do except get fucking attacked by robots, batarians, fucking asshole turians...

But, Horizon was really a damn perfect target for _any _sort of attack. Hell, if I was a fucking merc, pirate, whatever, I would have hit that place in a heartbeat. The colonists weren't exactly well off, but there's always something to take. No defenses, just out on their own... I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did. Collectors got to the place before any pirates could, I suppose.

When we were on No Progress a few weeks prior…wow, probably a month and a half actually…the quarian said something about swarms. I guess these little bugs fly around and paralyze people leaving you ripe for the picking. Mordin, being the fucking genius that he was, worked up some anti-Collector swarm magic stuff, mad scientist shit. The guy kept calling it a "counter-measure." I have no idea what that fucking meant. All I know is I put on my armor and I was supposed to be safe from the swarms. Wore my helmet, just in case...

_Comment_.

Yeah, always wear a helmet!

When we got in system, the _SR-2_'s stealth systems went on right away. We read a giant fucking ship, bigger than fucking Sovereign, parked on the planet near the largest settlement. Time to fucking rock. I got pumped right away. Blood was going, took some Hallex to get me pumped… Jackie took some with me, it was nice having a Hallex buddy.

But the Collectors, they were so close. In system. We could've shot them if we wanted... Well if we had the firepower, I mean. Just fighting distance…all the human crew was excited for a fight, they wanted some payback, too. I overheard a few of the lesser crew members bitching about how their cousin, their brother's friend's daughter's husband got taken by the fucking bugs. Hey, just assume they're fucking dead. Think about revenge not saving them. Ended up as gray much, anyway... But, before we landed, we "employed" Mordin's "counter-measure" and we took the Kodiak down. We all went on this one, separate squads.

Taylor, he stuck with the Kodiak since that was sort of his baby. And he was a pussy... "I'm a biotic!" Goddamn, that guy was the fucking worst. He couldn't do shit, just cleaned our goddamn weapons. Classic case of Cerberus quality troopers... Enough about Taylor, though.

I had Kasumi and Mordin stay with Taylor on the drop ship, protecting our backs if the shit really hit the fan. If a bunch of goddamn giant bug stompers showed up, I wanted some fucking backup. My ground team was fucking badass; Garrus was there, of course. Almost always had my 2nd in command next to me. Grunt and Jackie came with, purely 'cause of the fire power. I had a little chat with Grunt, he seemed stable enough to go out and fuck things up. Wasn't wrong about that little bit of info... He definitely fucked shit up. Jackie was a beautiful wrecking ball and I want that hot piece of ass next to me.

_Shepard smirks_.

And, umm... Lawson, she stayed with the ship, again. I need someone in command up there. Not keeping goddamn Joker in charge. That guy gets people killed.

So Pully, if there's a movie, here's the plan, the scene. You ready?

_Interviewer replies, encourages a continuation_.

Let's set it: four badasses, one scarred turian, a scary looking krogan mutant, tatted up woman with short hair glowing blue, and one badass motherfucker named Johnny Shepard. The grass is waving in the breeze…blue skies with thunder clouds in the distance. Pre-fab shelters surround them... A giant rock covered ship looms in the distance. Swarms of small bugs circle the group, but don't notice them. The anti-bug formula has worked…

Ha ha ha, I should be a goddamn screenwriter! Damnit, it's like my goddamn story could be mass produced. Make a vid, hell an Extranet game out of it! Shit, Mr. Pulitzer, I'll even sign off the rights for it to you…I got no one else anyway.

_Surprised question_.

Fuck you, I'm not getting into that. It'll all come in good fucking time, okay?

So, we're off, the four horsemen of the goddamn apocalypse… damn, that's a good fucking nickname… going to figure shit out. I was really pissed off when we didn't get to fight right away. Got to walk around the place; boring like the Citadel except for how damn creepy the place was. Hot coffee on the tables, vid screens still on, it was like… well it just looked like everyone just got up and left. Clothes on beds like a woman was in the middle of changing, which I would've liked to see judging by her pictures, tools still running on a workbench. Just fucked up…ghost town and I'm damn scared of ghosts…

Fuck, just admitted a fear, not so tough anymore? Ha ha, who the hell likes ghosts, though? Nothing like dead people to haunt your goddamn dreams… Widow pops up occasionaly during the nightmares, Williams yelling at me, that fat batarian on Torf... Hey, cut that...I don't fucking dream.

Get rid of it, Pully...

_A dark look crosses Shepard's face as the interviewer agrees to the cut_.

Yeah, you better... The ghost town, damn creepy. We found some colonists, they were locked in a stasis field. Their eyes, they were following us… Didn't go over well with Jackie. "Fuck you, assholes, what're you staring at?" Made us all laugh. Just ignored the people after that comment. Onward and upward, right?

I was getting bored…no fighting, just confused. Where _was _everybody? Then we hear a buzzing. Like a locust back on Earth…and I know what locusts are, too. Buzzzzzzzzz coming from the air. I grinned, Garrus laughed, and Grunt just pounded his fists... We all knew what was coming. Up over the pre-fab units comes a bunch of the bugs and we got to see the Collectors first hand. About as tall as an average human, small wings, four eyes on either side of the head. Almost like husks, though…

I called dibs on the first. Johnny's biotic charge into the first one lifted the roach up in the air, shotgun to the chest. Yellowish-green blood popped out. A new one for me, I was expecting red or purple. Normal blood colors, you know.

Whipped around, biotic punch to the head of a second, smack through the center of the face. Splat, now I'm sticky. Two.

Garrus opens up, taking cover from their beam weapons. Little red lasers, like a miniature version of the giant Collector ship beams that got the first _Normandy_. Fucked up your barriers, shields, whatever, really fast. I look over at Jackie, she's throwing shit everywhere, doing _teamwork_ with Grunt. Fucking shocked right there. For every person she tossed up, Grunt would fire one shot. Points for assists, right?

Mr. Grunt, he was damn good with the shotgun and it's attachment, the carnage shot. Blew the fucking things up in a cloud of green, brown, and yellow. Collector blood was damn strange. After my third kill, I just sat back and watched. Leaned up against the wall and watched my team work…badasses, the Illusive Fuck chose well. Garrus was surgical like always, Jack a biotic wrecking-ball, Grunt a fucking krogan beast. Better than Wrex, in my opinion. He didn't know self control…the perfect soldier. I should know…

While the other three horsemen fought the fucking bugs, I got the privilege of taking down a few of the husks that were thrown at us. I had some fun with them, knocked 'em back with my biotics so I could take them one on one. Shot out their legs, the lifeless assholes kept crawling. Stomp! Gooey boot now, but satisfying. Fucking sick…sick as in "awesome" not as in "I want to throw up." Just wanted to clarify, Pully. You'd probably vomit all over the fucking place. Get it all over your suit...at least you aren't quarian. Judging by Tali, any liquid shit inside their suits is a fucking mess.

Wait a minute, Pully, how did she...change? I mean, on the ship she wasn't exactly in a clean place. With me walking around she would've fucking had, what, a trillion germs? And she _had_ to sweat during the fights. Holy shit, she must have fucking reeked. Damnit, Garrus likes 'em dirty. Fuck, for being such a goddamn clean species, the quarians must be fucking awful without their suits... If a fucking human doesn't take a shower for three days starts stinking, can you imagine what the quarians smell like? Holy shit, what a terrible goddamn race...

_The interviewer interrupts_.

Goddamn, Pully. I'm just thinking out loud, okay? Shit... Fine, fine, Horizon.

I took care of the husks easy, Jackie and my other guys did just as well. We lost radio contact with the _Normandy_ and the Kodiak team. Radios are a bit important so we had to find a radio tower, some shit, I don't know, it was Garrus's idea. He was always the smart one in our wonderful wrecking crew. So, once again, onward and upward!

_A sigh_.

Ah, good times... More Collectors, though, my Rage set in. And it was damn fun to hear the crunch. It was _fun_. Bug armor makes a distinct crunch when breaking it…gave me the good kind of chills. Smash, bang, _crunch_. Simple take downs. Slamming some up against the buildings, taking off body parts…no screams so I guess they couldn't? Their eyes were dull, like a husk's though. Maybe they couldn't feel pain? Eh, still damn cool crunching them up.

Squeezed a few, biotically, lifted and slammed some others. Nose bleed… charge, Collector insides, and then a fucking new bad guy.

Then, this one, it growls "Assuming direct control!" The fucking roach started glowing and using a weird version of biotics. I was goddamn baffled, what the hell does that mean and what the hell happened, right?

_Question from the interviewer_.

Yeah, turns out it was a goddamn _Reaper_, Harbinger, taking over the bodies of some of the bugs. Like a super Indoctrination. Made those fuckers more powerful, shooting energy balls or something. Johnny Shepard actually had to take cover! The voice, it was an effort to scare me or something. Demoralize, whatever…no effect on this guy though!

_Another smirk_.

I took the Direct Control fuckers down just like any other Collector. Damn difficult, but we did it. Just get the Horsemen to concentrate on one, we're solid. Fucking thing evaporated then…wild.

The rest of the fight was a rinse, repeat. Came across some super husks, like the bad guys mashed a bunch together. I won't lie, that was a bit creepy. Nothing like taking a human corpse, smashing it together with others, strapping a cannon on it's back, and having it walk around. Bizarre. Slow as all hell, though, so damn easy to take down. Fucking Collectors, Reapers, they made some weird goddamn monsters. Seriously, it was like they just dug into a bag of body parts and mushed 'em together…

_Interviewer asks a question_.

No, I said it before, it didn't intimidate me. I saw some of the other pussy team members get nervous. Taylor got a bit jumpy, Kasumi and Lawson took the Collector monsters... poorly. Little yelps and shit…ha, reminds me of everyone's responses to the Reaper fucks. The batarian Cannibals, turian Marauders… Yeah, fucking pussies. I bet you screamed the first time you saw one, Mr. Pulitzer.

Ha ha ha, look at your face. You're goddamn embarrassed! It's okay, Pully, we all know you're a artsy fucker. Nothing to be ashamed of other than the gaping vagina where your penis should be. Shit, you're the ugliest goddamn woman I've ever seen… Ha ha ha...

_The interviewer sighs_.

It's a goddamn joke, Pully, chill the fuck out. You wouldn't have that sorry excuse for a beard if you were a fucking lady. And you'd have some boobs, too…they're important. Motor-boating son of a bitch.

_A chuckle from the interviewer_.

There you go! Go ahead, have a good time. Once in a lifetime opportunity you have here. You get a one on one with Johnny Goddamn Shepard! Enjoy this shit, you're the only one who gets to tell this fucking story... But, back to Horizon!

Searching for the radio tower, fighting Collectors, fighting Assuming Control fuckers…the further we got, the less stasis people we found. They took the colonists, must have loaded them onto the ship. They were _quick_. Efficient, knew their jobs, got shit done. If they Alliance would work the way the Collectors did, we'd be the number one goddamn species in the whole galaxy… But, noooo, we have shitty fucking rules…

Fucking Alliance…

But Horizon, we eventually get to the radio tower. We turn it on, mission over, right? Of course not, you fucking idiot, more fighting because why the hell not? Our reliable AI, sarcasm, it fucking turns on some cannons to scare the Collector ship off. Good idea for a goddamn computer... We had to guard the station while it warmed up or some shit. Great fucking gun, ha, wish there was a massive thermal clip to shove in it. Save me some goddamn ammo. Heh, shove it in...

_Exhasperated comment_.

Mr. Pulitzer, shut up. Typical battle here, a hold your ground shit. "Hold the line!" if Kirrahe was there. Did you know Mordin knew that guy? Apparently they were good friends… STG must stay close I guess.

Anyway, our fight went quick. More Assume Control dickbags, a few husks, mostly Collector drones. They did throw this one…thing at us. I don't even know how to describe it. One missile launcher burst it into a billion fucking pieces, Bongo style. Grunt looked damn pleased, Jackie never looked sexier, and fucking Garrus had shit on his armor. Brilliant.

_A smile_.

Yeah, that was a good day. The Collector ship retreats, the end. I was about the leave that planet when goddamn Alenko showed up.

_Interviewer questions_.

Why was he there? I don't fucking know…all he said was "protecting the colony" or some shit. Ha, nice goddamn job, Kaidan. You let half the fucking colonists get kidnapped by bugs. Yeah, I thought I taught him better than that. He starts spouting off about Cerberus being dicks and then how I'm an asshole. What the fuck ever, bud. Socked him in the face and left the fucker bleeding on the ground. It was time to go. No more fight there, I got to face the Collectors, we had a good time.

_Earnest question_.

Nah, I don't really care. Alenko was Alenko. He manned up later...

More importantly, though, I got to find out who the dream team was... The Four Horsemen.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading. This update is a little treat for everyone. I'll be back on the normal schedule (Tuesdays) next week. Once again, _"Deliving Into Hell" _by Stnemele is great...check it out. I also found a new piece, _"Forgetting Lasts So Long"_ by Aerecura_. _Go read it, and tell her I sent you!_

_You know what's embarrassing? This has less reviews (and less views) than the poorly written _"Omg, i got dropped itno masseffact wat do i do?"_ stories on this site. People like Mary Sue's better than Johnny. (sad face) Where's the love?_

_Have a fantastic weekend, everyone! I get to cover the weekend phone, so enjoy it for me._

_And, for anyone saying "This fic deserves more attention," spread the word. Leave reviews. Favorite, follow, and tell your friends. You have no idea how much Johnny...I mean...yeah, I mean myself would appreciate it!_


	20. Suity and Sterile

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story. (Alliance - Collectors - Reapers)_

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Any thoughts are welcome. Thank you, and enjoy._

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware. Thanks to Stnemele, as always!_

* * *

><p>So the Horsemen, we were badass. After Horizon, though, I had the team do a few "errands" for me, to make some credits. There was always at least one Horseman there, whether it be me, Garrus, Jackie, sometimes even Grunt. I liked to chill the fuck out since Hallex was fun, so I just hung around the ship. Zipping around the Terminus, just waiting for some goddamn leads. The Illusive Fuck was slow to give some. I was getting goddamn bored so it was little side things here and there, raided a couple of pirate bases. Slaughtered a few gangs, the typical shit. Fun practice with my new meat-shields, ha. But, I wanted more guys on my ship if we were going to chase the Collectors through the Omega Four relay…<p>

_Question_.

The Omega Four relay…um, you know the one that "no one has ever returned from." It's right next to goddamn Omega. It's fucking _red_. Seriously, Pully, the fuck? Research… We had to go through there because the Collector home world was probably through there. Some people were calling it a suicide mission. Fuck that, Johnny was gonna be the first guy to come back from that goddamn relay. That was the whole point of this operation, trying to get through that relay.

Shit, Pully, your stupidity gets me off track, again. You keep saying you want my daily fucking life, so here it is and you interrupt. Goddamn…

It was a few weeks, doing odd jobs, making a shit ton of credits. On any populated world Lawson would go out with Taylor and get intel, whatever. Kasumi would always come back with something: drugs, alcohol, money, fucking books. She had quite the lounge set up in the port observation deck on the _SR-2_. A nice bar, good place to fucking chill. I preferred Jackie's area though. There was more goddamn privacy for some of the...let's go with shady activities. We'd get high down there, fuck, the usual. Nice change of pace from Lawson upstairs. Stopped fucking her ass…and I mean fucking her ass…damn quick. Such a goddamn raging bitch. Tried Chambers for a bit, she was just so goddamn peppy it pissed me off. Stuck with Jackie, though, she was fun...liked her for some reason. We had good times... Reminded me of the Reds...

Fuck. Never mind...back to the _Normandy_. I don't want to talk about her, okay?

_Interviewer comments_.

Fuck you, Pully. No talking. Past is the past, as they say. Who's they? I don't fucking know, just they. Fuck...

_Shepard hesitates_.

Damnit... SR-2... Yeah. I mean, the _Normandy _wasn't different from any other ship. Everyone had their thing; Mordin loved his science lab but would go down and chat with Chakwas. Taylor and Garrus, they liked Joker so they'd chill with him in the cockpit. Lawson did her reports, locked away in her room. I relaxed in my fucking awesome cabin, trying to figure out why there was a goddamn fish tank up there. Just the normal stuff…

_Excited question and request_.

God damn, Mr. Goddamn Pulitzer! Fine, the AI. We called it "EDI." Probably an argronym for Electronic Device Intermission…I don't fucking know. Good at cyber-warfare, whatever that was, monitored ship activities…I'm not a computer guy. Go ask Traynor or someone, they'd know more. I just shoot the goddamn guns. Is that enough for you? I know you wanted your goddamn scoop…

_A sigh from the interviewer_.

It, she, whatever, was a blue orb. Talked strategy, it was pretty much just a computer nerd. Did help a lot, but I'm not counting a fucking computer as a part of any crew. Maybe when it got her body it helped a little bit...nah, fuck that. She sucked. I mean _it _sucked.

Anyway... fuck, I've lost myself. Umm, we're doing side stuff... Oh! Okay, we got information from Illusive Dick, something about a quarian team in geth space. Guess who their leader was? Tali Mother Fucking Zorah! Honestly didn't think I'd see her again after No Progress. She was pinned somewhere, looking at artifacts and geth parts. Figured I'd go pick her up, try to bring her on my "adventure." She did it before, why not again? Just because Alenko decided to be an Alliance bitch for a few more years didn't mean the gypsy would stick with her fleet. Johnny Shepard is more exciting, anyway.

And the little thing would get her Garrus fix. She fucking loved that guy.

_Comment_.

Yeah, they hooked up. Adorable couple... He was using her as stress release, though... She didn't know that. She thought it was love since she never got anything before. But damn, fucking Tali got herself into a pickle again. Yeah, I said pickle. Funny ass word. Tali, though...

Didn't realize until halfway through the fucking recruitment that it was a goddamn rescue mission, again. Damsel in fucking distress no matter how many shotguns she had. We land on this planet, Hamstrom I think, time to fucking rock.

_Interviewer corrects Shepard_.

Oh, what the fuck ever! Goddamn, do the planets really matter? Half of them are wastelands to start with, the other half got bombed to shit. Fuck... Mr. Pulitzer, get your panties out of their goddamn bunch. Chill out... If you keep correcting me I'm going to freak the fuck out. I'm trying to tell my goddamn story and you're talking about photonics? Phonertics? Phonetics? I fucking _hate _you right now...

_Interviewer comments_.

No, I won't calm down! Shut the fuck up and let me talk, god damnit! Shit...

_A sigh_.

Damn... Okay, _Haestrom_. Funny thing about this system, the star was acting all wild. Seemed it was going to go supernova soon, but the timing was way off. I'm no scientist, though. Stars last, what, a million years? Thousand? Goddamn, I'm so pissed off...

_Comment and correction_.

Billion? Didn't teach that in the Reds. Go figure...

So this one was fucking weird. Spouting off all kinds of radiation, it was gonna burn up our shields and armor if we stayed in the sun too long. It was like a super sunburn, the kind that kills you if you get too much. Radiation sickness _sucks_, Pully; we all got a bit of it after that trip. Well, except for Tali and Garrus. I should say that the humans got sick.

Jackie didn't wear armor so she had to stay up in the ship. Needless to say, she got restless. Used the cargo bay as a fucking workout zone or some shit. Threw boxes around, whatever. Kasumi stayed up in the ship, too...the hood didn't do much to protect from radiation. So it was the armor wearers for this trip. Johnny, Grunt, Garrus... Goddamn Taylor, too. He wore his armor, had protection and shit. Pissed me off that he had to come, but meat-shields are fucking meat-shields.

So three horsemen and a fucking...something shitty. I don't fucking know...

_Interruption from the interviewer_.

Lawson? Fuck her. I kept her on the ship, she didn't want to get dirty anyway. She knew her place... it was behind the desk. I didn't bring her anywhere.

Don't interrupt me, Pully... Fuck, do I have to talk about this? It was just goddamn geth, again. Same old shit, different place. Instead of Wrex, I had Grunt. Instead of Alenko, I had shitty ass Taylor. Seriously, straight out of the fucking Therum mission back chasing Saren. The payout was better this time, but fuck! Instead of volcanoes it was a goddamn super nova star. Just barreled on through some geth.

_Comment_.

Yeah, Taylor and Alenko were pretty much the same fucking person. Alliance guys, both mild biotics, both all about morals. Alenko was better, yeah. Got him to be more ruthless, more powerful. A better teammate. Fuck Taylor...kept him around because I needed as many bodies for my Omega Four trip as a I could. So he came with on the Tali trip because backup is fucking backup... Remember, I'm no fucking Nihlus.

The quarians, they were "helping" Tali get data for her fucking stupid fleet. Apparently she got some geth parts, looking for weapons, I don't know. Trapped herself somewhere; typical fucking Tali. _But_ she did know how to deploy her troops right. Pretty much just built a wall of bodies around her. Taught her well, I suppose. I guess someone other than Garrus was paying attention...

Tali, she barricaded herself in some room way back in the ruins. Oh, by the way, quarian ruins are crazy. Not all suity and sterile...real buildings. _Really _old. Reminds you of the old Greek shit back on Earth. The stuff you see in vids, the ones about Achilles and stuff. That was always my favorite, Achilles. The best warrior, the ultimate fighter. Johnny without guns...

_Question_.

Yeah, the heel... Yeah, umm, I don't have a goddamn weakness, though. Johnny Fucking Shepard doesn't have a goddamn Achilles heel. You can't shoot me anywhere and kill me. Ha ha, I suppose getting spaced is a weakness...working on that, though.

_A smirk_.

Anyway, quarian ruins. Took a ton of fucking hits chasing my gypsy buddy. The radiation didn't help... Powered through it, though. Tali deployed her troops to protect her back, she knew that they were fucked. She Torfan-ed their asses, sacrificing them to get the job done. Ha, the suited bubble boys didn't know it, but they were goddamn cannon fodder. Heh, I might have blown some up, but keep that quiet. The rest of the quarians wouldn't be happy. Neither was fucking Imabiotic. Taylor was not pleased when my collateral damage happened to be our "allies." Did the asshole forget what happened on Progress? Those guys were expendable.

"Shepard, we should save people fuckity, fuck fuck." That's Taylor in a nutshell. Not willing to do what is necessary, trying to be everyone's friend. Bet he wanted to hug the geth to death...heh, rhyming.

We don't hug bad guys, though. We fucking shoot them. There were a few quarians running around, peppering the big geth. There was a cluster of them close together. Missile launcher on my back, ready to go. Plunk, plunk, two shots go out... _Boom_! I get a cloud of geth insides, microchips, whatever. Some quarians got caught, too, but losses are losses. Would've done the same thing with huma...wait, nevermind. Maybe that was a bit of quarian...dislike...coming through. Ha ha, subtle racism? They deserve it...goddamn gypsies. Went splat, too, so a nice change of pace from the geth.

That's when Taylor bitched. I sent him back to the goddamn shuttle, I was so goddamn pissed off. Fuck him, if he's going to be a dick you ain't coming with Johnny. Kept him on the sidelines from then on out. He cleaned our guns, had a use for a while, just stayed away from the self righteous piece of shit... The _only _crew member that had a problem with collateral. Hell, even Lawson didn't care. She got all bitchy after I stopped fucking her so I guess that was her way of coping. Bitch...

Grunt and Garrus, they both didn't mind the collateral. Made their own...

_Murmur_.

Yeah, my proteges. I told you this before, Pully. I was like Grunts goddamn dad, though...

Hailstorm! Duck, biotic charge, shoulder to the chest of a trooper, turn shotgun, minus one flashlight. Duck, charge, tear a head off with my biotics. Pumping, now. The radiation was fucking oppressive, like a really humid day on Earth. I kept getting caught out in the sun. Made me weaker but I didn't notice till later. Jumped up on a ramp, shot two rocket troopers taking pot shots at us. Garrus was in the shadows being his good old efficient self. Grunt was shooting shut up, charging. He didn't have to worry about the radiation as much as myself. I could feel the shields sizzling, the armor on my back getting a little thinner...

Did my fucking fighting dance through the geth, kept fighting through. A blur, like normal. I think we had some explosives...may have crushed a few quarians with some rubble, ha ha ha. Fought a fucking Armature, too. Big mother fuckers, dispatched easily with a missile launcher when you're up close. Fucking charged across the field, let my other horsemen do their damage, fucking Taylor came over in the Kodiak and mowed down a few with it's guns. Pussy wouldn't fight face to face with the robots. And he kept being timid around any quarians left, even though they all had goddamn suit breaches. What a damn puss.

The Armature, I got, what, thirty feet away? Decided to shoot it with the missile launcher...dumb fucking idea, Johnny. Hit it twice, blew it the fuck up right away... Also happened to send me flying through the air. My armor was already fucked up, now I smash into a fucking wall as hard as I could. Hurt, dazed, nosebleed, radiation poisoned, fucked up. Passed the fuck out because I was down, won't lie... Dunno what happened next. Something with Garrus and Tali...

Garrus did the rest of the recruiting for me, cleaned up the geth, convinced Tali to join us, and she left her people behind. He could get her to do anything. Tricky mother fucker and I guess Tal liked scars. Reach and flexibility, am I right?

_Confused comment_.

Oh, I guess you had to be there. Didn't get the joke, eh?

You see, Garrus, he had the _reach_ and Tali was _flexible_. I'm talking about sex, Pully. _Normandy_ inside joke, I suppose. Jackie, she had some damn awesome flexibility. And fucking a biotic? You can do some nasty shit with that...gets me hard just thinking about it. I'm grinning like a fucking idiot, aren't I? Heh...

_A sigh from the interviewer_.

Okay, okay, chill out. I dunno if any quarians got off that rock...we left them with no help so I guess they died. Tali thought we would send support...nope, that never happened. Did she even know who I was? What Cerberus was? Yeah, we're going to help some goddamn bubble boys. So fucking naive...

_Interviewer murmurs_.

Yeah, she didn't know a lot of things about Cerberus. Experiments on quarians on their fucking pilgrimage trips, messing with genes... Oh shit, she did find out about the AI...oh boy, that was fun. The girl, she freaked the fuck out. "Shepard, how can you trust it, blah blah." I didn't trust it; I used it. EDI was a goddamn tool. But Tali, she locked EDI out from all of her stations, private shit...damn funny. Big old "eh" from me. I was fucked up from the little rescue so I couldn't have cared less. Just laid in my room for a few days, took some pills from Chakwas. I was high as a fucking kite. Brilliant. Jackie stopped by, we had some fun. I took a week off, we'll go with that. I let Garrus play Spectre for a few days. I think he made a stop in Omega for some resupply and "recreation." Rented a decon room..

_Question_.

Decon room? Decontamination room...quarians use it for getting out of their suits. Garrus and Tali, they fucked in it. Had one on Illium, too. Well, I think...they disappeared for a few hours the one day... Oh, speaking of Illium...

Fucking high off painkillers when the Illusive Man called about Illium, too. Hazy... apparently I expressed my...frustration in having to see goddamn T'soni, again. May have called him Bantha Poodoo or something. Don't know what that means, but I said it.

But, T'soni. I was unhappy to go see her again... Remember, the last time I saw her she was a shit biotic. I had no idea what she turned into after my unfortunate "death..."

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><p><em>AN: Thanks for readying, everybody! Sorry about the "slow" chapter...geth are boring to write. And "argronym" was on purpose. For the future, all mispelled Johnny words are on purpose. Who ever said Shepard was smart?_

_No Friday update this week. There's a bit of a big weekend coming up..._


	21. Oh, Blue Rose of Illium

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story._

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Any thoughts are welcome. Thank you, and enjoy._

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware. Thanks to stnemele._

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><p>Illium, Illium...and one more time, fucking Illium. Nice as the Citadel on the surface, skeezy as Omega underneath. Skyscrapers like back on Earth, booming stock trading, crazy drug traffic, and as much corruption as you'll ever find. More than Noveria, and that's saying something. We went there because two dossiers mentioned an assassin and a Justicar on the planet. Exciting fucking place, some quality hookers, too. Jackie liked the three-somes. Had her hair grown out, banging in back alleys, yeah. Shit, she was fucking wonderful... Sometimes I wish...<p>

Shit, cut that, Mr. Pulitzer. Cut it, cut it. Fuck, start over. We're on Illium.

Illium, chasing a Justicar and an assassin. Neat little dossiers. From The Illusive Fuck. Nice city, yeah. Hookers, drugs, slutty chicks in the bars, and suits. Lots of suits. Damn, I wanted to stroll through the place and slaughter fucking all of them. Make them beg... They were like the assholes from the Reds, that guy Hock... all a bunch of pussies. Thought they were criminals, but none of them never did the work for themselves, though. Damnit, I should've killed 'em all. Oh, can't forget the fucking asari, too. The blue things were everywhere.

When we got to Illium, T'soni calls for me right away. I was damn confused because I didn't know how the fuck she would be in a position to demand shit like that. People were acting like it was _her _docking bay, docking port, whatever. The Doctor actually had people working for her. Listened around, found out that she was some sort of information broker. I'm not doing any fucking detective work. Sex and guns, that's Johnny's way. I'll let someone else detective shit up.

_Question from the interviewer_.

Yeah, yeah, I went to see her eventually. There wasn't any urgency. Colonies were going to be taken, we hurt the Collectors at Horizon, anyway. Gave everyone a shore leave...the crew was getting stir crazy and I was fucking tired of the goddamn complaining. Should've spaced them, but someone needs to press the blinking buttons on a ship. I don't know what half that shit even is. Thrusters, exhaust ports, cannons, no fucking clue. Tali had said something about upgrading our power core thing so our shields could handle more abuse. I figured we'd be on Illium for a while so why the fuck not? Garrus got his cannon, too. I knew he wanted that for weeks. Couldn't have attached my _cannon_ 'cause that only works on the women... Heyo!

_A sigh_.

Oh, shut up. So Illium, fucking bars and fucking drugs. That's how my team rolled the first night. I put off the T'soni meeting for a day. Ha, I said my name, got everything free. No one wants to fuck with a scarred-up guy claiming to be Shepard, and a friend of the feared Director T'soni. I'm going to assume she was a director...it sounds cooler than whatever she actually was.

Grunt was a powerhouse at the bar...Garrus disappeared with Tali. You know what they did. Yeaaaaahhh, way to go guy! Used her hard...

_An interruption_.

Loved her? Nah... well... Yeah, I guess he did like her. Heh, I don't know when it went from "using" to "loving."

Anyway, Taylor pussied out and sulked because I was having _fun _for once instead of saving the goddamn colonies. Lawson actually got out and wrote up some sex contract...weird shit, right?

Anyway, we had a good fucking time. Hungover as fuck because of the wild night. Woke up in a hotel room next to Jackie with two strangers. Sexy tarts, nice tits. Gave 'em a quickie before I left to meet T'soni... I was in and out. Forgot a conny that time so I hope they were on the pill! Ha, there might be some mini-Sheps out there... Raised by whores! And their dad was in the military. Wow, I hope they're both named John, too...

_Comment_.

I wouldn't have a girl. My sperm is too goddamn manly for that. You wouldn't want me to have kids. They're be fucking monsters...

_Question_.

If they didn't have biotics, they'd get eezo exposure damn quick.

_Another question_.

Who cares if it could kill them? I'd just have another little monster, if I really wanted. But I'm not getting attached to any goddamn kids.

_Disgust from the interviewer_.

Fuck you, Pully. Shut the fuck up, you goddamn asked.

_Interviewer urges Shepard back on track_.

Fine. Fucking asshole, Illium. I go to visit T'soni because I needed something. What the fuck ever. Brought Mordin and Garrus along for the ride, we were just shitting around anyway. Me and Garrus, we expected this timid asari to pop out and hug us or some shit. Errr, wrong!

I walk into her goddamn office to "...if you cross me again, I'll flay you alive with my mind..." Jaw dropped to the fucking floor. Never thought I'd hear the fucking girl say that. Ever. Even I wouldn't fucking skin someone alive...did the scalping with Fist and that was too fucked up for the Butcher. That's quite a fucking threat and the way she said it... T'soni _definitely_ would have done it. Damn sick. We all enjoy some blood, but shit...

The good Doctor, she turns around and just fucking glances at me. "Shepard..." like it was no big deal. Like my death didn't happen. Everyone up till then had at least shown a little bit of surprise, but fucking Liara...took it like a boss. She was all business, cut to the chase. Knew that I was looking for the assassin, Krios, and the Justicar who was wreaking havoc. Told me where to go, who to see, information... She shook my hand, said "nice to see you," then went back to business. Wild, right?

_Comment from the interviewer_.

I guess my death couldn't made her more clinical or something. Never really got the feeling she _liked _me; maybe the Doctor learned? Another goddamn protege... Garrus was damn impressed, Mordin started chattering about how she wasn't what he expected. Never could keep track of that guy.

So let's see... We went after Krios, the assassin, first. I figured a sneaky fast guy would be useful. We already had ten fucking biotics anyway. Jackie and I were plenty and the Cerberus fucks were half biotics. Who fucking cares? You can slam someone to the ground. Imabiotic Taylor. "I can pull things like a big boy." Fuck. That. Guy. Just another fucking gun, another fucking grunt. Blind follower for a while, too...

But the assassin, we had to storm some tower because he was making a hit. He would've disappeared after the kill so race to the top of the tower, right? Sure, it makes some sort of sense if you don't think about it. Fucking place was crawling with umm, Eclipse? Yeah, they were wearing yellow. Eclipse assholes...

Took two teams that day, one as a distraction, one with me. Garrus led the distraction with Jackie, Taylor and Mordin... I knew my two horsemen would work well and I just didn't want to see Jacob's ugly fucking face. I had Grunt, Tali, and Lawson on my end; two horsemen and some support. I don't know where Kasumi was...stealing shit or something. Eh, who cares?

Boom, we go in with two cabs, land as violently as possible, crush a ton of LOKI mechs. Pile out, I get my first kill in two seconds... a fucking mech goes flying out a goddamn window. Is killing a LOKI _really_ a kill? Eh... Team Johnny, we fly forward into the tower. Team Garrus, they go around back to the other side. He did the tactics, I didn't fucking pay attention. Well, I kept track of his count, but that's just good old competition. Cleared the landing area damn quick, some salarian workers dead everywhere, but they're just salarians. They'd be dead in a year anyway...

_Murmur_.

No remorse, nope. They were dead, not my fault, who cares? Just dock workers...came across a few of them, coughing up blood, talking about how they were ambushed. Whatever they say, I just pushed them little guys out of the way and started shooting the door open. I don't have the patience to hack those shits...it's easier and just plain more fun to explode doors open. I think Tali gave some medi-gels to the hurt salarians. Eh, even though she was a good shot, still a bit naive. Don't know what Garrus saw in her. Probably an ass-man or something. I would've called dibs if she was human, ha ha.

But she wasn't. I'm not into aliens, Pully.

_Curious question_.

All aliens are the same...they all fuck over humanity, kill fucking family, the same old shit. There's a few aliens worth my time out there. All were on my team at some point...

Storming the tower, though...passed the salarian fuckers and got to fight some Eclipse... I was overdue for a fight with bad guys with organs. No big brawls after squishing the Collectors on Horizon. So fun times...

Biotic charge into two Eclipse grunts, took one by the throat and crushed his neck; the second got a shotgun shell through the face and blew his head clean off. Jumped a wall into number three and knocked him to the ground. The good kind of chills and _bam_ my boot had some gray shit on it. Fucking saw the terror in his buddy's eyes who was a few feet away, and threw the fucker out a window. Heard him scream and the end for him!

My squad, they open up about five seconds after number four. Tali let her little drone electrocute some guys, Grunt was _Wrexing _shit up, Lawson doing whatever the hell she did. I smelled the burnt flesh from the zaps Tali's drone was dishing out. Got my blood pumping more. Tunnel vision got me going, tuned everyone out.

An asari popped up, ripped her head tentacles out and then broke her neck. Took off a thug's arm with my bare hands and beat him with it. Biotic pushes into Grunt's shotgun. He was fucking biting people through their armor. Nasty sound, that crunch of teeth versus armor... I guess the "perfect" krogan has some sharp mother fucking teeth.

Raging, bleeding from a few knocks I took, biotics, shotgun, reload a thermal clip, biotic charges. Knock a guy over, shoot 'em while he's down. Tear a lady apart with my biotics, warp the shields off one guy and then slam him into another. Rule #17 of Johnny's Fighting Book: never stop moving if you're in the zone. Kill, blood splatter, blue and green and red. The fucking rainbow on my dark red armor...

_Comment_.

No, not because of the Reds. The color was the most intimidating. Fuck you, Pully, I was in the zone. What do colors matter anyway? You don't need the goddamn details. Fucking Garrus wore his blue, Lawson her white, what the fuck ever! Jackie hardly wore anything. You want to know colors? Fine... Sometimes Grunt wore orange and black, Kasumi red or purp...

_Interruption_.

Yeah, I told you you wouldn't want all those details. The sky was blue, the tower was white, blah fucking blah... So goddamn particular.

So...going after Krios...

_Question from the interviewer_.

Oh, some bitch named Dantius. Apparently she was one of the assholes back on the Citadel that wanted me to run a goddamn errand when I first got to the Citadel. How the fuck am I going to remember that nonsense? Shit though, apparently she was a shady fucking person. One of those suit criminals, the ones that don't get dirty. I would've killed her anyway...

_Shepard smirks_.

Okay, so we're in an elevator. I'm listening to the chatter from our second team, kept hearing goddamn explosions so I guess they were doing just fucking fantastic. We had to get to the top story and cross some bridge to get to Dantius and the assassin. That bridge was a fucking blast...

_Interviewer murmurs_.

Why was it fun? Damn, Sir Pulitzer, have you ever been on a sky bridge? You know how high up they are? How windy it is? Fuck, I was just tossing guys up in the air and they would fly thousands of fucking feet. Had to be hilarious to see all the bodies raining down. I wonder who the poor bastard was that had to clean it up... I didn't even use my fucking shotgun, it just sat on my back. Push, pulls, slams, throws, lifts... people flying everywhere. My nose was bleeding nasty, but who cares about that when you're having so much goddamn fun? I found out that the screams from someone falling fucking thousands of feet are just as satisfying as stepping on a krogan's spleen.

The four of us, we strolled across the bridge. Took out some turrets, threw the guards fucking everywhere, and next thing you know, we're right beneath the bitch's office. I radioed to the second team to hold back...didn't need them anymore. Heard 'em taking down a few stragglers. I actually saw the fucking Eclipse dicks try to surrender from a few floors up. Jackie and Garrus executed them on the spot...trained them well.

_A grin_.

So up we go to find our mystery assassin. Ha, walk into the room and that bitch, she's panicking. Thinks I'm there to kill her, offers me _twice _what my "employers" were paying me. Ha, if Krios would've have offed her, I would've taken that cash and fucking left. Krios killed her first, though. There goes that cash, eh? Ha, one fluid movement, he killed three guards and shot her once. Damn impressive...

_A question and Shepard pauses_.

You know what, I probably would have liked Thane if he never fucking talked. As soon as he opened his goddamn mouth I hated him. The lizard started a fucking _prayer_ after he killed his "target." Fuck prayer, it doesn't do anything. A bit of a facepalm there. Then he says he's dying...

I know for a fact I said "Are you fucking kidding me?" Why the hell was I there? Goddamn Illusive Fucker didn't share that detail...fuck, I get this sickly lizard man. Sure, he was all acrobatic and shit, but damnit... A sick guy? _Really_? Fuck...he volunteered to come with us after Tali took the reins and asked. I was too busy punching the goddamn wall.

A fucking sick guy...I recruited a _fucking sick lizard_. Ridiculous...

_Comment_.

Hell no he didn't come anywhere with me. Supported on a few occasions, but never with me. I kept the asshole in the fucking life support. I don't want him spreading his frog flu or something. Ha ha ha, I did like making him and Taylor talk to each other. They fucking _hated _each other... Shit, though... A sick lizard! Goddamn aliens, goddamn Illusive Fuck, fucking Illium. What a waste of a day. I guess he was useful, but we could've gone after the other dossier instead.

Somehow I'm _still _pissed off about that.

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><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading everyone! Reviews/Critiques are welcome... I'll be checking out the "_Extended Cut_" this evening (I guess I'm taking a break from Minecraft. It looks dumb, but then you build an island in the sky...GoogleFloobs on XBL, if anyone is interested.)_

_But bad news, everyone__. I will NOT be updating this Friday, next Tuesday, or the following Friday. Vacation this weekend and the 4th next week! Next chapter will be posted July 10th. Until then, may the Force be with you..._

_That was awful, wasn't it?_

_And, for anyone saying "This fic deserves more attention," spread the word. Leave reviews. Favorite, follow, and tell your friends. You have no idea how much Johnny...I mean...yeah, I mean myself would appreciate it!_


	22. The Hive

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon , but will follow the general story (Alliance - Collectors - Reapers)._

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Any thoughts are welcome (see my profile for my full rant on reviews...). Thank you, and enjoy. Thanks to stnemele for all the help! Check out "_Delving Into Hell."

Mass Effect_ is owned by Bioware._

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><p>Alright then… a broken lizard. Krios, he wasn't <em>that<em> bad. He was a pretty damn good assassin, had some nasty tricks up his sleeve. I have to admit, the attacks he used against Dantius, they were smooth, probably quicker than I could've done…and they were damn clean. Garrus clean…well old Garrus. Archangel was a bit messier, and he enjoyed it, too.

But enough about our buddy Garrus…we're chasing the Justicar now! T'soni tells us she's wreaking havoc in some district chasing some mercs. I don't fucking know, but it sounded like she was pretty damn badass. The _Normandy _already had an overload of biotics…figured it wouldn't hurt, though. Eclipse mercs were there, too. Mercs are fun to kill. Mowed through the fuckers…

_A smirk_.

I left most of the team behind on this little excursion. Figured they'd see the planet, fuck some bitches, the usual. Lawson, Taylor, and Krios stayed on the ship. Don't know what they did…I assume it was paperwork and cleaning guns…well that's what the Cerberus fucks usually did. No idea what the lizard did.

May be he meditated? Fucking always talking about his dead wife and fucking son. Complaining about family problems, at least the fucker _had_ a family. You know, most of the goddamn crew had something wrong with their families and all they did was bitch. Taylor, his pop ended up on some planet and wanted us to investigate; fuck that, you do it after the mission. Lawson, she had some sister being tracked by her dad. Again, fucking do that after we get the Collectors. Tali, her dad was doing some geth shit, fucking whatever. At least they fucking had fathers…

Fucking turians, fucking First Contact…you can't kill enough of them, I tell you what. Johnny Shepard lost his parents cause of that. They deserve what they fucking got.

_Shepard focuses elsewhere_.

Yeah, I'm talking to you, guard. Fuck you and your asshole species…goddamn plate fuckers. Birds, lizards, whatever…

_Interviewer murmurs_.

No, I won't calm down! Now you're just going to make me more pissed off…dick, you should understand what the turians did! They're fucking murderers, asshole aliens… _Fuck. Them_.

Not enough turians on goddamn Illium…Eclipse were mostly asari, some salarians. Human grunts in there, too. Probably Alliance washouts. This whole Justicar problem was their fault…I fixed that shit.

_Shepard relaxes_.

Whoa, so I brought the horsemen with me on this run. We hadn't had a blast for a bit, so let's go! Ha, blast, get it? Some cop tells us the Justicar is dishing out her version of revenge or something so we have to go find her? Nice police work…I have _never _come across a reasonable or capable cop…

_Comment_.

Garrus, he was no cop…fucking guy ditched that life as soon as Johnny showed up. I'm talking career C-Sec, career VPD…Vancouver Police Department. Even Bailey on the Citadel fucked up. These assholes on Illium, they weren't any different. So much goddamn corruption, so many goddamn suits, fucking mercs everywhere…fucking Aria took better care of Omega than the "law enforcement" on Illium. Laughable security, laughable ability. Remember how I said Noverian shitheads let _geth _onto the planet? Yeah, nice job coppers. Not a single legit oinker in the galaxy... When we found Samara, she had some shitty duty to stay with the police for a day. Hilarious how scared the cops were to have to detain a fucking Justicar…

_Interviewer asks a question_.

Samara? Oh, she was the Justicar. No last name, I thought that was strange. Hell, I technically don't have a last name…I'll never tell you! Ha! Who am I to judge someone for not using a second name? Maybe it was embarrassing like "Fucknugget" or "AssrapeMcGee." I'd change the shit out of those names…

By the way, if you're trying to guess what my name is, it's not fucking Johnny AssrapeMcGee. That'd be fucking stupid. Pully, I swear, you're a fucking idiot sometime…

_A sigh_.

Goddamn, Mr. Pulitzer, I'm fucking kidding! Shit…relax a bit, it's just a goddamn joke. Learn to laugh a bit. You told that donkey joke yesterday, that was fucking hilarious... Oh, shit, you know what else is hilarious? The fucking Justicar "Code." Pretty much says, "I do what I want you fucking assholes." Like a Spectre for the asari… A goddamn license to kill. Samara, she was crazy…pledged herself to me after we found some ship manifest. Had to blow through some bad guys first…

The Horsemen, we're flying down a hallway, looking for the leaders of this particular _wonderful_ branch of the Eclipse. Weak motherfuckers. They start crawling out of the walls when they hear me stomping down the goddamn street, buildings, whatever. Whip out the shotgun, tunnel vision, here…we…go!

Salarians and humans start shooting, nick my shields, took a piece of my thigh off…nothing major, though. Didn't stop my fucking charge, my Rage, my biotics. Boom, headshot! This lady's goddamn helmet exploded when me and Garrus her at the same fucking time. Damn pretty…Jackie, she's already yelling "I will destroy you!" and Grunt was just being Grunt. It was like a fucking thresher maw rolled through the Eclipse hideout. A goddamn thunderball... Blood all over the walls, all over us, even Garrus. Purple, green, and red blood flying everywhere. Some weird gas…oh shit, the same stuff back on Earth…it was fucking us up. Enhanced our biotics, but messed up our brains. Massive headaches for all of us, but Johnny keeps going.

We came across some Eclipse initiates, but they weren't any big deal. Running around with standard issue handguns, the ones that couldn't hurt a goddamn fly. Threw 'em out the windows. Snipers, I just charged across the room and knocked them down. Saw the utter fucking terror in their eyes as my boot came down on their weak little heads. If a mediocre asari adept showed up, I just shot down their shields, punched them in the gut, shotgun through the chest. Grunt, he was actually breaking mercs in half, Garrus surgical as always, Jackie crazy powerful...lucky she had those upgrades as a kid or else her amp would've overloaded. She didn't have to worry about the nosebleeds I got...

_Comment_.

Eh, who gives a shit about brain cells. Chakwas was always bitching about how I pushed myself too hard and how the headaches and shakes would go away if I mellowed out on the battlefield. I didn't think about that shit during a Rage and I really didn't...and still don't...care. You only live twice, ha ha, I'll die another day.

_A question from the interviewer_.

Yeah, Chakwas was always looking out for me...us? The crew in general I guess. She didn't approve of what I did, but she understood. Experienced woman, the doctor. Probably would've fucked her back in the day...not into the old pussy, though. Ha ha, I bet that fucker Joker tried it a few times. They were buddies...nah, pretty sure Chambers was banging the cripple. He would've been a bottom guy...didn't want to break his arms! Fucking asshole...

I broke some mercs arms, searching for this shit for the Justi...ugh, Samara. Guess I'll use her name. Some shipping manifest, whatever. We found it pretty damn quick, gave it to Samara and she was all happy. Or at least her version of it. Pledges some goddamn oath to me about serving me for helping her, I don't fucking know. Just as long as she could help me get the Collectors..._collect_ some revenge. Huh, haven't used that line yet...

Samara, she's ready to go really fast. Along for the ride as long as we chase down some criminal of her's. By the way, it definitely turned out to be her daughter...someone with more family problems...just a fucked up family tree. Goddamn Illusive Fuck managed to find all of the emotionally damaged badasses out there. Fucking assholes... If they would've known where I came from... They had it fucking _easy._

How many of them killed a man when they were goddamn fourteen? Got shot before eighteen? Were burned fucking alive? Got fucking _spaced_. The crew of the _Normandy_, none of them deserved my help. Fuck up the Collectors and then I'll help your fucking ass out. Made some exceptions for my favorites, but I wasn't happy about it.

But yeah...that was Illium, I guess. Had to get back to the chase, next.

It was about a day after we picked up Samara and the Illusive Man called...said a turian scout ship found a fucking Collector ship and disabled it. I knew that was horseshit from the start because there's no way a scout boat could knock that monster out. Went into it with both ears up and my eyes goddamn wide open. Told everyone to be fucking alert and ready to bolt when shit hit the fan...

_Interviewer comments_.

Oh, no way in hell that a scout ship could do anything. That ship, it was fucking kilometers long. Remember, it fucking got pounded on Horizon and there weren't hardly any scratches. Nah, there was something tricky about the distress call, the story, the whole package that the Illusive Dick fed us. As a great admiral once said, "It's a trap!"

So we go to some system and don't you know it, the giant fucking ship from Horizon and the one that downed the _Normandy_ got fucked by was just floating dead in space. Still had it's Mass Generators online, though. Suspicious, right? I might just be a goddamn soldier, but I'm not stupid. Something was wrong...the bad kind of chills the whole goddamn time.

We pull up along side the ship, this big rocky looking thing. Found a hole in the hull and docked with it... Well not docked, but the Kodiak was parked, so you get what I mean. Kept Lawson, the thief, and Tali back on the ship. They needed to keep things running when shit went downhill and I was positive it would. My team was Jackie, Grunt, and Taylor. I didn't like going into the place blind, so the asshole was my point man. "I'm a biotic..." I had no problems with him ending up like Jenkins...pretty sure he knew that I was using him as fodder, though. Bitched, bitched, and bitched.

Garrus took the two lizards and Samara for intel runs. Mordin would do experiments and I didn't really give a shit about the others. Shoot shit, blow shit up, whatever floated their boat. Sabotage would've been nice in hindsight... Johnny isn't a fucking tactics guy, though. Just blow shit the fuck up!

So I have my meat-shield, Taylor, and he's babbling about how "it doesn't feel right" and "it's creepy in here." Goddamn, just shut the fuck up! Got into a bit of a spat when we saw some ground up bodies in a corner. Heard some goop making people sounds and Taylor wanted to go help the fuckers. Whatever was making the noise, it wasn't lasting long. "But the colonists, Shepard! This is why we're here!"

Holy shit, was he wrong...I couldn't care less about them. Told the asshole to fucking leave if he was going to bitch. He moped, said I wasn't looking out for humanity, in it for personal gain, blah, blah. He was one hundred percent right, but I'm not admitting that shit to his face!

_Unintelligible_.

Wow, Pully, you're a bright one. Obvious question of the year... Of course I'm proud. Prideful, full of pride. I don't make mistakes and I'm never wrong.

Fucking Taylor, though. Always a goddamn distraction, always ruining my fun. We're already sneaking through that fucking ship, no Collectors to fight, and he's going all moral compass on me. Again, just a giant "just shut the fuck up!" was all he needed.

We keep going through the ship, the bad kind of chills, we discover some Prothean bullshit...

_Excited question_.

No, fuck you, I'm not telling you about the goddamn Protheans. Something about genetics, I didn't care. I still don't care. I let the fucking AI figure that shit out, let Mordin babble on about his stupid ass theories. I just knew that the bad guys were there, something was wrong, and the goddamn Illusive Fucker _definitely _led us into a trap. Grunt kept saying things were off and Jackie's biotics were going nuts because she was so goddamn nervous. Only ever seen her that messed up on Teltin...and that shit'll fucking make a person lose their mind.

Set the scene again, Pully? Creepy ass honeycomb things, like an insect nest. These weird pods that we saw on Horizon and No Progress were everywhere; on the ceiling, empty on the floor, walls, giant fucking caves full of them. It's what they kept the colonists in, what they "processed" them in at their home base. Wouldn't like to end up in one of those...and you all would've if it wasn't for fucking Johnny! Not your goddamn Alliance, Commander Shepard. Hero of the human fucking race if you ask me. Those bugs, they were shooting for Earth, you know...

By the way, that ship was definitely not dead in space. Nope, we tried to start up one panel and blamo, here's the bugs! Buzzing around, trying to take us out. Did they even remember who I was?

I was like fucking Blasto, carrying eight guns at once. So fast, jumping from platform to platform killing as many bugs as possible. Yellow insides, shot their golden eyes out one by one. Didn't know if they could feel pain, but why not try? A few kept talking to me after a Reaper used it's mind-warp on them. "You will feel this...assuming direct control..." What the hell does that mean?

_Explanation_.

Rhetorical, idiot. It means it's an easy answer so I don't need a full explanation.

_Comment_.

Fuck you, Pully! I don't give a shit what "rhetorical" means. Goddamn, words are fucking hard! They don't get you anywhere either. So fuck off. Asshole... Fucking Dr. No over here, shooting down everything I fucking say. I'm telling you this shit, for some reason. Just listen, goddamnit. This is for your eyes only.

_An inappropriate gesture from Shepard_.

Shit...I'm off track, again. The fucking direct control guys, damn hard to take down. I don't quite get why mind control makes you more powerful, but hey, Indoctrination, right?

Sooooo... The Collector ship, right. It's powering up, we have to get out of there. Something. I wanted to stay and fuck shit up but Jackie kept saying we had to leave. "Johnny, we need to go now." Then Garrus chimes in, even fucking Grunt said shit was hitting the fan. Lawson, Tali, they had the _Normandy_ running by the time we got back. Emergency jump into the Kodiak, and then on our way.

Yup...that's the Collector ship. Oh yeah, it was the same fucking one that killed me way back when. Didn't help the whole "I want to stay and fucking fight" response... Apparently the bugs only had one goddamn ship. Which makes so much fucking sense...

_Confused comment followed by a "face-palm."_

Sarcasm, Mr. Pulitzer. That was fucking sarcasm...

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><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading everyone. Had a good vacation...hope you didn't miss Johnny too much. We'll be back to regular updates on Tuesdays. Friday updates might be possible...if you ask nicely._

_Just want to say that, while Johnny may not know what "rhetorical" means, I do. I'm super excited for the next chapter...big weekend, big update._

_And to Ellie, here's your shout out!_


	23. Fall of the Morning Star

_A/N: The following is a first person telling of Commander Johnny Shepard's "_Mass Effect._" It will follow the general story, but will now begin its more...relaxed...interpretation of the plot. We'll still see Alliance - Collectors - Reapers, just in a new light._

Mass Effect _is property of Bioware. Thank you very much to Stnemele for all the help!_

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><p>Fucking goddamn shithead Illusive Goddamn Fucker. Yeah, that's what I called the asshole as soon as he called me into the briefing room. The dickhead, he admitted to setting up the trap, letting us get tricked by the goddamn bugs. Put us in a fucking trap with the fucking bugs...I mean, I got out of it fine, but fuck me... That's enough to put you on my shit list. He was a means to an end, sure, but he was going to pay for putting us in that goddamn situation. He was going to help me get the Collectors, but I knew I'd get back at him...fucking dickhead. See, Pully, I told you I wasn't loyal to Cerberus. Rebelling against their leadership even while I was "working" for the assholes. Didn't listen to a word Lawson said, gave even less of a shit about the crew, and fucking Taylor...<p>

Yeah, I wasn't goddamn loyal to Cerberus at all.

_Comment._

Yeah, I went off on him. Fucking destroyed the transmitter after I gave him the finger and told him to fuck off. Decided to do my own shit for a while, who gives a shit what the Cerberus assholes wanted me to do? Kept getting goddamn requests from my team about how to save shit, make people happier, whatever... Went to Teltin first to drop off a bomb for Jackie.

_Question from the interviewer._

Teltin, yeah, some jungle planet. You probably heard of it, one of Cerberus' more fucked up experiments. Produced some awesome fucking results in Jackie, but she wasn't particularly happy about it...fucked up childhood or some shit. People still didn't know about Johnny and the goddamn Reds. I didn't tell anyone, kept that shit to myself. You know how goddamn annoying it is to hear about people's problems? Use them to make you stronger not a fucking bitch. Whining all the goddamn time...only one with problems worth solving were Garrus's. Helped out Mordin and Grunt, but those are other stories. Went to Teltin for Jackie...she needed it, I felt...bad? Hey, she was fucking me on a regular basis, around a lot. Guess I cared for her, wanted to do somethi...

Nope, cut that Pully...

_Murmur._

Shows I'm human? Fuck you, no attachments. No. Cut it, get it out of there. I don't want to talk about it. Dickhead, let me say what I want to say. Don't write it down; forget I said it...caring about Jackie. Ha, yeah... She did make the nightmares go away, the shakes...

Fuck! You have me off...damnit, focus Johnny. Focus.

_A sigh followed by "the shakes."_

Gahhhhh...calm down... Calm... Fuck! Shit Pulitzer, damn... um, um, you talk for a bit... What's the Pulitzer?

_Brief explanation from the interviewer._

Oh, okay...so it's for news? Yeah, you're fucking owning it this year. Call it "The Butcher" or "Mass Effect." Something awesome, okay? What else can you win?

_Comments from the interviewer as Shepard calms down._

For fiction? The fuck...why do people even try for the news shit? Just write a goddamn story. Shit, Pully, change "Johnny Shepard" to "Shawny Jepard" and you got a new story. Here, I'll start one... It was one of those nights...

_Interruption._

Yeah...I'm no literally...litera...writing genius, good point. Fuck you, stop looking at me like that. Go back to the Collectors, okay?

So Teltin, to make it short...Cerberus did experiments on biotic kids, trying to make the perfect weapon. Jackie was that weapon. Fucked her up mentally, made her crazy. I helped calm her down, she helped me... Yeah, we dropped a bomb there. Messed up place, but produced results. I would've done that same thing, experiments on kids for biotics, but I never told her that.

But yeah, nuked the place for her sake, didn't tell the Illusive Fuck because I was giving him the goddamn silent treatment...

_A smirk._

Then, to rub it in more, I zipped around Citadel space for a bit. Even went back to the fucking station itself because Garrus needed to find his betrayal guy, Sidonis, and Anderson had been fucking bugging me for weeks to show up. I'd been alive for, what, two months? Suppose I should say "hi" to my superior officer. Well, he thought he was...not many people knew better... Alenko, maybe, but he quit the team a while back. Doing his shit for the Alliance, fucking working his way up the ladder. A fucking Major next time I saw him, you know…

Shit, so back to the goddamn Citadel. Wonderful security, once again. Brought a fucking convicted murderer, Jackie, and some Cerberus outlaws onto the station. You'd think they would stop the giant ship with the giant gun from docking, especially 'cause of the Cerberus logo. Damn, C-Sec was…is such a goddamn waste. Glad Garrus left when he did…he became something much greater. Fucking special advisor to the war…if he would've stayed at C-Sec, he would've be Detective Vakarian.

So I take Garrus and Tali with me to see Anderson and the Council. Figured I'd let the rest of the crew run around the station, doing whatever they fucking liked. Brought a few familiar faces to the Council with me because I didn't want to scare them with a fucking ghost.

_Question_.

I mean me…technically I was dead, remember? They had a goddamn funeral, I saw the vids. Shit, you all wouldn't have had that goddamn ceremony if you knew what I did. Rachni extinction, killing off Lou's Hope…

_A sigh_.

…blowing up goddamn Virmire? Yeah, that's something to fucking celebrate. Ha ha ha, fucking idiots. So yeah, I was a bit worried they'd think I was a goddamn impostor or something. Garrus and Tal being there helped out the whole shock factor. Didn't help that they were all flirty the whole goddamn time, but who am I to judge? Jackie and I fucking groped each other in public when we were at the club later. Flux, bass, Hallex, alcohol… You could smell the sex in the air… Fucked in the bathroom, up against the wall. Ha, not even in a goddamn stall. Got some wild stares from a couple turians. Fuck them, I would've snapped their necks if they said a word…

Oh, _sorry_, Pully, I forgot about the sex thing. Won't go into detail, okay? Back to the Council, what the fuck ever. Udina was part of the system now, seemed worthless up front. Wasn't exactly pleased to hear about the whole Cerberus shit, but I pressed it in, I wasn't working for them, they were working for me. The Council didn't want to get their hands dirty when I started talking about the Terminus and the Reapers. "Ah, the Reapers, blah blah, I don't believe in them!" Turian councilor always saying shit like that. Boy, did he eat his fucking words…

The asari and salarian, not so much. They at least returned my Spectre status so I could technically get away with anything in Citadel space, now. I mean, fucking blowing up Hock was "illegal" but Spectre-hood…Spectre-ship let me get away with that shit. Spectres didn't matter at all in the Terminus, though, so it was mostly a symbolic gesture. Threw me a goddamn bone and I knew it. Fucking spit it back at them… should have socked Udina for being a pussy… They regretted asking me back... Time to hit the underbelly of the Citadel, am I right?

Skeezy places, hookers, Johnny's standard fare. Fucking Jackie always wanted in, so it was wild sometimes. _Never_ a devil's three-way, though…

_Question_.

Mr. Pulitzer, you don't want to know. Think about it a little… Ah, there's the realization! Yeah, I don't do that shit.

Reloaded on my alcohol fix, bought some goddamn delicious food for the dickass mess guy to cook up. Oh, this part is funny…

Went around buying some upgrades for my guns and shit, right? Well, prices are fucking ridiculous on the Citadel so I walked around and threatened the shit out of store owners. Had them all pissing their pants…grabbed a few by the throat, shot at a few, just made them scared of fucking Johnny. I was nice to this one salarian, he was all happy and shit. "Oh my, Shepard! You're my favorite person, ever!" Gave him a good recording of me, "I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel." My favorite store was the fucking liquor store in the Zakara Wards, but keep that quiet… I wonder if that little guy is still alive…

_Shepard pauses in thought_.

Eh, probably not. Had some fun for a day or two while Garrus looked for the info on his betrayal buddy. That's really why we were there. Detective Vakarian needed to do some detective shit and who am I to deny someone revenge? Especially my partner in crime. He was getting more ruthless every mission, a bit more messy, not as surgical as before with his kills, but just as deadly. Fatal wounds but making them die slow deaths. Saw him electrocute a good many guys with gun overloads…actually saw him stomp a few heads. Slowly building the aggression, and the turning point was soon. C-Sec Garrus was going to fall, Archangel would fall. When he came to me with information about Sidonis and this "Fade" guy, I was fucking elated.

Yup, I just used "elated." Are you elated that you get to write elated in your fucking Pulitzer piece?

_Comment_.

Big words are fun, aren't they? Elation. Goddamn elation when we were ready to fight. Remember, this was a dull fucking time. We were on the Citadel…not much to do. Well, drugs and sex, but that's all. Unless we find some mercs working for "mystery" guys like Fade, nothing to do. We had three locations he could be at, so Tali and Jackie went to one…they became friends somehow… Um, let's see... Samara and Grunt went to another. She had a calming effect on the crazy little guy. Me and Garrus were going to the third location, some warehouse where we were all but positive he would be at. Taylor insisted on coming because he wanted to show his worth or some shit. I had Thane cover us from above, sniping people out. Sick team, actually. Taylor didn't do too badly that day. "I'm a biotic…" Fucking idiot… Still pisses me off that he introduced himself that way. If anyone is a goddamn biotic it's Johnny. You're kidding me about that shit... Ha, thinking you're better than me is ridiculous.

Into the goddamn warehouse, now. We land a taxi cab near the entrance and, what do you know, we see this Harkin asshole. Guess he was "Fade." Now, way back when, during the Saren fight this guy used to be C-Sec. He dicked us around in a bar one time…that Chora's Den place, and was just a general asshole. Apparently since we left, he got kicked out of C-Sec, started getting into shitty crime and the look on his face when we showed up was priceless. Wide eyed, pale, like he saw two ghosts. I guess technically I _was_ and Garrus had disappeared. Garrus's face, it grew so goddamn dark, even I was damn impressed by the turian. First and last time anyone ever made me nervous, outside of Widow. That day, it was his mission. He ordered, he told us where to get cover, _his_ mission. I mean, I was, lets go with "independent," but still, he was the unofficial leader. Taylor recognized it, too. He was worried about Garrus getting a little too extreme... I was excited.

_Shepard smirks as the interviewer asks a question_.

Nope, I didn't have a problem with him going first, taking the lead. I even let him have a higher count that time. Let him take the first shot, set up a lot of assists. I was okay with letting Archangel take the lead…saw why people would follow him. Also saw why no one wanted to fuck with him…

Harkin, he runs away and puts a bunch of LOKIs, YMIRs, and mercs in front of us. Taylor's shotgun took out the mini-mechs quick. I switched back and forth between biotics and my gun. I'd toss a guy into Garrus's line of sight, take out the torso of a guy right after. Repeat. For every shot I took, Garrus had two dead on strikes. A solid pace, never faltered, no charging, just shoot and reload. Must be what it's like watching Johnny fight. You're all welcome.

You've definitely seen vids of me ripping people apart. Entertaining shit… Garrus, if someone got too close, he actually _ripped_ them. Biting, shooting, a goddamn machine. I did my fair share of killing, yeah, but he…just wow.

And what he did when he was finished…

Yeah, eventually we caught "Fade." Harkin, trapped himself in a room, the idiot. No backdoor, just control panels. I was going to start a bit of an interrogation, but Garrus stepped right in. Harkin talked back, Garrus shot him in the fucking knee. Harkin bitched again, oops, there goes the other knee. Taylor, he was starting to get nervous, and objected to the particularly fun brand of treatment Harkin was getting. I shot that fucking "I'm a biotic" a glare like he'd never seen. Gave him a snarl. The dickbag shut the fuck up immediately.

Turned back to Garrus and he had a gun to Harkin's head. The weasel, he was calling in this Sidonis guy to lure him out into the open…I didn't really pay attention to why he actually knew the turian, but that's not my job. It was Garrus's revenge, his way of doing shit. Radio contact worked, blah blah blah, Garrus breaks Harkin's arm...then the other arm. Then shot him in the chest…

_Surprised_.

Yeah, my buddy was falling fast…he hit Harkin where he knew he would bleed out, but in the most painful way possible. Taylor had a big fucking problem with this, but Garrus and I tuned him out. Well, I thought Garrus tuned him out. Ha...

Harkin, we left him on the floor as we went to get Sidonis. Left the fucker on the floor begging for help. Coughing up blood, laying in his own piss... ugly way to die, but nothing he didn't deserve.

Now for the setup, blah, blah, I don't know, I played decoy and got the fucker, Sidonis, to meet us in a back alley. Taylor suggested keeping back to avoid…problems. Garrus wanted to do this shit face to face, show him revenge. I guess the guy really fucked him up…I've never had a team of people I gave a shit about die on me though…

_Quick comment_.

Nah, didn't care about anyone on Torfan. Not a word about Williams, either...

Garrus now, he gets this Sidonis guy close. Little skiddish turian, looked dead inside. Guilt was eating away at him…miserable existence if you ask me. Should've let him walk around feeling all bad for the rest of his life… Garrus thought differently.

I'm not going to describe what happened next, unless you really want me too…

_Murmur_.

Let's just say there was a lot of snapping. Angry shouts from Garrus, muffled gunshots. He blew off his leg, then used some medi-gel to fix up the stump. Dragged him into a building nearby to keep the noise down. Sidonis, he kept screaming for Archangel to stop. Surgical removal of limbs... A special brand of revenge. He'd injure the turian then medi-gel him up. I had the bad chills... Garrus was losing it. Taylor starts talking, I just stood there. Taylor says, "Garrus, you have to stop…don't do this… Stop! This isn't you… Don't do it…"

Next thing I know, Taylor shuts the fuck up…I look over at him and there was this weird expression on his face. The kind that shows up when the brain isn't working right. My ears were ringing all the sudden. Saw the wall behind him, splashed red with blood. Confused me for a second because turians don't bleed red. There was a fair amount of purple splatter, but this was the only red stuff on the wall.

Sidonis, crying on the floor…Garrus looking away from him, staring Taylor dead in the eyes…and he's holding a pistol. Hand cannon, standard requisition. It had fired…

And the bullet hit right between Taylor's eyes. Garrus says something, probably a damn awesome catch phrase. He was dead calm, didn't blink, turned back to Sidonis and fired twice into the turian's fucking head. Three more times into the corpse as Taylor's body tipped backwards. Clunk on the floor and Garrus didn't even look. This is all in about five seconds. Not a single look of sympathy. One of those "oh shit!" times… Taylor, fucking goddamn Taylor, who nobody liked, was dead. Beauty of a shot through his forehead…by _Garrus. _The turian didn't give a shit…it was just because he didn't like him, thought he was weak. And then I fucking grinned…

My buddy, my protégé, Garrus Goddamn Vakarian was brutal, ruthless, unforgiving... and would do anything with no remorse, just because he wanted to… Sound like anyone? Archangel had fucking fallen…

Damn poetic if you ask me.

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><p><em>AN: The chapter title "_Fall of the Morning Star"_ has an actual meaning, unlike other chapters, although it may seem like a stretch. Morning Star, another name for Venus (planet), translate__s to the Greek word _"phosphoros." Subsequently, "phosphorus" _can be translated to the Latin _"Lucifer" _not to be confused with the biblical _"Satan." _This connection was caused by the mistranslation of the Bible to English._

_However, _"Lucifer," _in Judaism/Christianity/etc _does _refer to __a fallen angel. Archangel (Garrus) falls when killing Sidonis and Taylor. Archangel is "the morning star" in this case, thus "_Fall of the Morning Star."

_- Fallen angel - Lucifer (Latin) - phosphorus (Greek) - Venus - known as the morning star_

_It's a bit round-about, but I liked it. Making it simpler, Garrus can be seen as a bright light in the galaxy in the typical playthrough. He's the voice of reason, a source of morals for the typical Red Shepard. Unfortunately, Johnny seems to have corrupted this particular light, the star..._

_Thanks for reading everyone. Johnny will be back next Tuesday. I had a lot of fun writing this one. I would _really _like to know what you guys think. So lot of reviews this week? Friday update if I get enough. Thanks!_


	24. Sunny Tuchanka

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon , but will follow the general story (Alliance - Collectors - Reapers). This is the obligitory _"Sunny Tuchanka"_ chapter... It's just such a good line, in my opinion._

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Any thoughts are welcome (see my profile for my full rant on reviews...). Thank you, and enjoy. Thanks to stnemele for all the help! Check out "_Delving Into Hell."

Mass Effect_ is owned by Bioware._

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><p>Garrus, yeah, he just went crazy on me... I mean, don't get me wrong, it was everything I could've hoped for, you know? He finally let loose, was finally ruthless. Unfortunately this also left us with a fucking dead body in a room...who was good friends with a bunch of the crew. Luckily, we hadn't gone back to the ship since the whole Harkin incident so for all they knew, Taylor took a shot during the fight on the way there. Thane was gone, he was looking for his kid. Whatever, families fall apart...<p>

Anyway, me and Garrus are standing in a room with two bodies. Doesn't look good, right? Well, let's just say I'd seen my fair share of "cleanups" back with the Reds...

_Comment_.

Goddamn, just because I mention the Reds doesn't mean everything comes back to them... You're so fucking annoying, Pully. Stop with your theories... "What about this, what about that? I'm a fucking idiot."

Yeah, that was an impression of you. Spot on if you ask me.

_A sigh and comment_. _Shepard smirks_.

Oh, you are just so fun to fuck with. Jackie, she w...well we would have had a fucking blast fucking around with you. Shit, you're probably shit yourself if we started playing "catch" with you. Catch is when we threw people around with our biotics...some had fun, other's cried. Every time we threw Joker he broke a goddamn hip...mean old Doc Chakwas wasn't to happy about that...

She wouldn't be happy about the Taylor thing since she was one of the people that actually liked the fucker. We clean up the mess, shove two bodies in a place where two bodies really shouldn't fit. A drawer or something, I can't remember. Bet the owner of the building was damn surprised when they came across a fucked up turian and a Cerberus lackey stuffed in a cabinet... That'd be a fucking wake up call. "Don't live here anymore."

The bodies, though, bent them up like fucking bendy straws. "Emergency induction ports" as drunk Tali called them. After the body hiding thing we just casually walked down the street back to our cab. Covered in blood...got some hilarious stares. Scared shitless civvies backed up out of our way. You don't fuck with two of the Horsemen. Especially after one just finally jumped into the deep end.

_A smirk_.

Back to the ship..."Where's Jacob, oh my goodness he died?" Fucking bombarded with that shit for hours, days even. Most of the crew actually believed the "he got shot during the mission" excuse. Tal, she trusted Garrus completely; Grunt and Jackie trusted me. Trust...what a ridiculous concept...

_Murmur from the interviewer_.

Well, I trusted fucking Widow and look how that worked out. Nope, haven't trusted anyone since. You can like a guy, you can stand a guy, you can even be sort of friends with a guy, but don't trust him. That's how you get stabbed in the back, how bad shit happens, how failure happens, how stupid decisions happen... You get it, Mr. Pulitzer? Trust causes weakness and Johnny trusts no one...

_Question_.

Not even Garrus, not even Jackie. People leave you, people betray you. I tried to trust... Nope, we're not talking about that. Trust...no, I don't trust anyone. "Trusting" you with my Mass Effect, copyright and trademarked, is the most I'll ever put confidence into someone. Don't fuck this up, Pully, or I'll come at you...

Yeah, sidetracked... Kasumi, Lawson, they both were suspicious about Mr. Taylor's death. Weren't ballsy enough to call me out so fuck them. Hey, if they would've called me out, I would've probably told the truth...well, _probably_. Who doesn't like a good elaborate lie? That cake I offered Joker for his birthday was a goddamn lie...absolutely loved the look on his face when he found out... Poor little cripple all sad because no one gives a shit about his birthday. We had a party on Omega without him that time...got fucking wasted and fucked Jackie in the cockpit...the little guy couldn't scurry off fast enough!

Ha ha, good fucking times, right? He did get us off the Citadel quick before someone could put "murder" on us. I mean, I'm a Spectre killing a Cerberus terrorist so I'd be fine. Garrus, the ex-cop and vigil... yeah, whatever Archangel was, he might have some problems. Not exactly looked upon highly by C-Sec. Well, they were fucking terrible at everything, though. Probably could have broadcasted the vid feed from my helmet on what we did and they would have fucked up the investigation and arrest. Goddamn C-Sec...

Back to the galaxy, though! I had enough of that place, there's only so much blue and goddamn shiny shit I can take. And the Council was pissy about a Cerberus ship in the dock...not that I really cared, but it was goddamn annoying. Like a fucking fly in my ear, buzzing around. Always there because Chambers kept relaying messages to me... She was broken up over Taylor's...death, too. General depression on the ship from the pussies. My horsemen, and Mordin, Tali, they were indifferent. Tali fucking hated Cerberus and Mordin... Well, Mordin was a bit out of touch... Yeah, out of touch, let's go with that.

He had some request, though. Tuchanka, the krogan homeworld, he had a student get kidnapped or some shit. Something about curing the Genophage...we can't have that now, right? I already stopped a cure on Virmire, gotta stop it again. Grunt was freaking out in the cargo hold, too. Something about itching and I rather not have a completely nuts krogan on my fucking ship. Mildly crazy is okay...completely crazy means I'd have to put him down...

Hey Pully, I have a question... You ever been to Tuchanka? I know you got some fun places on your record, didn't know if you were ever there.

_Interviewer answers_.

Well, trust me, you aren't missing anything. I think I'm going to say "shit" in the next sentence about twenty goddamn times. That shitty planet...one... It looked like shit, smelled like shit, the krogan were goddamn stupid shits, I could even _taste_ the shit in the air. It was horrible. Varren were running around, actually shitting in the streets and the fucking dinosaurs didn't give a shit. I mean, I lived in the underbelly of Vancouver, the fucked up parts on Earth. But these guys, the krogan...they really shitted up their planet. Tuchanka...just a pile of rubble and shit. Even the "nice" places were rubble and ruins. What a terrible fucking species. Good riddance...

No small wonder that the krogan are always pissy. They're fucking neutered _and _have a shitty planet to live on. I'd be pretty pissed off if that's where I came from. Humans, we take care of our fucking planet, colonies... Only ever nuked one place on Earth in Europe, but we cleaned that shit up afterwards...

_Comment_.

What the fuck is Japan? Goddamn, Pully, I'm not a history guy...

_Murmur_.

Hey, World War Two, fucking war eleven, I don't give a shit... It's in the past, who cares? What are we going to do, learn from the past? Ha, don't fucking kid me. This space shit is all new. You can't bullshit me into saying that some Earth war could've prepared us for the Reapers... A fucking nuke ain't shit next to a goddamn red death laser. Learning from the past, yeah fucking right...

_Interviewer suggests a return to the story_.

Yeah, yeah, back to the present... Or past, what the fuck ever. So we fly to the goddamn shit planet, going to do Mordin's dirty work for him. I figured I'd help him out, he was helping us a lot, too. Mi casa, su casa... We landed an...

_Interview interrupts Shepard with a question_.

Oh, come on. You think I'm such an asshole that I wouldn't help any of my crew? Shit, just because I'm the goddamn Butcher doesn't mean I won't help a guy out. And I got to kill krogan. And stop a cure. And I was bored because of the Citadel... Ha, okay, maybe I did it for myself and Mordin just happened to be there, too. Still, I _did_ do it...

Yeah...well... heh, I always figured I was being a "nice" guy there. Way to turn it around on me, asshole. Stop interrupting me...you're a crazy mother fucker, Pully. Most people who interrupt me end up with a bullet between their eyes...

...So try to stop it. I may not have a gun, but I'll still fuck you up...

_A pause and glare_.

_Anyway_, we landed on Tuchanka with the Kodiak. Brought Grunt because he had to get rid of the itchy, Jackie because she was fucking great to look at with that tats and the tits. Got a good view of them things, ha ha. Just walked around my cabin naked whenever she was up...hadn't _ever_ been with one lady for as long as I was around her. Damn normal everyday part of life, you know? I... wait, you goddamn tricked me again. Fuck you, cut that shit...who wants to hear about my fucking life? None of their goddamn business.

Tuchanka, okay? Fuck you... You better not put that in, Pully. Cut it out of the final doc, right?

So Grunt, Jackie, and my wonderful self get to dinosaur planet. The lizards, sickly ass Thane and Mordin, too. Sent Garrus off with the _Normandy_ to go take care of some business with Tali. He must have really liked the girl to fucking prevent her from exile or some shit. She came sobbing to him since she knew I wouldn't give a shit. He asks for the ship, he's my buddy, whatever. Garrus proved he would make the right decisions and I would've killed his ass if he didn't bring the ship back. Knocking off Taylor meant he was ready to be in charge of some shit. Trusted him with the ship... Ha, I guess I did trust him...

So, yeah, Archangel has the _Normandy_ so it was just the ground crew for us. We landed at the best...well, let's go with least shitty, clan camp. Just happened to be fucking Wrex's old stomping ground, Clan Urdnot. Got to meet his fucking asshole little brother Wreave... Big mother fucker, damn similar to Wrex, but a bit less "civilized" than Wrex was... Fuck me, the krogan suck. Just giant fucking dinosaurs, but I had to be there because of the cure. I want nothing to do with any fucking krogan babies...

Now Mordin, he was thinking the same thing. Prevent the Genophage cure because of the dangers involved with the krogan. Hell, I agreed...everyone agrees. Fucking plague on the galaxy if you ask me. Take the vorcha with them while you're at it, you know? So yeah, we're going to go save Mordin's buddy...by "save" I mean kill. To clan Warhock! I forget the name... Worlock? Warehock? Whorefuck? Eh, some random clan. Took most of them out, so it really doesn't matter.

_Interviewer asks a question_.

Umm, it was the clan that was trying to make this cure...I thought that was pretty damn self-explanatory. Come on, Pully...

For some reason Urdnot decides to help us. Guess they didn't know what happened to their fearless brother back on Virmire. Either that or Wreave was happy to have Wrex gone... Maybe he was in the way of a power grab. Eh, never interest in politics. Would've just taken the fucking throne for myself, anyway. By the way, Pully, they actually had a fucking throne in their little shit town. Fucking ridiculous... But yeah, we're getting some help from our lovely hosts. Agreed to help us get transport to the other clan, I guess that was nice? Could've probably taken the shuttle there...

But yeah, clan Warnock... Ever storm a mini-town full of krogan? It's pretty damn hard, even for me. Which is why I was glad to have some help, some backup. Like always, I blindly charged in, tunnel vision already going. Something about the fucking planet just had me on edge, had me ready to fight. Pumped up, lots of quick biotic attacks to stun the guys, solid shots with my shotgun to finish them off. Ran out of clips really quick. Thane, he was using his sniper rifle...

_Comment_.

Yes, he was one of the lizards, I already said that... Thane, he was sniping, Grunt copying me, Jackie just throwing shit around and Mordin kept catching shit on fire. Pretty damn unstoppable force if you ask me. Well, until we ran out of ammo...krogan can take a shit ton of hits, you know? At least three shots when they're properly armored, and this clan definitely was. We wound up behind some rubble, getting shot at, and I get this brilliant idea. Say I'm going to blow some tank, I don't exactly remember. Explosions, burning, something.

Jackie, she's all adorable, says "Johnny, what're you doing!" Smacked her on her ass and said "Don't worry, it'll work..."

Yeah, my plan didn't work.

Well not completely... I got shot about ten times, three got through my armor, but managed to blow up some of the krogan. Blood and guts _everywhere_... Mine, krogan, some vorcha who were there. I think they hired some Blood Pack, actually. Krogan scream while they're on fire, by the way, like every other organic. Really, they're just all talk. Thicker skin, but when they're dying they act the same. Crazy shit... Charred dino meat all over. I was hit, didn't realize it at the time, though. Duck, shotgun, tearing some shit up, the usual. I kept going, killed a few more after stealing some clips off the dead krogans' bodies. Yeah, same old shit.

_Exclamation_.

Yeah, I was shot. Not the first fucking time. Couldn't afford to stop, anyway...

_Exasperated comment_.

I'm crazy? You mean _you're_ crazy... I'm not healing myself while the krogan are getting goddamn cured. Are you fucking high? And they were just bullet wounds. A few in my chest, one in the leg. Just flesh wounds, you can always take a bullet out. Shit, Pully, grow a pair. It's not like you got shot...

Busting through the town, killing, yeah. Came across some females, dead and alive. Covered in sores and tumor looking things. Mordin, he was disgusted...apparently these kinds of experiments were bad. They were pretty damn sick, Cerberus quality fucked up. Maelon, that was Mordin's apprentice, was apparently fucking around with the krogan females. Twisted experiments, even saw a human body that was all fucked up. That pissed me off big time... krogan, okay, they're already a fucking freak experiment, but you fuck with humans? That's Collector shit...

_Comment_.

Yeah sure, whatever. I was "soft." I protect my race, asshole. Would you rather have let me keep them experimenting? Would you want to be covered in fucking tumors, Mr. Pulitzer? Come on, wake up! Stop being naive, I did what was necessary. Save my race, my planet, my fucking shit. You know how many species I left for dead because I wanted to save my city? So what, one body pissed me off? Fuck the krogan, fuck Maelon, fuck science...

_The interviewer murmurs_.

_Fuck_. _You_. Don't pull that bullshit out on me. I'm no experiment...the Lazarus Project, the Cerberus thing that brought me back, it wasn't an experiment... Fuck you, don't give me some goddamn definition. No, fuck off, shut the fuck up, I'm going to stop...

_An apology_.

You better apologize, asshole. Don't you fucking pull that shit on me again... I'm no freak, I'm the fucking best. You tried to kill me once, no, fuck you... Tuchanka, okay? You want the goddamn story...

Krogan, tumors, blood, fucking stuff that would make most people sick. Thane, he wasn't too happy, but we'd all seen fucked up shit before. Jackie, she fucking ripped a guy's throat out earlier that day...with biotics. Sexy, right? We fucked in the shuttle after we got back from the little excursion...Johnny's always down for a good fuck... Could make her orgasm without even touching her. Biotics do fucking wonders in the bedroom...

_Interviewer stops Shepard_.

Damnit! Anyway, we come across Mordin's little buddy in a lab. Turns out he'd be doing the work because he wanted too! Did not go over well with Mordin...had all this data, did some fucked up shit. We destroyed the data afterwards... Well I destroyed the data, but Mordin didn't know that. Any trace of a cure needed to be fucking erased. Not dealing with that shit, you're not putting that on my head... I rather have fucking genocide put on me than unleashing the krogan again. And you all agree with me, don't fucking lie. Don't you fucking lie...

Maelon, though, Mordin was furious. I told him that he was too much of an asshole to live... Convinced Mordin to gun him down on the spot. The master killing the student...again...

Huh...happens a lot, doesn't it? But, revenge is sweet, right?

_A murmur from the interviewer_.

Well, not revenge. What is it, then?

_Suggestion_.

Okay, I like it... Prevention. Sounds nice and cold, but the right thing to do. Some animals just need to be put down. Happens to be that this lizard was one of them... Blah blah, destroy the cure data, arrive back to Urdnot's camp, got Grunt a rite of passage, fought a Thresher Maw, then back to the...

_The interviewer is surprised_.

Yeah... We fought a worm. Something to do with clan induction. It wasn't any big deal, we just ran around and shot the thi...

_A request for clarity_.

Umm, who gives a shit if it was on foot? It was just a couple of missiles and dodging shit. Nothing big, easy pickings for Johnny. It was just a giant worm... I guess the krogan made a big deal, but I figured that was just because they're fucking stupid...

_Explanation_.

Huh, so it _was _important? The krogan weren't too happy when I fucking dismissed it as nothing, I guess...

_Shepard smirks_.

I took all the credit, too. Sure, Urdnot gave Grunt a second name, but I was the badass that day... Got ran off the planet when I said so, too. Something about insulting the krogan species... Eh, I don't know, maybe I said something about the Genophage being a good thing. Whatever, I wanted off that shitty planet... We got what we wanted and the _Normandy _was back from the quarian shit. Tali got un-exiled, Garrus was happy, time to go. The Collectors were fucking waiting and there was a huge lead from The Illusive Man...

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><p><em>AN: I must apologize for the pace of this chapter. It's a bit slower than the previous one...we're getting towards the end of ME2, here, and right now we're looking at wrapping up loose ends. I wanted to do Tuchanka really just to establish that Johnny did, in fact, go there. While writing this chapter I actually wrote _"I just want to go to sleep..." _while writing b__ecause I got bored. This was probably a low point for my writing process. I'm running out of motivation..._

_Also, some matters to address: this is through Johnny's eyes. The crew would likely have suspicions, but he didn't see them. The misuse of the Spanish phrase was intentional. I also have no idea what country in Europe was nuked._

_Reviews, as always, are much appreciated. Bought a house this weekend so I'm super excited to move all my furniture, again. (Sarcasm, Pully, sarcasm...)_


	25. Suckers, Spaceships, and Shadows

__The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon , but will follow the general story (Alliance - Collectors - Reapers). Super special Friday update today! Getting some more circulation (or, at least, trying...).__

_Mass Effect is Bioware's and thanks to Stnemele!_

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><p>First I wanted to go back to Omega. Fuck that asshole, he still thought he was in charge. I fucking blew up his asshole transmitter so Lawson had to handle communications. She said he was talking about some team he sent to a derelict Reaper they found, how the scientists there went quiet, how it might have a friendfoe signal for us to be able to use the Omega Four relay. Like I said, no idea what the fuck they were talking about, I was just along for the ride. I let the AI figure how out to get us through the relay, how to come out safely. If the Collectors were on the other side, I want to go fuck them up…can't get there safely without this IFF nonsense, so might as well go get it.

No hurry, though. There hadn't been a big colony raid in a few weeks and that Reaper was dead in space. Scientists, who gives a shit about them…Cerberus employees so they deserved whatever came to them. Should've known that if you listen to the Illusive Fuck, you're probably going to end up dead. Maybe some experiment, whatever you want; you'd still be dead.

I wanted a stop at Omega, first. Figured that, before we delved into hell, I'd fucking have a good time. I was badass there, again. Went back to Hell, had a fucking _blast_. Jackie and I, fuckin' like bunnies on the dance floor...

And yes, despite popular opinion, I do know how to dance.

Fucking killed a few guys who thought they'd test their toughness against me. Took them to a back alley, ripped out their insides… _Squish_ goes the lungs. Snap goes the head fringes. Left a few turians alive, but took of their manly parts…neutered them.

_Shepard smirks_.

So yeah, typical time, having a goddamn blast.

_A question_.

Oh yeah! Wow, completely forgot about that... The mission Samara needed done, she says her target is on the goddamn station when we get there! Her prey was her fucking daughter, by the way… More fucking family issues! Goddamn, everyone in the fucking galaxy had something wrong with their family. Didn't know shit compared to me.

Samara's spawn, though, I had to kill it because it was an Ardi… I don't know what the Asari word is. Lets call it a "soul sucker." Fucking genetic mutation asari that causes brain bleeding when it sexes you up.

Why the hell not help out? Figured we go after it...I don't want a fucking brain sucker goddamn alien running around. I liked killing regular asari let alone fucking mutants. Didn't realize that it was as powerful as its mother, though…

Samara, her idea, she says I lure the thing, its name was Morinth, out into the open. Her plan was for me to be noticeable at a bar and make a big ruckus… Ha ha, that's me fucking _anywhere_. I made a big deal out of little shit in the club, met the weird blue animal, it takes me back to its place. Now this is the part where I'd fuck the shit out of a human girl. They'd invite me back to her place? Fucking invite to her pussy. Wild goddamn sex, in and out for hours… She'd never fucking recover… One woman guy, though, with Jackie around. I never thought Johnny would be _loyal_ to someone.

_Shepard hesitates, but recovers_.

Now, this Morinth thing, Samara wanted to kill it, because she felt responsible for it being around. Problem is, this bitch-thing is getting all close to me trying to suck my soul out or whatever the fuck it did. Jackie did plenty of sucking for me, heh. Blue alien? No thanks. I had a bit of a problem with that… So I attacked it. Figured it'd be a quick biotic shove, kick, and a head stomp. Nope, goddamn biotic shoving match happened.

It got surprised that I didn't fall for its "advances." The mutant, it didn't realize that I don't swing towards blue things with squid hair so the two of us were in for a nasty fight. Not a physical one, though, pretty much two biotic walls pushing at each other. And it was quite a goddamn push… Soul suckers are pretty goddamn powerful… It was a stalemate for a while. The room was just two walls of energy bubbling up against each other. I was shoving as hard as I could, with my biotics, probably overloading my amp. Fucking blood pouring out of my nose, she was shaking from the effort to keep me back.

Pully, you ever been really angry?

_Reply_.

Didn't think so…I was getting pissed off at the lack of action in our little shoving match. The Justicar, she was supposed to be showing up soon, but I didn't want any help…this turned into my fight as soon as Morinth showed how powerful it was. So I reached way down deep…thought about First Contact, turians, batarians, goddamn Saren, Williams, the Reapers fucking being dicks, Collectors killing me… And I fucking _willed_ a wall of energy at the bitch…

It didn't know what hit it…a biotic explosion type thing and Morinth goes flying against the wall, I jump towards it immediately. Tired as all hell, but time for the killing blow. Pinned it's neck to the ground; I was fucking wide eyed and goddamn scary...I saw it in its eyes. Morinth started to beg for it's life. Told me how it could help me, blah blah. A good old fashioned duel that I fucking won…One on one, no one can take me down…I beat Widow, Saren, the Matriarch, every fucking body. Stood over top of it, the soul sucker was stunned. Boot up, boot down, _crunch_, a good fucking fight was done.

Ha ha ha, Samara walks in right as I'm wiping off my boot. All wide eyed, "Shepard are you alright?" Of course I was!

_Comment and a question, again_.

She cared about me? Um, no way. She fucking objected to everything I did, actually told me she'd have to kill me after her weird little oath was broken. Hell, she was pissed off because I fucking killed her daughter for her. It took me one goddamn try and the good old Justicar had been trying for years. Damn, asari…can be so goddamn powerful but can be so goddamn fucking prissy, too. Samara, she was pissed off at me for taking down her little mutant without her...hey, the job got done, don't fucking complain.

So yeah, that was my big adventure on Omega that time. Fun little side fight, got a great fight. Doc Chak was particularly upset about the strain I put on my amp…eh, nothing fucking happened anyway. No overload, no problem, right?

_Interviewer murmurs_.

Hey, it didn't happen, why should I worry about it? Out of sight out of goddamn mind…

_A request for Shepard to continue_.

Okay, well that was my little stint with the soul sucker. Fucking mutant…

So, Omega, last time I saw it for a while. We hung out there for a week or so, but the Collectors had made an attack on a colony so I guess it was time to find the Reaper code signal thing so the _Normandy _could get through the Omega Four relay. The bugs' home base was on the other side and that's where we needed to go. The derelict Reaper was our best lead apparently. Once again, I don't do detective work; Johnny doesn't connect the dots, I shoot them.

Said that before, didn't I? Running out of catch phrases, I guess…

But it was time to pack up... Collectors were moving, revenge is sweet and I needed it soon. I was getting bored with this whole chasing nonsense so time to get our tech shit! Dead fucking Reaper here we fucking come. Goddamn, it couldn't be easy, either. We find this dead Reaper, Cerberus scientists were silent, and I didn't have a good feeling about it. I figured it was some Indoctrination, they turned into husks, some shit...

That's exactly what happened, too. A ton of husks limping around the walk-ways the Cerberus fuckers built. Easy fight, though, because I had most of the team with me...we're walking into a a dead Reaper, an ancient fucking machine. Backup, backup, backup, Pulitzer. I'm no pussy, but I'm also not a fucking dumbass. Ever since the goddamn Beacon I don't fuck with old fucking tech. So, really, other than being a creepy goddamn place, nothing really happened there. Killed the husks and there was this weird pressure on our minds. Indoctrination?

Eh. You can't Indoctrinate Johnny Shepard!

_A short question_.

Legion? The geth? Oh yeah, we found him there. I'm still not quite sure _why _he was there. Seriously, why would a single geth be hanging out on a Reaper? It's not like he was following me because it was there first. For some reason the guy had my armor from the first _Normandy_ on, too. A weird little guy, that Legion. The robot talked, fit in well with the crew once we activated it. Cerberus offered to buy the geth off me, but I'm not giving the Illusive dickhead a fucking fancy geth. He'd probably keep it in his base and have it fight me later...that fucking asshole.

You know what? I'm _glad_ that all those scientists were dead; bitch ass Cerberus dicks, for one. Second, they would've found Legion and sent him to that fucker. I used the geth to fight and he was a damn powerful ally. Helped me with the quarians...but that's later. He was good...

_A comment and question_.

Huh, I guess I did call the geth a "he." That is kind of weird, you're right, Pully. Ha, you won't hear me say _that_ often. But, yeah, I guess Legion was a he. A good fighter, a good ally, solid mind.

_A murmur from the interviewer_.

Oh shut the fuck up, Pully! Microchip, processor, whatever... You know what I fucking me, no need to correct me. Goddamn...

Legion fucking proved that the geth weren't just fucking mindless robots, okay? A more deserving race than most in the fucking galaxy. So, yeah, he. Legion deserved his name. The geth deserve some goddamn recognition. Efficient, damn smart, good fucking fighters... Hey, like I said before, give the quarians credit. They make solid machines...

_The interviewer is surprised_.

Come on, Pully, just because I like sterilizing krogan and neutering turians doesn't mean that I'm a xenophobe!

_A rebuttal._

Ha ha ha, okay, okay. So maybe I'm a bit human-centric or whatever you want to call it. But it's not like the aliens don't deserve it. Fucking killing people in First Contact, going nuts on the galaxy because they're fucking talking dinosaurs, sickly purple people stuck in enviro-suits... Fuck them... If I had my way, the Reapers would've killed _all _the turians and batarians. Shit, though, if I had my way sh... No, we're not talking about that. Caught myself again, Pulitzer.

_Shepard hesitates and breathes deep_.

Ahhh, I don't want to riled up so close to the fun part, right?

...Well not the good part quite yet. I mean, this was pretty damn entertaining and all that shit. I had the wonderful privilege of working with the new and improved Dr. T'soni, the one that would flay someone alive with her mind. That's shit that even Johnny wouldn't do...I scalped Fist and that's the closest I was ever getting to peeling skin off... Well, outside of my own because it's fucking neat. Peeling other people's skin off? Yeah, no thanks. I'll fuck you up in so many goddamn ways, but I'm not dealing with that shit again. I'll gladly blow your brains through the back of your skull, beat you to death with your own leg, shit like that. You might not distinguish the them, Pully, but there is a fucking difference to us badasses.

Anyway, back to T'soni, the "information broker." She was like a mini-Shadow Broker...and she wanted to go after the big guy himself. A challenge, an effort to take out one of the biggest mysteries in the goddamn galaxy. I was fucking in from the start.

_The interviewer is unintelligible_.

Why would I help her? Eh, I wasn't really helping her, Pully, it was like the Tuchanka thing. It was fun, it was a challenge, and it would help _me _a lot. Going through the Omega Four Relay, it'd be nice to have some information... or something. Lawson probably could have used it, I don't fucking know. She was all worked up still over Taylor's "death," so something to calm her down was good. Hey, she was a _good_ biotic, not like that shitty Imabiotic fucker...

And apparently the Shadow Broker was working with the Collectors, too. Fucking helping the bugs? That's signing your own fucking death warrant. So three reasons to help out the good Doctor: fun, information, and the Broker was a fucking dick. So I went to Illium to meet up with T'soni.

Well, long story short, the Doctor became the Shadow Broker. Fucking stupid ass mission, waste of my goddamn time. Do you know what the best fucking part was? I got fucking _hammered_. Holy shit, I was gone. I raided T'soni's station while we were on Illium in her apartment...

Tali and Garrus came along; they snooped and dug around while I just laid on the couch, drinking T'soni's liquor.

_Shepard grins_.

She had good fucking shit, too. Quality scotch from Earth, actually. I guess asari developed a taste for the stuff. Kasumi seemed to find it a lot, but never _good_ brands. Maybe she kept them in her bar... That bitch! Fucking Goto, keeping that shit from me? Damnit...

Fuck, I was living off of bottom shelf shit for that whole time? Damn, I should've just stayed on Illium and mooched off of Liara's fucking stash. Shit, I wish I could fucking choke out Kasumi right now. But she would probably go all invisible to hide from me...

Anyway, I could fucking talk about good liquor all day. Not a big tequila guy, that's how you get people to throw the hell up. Everywhere. Screaming party girls always seem to love the shit, though. Preyed on that on shore leave all the time. Get a loose girl, "Oh you're Alliance?" Blamo, score for Johnny. Vodka, eh, there's better drinks, rum is g...

_The interviewer is disgusted_.

What? Sure, I got fucking drunk. Drove around Illium in a cab, chased another fucking traitor ass Spectre, seeing fucking triple. Maybe there were three bad guy Spectres? Ha ha ha, fucking ridiculous. I was still drunk when I found the Broker in some random system!

But the Broker...the ultimate fucking suit. He sad behind a desk while everyone else did his dirty work. Pussy...go out and do it yourself. Like Widow did...

Anyway, we killed the Broker, the Doctor decided to take over for some fucking reason. I guess it worked out because she had about a trillion fucking resources during the Reaper War.

Pully, do you know what the worst part about the fucking Broker mission, though?

_An answer_.

Yeah, how did you know about that? Joker fucked up. Again. When we were going after the fucking suit, I left the fucking ship in his hands. For ten minutes while we raided the Broker's station. The fucking Collectors attacked _my _ship. They found it using that goddamn IFF that the fucking AI and Joker installed. Holy shit... The only reason that fucking asshole was still breathing after that particular fuck up was because he was the only person who could fly that fucking beast of a ship. The _Normandy _wasn't like your average freighter.

Those fucking bugs, though. Attacked my ship, again. Took the crew while they were at it, but that wasn't important. They fucked with me. The bugs just didn't learn their lesson: Don't fuck with Johnny Shepard. I was goddamn furious. No more waiting...

Time to go smash some ant hills in, right?

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><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading everyone. We're almost to the end of ME2! This chapter is more of a mashup; a drunk Shepard wouldn't exactly pay attention to the Shadow Broker and why would he want to go to the geth base so close to the end?_

_Lots of reviews for extra chapters? I'm having trouble finishing some of them (or even starting for that matter). I did modify the opening of the story a bit. Just a short blurb, really._

_I _DO _want to address LotSB. I always felt that the mission should be done before Shepard goes through the Relay. Why not complete every mission, including taking down the biggest information source in the galaxy, when you're on a "Suicide Mission." If I were in that position, there is no way I would leave that stone unturned if there was a possibility of not making it back through. In all my playthroughs of ME2, I do LotSB before the end. That's just me though. _

_Until next time..._


	26. The Swarm

_(Apologies for any update issues; they should be fixed now.)_

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon, but will follow the general story (Alliance - Collectors - Reapers). We're finally at the Suicide Mission!_

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Any thoughts are welcome. Thank you, and enjoy._

Mass Effect_ is owned by Bioware. Thank you very much to Stnemele for all the help! Here...we...go..._

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><p>Time to fucking go get some buggers. Goddamn assholes try to take my fucking ship...like a giant spit in the face. Sure, they took the crew, but they were all Cerberus assholes...and replaceable. Hell, the same ship got run by the different people during the war and the fucking Alliance <em>grunts<em> did it better. Traynor was better than Chambers, Adams better than the Irish guy, even the fucking cook was better. And they had goddamn Alliance provisions to use.

So, Pully, before you go around saying I'm a goddamn hero for "saving" my Cerberus ass crew, I didn't chase the Collectors because of them. It was for me. I fight for fucking me, okay? The _Normandy _was my ship. Stay away from it. No one sets foot on board without my fucking permission, you know? It's like your car, Pully, except about a million times more expensive. And with massive guns that'll blow your ass into dust.

_A nod from the interviewer and an excited comment_.

Yeah, yeah, we were about to go through the red relay. Goddamn fucking asshole Joker... I didn't want to go so quick, maybe enjoy my fucking time and have some pleasure on Omega, but that goddamn fucking asshole Joker was ready to go. Said this kind of grudge couldn't wait, that I could get my kicks after. Bastard. The brittle-boned fucker was right: I hold grudges and the one with the Collectors was _not_ going to wait. Nothing to get your blood pumping like squishing some bugs. Fuck 'em.

Over the relay and through the woods, to roach fucker's homeworld we go. IFF, the virus one, was working just swell, somehow. We broadcast that shit and zoom we go...I sat in the cockpit on this jump because I didn't want asshole Joker to fuck it up...

But he did well. His captain was pleased.

_A smirk_.

We popped out of FTL right into the middle of a goddamn ship graveyard. There was all kinds of shit just floating around from ships that tried the jump before. Turian, asari, a few human ships were empty, wrecked from the relay jumps. Then there were others, fucking thousands of years older... that means it's history so who fucking cares? Big old orange sun and black hole mix way off...

Ha, reminds me of the fucking orange from that Prothean vision from a few years ago...

_Shepard's breath quickens_.

Yeah, umm, fuck that vision. Whoaaa, come on Johnny, that shit was years ago. Just because she can't help you doesn't mean... No help...

_A very long pause that the interviewer breaks_.

Okay, Mr. Pulitzer. I'll set the scene. Fucking creepy place, dead ships everywhere...saw a Blue Suns crest on one of them. Suck it, Blues...

So the Collectors. It actually would've been pretty damn easy to hide in the middle of all that shit. But, they are fucking bugs, so logic doesn't work on them. The fuckers had this giant fucking cylinder, rocky thing that it's big ship was docked on. By the way, the fucking roaches had one ship that attacked me. And it was the same one from Horizon... And the first _Normandy _attack. And the trap they set... Yeah, I know. It doesn't make any sense...

_A question_.

Defenses? Of course, Pully. They weren't that stupid. They sent these weird drones after us; they looked like little circles with these big red eyes. Shot out lasers like the Reapers did...I saw a few of them in some of the battles during the war, too. Fucking pieces of shit, that's what they were. Nicked up the ship armor _really_ bad...guess I should've listened to Taylor while he was still alive, eh? The pussy wanted some extra armor for the ship. Probably would've stopped some of the insides from falling apart, but, come on, it was fucking Taylor. Imabiotic!

_The interviewer is surprised_.

No...I'm not saying he was right, I'm just saying I should've listened to him.

_Rebuttal_.

Fuck you, Pully, it's not the same thing. How the fuck would you know, you weren't there! You didn't see the fucking Collector mush, Zaeed's body crushed under the fucking _Normandy's_ insides...

_A surprised interruption_.

Wait, what do you mean "Who was Zaeed?" Zaeed Messerini... The mercenary we hired on Omega before we left. When we stopped at Omega to refuel and picked up this guy, you know, as another body, and fucking Joker wouldn't let us do anything else. Fucking Joker... But Zaeed... Grizzled old guy, I really didn't talk to him much. He was with us for all of a day, anyway. But, seriously, I didn't tell you about him Pully?

_Confirmation and exasperation_.

Oh, come on, who cares? He died in fucking ten minutes. Not that big of a of a deal. He just kind of got crushed when fuckface Joker crashed the ship. The end, non-refundable deposit... You know, that fucking money is probably in a bank account somewhere gaining a shit ton of interest, purely based off of the recovery of the market post-War. If he invested it right, fuck, that couple thousand credits we threw him for "helping" us is probably worth millions now.

And, judging by your face, Pulitzer, I _am _familiar with interstellar finance. Ha ha ha, fucking Johnny Shepard is full of surprises!

But, shit, I still can't get over me forgetting about Zaeed. I guess he wasn't that memorable. Never really made an impact so why _should_ I remember him? Just a guy, a gun for hire.

_The interviewer provides information on the mercenary._

What? He _founded _the Blue Suns? Shit, if I knew that I would've killed the guy straight away. Those dickheads were trying to fucking kill me for months...why the hell would I want their leader? Yeah, it's a good thing he died quick because I definitely would've taken a bit more time to kill Zaeed. Fuck that guy. Damnit...and you thought I would like the guy, Pully? Shit, you don't know me at all...

Eh...back to the Collector base. Their ship came out to meet us, bam, bam, explosion, crash...

Most of the time on any missions I stayed away from the cockpit just because it was boring. This time, though, it was a blast. Fucking little robots flying everywhere, big guns, Joker flying... Fucking asshole, but still a good pilot. You have no idea how much I hate admitting that. That's like me saying you're a good reporter, author, what the fuck ever. Goddamnit, Pully.

_A smirk from the interviewer_.

Just messing with you, Mr. Pulitzer the Great. You're just the fucking _best_.

Catch the sarcasm, there?

_A sigh_.

That's what I thought, you're getting better! The _Normandy_, she was better, too. The shield upgrade Tali wanted, that saved our asses for sure. Well, at least a few of our asses. Anyone near the core would've been vaporized if that thing overloaded... Good job, gypsy. They still fucking sucked, though. Goddamn suit breaches...

_The interviewer urges Shepard to get back on track_.

Shit, Pully...yeah, yeah, this is important I guess. The quarians are still just the worst. But anyway, we charged at the big ship with our big gun, too. The one that Garrus got, some super cannon thing...tore that fucking rock ship apart. If it didn't destroy it, it sure as hell fucked it up. Beautiful explosion and I knew a bunch of the Collectors ate it on the fucking ship. With that thing gone, the base was defenseless, so we just landed on the side in the base's kinetic field...Magnetic field...whatever. Just say that gravity worked. We landed on the side, nice and smooth, hidden from sensors on the massive ship. That thing was huge, too. Not as big as the Citadel, but damn close...at least it looked that way.

_Comment_.

Oh, you saw pictures? No shit...I didn't know they recorded that stuff. Too bad it's not there anymore... Yeah, we had a meeting, to figure out our tactics. I wanted to do the Torfan method: charge and just fucking space rape everything in our way. Our squad _was_ way smaller than the bunch of guys I had on the moon, but each of them had the fucking firepower of ten of an Alliance fucking grunts. Heh, Grunt especially.

Play on words, Johnny is fucking clever! We were clever with our plan, too. The team, we decided to split up into two groups to cover a little pipe that would open these doors to get in the base. They were better fortified than the asshole batarians on Torfan so we had to get sneaky. There was some heat valve, whatever, that would let us in. There was a...shortage...of volunteers for the job. No one wanted it, but no one would've refused it. Hah, Taylor probably would've said "Imabiotic, I can do it!" I sent Krios in, though, because he was quick in tight spaces. He seemed honored to be chosen. Probably wished he wasn't in there later, ha ha.

_A question_.

Patience...you'll see.

We split into two groups, one with me, one with Garrus. I had some Horsemen with me and Mordin...his incinerate worked wonders on organics. Smelled the burnt flesh, watched the bugs panic as they caught on fire. The wrecking crew on one path, the tactical group on the other. Garrus had his girl Tali with him, and the leftovers in the team. We smashed through any resistance. A couple "Direct Control" guys showed up, but we took 'em down quick. Overall , just a solid performance. I was actually proud of my team...clinical, no remorse, no hesitation. Krios got the locks open as we went, but then we hit a snag...

You see, the Collectors' tech wasn't completely tuned to our omni-tools. Krios got to one of the heat duct doors and helped us out. We got through the final door, killed a bunch of bugs. Both teams met up, we were all happy doodle dandy. I wanted to keep going, but it was a rough fight for some of them. It was pretty much a rest stop. All we needed was Krios, but he got... stuck in the pipe. Anyone would have in there. Fucking heating tube. The last valve in his heat pipe thing wouldn't open...and it got hot in there _really_ fast. So quick he barely had time to burn before the skin started melting. And the oxygen he was breathing helped the fire start...he screamed...

Drell screams are...uncomfortable. Screaming like that is, anyway, no matter who's doing it, but the way the drell voices are made it worse. They have that throaty sound along with the high pitched yell of a normal scream. I hadn't heard one up until then because I really hadn't fought any. We just watched as he struggled to get out while he burned. His melted skin rubbed up against the walls of the tube he was in. You could see bone. His fucking eyes caught fire...and he screamed the whole time...

_Shepard's breathing quickens._

It...relax Johnny... It was unnerving. To see the assassin, normally in control, melt and panic and scream. That raspy scream. And drell are used to heat so he lasted longer than a human would. Just burned... I think he died when the screams stopped... or he just couldn't anymore because his vocal cords got fucked up. Ten minutes went by...by the at time Lawson and Kasumi were vomiting, Tali shivering, Garrus and Grunt silent. The Justicar said a fucking prayer. They were all friends with the guy, I guess... One of the most fucked up things I've seen...I mean, I didn't like the drell, but shit, I wouldn't wish that death on many people...

Legion, it was a good thing he was there, because he got the group kickin' again. Well, after I fucking ordered them to grow a fucking pair. We kept going, then we saw the processing...

So, the processing, I've said stuff about this before. A lot of fucked up shit happened on this goddamn station. We continued on with our march through the base after getting through the first section. We left Thane's remains because there wasn't any way to get in there. Sucky place to be left behi...

_Shepard hesitates_.

...Left behind. Especially if you were in the pods. We thought they used the pods to move and store the prisoners, well, I mean the colonists taken in the raids. Turns out they were processing units. The room we were in, there were about two hundred pods. I guess we lucked out because the crew was in there. The red head engineer, fucking Chambers, Doc Chakwas... All in stasis, all in a lot more trouble than they thought.

It started in the far side of the room, the grinding. Some random colonists started to scream... Not as bad as Krios', but still creepy. There were these little machines the in the pods that started to grind up the colonists into this gray mush. And my team jumped into action to save as many as they could. I bolted to Chakwas because she was really the only person worth anything. Ha, a good drinking buddy and she knew all of my fucking injuries...

Really, long story short, I got the Doctor out and fuck me, we had a giant goddamn group of civies and unarmed Cerberus fucks that wanted my goddamn help. Umm...no thanks? I'm not devoting any of my resources to those fuckers. At least my useful ones.

I gave them Kasumi to escort them back to the _SR-2_. She was about to crack anyway. Apparently human goop and Thane's burning was more than she could handle. If the dickbag crew and the random people wanted cover, they get the fucking thief. She wasn't worth shit in a fight anyway. So they all fucking peaced out.

Turned out later that Kasumi freaked out on the way back to the ship. Got herself killed when she tried to run for it...abandoned the survivors a klick from the ship Half of them got slaughtered by the Collectors. Most of them weren't part of the crew, so it wasn't a big worry. Just a shame that the girl couldn't hold it together.

Eh, I had more important things to do. We had swarms to deal with... We lost some on that run, too.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Well, that was the SM Part 1. I may or may not have trolled some of you by adding Zaeed so late...but would Johnny _really _have been friends with the guy? He founded the Blue Suns, someone that Johnny is not fond of. Shepard holds his grudges, too, so I can't see the founder of a gang living too long. There's some history with the Reds there, but I figured you guys would make that connection. Zaeed and Johnny are two different people: dispite appearances, Zaeed _is _a good guy. Just my opinion._

_SM Part 2 will likely be posted this Friday. I'm getting awfully close to the end of Mass Effect 2. Let me know what you think of the story so far, where you think it's headed (or where it _should _head). I made a few edits to the first few chapters; it is quite surprising how much the character has changed since the beginning. He was a lot less pissed off in March._

_And, for anyone saying "This fic deserves more attention," spread the word. Leave reviews. Favorite, follow, and tell your friends. You have no idea how much Johnny...I mean...yeah, I mean myself would appreciate it!_


	27. Breaking Point

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon a bit, but will follow the general story (you know the deal)._

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Seriously. They help so much. Thanks much to Loteva for the consistent feedback. Any thoughts are welcome. Thanks to stnemele for the editing!_

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware._

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><p>So fucking Kasumi just freaked out and made us lose half of the people we accidentally rescued. Not that big of a loss in my mind. We lost that merc on the ride in and Krios…well, you know. I don't want to make you queasy again, Pully. I saw your face, you were practically green.<p>

Ha ha, like Krios was!

_The interviewer objects_.

Oh, don't be ashamed. Remember, two of the people on my fucking team lost their lunch over it. But, let's get by that…we lost three of eleven. Suicide mission for those three, at least for that far.

The AI radios us some information because our path split and fucking bug hives don't exactly have street signs. Once again, two goddamn paths, two goddamn teams, except we had to keep this biotic bubble around both. The Collector swarms were in full force, zipping all over, just waiting to fuck us up. Lawson had the great idea of putting up biotic bubbles so the swarms couldn't get it. I was on board…I could protect myself with my own biotic shield and there was enough power in the eight people left to run smoothly. Two teams, two bubbles, move forward… Yup, that was the plan.

_A query_.

I know, right? So simple. It worked…well kind of. Once again, two teams. I brought Legion and Grunt with me. Ja… I helped maintain the bubble. Lawson and the Justicar took over the other bubble with the rest of our guys.

And off we went. It was actually pretty simple. The bubble holders were definitely having some trouble, though. I know my nose was bleeding and I had a nasty headache. Hell, even the asari was struggling. Our amps, we got to see the damage they can actually do to your head.

The fight down to the next room was actually pretty damn simple. Some husks, some buggers, some Control guys. Really, there was nothing particularly difficult other than maintaining that goddamn shield. When we got to the door, though, that's when shit got bad. First, we had to hack it. Legion on my door, Tali on Garrus's. The headache got worse, the bubble shrunk. Lawson moaned.

Our shield, _my _shield, held…we got through the door. All four of us got through, no problem. Legion and Grunt were fine. The others, we could see what was happening as soon as we joined up. Team Garrus was having a bit of trouble; Tali got the door open okay, but…

Well, Garrus and Tali got through. Miranda, her fucking eyes were red and she was barely standing up. Samara, she was too far away from the door, on her fucking knees. Then her biotic bubble fell…and then she was just gone.

_Request for an explanation_.

I mean gone. One second she was there, the next she was gone. Nothing there. The swarm surrounded her and all we heard was a scream… Still don't know what happened to her. It's not like they used her as goop for the machines. Maybe they ate her? I fucking closed the doors right away because the swarms were getting closer. Johnny isn't ending up as goop, you know?

Lawson, though, getting carried away probably would've been merciful compared to what happened to her. I turned around to Tali crouched over the bitch…her ears, nose, mouth, fucking _eyes_ were bleeding. Goddamn crazy…she went into convulsions, shaking all over. You could see the veins in her head bulging. She was bug-eyed, it looked like they would explode... And then there was a pop. It was quiet, but you could hear it...and see it. Just a spout of brains and blood on the wall. Her goddamn head popped straight out the top…I'm not sure why…

_A possible reason is offered_.

Fuck me, an amp overload? Holy shit…fuck… Wow. Guess I should've taken it easier some of those times? Her head was a goddamn crater… Amp overloads… Shit, Pully, they don't put that on the instruction manual…

Huh… I guess we were all pretty numb to death at that point. I've always been, Garrus started to be, Mordin saw it with the STG, and Legion was a goddamn machine. Grunt wasn't used to acquaintances dying so he was a bit fidgety. Tali was the surprising one, though. She took the deaths like a champ… I guess Johnny toughened the girl up, eh?

Well fuck, there we are, the seven of us. Lost almost a half of the group just getting through to the final run. EDI let us know that there was a big chamber where all the power was coming from. Good thing we brought the nuke launcher because I was damn excited to blow shit up. I still hadn't gotten the revenge for attacking my goddamn ship, _twice_. And I needed to kill all of them.

They _did_ fucking kill me, remember?

The seven of us, we're ready to go. The buggers, though, they start pushing through the doors. I needed some time to take care of business, so I left a few of the team behind so they could cover my ass. Not so much a Torfan… similar though. I figured it was suicide for them. I brought Mordin and…

_A pause_.

I left Garrus in charge. He grabbed Tali, Grunt, and Legion to help him "Hold the line." I could've used his motivational speech then, because all I said was "Cover our asses." Us three, we hopped on a platform to go destroy the fucking base.

Ride on some platforms, some Collectors, some husks, a giant fucking Reaper…

_Exclamation_.

Oh shit, come on Pully. It was a giant fucking Reaper. Looked human. I've said things about it before… Anyway, it was big, had some fucking lasers, and was made of dead mushy colonists.

One shot from the nuke gun took it down. A big fucking gun, you know?

Hmm. The next part is hazy. I blocked some of it out. The Illusive Man wanted the base for research. EDI patched him through to Mordin…I declined the offer, told him to fuck off, and set a bomb to blow up the base. Then we ran off. Platforms started collapsing from the Reaper going down, jumping around, running back to the ship...

…And I guess that's that. No big surprise that I blew that fucking place up, really. I'm not letting goddamn Cerberus control that base. The fucking Alliance would've probably fucked it up, too. I figured I'd blow the shit place up. Garrus, Grunt, Tali, Legion, Mordin... They all got out with me. Fifty percent casualties isn't bad for Johnny. But...

_Shepard hesitates._

...Well, pretty much no more Collectors. Killed them all in one big fucking bang. Ended that chapter once and for all; got my fucking revenge. No one kills me and gets away with it.

_A nervous laugh from both parties_.

So we went back through the relay, got word about some goddamn Reapers and then I blew up that fucking shit Batarian colony. Crashed a fucking asteroid into the relay in the system…went supernova pretty much. I figured the relays might have some sort of fail-safe so that shit didn't happen. I mean, there's all kinds of comets and asteroids flying around… What if one randomly hit a relay? Wouldn't we have shit blowing up all the time? Fucking Protheans, aliens, whoever built them...

_The interviewer comments._

No, Pulizter. Shut the fuck up.

There's shit flying everywhere, you'd figure there'd be more relays explo…

_The interviewer interrupts again._

I said shut up, Pulitzer. I am not talking about that.

_Shepard's face darkens during the next comment._

What do you mean "What about Jack?" What fucking about her, Pully? I told you we aren't fucking talking about that. It doesn't matter…fuck you, it's my story. I keep what I want to myself, okay?

_The "shakes" come as Shepard's breathing quickens._

Okay, fucking fine, Pully. You want the fucking scoop, how to make Johnny Goddamn Mother Fucking Shepard pissed off? Go ahead, ask about her again. Go ahead. Fucking go! Do it. Ask. I fucking dare you.

_The interview nervously asks._

Okay, you want the truth? Jackie was there. She was with me the whole time. Helped the team get past the heat vents, helped with the biotic shield, and she was at the Human Reaper with me and Mordin...

_Shepard hesitates as the interviewer encourages a continuation._

…She fell when the platform collapsed. Not just, "oops I fell over." She fell. What? Stop looking at me like that, Pully.. She fucking fell, okay? The platform collapsed, we slid down it. Mordin went one way and hung on. Jackie and I slid…

Fuck you, Pully, the goddamn Collectors built that place all shitty. I didn't do anything wrong! Don't give me that goddamn judgement you little piece of shit. I'll…

_Hesitation from both the interviewer and Shepard._

We both fell. Down the goddamn platform, it started to fall. She fell.

_Shepard is silent for a long moment._

I… I fucking… She was right there, Pully, she was right goddamn there. I had her in my arms, like a goddamn cliché vid. Two people in goddamn love hanging on to each other… She fell…but it wasn't my fault. I dropped her because of the explosion. We got tossed around, she fell out of my grip…

_Shepard is quiet for a long moment._

Okay, Pully, I fucking dropped her... I had her in my goddamn hands and then I goddamn dropped her. I shouldn't have, but the goddamn Reaper…the goddamn Collectors, the goddamn everything. I fucking dropped her okay? But it wasn't my fault!

_Shepard gets louder as the interviewer speaks._

Fuck you, Pully, I'll rip you limb to fucking limb. It wasn't my fault... The only woman, hell, the only goddamn person I ever fucking liked… No, you know what, I fucking loved her, okay? Goddamn everyday part of my goddamn wild fucking life. And I fucking dropped her. You wanted the goddamn scoop, you little fucking shithead. So what, I'm not… I fucking told you not to ask me.

Holy shit, I'm going to goddamn kill you. You had to pressure me, didn't you. Just had to. I shouldn't have brought her along. She should've been with Garrus, not me. We didn't need three fighters for the last run. I just nuked the fucking thing anyway... She fell because I wanted her beside me. I wanted her there, to see me beat the Illusive Goddamn Fucking Man. I wanted to see her at my fucking best, defying everything. Fuck the Reapers, Cerberus, "impossible" missions. But... Jackie fucking died because I couldn't fucking hold on…

That's why I destroyed the base. It wasn't because of the Alliance, the Illusive Man, the fucking Reapers. I blew up the base because I didn't want to find Jackie mangled or some shit. Just fucking fell…because Johnny Shepard couldn't keep his fucking grip on the only good thing to ever happen to him. You figure I deserved something, right? I lost both my parents, got fucked by the Reds, lost Williams, all those people… Deaths weigh on you, Pully, fucking deaths weigh a lot.

A lot… and Jackie… Fuck… you'd think I deserved even a scrap of normalcy. I didn't have a goddamn childhood, a goddamn family, no fucking... Just... What the hell did I do to deserve all this shit thrown on me? And the one good thing, the Reapers took away... motherfuckers. And you, Pulitzer...

Go away, asshole. Get the fuck out of her, and don't goddamn come back. I'm fucking done with your shit, okay? I said I goddamn… and you… fuck!

_Shepard lies down across the room._

Go away, Pulitzer. Just…just get the fuck out of here before I rip you to shreds. I've done it before...just because you're my friend doesn't mean I won't do it to you. I fucking killed both of them and I'm definitely not afraid to kill you. Get the fuck out!

_The interviewer hastily leaves._

I fucking dropped her…

* * *

><p><em>AN: And that's _Mass Effect 2_. Hope you all liked it._

_Due to the abysmal amount of feedback I've been getting, there will no longer be bi-weekly updates. I need to catch up on the writing, give my editor a break, and really just sit back and relax. Despite appearances, I do put effort into this writing (it's the only non-school related creative writing I've ever done, college included). As I've said in the past, continuation will be based on the amount of feedback and I'm really getting none. However, I firmly believe in finishing what I start, so I will write Johnny's story to the end. It is merely a matter of length, now._

_I'll be back in two weeks, back to the Tuesday updates. Chapters will likely be shorter as I don't want to re-plot __the third part of the trilogy with no readers. _


	28. Johnny Versus The Reapers

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon, but will follow the general story (Alliance - Collectors - Reapers)._

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thanks to stnemele for the editing!_

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware._

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><p><em>After a nearly disastrous end to the previous day's session, our Pulitzer Prize winner requested to see former Commander Shepard one more time. The prisoner accepted the opportunity, as he wished to finish telling his <em>Mass Effect.

* * *

><p>Oh, look who's fucking back. Goddamn fucking Pulitzer himself. Good thing I'm in a good mood right now or you'd be a fucking splat on the wall. I told you not to ask, Pully, goddamnit. I <em>told<em> you. Shit... We don't talk about that anymore, okay? It wasn't my fa...

_The interviewer sits and tries to calm Shepard_.

Yeah, yeah... Okay... They took her from me, that's all you need. Now you at least have some background flying into the last chapter of my goddamn Mass Effect. Why I did what I did. What was necessary, what was revenge... A lot of fuckers out in the galaxy think that I _saved_ them when fighting the Reapers. Shit, they're a bunch of romantics. I wasn't helping anyone, I wasn't a savior or a goddamn hero... I'm Johnny Shepard, the Butcher, and the war was all about me. Johnny versus the Reapers.

And I fucking won.

_The interviewer suggests a starting point_.

Huh, yeah I guess we can start there. I'm not going back to the base, okay? That... they took her... Damnit!

_Hesitation_.

Yeah, Vancouver. For some reason I was being grounded for blowing up that batarian system. Since when was the Alliance friends with those assholes? It didn't make any sense to me, but it was a nice break. The Collectors were finished and it was me pretty much just waiting for the Reapers to show their fucking...faces? Do Reapers have eyes or are they just... there? Eh, science, right? You stick to your English and words, I'll stick to my guns and fucking biotics. We'll let someone else take care of science. Ha, where's Mordin when you need him?

When I got back to Earth, it was not a happy welcome. Last time I was there they brought me in with a giant fucking parade. This time, I was a Cerberus agent "under arrest." As if they could ever fucking catch me...

_A question_.

Oh, yeah they didn't capture me after blowing up that fucking batarian relay. No, no, it was fucking Joker. He turned me in! Well, not on purpose, but when he docked on Earth, they were less than pleased about the whole Cerberus nonsense. Kicked the aliens off the ship... Garrus went back to Palaven, Tali went to her gypsy fleet, Grunt went to Tuchanka, and I guess Mordin went back to doctoring somewhere.

The humans, we were all fucking taken in. We didn't even get to relax. But, some of the asshole crew got off without even getting a slap on the wrist. Fucking Joker got fly the _SR-2_ without even getting a trial; Cortez flew that ship just fine so it wasn't like Joker was necessary to fly the ship... Joker wasn't special in any fucking way. They should've put the cripple in fucking jail and let him get... Well, you know what happens in prison. The sarcastic asshole wouldn't have lasted a fucking week, ha ha.

I got "taken in." Pretty much just had my wings clipped is all. I got free roam of the city because I was Johnny Shepard. Spectre-ship has it's goddamn privileges, you know? And it was my city, I knew the place well. It hadn't changed much since my last visit... The Reapers put everyone on edge, though. There was a bit more military, stricter security and they had some martial law in place.

Why is "martial" spelled like "marital?" Marital law...the law of spouses...

Should've done that everywhere, if you ask me. Not the marriage thing, the military thing. Drafted civies...it wasn't like they would be worse than normal Alliance grunts. Fuck, most of them died anyway without ever taking a goddamn shot. The _only _good thing about the turians: every single one of them knows how to fight. They're fucking conscripted and don't have a goddamn choice. We should have done that...maybe a few more humans would've survived...

Sure, there'd be a lot more dumb grunts, like on Torfan, but there were a few good ones. Vega, he was actually pretty badass. Looked like a grunt, talked like a grunt, but he knew his shit. A good fighter and a better fucking drinker. Alenko showed up again, too. He'd hardened up a bit since our little spat on Horizon. Better biotics, better shot, a fucking _Major_. All because of me. The gang, we went out a few times during my "incarceration," but I never did anything because I missed her...

_The interviewer urges Shepard on track to avoid issues_.

Shit...

_A sigh_.

Well, let's just say it was back like normal time while we were waiting for the Reapers. Owning Vancouver, running wild. The Alliance wasn't too worried about me doing shit locally... As long as there weren't any aliens involved or blowing up space stations, the brass was fine with it. The grounding was the strictest they do to, anyway. I had no issues fucking up a few bullshit guards if I wanted to have some fucking fun, you know?

Seriously, though. There really wasn't much else anyone could do, anyway. Just waiting...

Then the Reapers came and shit hit the fan. And I was happy in a sick, twisted way. A massive fucking "I told you so" to the entire goddamn galaxy.

_A smirk as the interviewer murmurs_.

Hey, I was right. Well, mostly, but I was _right_. Fucking politicians, Alliance, turians, aliens, they all just shit on me. I have a goddamn right to be smug. And it was refreshing too because I didn't owe any fucking person anything. No one listened, everyone left me out to dry, so I left them on their own. The Reaper War was going to be fought on my terms. Remember, Johnny versus the Reapers.

_Comment_.

My team? Fuck my team, they all turned their back on me eventually... That's not now, though, Pully. Later...

The day of the attack, right. I was looking across the city, _my_ city. Nice fucking day, nice fucking view. Vega and Alenko were around, I was just shooting the shit with the two. Both were the closest things to friends, I guess. Vega would've made a nice Johnny Shepard apprentice if the war went longer. Playing cards, drinking... when they were off duty of course... I was always off duty. Nice advantage of being grounded, heh.

_Another smirk_.

Just another normal day on Earth... until fucking Anderson shows up. "Shepard you're important! Shepard, we can't do anything without you!" He was playing the same old shitty record. He was like a fucking lost puppy when I wasn't around... always did the guy's work, ya know?

Anyway, he comes in and says that the Reapers are on their way. Suddenly, I'm Commander Shepard again and I'm advising the military council on what we should do. What the fuck do you say then, Pully? It was fucking ridiculous... These guys disown me _twice_ then suddenly I'm the goddamn hero again. Those fuckers got what was coming to them when the Reapers finally landed. I'm sure I don't need to describe that shit...every human on Earth saw the squids falling from the skies. The ships just dropped from the sky and _everything _was a target.

One particularly big one, came down on the Alliance HQ I was in about five minutes before and just stopped. All six, eight, twenty-some legs rested on the ground...then it stared at me...

_The interviewer expresses disbelief_.

Fuck you, asshole. It stared right at me. They have that giant red eye, some of them. I swear on my... I swear on... I don't know, I just swear on fucking _something_, that the Reaper looked at me. Giant fucking shit, giant fucking eye, giant fucking lasers everywhere... So I did the logical thing.

I glared right back.

It was an unofficial balls contest. The Butcher trying to intimidate a goddamn kilometer long Reaper. I didn't budge. I'm not lying, Pulitzer. It was a good twenty seconds before our gaze got broken. Alenko tackled me out of the way of a red blast coming from another Reaper across the harbor. Alenko _might _have saved me, but I've been through things worse than a goddamn explosion.

You might want to document the next part, Pully. The big Reaper, made that loud Reaper horn-thing noise, looked at the one across the harbor and shot it. Not to kill, just to warn. I know what a killing shot looks like... It was like the big one was pissed off at the other... Fucking wild, right?

Shit, though... This whole time there were explosions everywhere. Remember, Pully, we're in Vancouver. _My _city. My home. I would've ruled that city, I've said that before. But the Reapers, damnit they fucking didn't spare anything. That beautiful skyline was fucked up immediately. I threw up a biotic shield to protect myself and the rest of the fight was a blur...

_Interjection_.

No, I didn't retreat. It was the only way to survive, regrouping on the _Normandy_. I wasn't happy about it, I wanted to fucking destroy every last one of those shitheads that were attacking my city. There was an Alliance ship and a Reaper battling above the harbor... After a few volleys, the cruiser ended up in the strait... the Strait of Georgia, if you don't know geography of Vancouver, Pully. It fucking smashed into the water, eezo going fucking everywhere... ruined the goddamn water for years. The old Red grounds, near Hastings, it got fucked with one giant red blast. Just explosions everywhere...

The Reapers, they destroyed my goddamn city. Burned it in front of my eyes. Sure, they husked a few people, killed a shit ton of civilians...I wasn't worried about that. It was the city. Vancouver was my home and they fucking burned it. The most beautiful view in the goddamn galaxy and those assholes ruined it forever. They're still fucking rebuilding the whole damn city... Hell, I probably won't get to see it "fixed." And new isn't the same as the old... Shit, though, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Mr. Pulitzer, where were you born? Hell, where were you during the first attacks? Do you have any perspective, here?

_Answer_.

Ah, Terra Nova... So it wasn't hit that hard. And the Citadel must have been a nice, shiny place when the Reapers first showed up... I bet you lost friends, family, what the fuck ever. But Earth, watching my city, my fucking planet burn... And that asshole Joker flew us out of there. The whole _Normandy_ without consulting the goddamn commanding officer. Fucking Anderson ordered him out of there, but the old guy got to stay! I should've been there fighting rather than running all over the goddamn galaxy for reinforcements.

When we boarded the _Normandy_, I figured it was to gear up and take the fight to them. Nope, the pussy ass Alliance ordered a general retreat... To all the people who survived on Earth: the Alliance left you to die.

Ha, they fucking left like my father did.

_A pause_.

Cut that...

_Another pause_.

Do it, Pulitzer, do it! Shit...

The retreat... Goddamnit. Vega was furious, Alenko certainly wasn't fucking pleased... The whole crew was itching to do _something_, to blow up some of the goddamn machines. Hell, Traynor was ready to fucking kill a few husks. Damn, if she would switch hit, ya know?

_A sigh from the interviewer_.

Yeah, I know...I won't get into it. Back to the invasion...we were all fucking furious when we left, but Joker was blindly following orders...

Hackett said something about Prothean ruins on Mars. What the fuck? It's always the Protheans...like they're some god-like species. Remember, they fucking _lost_ to the Reapers. Why were we focused on all of their shit? Sure, the space gun was important, but...

Okay, maybe I owe some shit to those buggy guys. Hell, maybe they were actually worth something... If only I would've met one, ya know?

But Joker... flew us right out of Earth's orbit and high tailed it to Mars. Apparently the barren landscape was more important that Vancouver...

He was such an asshole pilot... Fucking cripple... brittle bones. How about a brittle fucking life?

We sped off to Mars, I had a little conference with the Kodiak pilot, Cortez. Good fucking pilot right there. And he wasn't an asshole.

_A concerned inquiry by the interviewer_.

Ha, yup. Nice look on your face right there. It's not like I _planned _it, Pully. I went up to the cockpit with the intent of really only breaking his goddamn arms...but I got a bit carried away. I sent Alenko and Traynor to the AI core to...handle things with EDI so it wouldn't interfere...

Stormed up to the cockpit, biotics blazing... When I got to Joker, he started to give some smartass comment about getting away in time... He shut the fuck up as soon as he saw my face. Pure. Horror. Next thing I know...

Well, let's just say the... altercation ended poorly for the cripple. During the... yeah, he ended up with is skinny little neck in my fucking hand. He weighed hardly anything. Joker, he was like a little kid. Ha, the _joke_ was on him! Shit, I'm clever. Annnddd dramatic pause...

_Shepard smirks_.

I snapped the fucker's neck just by lifting him. At least something good came out of that day...

* * *

><p><em>AN: Oops, he killed him? Someone (I can't remember who, sorry) mentioned that they thought it would be a "funny" relationship between Joker and Shepard. I guess I didn't really portray his dislike of the little guy. EDI will be explained in the next chapter so no questions about her!_

_And as far as reviews: they are not meaningless...they motivate. It's interesting that the two chapters that got the most feedback were ones where I actually _complained _about the number of reviews. It shouldn't have to be that way, in my opinion. I posted this today (8/7/12) because I appreciate the feedback...remember, continuation and the frequency of updates will be based on said feedback._

_Also...some of you feel _bad _for Shepard? Apparently I have done my job... I certainly don't feel bad for him. I suppose he's better at twisting words that he thought._

_The Reaper showdown? Did it happen? Johnny may have been lying there..._


	29. All Work and No Play

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon, but will follow the general story (Alliance - Collectors - Reapers)._

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thanks to stnemele for the editing. Check out _"Delving Into Hell."

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware._

* * *

><p>So, yeah, I just went a bit overboard, eh? The look on my crew's face... Oh man that was fantastic. A lot of people didn't like that guy because he was such a dick, but he'd become part of the <em>Normandy<em>. Killing Joker, it was like I cut out part of the ship. Well, a creaky, annoying, and horrible to look at part...

He deserved it, though. Didn't even consult me. It was his time to fucking go. I had Cortez as a pilot...better goddamn person, too. Much more tolerable...

_The interviewer is shocked_.

Oh yeah, the grand pilot of the Alliance didn't die because of the Reapers, he died because he was an asshole. Hey, you know what they say: assholes finish last!

_Stuttered response_.

Ha ha, you're so fucking hilarious right now. Your face... damn...

_Recovering, the interviewer asks a question_.

Oh, the AI?

Shit, Pully, thank the maker that Alenko and Traynor fucking shackled the AI before I snapped the fucker's neck. That thing would've done... Well it would have killed us in a worse way than how I killed Joker. The goddamn machine actually _screamed_. It couldn't do shit, though. Programming kept it in check, kept it on our side. The difference between the geth and EDI was emotion. Somehow the fucking ship AI developed goddamn feelings...the old robots, though, they just ask questions and worry about stupid shit like "individuality" and having fucking souls.

What a load of bullshit, ya know?

_Question_.

No, they don't have a soul... The concept of a soul in a geth is a bunch of fucking crap anyway... But we'll get to that later, Mr. Pulitzer. Come on buddy, we're on Mars! No geth for fucking light years...

Cerberus, though... They were there in force. For Mars, I mean. There were a hundred or so guys which is a lot for a squad so close to Earth. When we were chasing Saren, I know my team stumbled upon some big hideouts, but most of the populated areas were low on Cerberus soldiers. Mars was different though...Cerberus was different. They started Indoctrinating their own troops with tech that the Illusive Fucker found.

_Question_.

Oh, the _Normandy _went to Mars because Dr. T'soni was overseeing a dig site that had some fucking Prothean shit in it. That's where the plans for the Crucible were found, right on fucking Mars. I'm pretty goddamn sure that the Protheans wanted humanity to rule the galaxy. They left all the good shit in our system, the Beacon close to Alliance space on Eden Prime.

Ha, hey defense council! For this goddamn trial shit, I have the whole Prothean Empire on my side.

_Shepard smirks_.

Mars...we were trying to find the good Doctor. She had information on this artifact, but unfortunately a monster storm was cutting communication so we had to go in on foot. Me, Alenko, and Vega went in. We were short on guns because the fucking cripple made us leave Earth so goddamn quickly...and it _was_ almost suicide to go back. There were other ways to hurt the Reapers...

Ha, in hindsight, I miss how many fighters we had on the _SR-2_ during my Collector revenge chase shit. A lot of backup, a lot of grunts. Special soldiers, yeah, but some of them still grunts.

Pully, don't let me talk about the Collectors much, okay? It reminds me of... You don't want me to lose it again, right?

_Affirmation_.

Mars, then. The storm was brewing, Alenko and Vega were with me. We found some Cerberus troops, armored up, clearly ready for a fight. There were Alliance soldiers everywhere. All dead. Some had been shot in a regular old firefight, others looked like executions. Who the fuck executes prisoners? That's just a fucking asshole move. When the Cerb fuckers saw us, it ended up being a normal fight...

Biotic charge so I'm up close, took two out right away with some shredder shotgun blasts to the chest. Started my count...three was the normal biotic slam into the ground...crunch goes the spine. Ha, I was damn happy to hear Alenko counting, too. Apparently somewhere in the three years after Saren he found out that he liked the game. The next six kills were typical, although one was actually pretty funny. You know how I said this storm was closing in on us? Ha, I pushed one of the troops as hard as I could with my biotics. He went fucking flying...I mean _far_, too. There's no way he got back to cover before the storm hit. Hilarious, right?

_Urge for Shepard to continue_.

What, not funny? Asshole Mr. Pulitzer, stuck up because you're a fucking asshole shit. Yeah, I'm out of nicknames for you, okay? But hey, you're my fri...

Fuck.

_Shepard pauses and shakes his head_.

Mars, the research facility. Blowing through some Cerb bastards, we found T'soni, she told us about the Crucible and how it might help kill the Reapers. The whole fucking galaxy knows the Crucible. The schematics she had made it look like a space laser that could do some serious space rape. T'soni went on for a bit, filled us on shit, then we were on our way to actually download the full files from some Prothean thing. I was just glad I didn't have to have that vision again. That still...yeah, you know the drill, Pully.

_Comment_.

Yes, cut it.

Two things I needed to address when the Doctor was done explaining shit. By the way, I hardly ever paid attention to her... First, though: giant space gun? Fuck. Yeah. Holy shit, I couldn't fucking wait to fire that thing. First: blamo, dead Reapers... Second: the Alliance knew about this shit? How in the fucking universe did the Alliance think "Oh, let's not build this gun because the Reapers will definitely not attack." Shit, I think the Alliance deserved what it got. Sure, humanity blah blah, but fuck...a bunch of goddamn grunts.

Pully, you know what just occured to me? The Doctor was the Shadow Broker, right? Well, if you believe me... She was working on the science shit. And fighting the Reapers. And then doing Shadow Broker work... Busiest goddamn person in the galaxy, eh? Hell, I was flying everywhere to get ships to take back my city with, but I at least slept. I don't think the asari even used the goddamn bathroom, ha ha...

Mars...yeah, yeah, I'll get back to it before you bug me about it...

_Murmur_.

Ha, yeah, I guess you're right. The asides make your shit longer, don't they? Looks better for your fucking award...

_Short laugh_.

See, we're having fun again!

Annnnddddd... transition back to my story. You know what _wasn't_ fun? Goddamn Mars. All it was was fucking running around and _learning_. Fuck, it was horrible. At least there were some Cerberus soldiers to kill. And the big gun stuff.

Oh yeah, the fucking Illusive Man had a robot lady there to help him steal the Crucible shit. First off, I have no fucking clue why he wanted the Prothean stuff. He kept saying "control the Reapers!" so I guess that would have helped him? We knocked off that robot really quick with a nice rocket to the chest. Metal goddamn parts everywhere. Next thing I know, we're fucking running out of that base as fast as possible. Guess what? The wonderful Reapers decided to show up. A bit late to the party, but they fucking blasted the shit out of the Prothean artifact. A few of the first Reapers took a couple of shots at us, but the shields Tali installed on the _Normandy _held up to the first few lasers. She may have been naive as all hell, but she was a good fucking mechanic.

Yup, that was Mars... I knew we could...well not could, but _would_ if I had anything to say about it, rally some support to take back my planet on the fucking Citadel. Off we went... Damnit, why would I willingly go to that fucking place? Awful...

But Udina was there, weapons were there, and the _Normandy_ did need somewhere to fix itself up. The ship took a couple knocks when leaving Earth and Mars... I guess Cortez wasn't as good as Joker...eh, who cares?

_A comment_.

Why the Citadel? I suppose I figured Udina could help us with the Citadel fleet. Maybe he'd use his magic Council powers to get us some ships... Of course, they didn't help. They never helped... Udina was pissed, I was fucking furious... The fuckers _did _start to provide some resources to build the Crucible weapon, though. Big guns are pretty damn neat.

The Citadel was buzzing with fucking refugees when we arrived. At the time, I didn't realize how bad the other worlds got hit. I didn't fucking care, but I still didn't actually know. You know the story: Palaven was burning, the batarians were fucking gone. Colony worlds all over were getting slammed by Reapers. Hell, fucking Omega got attacked. The Reapers _fucked with Aria_ and she had to leave. Took over a club, she helped me out with hiring some mercs to help with Earth. Fucking mercs...they made good meat-shields.

So there were refugees everywhere...not many asari or fucking salarians, though. Apparently their worlds got spared in the initial attack. Fucking assholes, right? The asari, they fucking sat around and waited for their enemies, waited to get space raped. Didn't want to get their hands dirty. The salarians helped out, though. That's why they're still around...actually gave some goddamn troops, goddamn ships. The lizards are okay in my book because of that.

Saw some Special Forces troops getting ready to ship out to some of the outlying worlds to take them back. Some went to Noveria, actually. Badasses, most of them. Biotics, tech experts, straight juggernaut troops... All different species; there were even some fucking Vorcha on the teams. A full fucking arsenal of troops... Props to whoever commanded that group. They hit places on Earth, Tuchanka even...

_A murmur and explanation_.

Oh... So it was some shadow group? Bioware? What the hell is that? Fucking weird name right there... Hey, though, they got the job done. Put together quite a team, if you ask me.

_Inquiry_.

Nice segue, Mr. Pulitzer My team? T'soni came with us from Mars, so half of the old team was back together. I actually caught up with Garrus and Tali on the Citadel because they were lobbying for help from the Council, too. The quarians were having geth issues, so fuck them. Tali knew it was a pointless argument so she was dead in the water.

The turians, on the other hand, were getting fucking pounded by the Reapers. By the way Garrus, the fucking news, refugees, fucking everyone described it, the fucking homeworld was getting demolished. Palaven was worse than Earth...they fucking deserved it. Hey, karma is a fucking bitch... Fucking turians, fucking First Contact. Fucking Saren... One of the few good things the Reapers did.

_Shepard pauses in thought. The interviewer requests that Shepard continues_.

Yeah, yeah, the Citadel. Garrus was there representing his species as the official Reaper expert... He wasn't pleased, although he had a good deal of power. Got to throw ships around like toys, something I never really got to do. A bit jealous , there, but I could tell he missed fighting on the ground.

So he left the job to go fight.

_Confusion_.

Yeah, I don't understand the logic, either. Archangel must have missed me, ha. Wanted to shoot up some Reapers...who am I to deny that? He dropped everything to come with Johnny on the _Normandy_. Had one condition, though: that'd we'd help Palaven... "Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, Vakarian, I'll do that..."

_A smirk._

He didn't get it, apparently.

Tali dropped everything because Garrus was going... I guess they were together or some shit. The old crew was back together. Fucking leaving that shiny place as soon as I could. I wasn't going to ask for any help from the Citadel. Maybe the salarians, maybe the krogan. I could definitely trick the clans into being fodder for taking back Earth. And the mad scientist, my buddy Mordin, he knew the dinosaurs damn good. I almost missed the fucker, so it was time to find him.

Miss Shadow Broker found out that he was hanging out on Sur'Kesh, pimpin' with a few krogan females...

* * *

><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading. ME3 will "play" faster when Johnny's running the show. Expect less side missions and more "Get troops for Earth, fuck you" in the coming chapters. Review, as always._

_A quick tidbit from my editor. We were discussing Johnny's point of view. Direct from stnemele, in reference to this writing style: "_It's also called first person limited narrative. You only get what the narrator wants to tell you and everything is tainted or just a lie. Because you know Johnny would totally twist EVERYTHING to make himself look good. Well, not good. Like a BAMF..."

_That's all for this week. Have a lovely day! (Reviews/follows/favorites would make mine better) Update will be next Tuesday._


	30. Extinction

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon, but will follow the general story (Alliance - Collectors - Reapers)._

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thanks to stnemele for the editing. Check out _"Delving Into Hell."

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware._

* * *

><p>So it was off to the salarian homeworld. Sur'Kesh, where Mordin was...and my first step to taking back my planet. It really was the only option.<p>

_Query_.

Well, I was never going to help the goddamn turians, the asari would just sit on their ass until the last minute, so both of those were out. The salarians were my route the krogan... The dinosaurs, they would fucking fight. That Urdnot Wreav guy, Wrex's brother, he "united" the clans under the "We'll fuck everyone up" slogan. I liked that idea.

I liked it a lot.

_Question from the interviewer_.

Yeah, I wanted to bring them to Earth. They'd pretty much be shock troopers, a fucking wave of dinosaurs. Problem was, these assholes didn't want to fight for free. They wanted something out of everyone's goddamn reach and something I definitely wouldn't fucking give them: a cure for the fucking Genophage. Oh yeah...somehow T'soni was aware of all this, too. She actually knew her shit this time around. I actually brought her along for fights!

The krogan, they found out that the salarians had some females and that the little lizards _might_ have a cure. So off to Sur'Kesh to figure something out. Something something, what the fuck ever.

_The interviewer expresses confusion_.

Yeah, I know it's goddamn confusing, Pully. Biology isn't my fucking forte. That's why I just showed up on the salarian's planet without an invite. Communication was just going to muddle shit up. I don't want to deal with that nonsense. I figured I'd stick a gun in a lizard's face and find this "cure" so I could give it to the krogan. Well, that's what the dinosaurs _thought_ I was gonna do... I'd find a way to fuck it up for them, ha ha.

Sur'Kesh in three words: sweaty fucking jungle. Fucking sweating the entire time I was there. I don't like that goddamn place. I mean, there were environments you don't see on Earth anymore, especially post-Reapers, so that was...neat? The place was untouched by any enemies so it was almost peaceful...definitely not my kind of planet. Somehow the planet made out pretty well during the war...not much damage to the world itself. The salarians are a bunch of sneaky bastards, right?

_Question and reluctant argreement_.

Ha! I knew you weren't big on aliens...

_Objection_.

Sure, sure, Mr. Goddamn Golden Pulitzer is a model citizen. You probably hate some species as much as me...hell, most humans probably do. The difference is, I have the fucking balls to say it. Even those Terra Firma bitches weren't forceful enough. Why anyone would forgive the batarians, the turians...fucking idiots.

_Exasperation and request for continuation_.

Fine. Don't admit it, you massive fucking pussy. You know who had a gaping hole? Allers, some reporter bitch on the Citadel. She probably died when Cerberus attacked, but she put out nice. Good tits, fucking screamer, good goddamn lay... Even Johnny needs a rebound, right? Brought her up to my cabin with the promise of a one on one interview, fucked her crazy instead. Ha, don't worry Pully, I won't fuck you. I promise...

_Shepard smirks_.

Got you nervous about some porn, maybe even involving you! Ha ha, I don't swing that way...not that there's anything wrong with that. Sur'Kesh?

Eh, when we got there it wasn't anything big. I mean, Alenko did just kind of drop us off in some secret base so the STG wasn't particularly pleased. They _knew_ who I was and what I fucking did...good for the salarians for actually paying attention to the fucking last thirty years. Every other species was blind to what I actually do, how I work...I think that's why the salarians were so willing to give me what I wanted...or something. They didn't want Johnny Shepard coming back at them with a giant fucking biotic fist.

_The interviewer recovers and asks a question_.

The reception? To make it short: "Hey, who are you?! Oh shit, Shepard! Stop, wait, no. Go get the Major and Mordin!" Then _Major_ Kirrahe, my buddy from Virmire, and good old crazy Mordin showed up. I explained shit, what I was doing. Mordin said he had a "cure" and a fertile female ready to go. This cure shit was all for show, by the way... Krogan didn't know that, though. Grunt reported the fake cure to Wreav, so we were all good it seemed...

Oh, shit, I forgot Grunt was there. He was representing the krogan on behalf of Clan Urdnot. Completely forgot about that...

The Genophage shit... Salarians and humans, we were both going to "help." Of course, both species needed the krogan and both species...well, I'm assuming I represented humanity on this one... didn't want the krogan cured. We had to be tricky. I'm not a planner, I'm a do-er, so the salarians got to figure out the deception. I got the privilege of fighting off the Cerberus forces that showed up...

_Comment_.

Yeah, I guess they were there to stop the cure from getting to the krogan. The Cerberus fucks had the right idea, kill the krogan, but had the wrong method. I was trying to save the krogan so they could die later... Cerberus wanted it done right away. Short-sighted, definitely Indoctrinated. Their logic followed the Reapers' logic... So we had a fucking fight on our hands. "Protect the female," Mordin yelled. Probably for science. So we did. The crazy fucker knew what he was talking about.

Finally some action, right Pully?

T'soni came with us from Mars, Garrus and Tali from the Citadel, and my Alliance buds were with me from Earth. The old team, Saren veterans and one new guy. So much improvement over the years, too. More brutal, no hesitation, just _better_. I let the two Horsemen go have some fun and Alenko fucked around in the Kodiak so there were four of us leftover...plenty to do some damage.

Cerberus drop ships were _everywhere_. Hell, they were more efficient than the goddamn Reapers sometimes. The Indoctrinated soldiers were aggressive and could take some hits. It wasn't like fighting Eclipse or Blue Sun mercs where you could mow them down with one shot each. Nope, these guys were like armored husks... Cerb bastards could take a ton of hits and keep coming.

Super Husks... armored, bigger, a bit smarter, and with guns.

So these Super Husks are piling out of dropships...I saw Alenko take a few out of the air with the Kodiak's cannon. The rest were for Johnny and his buds. Biotic charge, then the Rage.

Super Husks still made human noises when they got hit...the first one got a shoulder to the chest and I heard ribs break. Shotgun pressed to his head, closed casket funeral...or whatever the zombie equivalent is. T'soni threw down a singularity, I took out five floating assholes flailing around. I smelled the burnt flesh caused by Tali's drone, heard Vega's war cry... The good kind of chills, Pully. Fucking badass team with no second thoughts. T'soni flayed someone with her mind, Tali electrocuted a few guys, Vega blew the limbs off of another.

Un-fucking-stoppable. Johnny was in the zone, too. Eight...nine...ten... Three guys tossed over the side of the balcony to the rocks below. Eleven...twelve...thirteen...fourteen... Four shots to the stomach of four Super Husks. Then it was tunnel vision...just movement and sound. I heard a barrage of numbers...

_Interruption_.

...yeah, my teammates counting, shut up Pully. Heard "I am krogan!" and "Got one!" over the radio, blood in my mouth from me _and _my enemies. Mordin guarding the female krogan... Beating the troopers with their own riot shields... Slamming bodies off of walls... The constant stream of thermal clips...

Cerberus didn't have a fucking chance. We were just too goddamn good. The whole Collector army couldn't touch me, why would a few husks with guns even make me break a sweat? The only problem we ran into was the Atlas mech that Cerberus dropped from the sky.

_Confused question_.

Yeah, somehow it survived a couple thousand foot fall...sure, it had some shock absorbers, but damn, where's that technology now? I guess it must have just been lucky, eh? But, honestly, those things are fucking assholes... They aren't hard to take down, they're just fucking stubborn. Takes so long to knock them out of commision sometimes. Atlas mechs have armor _and _shields... my biotics don't really respond well to either. I did enjoy jumping on their backs.

Ha, that's kind of what I did to that Armature way back on Therum!

Eventually we took the mech down, took the Super Husks down, got rid of Cerberus for the salarians. They had it under control, sure, but who doesn't need a little Johnny during a fight? Slowly calmed down as we got the female krogan ready to go to Tuchanka. Salarian leadership was chittering to themselves, probably nervous about the whole "cure" thing.

They come over to me and ask me to sabotage the "cure" at all cost. Blah blah Genophage, bad for the galaxy, something called the Shroud, fucking science... The Shroud was some dispersal device for the original Genophage way back before humanity showed up. Fucking STG, right? I'm pretty damn pleased that we didn't find the salarians first. Could you fucking imagine how quick they would've knocked us out? That is _not_ a good thought. First Contact with the salarians...damn.

So blah, blah, we go to Tuchanka with the female to meet up with Wreav and the krogan "leaders." Like they had fucking leadership...

_Skepticism and a comment_.

Don't be so fucking naive, Pully. Do you really think those assholes could have _any _form of...structure? Sure, they had some shit in the past, but all they did was fucking fight. Blight on the fucking galaxy. They thought we were curing them. The salarians gave me a fake cure to disperse through the atmosphere. According to Mordin, it was a stronger Genophage, one that would make all krogan infertile. He designed it himself...he learned during our fucking Collector trip that the dinos weren't worth it. Opened his eyes. He said he made a mistake by not doing more...

Not _really_, though. If he would've killed them all, who would have been the meat-shields on Earth?

So we're off to this Shroud place to do something sciencey. Salarians, whatever. I had a gun, I wanted to kill shit, and I didn't trust anyone else to get it done. Wreav was "commanding" and Grunt was coming with us, too.

A bit of a problem, though...there were Reapers guarding the fucking place. They thought we were distributing a real cure, ha! Johnny had to fucking fight for the same goddamn goal as his enemies... Sure it gave me a chance to take down some fucking Reapers, but it was a bit goddamn annoying.

Set the scene, Pully?

_The interviewer expresses excitement_.

Yeah, you should be excited. Reapers versus a giant fucking thresher maw...the biggest one there was. Quite a fucking site... That would have been a good fucking movie. We'll get there, though.

The Shroud was a giant tower built by the salarians way back when. It looked really out of place in the fucking nuked out wasteland of Tuchanka. A Reaper was parked in front of it, taking shots at our support ships flying around. No one of any importance got blown to shit...fucking coward though for shooting from far away. Fight me face to face...or whatever the Reaper version of a face would be. Goddamn asshole made me get out on foot and fight through ground troops on the way. Normal shit...whole team was there, ruthless fight through some krogan ruins, almost to the Shroud...

Then the thresher maw you're so goddamn excited about popped up. I guess it was pissed about the Reapers dicking up its territory. Blamo, it goes straight out of the fucking ground. The fucking thing goes at the Reaper while it randomly shot its little beam of death. Ha, caught Wreav's truck and blew him sky high... I guess some other dinosaur led the krogan from then on...never really bothered to find out...

The giant maw and the Reaper went at it for a few minutes. The worm would come up from below and knock the Reaper over... The Reaper would take shots at the maw any time it was above the surface... Two titans in a slugfest, no winner in sight. The maw's typical attacks weren't doing shit; the acid couldn't burn through the Reaper's shell and biting wasn't exactly an option. Same thing for the Reaper... The lasers just weren't doing anything. Finally, though, the bug learned...it shot up out of the ground, all the way. Ha, Tali gasped when it happened, when the whole maw was out of the ground. That thing was fucking _long_. Kilometers... Took its full weight and just slammed the Reaper bastard into the ground.

Crushed the purple fucker.

_Murmur_.

Yeah, it was pretty fantastic. The worm did more than half the fucking fleet... We could've used a few Threshers...

So, Reapers are gone, to the Shroud. The rest of the team headed back to the Kodiak and the leftover leadership to arrange the deal to help Earth. Garrus thought Palaven, ha. Alenko deceived them pretty damn good, he got their full allegiance to me. Grunt and Mordin, they got the pleasure of shooting out the "cure."

So, we go from a fucking maw killing a goddamn Reaper to this new Genophage shit. Keep the dinos in check, you know? And Grunt... that fucker had no idea what was happening until we were already in the building. Then he figured out that Mordin and I weren't going to be saving anyone. Ha, it took him long enough... The "click" was almost hilarious.

The krogan went _nuts_. "Betrayal," blah fucking blah. He didn't know shit about betrayal. The asshole started charging me... I had my gun out, ready to take my Horseman down, but Mordin was faster. Shot the fucker right under the chin, muttering something about "weak spot," "feral," and that kind of crazy shit. Big old exit wound in the krogan's hump, too. Sorry to lose a horseman like that, but the guy was getting in my way. What's a single krogan against an army worth, anyway? Mordin actually smiled...I could tell he wanted to take out the "perfect krogan" for a while. Not sure why, but I don't blame him... Grunt's use ran out after the Collector base. Sure, I liked him, but everything has a shelf-life...

Good job for Mordin, right? So that was the end of Tuchanka. And I mean _end_. The last time I was there, the last time the krogan would ever reproduce. A dead world, like Palaven...

After that, I left...

_Query from the interviewer_.

What about the Genophage? Mordin set it off and I left.

So, like I was saying...

_Another query._

Damn it, Pully, stop talking! Shit, who cares what happened to Mordin? He's not here now, okay?

Mordin went up into the tower on his own. Said that he didn't need my help to set off the Genophage. I left the Shroud. The thing started blowing up a few minutes later. Don't know what happened to the scientist salarian...

Another one bites the dust, right? Lost two fucking squadmates that day.

Are you happy now, Pully? Lost two in one fight. Hell, one took the other out. Pretty damn epic, if you ask me. Mordin, fighting to the end. Maybe he didn't see the whole "blown up" ending...but, hell, he could have planned that shit. The fucker was smart enough to pull that off... I almost hope he's still alive, you know? I mean, he probably died, but it irks me not to know what happened to the crazy fucker...

Happy, Pulitzer? You _almost_ know what happened to Mr. Solus... I had more important things to do than mourn for my friend. My city was calling...

_Now_ can I move on?

* * *

><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading. Updates will be on Tuesdays._

_I'm not 100% happy on this chapter. Encouragement? Let me know what you think. (Go Leeds United, by the way. Kicking off the season well!)_

_Until next time..._


	31. Extermination

_The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon, but will follow the general story (Alliance - Collectors - Reapers)._

_Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thanks to stnemele for the editing. Check out _Delving Into Hell.

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware._

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><p>Krogan? Check. Salarians? Check. Two species working with me to deal with the fucking Reapers. Two to take my planet back with. Ground troops to fight the freak husks were covered... I needed a fucking fleet to get us there, though. Sure, the Alliance had a good deal of survivors, but it was time to grab some more ships for the fight... Next stop? Rannoch and the geth... and the quarians.<p>

Fuck. The. Quarians.

And, that's pretty much the theme of my wonderful vacation on fucking goddamn Rannoch.

_The interviewer requests detail_.

Damnit, Pully, you always want more fucking details. Fuck it, I'll tell you what happened on that goddamn planet. You really want to hear about the extinction of a goddamn species? Thing thing is, they probably should've been dead centuries before... Goddamn gypsies didn't belong anywhere in the galaxy... The fucking quarians should've stayed with their fleet, stayed away from Rannoch and just should've disappeared into some unknown corner of the galaxy. Find a new planet, new goddamn immune system. But, noooo, they had to get their fucking shit planet back from the robots...

I'm sure you heard all about the Second Morning War on the net, in the vids. It was plastered all over Citadel news so that civies wouldn't be aware of the goddamn Reapers. Mr. Pulitzer, you probably covered part of it... from a distance, of course. The fucking quarians were suspiciously quiet, buying weapons here and there. I actually thought they might be trying to fight the Reapers, but that was me just being idealistic.

Fucking sickly bastards were just trying to fight the geth. Why in the fucking world would the quarians arm up? They're useless outside of the suits! Such a narrow-minded view, you know? They were just focused on revenge and destroying the geth...

Which they created and originally attacked, by the way. Legion, the geth from the Collector mission, he let us know about that particular fact. All this time, humanity was told the geth were the aggressors, the bad guys in the whole quarian spat. Turns out that the quarians shot first... Fucking idiots, they all deserved to die.

_An exasperated question_.

Damnit, Pulitzer! Why do you need every little goddamn detail? Shit, do I _really_ have to describe the shit with the geth? Where we found Legion and that shit? Fine, fine. Damn mother fucker, you're just fucking awful...

_The interviewer is defensive_.

Fuck. You aren't right... just accurate. I guess there really wasn't much information about the quarians' disappearance. Ha, another exclusive for Mr. Pulitzer over here: the destruction of the goddamn quarians from Johnny Shep's view. Okay, so the gypsies were fighting the geth. We got that bit of information from Tali, who was with us from the Citadel, remember? She was lobbying for help from the Council, but no luck. You'd figure the girl would know that the Council doesn't help anyone but themselves. They left humanity out to dry _twice_, once with Saren and the other with the goddamn Collectors. Fucking Council...

So Tal, she wants the great Commander Shepard to help her out instead. "Save her people from the geth," or some shit. I _wanted _the robots to help take back my planet. Assist the krogan and the salarians. Legion helped reprogram the bots to be my ally, so why wouldn't they? Judging by the whole Saren shit, the fucking geth were great shock troops. Asshole quarians were keeping them busy, though. Somebody had to go...

_Comment_.

You guessed it...

Off to Rannoch! I had to get out of that dirty fucking system...goddamn krogan ruining all that shit. Ha, flying towards Rannoch, you'd figure that place would be a technological fucking wonderland with the fucking machines floating around. Nope, there were a few bases on the ground, but the robots kept shit in tact. They still believed the "creators" deserved shit, blah blah.

Doesn't make any sense to me. The geth _didn't_ start the Morning War. It was the quarians. The fucking idiots took shots at the robots first and got beaten in the counter-attack. The geth let them flee, let them live. I would've fucking destroyed the gypsies at every goddamn opportunity.

Bet that's a bit of a shock to the system, eh? Fucking gypsies were the bad guys. Twice, too. They fired the first shot in the most recent...incident, too. If I'm talking in circles, Pulitzer, let me know...

_An answer_.

Ha, I figured I was. Let's just say the quarians attacked, the geth defended. They _were_ being controlled by a Reaper signal, though. The _Normandy's_ AI detected the shit and said it was coming from a geth dreadnaught...which happened to be the biggest fucking ship in the fleet. Our weapons couldn't do shit, so we went in on foot. Full team, in we go. Typical geth fight followed...

_Interruption_.

The Reaper signal you fucking idiot... I _just _said that.

_Rebuttal_.

Well that was self-explainingtory. Of course it made the geth aggressive towards us...the same exact shit happened when chasing Saren. Pay the fuck attention. I've been telling this goddamn story for three days... The same shit will happen. I mean, damn, there's only so many ways shit can turn out. You keep bullshitting me with all these questions, keep missing the obvious answers. I'm not being that fucking vague, am I? Goddamn, you mother fucker... If I weren't so close to the end, I'd flip shit, again.

_Shepard pauses and calms himself_.

Fuck... Normal geth fight, shut down some shit on the ship, found Legion powering a core, blah blah...

_The interviewer begins to speak_.

_Don't_ you think about interrupting me, Pully. We found Legion, he explained the war, Tali stuttered in shock. Same old shit. Asshole quarians started firing on the dready when its shields went down, so I ordered Cortez to make a "friendly" buzz run. Disabled three quarian ships in the process. Stopped firing then, eh?

_Shepard smirks_.

Anyway, we go to where the Reaper signal is coming from and then the fun started. A lot of fucking fun, too.

The basic plan was storm the facility where the signal was coming from. Big antenna looking place in the center of a plain on Rannoch. Massive facility, scans said it went deep underground. Luckily the shit we needed was above ground...flying through a bunch of small corridors would've sucked. Let's see... Alenko flew us in on the Kodiak. "Us" was Johnny, Tal, Vega, and Legion. I think Tali just wanted to see the surface of that goddamn planet...Legion was our guide.

_Question_.

Garrus? He stayed on the _SR-2_ to watch out for any quarian...or geth shifty moves. We had a cease fire going until the Reaper deal could get figured out. The quarians weren't too happy, the geth perfectly okay with the plan. The machines were just waiting... I think Legion did something funky when he stopped transmitting...

_The interviewer expresses confusion_.

Ha, yeah, me too. How about I just shut the fuck about transmissions? It doesn't make fucking sense anyway. Well, to me, and that's all that fucking matters.

The team, we were snooping and blowing shit up while we were at it.

_Question_.

Why? Sure it was a geth facility, but I still hold my grudges, Pully. They fucking blew my shit up, they deserve to get a bit of payback from Johnny. The base with the transmit... Yeah, I'll shut the fuck up. The base still had Reaper controlled geth inside, so we blasted our way through. Biotics flaring, shotguns blasting, they normal fight. Ha, it was like old times... Chasing Saren, fucking up geth in the way...

Yeah, it was easier back then, ha ha. Not that I'm complaining! I had some goddamn fun in the past few years. Pully, you had fun, right?

_The interviewer begins to reply_.

Of course you didn't... You goddamn civies went through fucking hell, ha ha ha. Bunch of pussies, learn how to goddamn fight. Anyway, back to Rannoch...

There were quarian civies there, too. Wanted to see "their world" or some shit... Fuck those assholes, right? That fucking place hadn't had a quarian on it in centuries. Fucking Tali was distracted the whole time, amazed by the landscape. Rannoch didn't have shit on Vancouver…my city.

So yeah. Fuck. The. Quarians.

Blast into the base, shut off some signals, then a fucking earthquake. Except it wasn't an earthquake… Remember how I said that base went way deep into the ground? It went so goddamn deep because there was a _Reaper_ hiding there. It was doing its own version of Indoctrinating the geth, uploading viruses and shit. Legion offered up their services for saving the geth, blah blah, time to fucking blow a Reaper up. Yeah, sure, "saving" them. More like using a tool. But that wasn't on my mind at the moment. I told my team to back off, join Alenko in the Kodiak… Didn't know until later why Tali stayed with Legion.

As far as the Reaper, though? I felt like taking that shithead one on one. Well, in a sense.

I had a target locater that Legion provided. Him and Tali did some tech shit and then I had the whole geth fleet firing at this Reaper. It starts walking towards me, shoots one big fat laser. Johnny fucking dodged it, of course. Then bleep, bleep, bleep… Locked mother fucker!

The fleets opened up from the sky, raining hell on the fucking Reaper. It kept staggering forward towards me trying to burn me up, but I dodged every shot. I painted the ship again...more hellfire. Rinse repeat until it was right on top of me. The fucking Reaper seemed like it was in spitting distance. Right fucking in front of me, leaking juices, craters all over from the shells from above. It made one last...step? Whatever you want to call it...the fucking asshole tipped over and landed at my feet. Another shitty Reaper done for. Ha, put my boot on it and spit on the corpse. And that's when...yeah.

_A request_.

Okay. Well, the Reaper signal that was powering the geth was still active and still fucking dangerous. Legion, though, he could assim...assimil...put the programming with the base geth functions. Ask a VI for computer knowledge, not me. Just say that Legion was going to do an upload to the geth servers, but it would sacrifice his body.

That kind of sucked, but super powered geth allies? Yes, please, ha ha. Fucking quarians, though, they didn't like that idea. Goddamn vendetta against them... They just couldn't leave the geth alone. Just let the fucking guys be, go hide somewhere. Tali wanted me to stop the upload, let the geth be destroyed so the quarians could have Rannoch back. I wasn't going to let that happen...Why would I?

_Comment_.

No, Pully, she was with Garrus, _not_ with me. She was following the turian and just happened to be there. I had no loyalty to the girl and her to me even if she tricked herself into thinking that. That's why she screamed for Garrus to help when Legion started the upload and the quarian ships started to fall apart. She betrayed my plan in the end...Tali looked up at the sky when the radios started going off about the geth attack.

By the way, the quarians shot first. Again.

Now that I think about it, she really did the only thing she could do to save her species. The fucking idiot went after Legion to stop the upload and prayed for some goddamn backup from the team in the Kodiak... That wasn't fucking happening. Garrus was a million miles away, but she tackled the geth anyway.

Tali yelled for Garrus again as I grabbed her off of Legion and threw her away. Snarled... scared her. The realization hit her that this _would_ be a fight, that she would get the full fury of Johnny Shepard if she wanted to save the quarians. I know for a fact I fucking grinned as she made the first move.

She shot out her drone to zap at me... burned me good, but I've been on fire before. Biotic charge right to her gut and tackled the girl. The goddamn drone came at me again, but I dodged it. Fucking orange piece of shit... Snapped the girl's arm out of its socket when I threw her across the fucking field. Legion asked me to protect him during the upload. Sure, "protect." I'm no babysitter, but I had to so I would complete the mission. So I covered him... At all costs.

Tali took out her knife with her free hand and charged the robot. A battle cry I never heard before...where the fuck was this fury during the rest of the war, the Saren chase, attacking the Collectors? The only word to describe it is "ferocious." She kept charging despite the warning shots at her feet. I dropped my gun, threw my shoulder into her with all my weight, and I tackled her on the way... Smashed in her visor. First time I ever saw a quarian's face.

_Excited question_.

Actually, she looked quite human. The skin was purple, but she had two eyes, a nose, cute mouth... If she wasn't a fucking gypsy, I'd say she was almost beautiful. I mean, the gasping and the glass in her face wasn't exactly attractive and the quarian curses she was throwing at me were pissing me off. Blood gushing out of her forehead...a warrior in the end, right?

I snarled, she shut the fuck up. More explosions from the sky, more quarians dying as the geth got stronger. Cries for help from wasted ships... Back to Tali, though. A white liquid started dripping out of her eyes...I think they were tears. "Shepard, please... Save them..."

Nope, fuck them. The quarians didn't deserve to live... they fucking _made_ the geth in the first place, re-started a war _during_ another war, and I still can't get over the whole bubble boy shit. The quarians were worse than the krogan... No way, Pully, there was no way I was "saving" her goddamn race. Tali should've seen it coming. The girl counted on me hating the geth too much, that I would destroy the bots and not the goddamn gypsies. I fucking hold grudges, but I can tell when a machine is my fucking ally... They would help take back my city...

Legion announced "upload complete" and sparked out of existence... The geth fleet opened up its full arsenal as my knee pressed on Tali's throat. It was like a fucking light show that you see in old vids... I could hear the quarian calls for backup, pleas for help as the robots tore them to shreds. Tali, she had her eyes wide open in horror. I guess she got to see genocide first hand. I looked her in the eyes and shook my head...the girl knew it was over.

Tali screamed Garrus' name one last time before I slashed open her throat with her own knife. I'm pretty sure that's the only time it was ever used... Irony? The gurgle was priceless, the horror in her eyes goddamn intense, and no, Pulitzer, I felt no guilt at all. The quarians had their chance to let the geth go... the chance to let the dominant species live and fade into the background. Tali, she could have saved them, too...

She could have had her life with Garrus and a future in the galaxy... The girl threw it away because she was that loyal to her species, the _wrong _species. The quarians were weak, so that made her weak in the end. And she fucking sacrificed herself for a bunch of gypsies, a bunch of cowards in suits trying to take back a lost goddamn homeworld that they weren't ever getting back...

Who the fuck gives their life for a cause like that?

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><p><em>AN: I figured I'd post one today. Why the heck not? A few things to address, though:_

_I've always been a fan of Tali so it's been interesting trashing on her this whole time. The quarians _did _royally piss me off in the 3rd game, so it wasn't hard to write that particular part. Any spelling errors are intentional, too._

_I swapped the chapter titles for the previous two. Krogan elimination is now "Extinction" and the quarian slaughter "Extermination." I feel that it fits better._

_Thanks to those who give reviews with substance, they do help. The plot is getting a bit more foggy, too. The order of events will be changed to fit Johnny's logic (meaning my logic.) Until Tuesday._


	32. The Beating Heart of Galactic Love

_A/N: So this is the wonderful story of Johnny Shepard. See the first chapter for the premise. It will follow the general story of Mass Effect, but will now definitely veer from the normal plot. The order of the missions have been changed to fit our "hero's" choices._

_Thanks to stnemele for editing and Loteva for the constant stream of criticism and support._

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware._

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><p>So, yeah, I may or may not have given the quarians the death sentence by helping the geth. Who cares? I certainly don't. First thing I heard when boarding the <em>Normandy<em> was "Where's Tali?" I just wanted to watch the fireworks, but Garrus was pretty damn upset that the quarian didn't come back with us. I blamed it on the Reapers, he got more pissed at them. Starting throwing shit, broke a few workstations and stormed off to the forward batteries. Did he cry? I don't fucking know. All he said was that he now had "more motivation to kill the assholes on Palaven." His little gypsy was someone to avenge... Yeah, okay buddy, we're going to the Bird-lizard homeworld and we'll avenge your girlfriend... Fucking naive old Archangel... Badass, ruthless, but still blind to some shit.

_Question_.

Well he never really got the whole "Johnny hates aliens." Didn't suspect I killed Tali, ha. Just shit like that. What's it matter, though, Pully? It's not part of the story... well _she's_ not for sure.

_Murmur from the interviewer_.

Regret? The only thing I might "regret" about Tali dying is that we lost her drone. That little orange blur did some damage, distracted husks and shit. The gray smell was around... burnt flesh, remember? Imagery, right, that's your kind of shit.

Anyway, Rannoch... It belonged to the Reaper virus powered ally buddy geth guys. Technical shit, ask the AI. Ha, I would ask the quarians, but yeah... Ha ha ha, irony. Too soon to laugh at the genocide? Fuck the gypsies, they'd been dead for centuries. Rannoch was the geth's, the geth were mine, all was good.

The look on Hackett's face when the geth showed up must have been fucking hilarious. The utter panic at seeing the whole fucking fleet bearing down on him... The admiral probably fucking shit himself. Traynor handled the "they're good, don't worry" type stuff while we went to get I Don't Fucking Know What on Thessia.

The Doctor, she was babbling about a VI that would help us build the giant Crucible gun... once again, Johnny likes big guns. So we headed to fucking goddamn Thessia. Fucking whole mission and shit pissed me off. It was _supposed_ to be a normal fucking stop. Boring, sure, but fucking simple. Stop in, steal the shit, go out, fuck up the Reapers on Earth. But noooo, of course it's harder than that.

As soon as we got into the system, the shit hit the fan. The Reapers showed up in the goddamn system fucking minutes before we did, but it was plenty of time for them to tear the asari to shreds, not that I minded. The fucking pacifists had it coming, if you ask me. Sitting around on their blue asses with their blue fucking squid hair just fucking waiting for shit to pass. Always showing up neutral, looking like the good guys... girls... its, no matter what. Shit, if the Reapers wouldn't have gone after their goddamn worlds, the aliens... Well, they just wouldn't have done shit.

I learned fast that asari like Samara were hard to find. T'soni, too. The Doctor, she did her part on Thessia... Nothing like seeing your world burn to really get the blood pumping, your biotics going. She started glowing, got a look in her eyes as soon as she saw the first ship. Said "Shepard, let's do our business and get going."

_Surprised comment_.

Ah, sorry Pully, you misunderstood. She was the one in charge of this particular op...well at least the brains part of it. It was still my squad, we were charging in like normal. You know the typical Johnny style: shotguns and utter indifference towards tactics, ha ha. I mean, Thessia was the T'soni's homeworld, she knew about the VI information, so she was our... Let's go with "guide."

Ground team: Garrus, who was a bit fussy over Tali's death...yeah. He was unhappy. Alenko came along, who by the way, was not happy about Tali's disappearance, too. I had Vega flying support in the Kodiak. A couple times a fucking Reaper _dragon_ showed up and he took 'em down quick. Smart move, if you ask me, having consistent goddamn air support. The _Normandy_ couldn't be everywhere.

So we landed as close as we could to the fucking VI Storage Temple, which was goddamn fucking not close enough. Cortez did good... Ha, Joker would've left us another five klicks out. Made us walk there... still, Cortez wasn't close enough. So much shit ass Reaper troops between me and getting off that goddamn planet. I wasn't there to save it, like I said. Just get in an out...like sexin' with Jackie... Sure as hell missed her during those fights...

Cut that, Pully. We already had my little outburst right?

_A sigh and confirmation_.

Okay. Not saving Thessia. The asari troops there, they were all excited to see goddamn motherfucking awesome ass Johnny Shepard. Of course, I ignored the shit out of them, typical me, right? Ha ha, fucking asari. Putting up a good fight, sure, but they were all biotics. Everyone knows you need a good shotgun to fuck up your enemy. I showed the bitches how to fight.

They were all pinned down, getting shot, the normal stuff you see scrub troops doing. My method? Blind charge into a clusterfuck of turian and batarian husks. Fucking machine-greebers didn't stand a chance...

_The interviewer expresses confusion_.

Greebers? I don't fucking know, I made it up. Why not call the fucking mixed up guys Greebers? It's a fucking stupid name for a fucking stupid bunch of troops. Goddamnit, they were so fucking annoying...

So the asari are being bitches, fucking hiding behind their biotics. I showed them how to really use biotics that day. Jumped over the barrier, started my count after a long range shot, and off I went... Greebers weren't as fun to kill as regular organics, I'll give you that. They didn't _feel,_ so when I ripped off a limb, they didn't slow down. Take off a head, they're done. So that was the SOP for the Reaper fucks.

Boom, headshot. Took a turian-Reaper head clean off. Two, three, four, a couple of human husks. Warp some of my ammo so the rounds would scramble the insides of a few of the krogan Greebers. If they were smart bad guys they would have been screaming as their insides liquified... If only, right Pully?

Then my biotics took control, just smashing shit everywhere. I was Raging bad... throwing husks hundreds of feet, biotic powered punches and kicks, quick charges into the fuckers. No biotic explosion, though. I didn't want to be out of the fight _that _early, ha ha. Plenty more to kill on that fucking planet.

So that's what we did. Mowed down the ground troops...may have taken down a few asari in the process, but the blue fuckers were dead anyway. Hell, most of the planet got glassed so what could I fucking do about it?

_Suggestion_.

Send the fleet? No. Just no.

We were there for one thing and one thing only. That VI was fucking important, alright? Crucible, blah blah, you know the fucking story, okay? Big gun, Protheans, instruction manual.

T'soni, the whole time, she was having some...issues with seeing her planet burn. Getting a bit more desperate, more reckless, like she wanted to save everyone at once. I let her go nuts on the Reapers, sure, but eh, we had to watch out. The Doctor was our expert... we needed her, unfortunately. I called her back, told her to calm down and I let Alenko and Garrus wreck shit. The two of them covered us while we walked around the Temple of Dreams. Whatever the fuck it was. Ashes, now. Temple of Got Fucked. Asari leadership hiding shit there, anyway. More goddamn Prothean tech being fucking under utilized by an inept government. Like always. That's when she started to crack...

_The interviewer asks a question_.

Well, first off she was watching her planet burn. Then her beloved goddamn government was fucking hiding shit. Which, by the way, isn't the fucking Shadow Broker supposed to know about stuff like that? T'soni should've know her government was fucking with shit... goddamn asari. Fucking cowards, sneaks, liars, just fucking awful. Burn in hell... Join the goddamn turians, dinosaurs, raisin faces, gypsies...assholes. Fuck, all of those species were "galactic" before humanity and we're the only race that fucking did anything. The others were just... fuck. Aliens are awful, you know that Pully? They fucking ruin everything, kill people around you, fuck over humanity... Humans should be _thanking_ me for putting us first. Put me on galactic goddamn trial shit just because you want some kind of unity... Let us rule, let us... Goddamnit...

_Shepard sighs_.

Right, T'soni cracking. Losing it. Her "gods" looked suspiciously like Protheans. Crisis of faith, didn't know that they were, what do you call it, lifted up?

_Comment_.

What the fuck ever, Pully... the asari were "uplifted." Asshole...

_The interviewer begins to speak_.

...And don't you say a word! You know what I goddamn meant, going around correcting me. Dickbag. Why you're still around baffles me. Nice to have someone to talk to? Ha, surprisingly enough it _does_ get montenious around here. Change of pace? Fuck, off track. Thessia...

Protheans were T'soni's gods, she's losing it slowly. We find the VI, it talks to us, downloads, blah blah, blah...

_Question_.

Next? We found that fucking VI, so the mission was over, right? Nope, of course not.

Goddamn Cerberus shows up in the middle of the goddamn battle, Indoctrinated up and everything. We immediately started taking fire while T'soni fiddled with the Prothean tech... Grabbing information on the Crucible, the gun we were building, seeing how it worked, all kinds of stuff. She wasn't fast enough though because she got shot in the shoulder before the download was complete.

The asari was tough for a while, I guess. She took cover with the rest of us and started taking the Super Husks down. Splat, bam, boom... easy shit for a bit. Ha, I just rhymed!

_A sigh_.

Fuck you, Pully. Relax... On Thessia, it was a pretty typical fight until that Kai Leng asshole showed up. You know, the Cerberus assassin, their second in command, behind the Illusive Fucker. He jumps out of a goddamn ship and charges us, with biotics... The fucker copied me! That was my goddamn move! Right on top of us, I was waiting for a shot to rip Alenko in half before he could put a barrier up...

The shot never came, though. Guess what weapon this Leng fucker used?

_The interviewer answers_.

Ah, you cheat Pully, you cheat. Ha, you do research! But yeah, he used a fucking _sword_... Who the hell uses a sword? Alenko almost lost a goddamn arm... Wouldn've if I didn't shove the Cerb bastard across the room...

_Murmur_.

Save him? No, I didn't save Alenko... no. Didn't.

_Hesitation_.

Leng fight. Comes at me with the sword, I went at him with my omni-blade, just to make things even. Zap, pow boom, we're goddamn off. Like fighting against Saren or against Widow way back when I was just a kid. The fucker was fast... every attack was followed by a block. When something wasn't blocked, there was a counter. Biotic shoves at the same time, blue walls around both of us. He had this hand laser shit, kept zapping my shields away. Stalemate, I guess. I was Raging, though, blood pumping... Almost gave props to the guy until he got his buddies to go at me too. No one fights one-on-one anymore. Fucking stupid...

Leng got away because I had to take goddamn cover. Hey, I can only take so many hits, alright? A few too many burns, slashes. Tasting my own blood, the normal shit.

While I was down the fucking Cerberus dicks stole the VI... Goddamn fucking assholes ran as soon as they grabbed it, too. That fucking, goddamn... Just... Fuck, I don't. So fucking pissed off. Makes me want to rip a hole through the goddamn wall...

_The interviewer calms Shepard nervously_.

Heh, I got all worked up, didn't I? Oops, I'm even glowing a bit. I still have the ability even without the amp... Fucking assholes took it from me.

_Comment_.

Ha ha ha, I would have broken out months ago. Warlord in the Terminus, or at least what's left of it. Yeah... That'd be nice. Everything I fucking wanted... Hell maybe I'd even find a replacement for Ja...

_A pause_.

Thessia, Pully. Keep me on track. That's your goddamn job. VI is gone, Cerberus is a bunch of assholes, and T'soni...

Her wound wasn't looking too good and the whole crisis of faith was wiping away the badass shell she made. Calls about her Shadow Broker network breaking down kept coming in... All of her agents were just dropping off. I noticed it for a while, since Mars actually, but it really peaked on Thessia. Worst timing... Shit was just happening to her. The defeats... I guess "spent" is the best word for it.

The Doctor, the Director, the Shadow Broker... whatever you want to call her, she finally lost it. T'soni could only put off that badass front for so long, but the trauma of that blue fucking planet finally made her give up. The girl, the fucking naive asari I found three years before showed up. She wasn't the Broker anymore, wasn't a badass biotic...she just collapsed to her knees and cried...

I mean, I was damn pissed off that that Cerberus bastard stole the VI from us. Don't get me wrong, we were all pissed off. Alenko was goddamn furious and Garrus was ready to rip a fucking Reaper's head off. But Liara just couldn't handle it... she couldn't handle the defeat. Garrus watched his world burn and I watched my world burn, but both of us stayed strong, let it fuel some fucking fire. But T'soni was weak, the Broker...broken, heh. It was too much for her to handle.

The fact that our best lead for "saving" everyone was just stolen by some goddamn assholes looking to control the Reapers didn't help and the crisis of faith was almost laughable. The asari gods, they all turned out to be Protheans...

T'soni just couldn't handle it... bleeding and sobbing in the middle of that goddamn temple as the Reapers tore her world apart. Shit was getting real, so it was time for evac. Vega came by with the Kodiak and parked out front...

_Comment_.

Yeah, I realize I fucking lost that day. It was a flashback to goddamn Saren, how that fucker kept running when I had him in my hands. If I would've known where the fucking Cerberus base was, I would've been there in a goddamn heartbeat! You should know that by now, Pully...

But the evac at Temple Whatever It Was, it was a pissed off walk back to the shuttle. I hopped in and heard Alenko and Garrus calling for the Doctor to get up and come with us. She just didn't move. Didn't say a word. Garrus walked away, Alenko soon after. She was silent. It was goddamn creepy. She just gave up... Maybe it was the wound? Nah, I've survived worse stuff. All mental, I bet. Some people can only take so much.

I would've used it as fuel...she just didn't use the loss at all. My team gave up on her as soon as I got on the shuttle...they knew she wasn't moving her blue ass anywhere. Explosions in the background, the Reaper horns and an asari reduced to nothing.

_Shepard sighs_.

Fucking big ass Reaper showed up. Shot the goddamn laser at us, but missed... Well, the fucker nailed the temple behind us and fucked it up bad. Fucking wrecked it right away, but Vega gunned it as we sped away from the planet towards the _Normandy_ in orbit.

The last time I saw T'soni was on her knees in the center of that temple as it collapsed around her. Defeated, demoralized, and with nothing left to live for... Powerless to do anything anymore. The temple crushed her...ha, figuratively, too.

We all lost a friend...well...

_A pause_.

Yeah, we all lost a friend. Liara T'soni was my friend... Huh, it took this long to realize that...

But the Reapers were taking their toll... My team was dropping like flies.

* * *

><p><em>AN: And another one bites the dust. Thanks for reading, everyone. Update will be next Tuesday, again. Almost finished. _

_Let me know what you think about Liara's demise, how Johnny feels at the end. Is he actually a person in that crazy person shell? Should I draft a QB in the first round of my fantasy football draft? How many burgers should I eat this weekend? Would you have helped the asari more, even though they sat on the sidelines?_

_I was checking my word count and I'm pretty damn close to 100K. I've written a small book...ridiculous, right?_

_(I also know that it's spelled "monotonous.")_


	33. Menace

_A/N: So this is the wonderful story of Johnny Shepard. See the first chapter for the premise. It will follow the general story of Mass Effect, but will now definitely veer from the normal plot. The order of the missions have been changed to fit our "hero's" choices._

_Thanks to stnemele for editing!_

_Mass Effect is owned by Bioware._

* * *

><p>By now, Pully, I'm really just telling you shit that people already know. The galaxy was fucked up... Every planet, every system, just everything was being fucked up by the Reapers. And I told all of you to be ready...<p>

Cerberus was running around stealing shit, the Crucible was half finished, and an emergency call from the goddamn Council comes in.

Except this call wasn't from the turians on their knees begging, the asari apologizing, or the salarians...salarianing; it was fucking Udina with a plan. A fucking good plan...outside of the whole "involve Cerberus" thing. Yeah, he fucked up right there.

The old bastard, the fucking genius, wanted the Citadel fleet for Earth. I did too...suppose I chose right when recommending the dickhead to join the Council. The way to get the fleet? Take over the Council. How do we do that? A good old fashioned coup. So a takeover was in order...I like that word, "coup."

_Question_.

Because it's spelled weird, that's why. Asshole.

But, before Johnny could get there, Udina invited Cerberus onto the Citadel to help with his little takeover...unfortunately he wasn't fully aware of them being fucking terrible and a bunch of Husks with that Leng fucking douchebag...

Cortez flew the _Normandy _into the station blind...C-Sec was getting fucked in the ass. Cerberus was Indoctrinated bad, destroying everything they could. Taking out the leftover government, no matter how dysfunctional, would've crippled the biggest fleet in the galaxy. I wasn't about to lose those ships or troops to the asari...remember, this was all for _my _city. Cerberus was going after the center of the goddamn leadership. Hell, the Citadel was building the fucking Crucible, too... I'm not losing a goddamn super gun!

_A request for Shepard to get back on track_.

Damnit, I wasn't even that far off! Fuck you, Pully… Fine. Okay, we go into the C-Sec docking bay blind, pulling a Torfan and just charging in. Ha, there wasn't that many of us left to lead the charge; I had Garrus, Vega, and good old Alenko along for the ride. Really, that was it. No Tali, no T'soni… It was kind of weird not having them around. But we were all experienced, all used to losses, all willing to do anything, and all fucking ruthless.

So the husks got no mercy.

We blasted our fucking way in, guns blazing. Garrus opened up with his rifle, picking off assholes all over. "For Palaven!" and "Got one!" A steady stream of efficiency. Vega grabbed a grenade launcher and was just peppering their cover while Alenko and I threw the stragglers around. Grab them with my biotics, smash their skulls on the ground. Crush their ribs and toss them out the airlock.

The docking bay was empty damn quick. A couple groans from C-Sec officers that may have gotten hit in our roll in, but they gave their lives for… Ha...probably nothing. Yeah, the fuckers were just collateral. Who fucking cares? Bailey was one of the guys that got downed, but he was moving. Told us what Cerberus was doing, blah blah, after the Council. Pissing me off…nothing is ever simple.

At least the Citadel was _fun_ this time around. Fucking like Chora's Den except the whole goddamn mission! Walking through C-Sec HQ, blasting Cerberus assholes. Shooting up the Presidium. I was making as much of a mess as possible, too. Grabbed a knife off of one of the troopers, slit a couple throats. Made as much blood go all over as possible. Maybe the fucking Citadel citizens would actually realize there was a goddamn war going on. Scare them a bit, rally some humans to go save my city. Civies running everywhere, who cares? Garrus got a bit fidgety when I hit a few turians…Then goddamn Kai Fucking Leng shows up. What a fucking asshole.

He says he's there to assassinate the Council or some shit… Once again, same fucking goal, but different goddamn methods. Always in my goddamn way.

_Question and surprise_.

No no, you misunderstand, Pully. I wanted the Council out of the way so I could use the fleet. I didn't want them dead. Well, I _wanted _them dead, but… Okay.

So then it's another fucking chase. This asshole is jumping around, avoiding every shot I took. No idea how many clips I went through before I finally gave up on the fucking shotgun. Shot out a few biotic fields that the fucker dodged or countered with his own. Alenko was on the radio talking to Udina, trying to figure out where he was and what the fuck was going on. Leng disappeared into some fucking air ducts so I lost him. I'm not crawling around through that shit…come fight me like a goddamn man, you know?

_A sigh_.

That guy really was fucking awful...goddamn coward.

_The interviewer asks a question_.

Udina? He was with the other members of the Council bluffing his way through the whole shit. He needed my goddamn help to sway the other counselors to our side…or some nonsense. Politics is bullshit, guns are better. There's only one man in charge when he has a fucking pistol aimed at everyone else. Udina should've done that, but he tried sneaky diplomacy. Didn't fucking work, obviously.

Eventually we walked up on the salarian councilor hiding in some C-Sec offices. Blabbing about a coup attempt, Udina is going mad, he allied with Cerberus, blah fucking blah. The little guy wasn't aware that I knew this shit already, or that I was in on it, ha. Fucking Garrus steps forward and says we'll protect him. Democracy or some shit… Clearly, saving the Council was not on my menu.

Salarian takes us to Udina, talking, talking, filling us in. Cerberus attacked without warning, Udina is Indoctrinated, which he wasn't…fucking on and on. Next thing I know, though, fucking Leng pops out of a cloak and grabs the lizard. Tried to use the fucker as a human shield. Well, I guess it was a salarian shield. Pully, what's the right phrase, there?

_Answer_.

To be politically correct I can't use "human" to generalize aliens, now? I suppose they aren't worth really being called humans or people or… Shit, I'm talking in circles again, aren't I?

_Request for Shepard to continue_.

Yeah…anyway.

Fucking Kai Leng, Ceberus coward, has the salarian captive. Shielding him, hostage, fucking coward shit. Starts a monologue about how I'm wrong, join Cerberus' fight, bragging about the VI. Gloating was the last fucking straw… Shot the fucker smack in the chest.

_The interviewer expresses confusion_.

Come on, Pully…take off your blinders. Do I have to spell everything out? Of course the bullet went through the fucking salarian. Green and red blood smearing together. Leng's face was hilarious, utter amazement that I would sacrifice one of the galactic "leaders." Goddamn, fucking people really don't pay attention! The pain and surprise…oh man, that had me laughing for days afterwards. I was mostly pissed off at the time, so the next few shots were as accurate as normal Johnny. Leng zipped away, leaving some blood, going into the vents, then bye bye. Fucking gone out of sight.

Garrus runs up to the dead salarian, says something about leadership crap. What the fuck ever, the bastard never did anything for me. He was a hostage…sometimes hostages need to die for the greater fucking good. By the way, the "greater good" is what's good for me. I don't care about your fucking other shit.

We finally come upon Udina, he's on some terminal issuing commands to the leftovers of C-Sec. The turian and asari counselors are bitching, freaking out about Cerberus. Garrus says it's a coup attempt by Udina and that he was there to stop it. What the fuck was he talking about, you know?

_A possible explanation_.

Goddamn Garrus… He went at Udina, tried to stop him from…something? The turian councilor looks at me, says I'm a "bastard" and that my mother shouldn't have ever lived.

No one talks about my family like that. I fucking shot him square between the eyes for the insult. The last straw, you know? He'd been cock blocking me from doing shit in the galaxy for years. Hell, the fucking turian was one of the reasons the Reaper invasion actually happened. Deserved to die and you should all see that. Same with the asari leadership... Their rep powered up her biotics and tried to go at me. Got her in the head, too. Garrus fucking turned and watched, probably thought about the fleet and Palaven. How the leadership was falling apart, no help coming any time soon…

And then it finally clicked for the turian; I wasn't _ever _going to help his goddamn species. Four humans were in front of him with the aliens from the asshole Council laying at their fucking feet. Udina and Alenko dicking around with some terminal, Vega coordinating with the leftovers of C-Sec, me toeing the turian's brains. He really couldn't believe it... Garrus followed me for four fucking years, did some horrible fucking things, fucking changed _everything _about himself, and it was all for nothing in the end. He cared about his species and finally fucking realized that I would _never_ help the turians. His objections were starting to get obnoxious; his loyalty to the douchebag species was in the way of my goal... It was time for him to go, right? I'll never forget the look on my best friend's face when he realized just what I was, who I was, and what I would goddamn do. Garrus dropped his gun in disbelief. Just said "Shepard..." after a few seconds.

He started spouting off some speech about how I couldn't do this, I shouldn't do this. How the Council was wrong about their plan, but we still needed to unite the species in the galaxy. Fuck that. I had the krogan clans and the entire geth fleet to go with the Alliance's warships. And, thanks to Udina, the Citadel fleet as well. And STG troops... Plenty to take back Earth, take back my goddamn planet, my city... Certainly plenty to destroy Cerberus and grab that shit VI back. Garrus was _just_ realizing the truth: I had no intention of saving anything except for my city.

I was going to sacrifice his entire species so that mine would live... That the turians weren't even worth a single bullet, a single ship. That they weren't any higher than the vorcha in my eyes...

Ha, and then he realized what happened to the quarians, what happened to Tali. It wasn't rogue geth, it wasn't the Reapers. The gypsies died because of me. Genocide because I simply disliked the fuckers. The shock was incredible. He loved her, didn't he? I'm the fucking Butcher, Pully... What did he expect? I slaughtered hundreds on Torfan, made the Rachni extinct, fucking killed off the krogan. Why would I stop at a species that should've died a hundred years ago? Made him know that it was me, too. You know I'm fucking proud of killing off the quarians, right?

Garrus started to question me, he was goddamn furious... Damnit, he was getting frustrating. Threw accusations at me about what I did. Started to say how I was supposed to _save_ everyone... and I laughed in his face. It took him all these years to realize that I'm not a fucking savior. I fight for me, for Johnny Fucking Shepard. I killed Tali because she was in the way. Killed Tali because she turned on me.

And Garrus, he was about to turn on me, too. He was going to be dangerous... too dangerous. His disbelief, his shock was turning into fucking anger. Told him that, too... I said "Garrus, you're too... much. Unstable. A menace." Looked him dead in the eyes. "Bad for me. Bad for _you_." Stared me in the face trying to intimidate me. He knew it was over... Rage over Tali, over his stupid fucking species, rage because I duped him for fucking years. The apprentice turning on the master...

_The interviewer murmurs_.

Alenko and Vega just watched, Udina indifferent. They knew who I was, what I would do and _not_ to get in my way. They were seeing the goddamn result first hand. I'm the fucking Butcher.

_Shepard raises his voice_.

I'm the goddamn _Butcher of Torfan_ and damn proud of it. Garrus didn't fully understand that until the goddamn end. He turned his back, started to walk away. He was going to pull a gun on me, Pully, I know it. I saw his hand flinch. He should've fucking known...

So I drew my pistol and shot him in the back of the head. Dead instantly, blue blood all over the goddamn wall... Just another number on my ever growing list. The Archangel took his last fall...

The only turian I could stand in the entire fucking galaxy was dead. Like a friend...well the closest thing to one... Okay, he was a friend, alright? That's what you get when you turn on me, I told you so, Pully.

_Shepard hesitates_.

Garrus was dead... Died for the goddamn turians. Should've never brought him along in the first place. Fucking assholes aren't worth anything.

Ha, you know what's funny, Pully? The turian didn't even have his pistol...

* * *

><p><em>AN: And now commence the upset comments. I very much enjoyed writing this (although I am a fan of Garrus...Shepard and Vakarian storming heaven would have been an absolutely _brilliant _scene and Bioware missed out). I hope you guys noticed the Widow parallel...I realized that that was thirty chapters ago. I never thought this stinkin' story would go for over even twenty chapters._

_Thing about Udina: if you read the Codex entry on the Citadel coup, Udina was not Indoctrinated. His motivation for the whole fiasco was to take control of the fleet and lead his own rescue of Earth. Using Cerberus was a foolhardy choice, as he wasn't aware of their Indoctrination. The Codex gives a bit more reasoning for an otherwise strange decision making process for the Councilor._

_Until next week, readers. I'm now officially caught up to what I've written so far...hopefully I'll finish 34 and 35 soon._


	34. Killing the Beast

_A/N: Almost done, eh? The following is Johnny Shepard's story. Please see the previous chapters for the premise. Thanks to stnemele for the help and fantastic support._

_Bioware owns _Mass Effect_, as always._

* * *

><p>Yeah. That was...<p>

_Shepard appears upset._

Sucked it ended that way, huh? That fucking guy...after Taylor, I would've figured the turian didn't give a shit about other people. He should've been like me: fight for yourself. The biggest problem with half the fucking beings in this goddamn galaxy...always fighting for their goddamn species. You fight for _yourself_ and nobody else. You get betrayed by every fucking body around you. Loyalty to a species, ha. Fucking ridiculous. I saved my whole goddamn _planet_ and the assholes still took me down, gave me to this goddamn United Species Alliance shit. Fuck humanity. Fuck the goddamn leftover turians, fuck asari, fuck _everyone_...

_The interviewer urges Shepard to calm down_.

Oh, fuck you Pully. Don't tell me what to fucking do. Goddamnit. Jackie was the only goddamn...just...fuck! Shit, you're fucking pissing me off, again...

The goddamn mother fucking asshole Citadel. Yeah, I'll keep going with my story, don't you fucking worry Mr. Interviewer. You'll still get your shitty ass medal. Award. Whatever the goddamn Pulitzer actually is...

You're goddamn lucky that this day was short so far... If I was a bit more pissed you'd be up against the wall bleeding from ten fucking holes in your body. I wouldn't even need to use a goddamn gun... You'd be screaming for days while the doctors tried to fix you up. Emphasis on tried.

_The infamous snarl_.

The Citadel. Cerberus is gone, C-Sec and Alliance reinforcements fought the leftovers off. Udina is the last member of the Council left. Picking up the pieces, starting to do a one man control thing, with my permission, of course. Johnny Shepard, former Red, owned the biggest fleet in galactic history...

I had the Alliance and salarians along for the ride. Geth as backup. Udina was my bitch, so what he had, I had. I really wanted to hate the bastard for how he treated shit back during the Saren shit, the Collector fucking mission. I mean, smash his skull against the wall, hatred. Goddamn Udina...Schemer, for sure, but he got shit done. Gave himself emergency powers to call back the Citadel fleet to save the station and the Crucible. The old fucker even appointed some of the client races Council seats in exchange for human support. Hanar, Volus, even the goddamn Elcor. Money, resources, weapons, ships...I took it all. Fuck up those Reapers, take back my city. Sure, the fleet will save your pathetic worlds. After Earth...really those weaklings never fucked me over, so why not? My mission was over by then. But I made sure that Udina didn't sent shit to Palaven or Thessia, ever. Especially Palaven... Left the turians out to dry.

I'll take full credit for that one. Payback is a bitch, eh? Try to pull First Contact off and you want goddamn help from _me_? No. My fleet, my fucking way, so fuck the mother fucking goddamn asshole turians. If we're lucky, they'll end up like the krogan. Palaven isn't any better than goddamn Tuchanka, anyway. If we're "I won the galactic lottery" lucky, they'll fucking go the way of the goddamn quarians. Extinct within a few years…

_Movement across the room_.

I see your goddamn face, guard. I hope you lost your entire fucking family because of the Reapers... Welcome to the club. I dare you to come over here. Johnny Shepard isn't someone to fuck with. I'll pull your skull right out of your head and beat you to death with it. You might say "that doesn't seem physically possible." Fuck you, it's science.

_Shepard turns his attention back to the interviewer_.

That fucking guy over there... Goddamn, turians, right? Oops, got off track. It's just supposed to be you and I, eh?

_The interviewer comments_.

Yeah, yeah. Calming down. Back to the story... Council, blah, fleet, badass, then everything was going just swell. Almost time for Earth, right? Not so fast, Pully. I had some assholes to deal with, a particular Illusive Dickhead to deal with...

Fuck Cerberus. Fuck them hard. They were in such a panic to retreat from the Citadel they pulled some bullshit navigation shit and left a nice little trail for us to follow. Good old Traynor did some tracing, tracking, computer bullshit and figured out where the bastards' base was. Some place in the Terminus, on a big ass space station hidden by an unstable star. Brilliant place…for cowards.

Hackett loaned me a couple ships to make a run against Cerberus. Something about taking back the VI for the final piece of the Crucible and so Cerberus wouldn't fuck with our attack on Earth. Oh, I mean _saving_ Earth. Yeah, sure…

_Comment_.

Of course he didn't know it was a personal vendetta. I play my hand closer to my chest than that. Alenko, Vega, the crew of the _SR-2_, they knew it was my fight and not the Alliance's, but they weren't gonna tell anyone. They were too fucking loyal…or scared…to cross me. Johnny versus Cerberus that day. Essentially a blind charge in, with a whole bunch of Alliance ships behind me. Half of the Third Fleet, you know. Plenty to take those super husk terrorists out. Blam, boom, we're fucking in.

Vega stormed us into the Cerb hangar with the Kodiak full throttle…my kind of move, right? Crashed into a shit ton of fighters and troopers before stopping. Splat, oil and blood all over the walls. Took a few of the goddamn Atlas mechs, too, so I didn't have to bother with that shit. Goddamn, those were just the worst. Clunking along, and I couldn't do shit with my biotics. Threw a couple grenades and shit, I suppose. That hangar was a fucking mess, so I'm not sure what exactly happened. Rage, same shit as every other fight. Somehow blew a goddamn hole in the wall the size of a fighter so we didn't have to blast a bunch of doors. Probably could've used an AI or something to help us with navigation, but we found our way without much help. The AI on the _Normandy_ helped a bit because the thing was Cerberus made, of course, but… yeah, I definitely could have done it alone.

Running through the base, came across some funky looking super husks, decked out in armor and shooting some nasty accurate shots from goddamn hand guns. Looked like they were changed around to be biotics, too, because they almost threw Vega into the goddamn energy core. The zippy fucks, they kind of reminded me of Jackie…

_The interviewer interjects_.

…Yeah. The energy core…thanks, Pully. The energy core. Yeah, Vega almost fell into it. Guess what it was based on, Pulitzer. Go ahead, guess!

_A reply_.

Holy shit, how the fuck did you know that?! You're a goddamn Cerberus spy, eh? Ha ha, just fucking with you buddy. Damnit, surprising me lately, Pully. Never would've thought you would be up on that info…

Yup, you're right, the fucking base's core was centered around the leftovers of the goddamn human Reaper from the Collector base. Those fucking Cerberus bastards weren't only Indoctrinated, they stole the goddamn remains of that gray goop using monster. Very few ways to stop me in my tracks, Pully, but this was one of them. Fucking _crazy_ out of character, in my opinion. First they protect humanity at all costs, blah fucking blah, then they go out and use the machine made from human insides? Fucking nuts…

Creepy, seeing the leftovers of the giant robot…Bad memories. We kept going, though. I could tell the Illusive Man was close. Hell, I thought I might get a chance to catch that goddamn Kai Leng mother fucker. The asshole was probably slower after getting shot in the fucking stomach...but you know how hard it is to take down Indoctrinated assholes, right?

So, fighting to the center of the base, where the Illusive Fuck's command room, office, what the fuck ever it was. Some stupid fucking assholes decided to get in our way. Vega's war cry, Alenko tossing shit around, you know the story. There's only one way Johnny and his boys fight.

Beat the fuckers to a pulp and then we blasted our way to where the Prothean shit was. The VI we were there for. Whatever the fuck you want to call it. Ha, I may or may not have forgotten about the robot shit on our way there, but turns out that it was important, like T'soni said. She would've been able to help me understand it a bit better, but the message was pretty damn simple: the Crucible would work. Problem was, the final piece was the Citadel...and the Illusive Man had moved it to Earth. They did _not _teach that particular bit in the academy.

_A question_.

Yeah, I didn't quite get it myself. He wanted to... I dunno. It wasn't very _illusive_ of him... Ha! The VI talks to us, I guess Alenko paid attention. I was too worried...I mean distracted by the Cerberus bitches trying kill us. Led by Kai Fucking Leng who _still_ couldn't come at me alone. If he was a real fighter, he would have challenged me one on one, like Saren did. But, nooo, he brought a bunch of his little shits with him. Spouted off some "Shepard, you'll die" nonsense, all bullshit. Vega dispatched the super husks while I did a quick biotic charge into Leng's chest. The asshole didn't know what what he was thinking...

Leng went flying into the wall, slumped down because I knocked the wind out of him. On my walk over to take him out, I got disrupted by some of the little bitches that reminded me of Jackie... Killed them just as fast as normal troops, though. By the time I was done with them, though, goddamn Leng was zipping around taking pot-shots at me with his hand laser... Fuck him!

_The interviewer murmurs_.

Of course I was pissed off! Why the fuck wouldn't he fight me? Just... Fuck he was pissing me off. I finally fucking lost it and just did a giant biotic shove in his general direction. Blasted a hole in the wall the size of an Atlas, clipped Leng on the way over. Knocked the fucker down, disintegrated a few troopers, and had me glowing like a fucking vat of eezo.

Strolled over the to downed asshole while Alenko dealt with the fleet and Hackett...they were working up plans, but I had more important things to deal with. Picked up Leng by his goddamn throat and began to squeeze...make it slow for him right? When he tried to take me out wit his sword, I grabbed it and snapped it in half... Sure, it cut my hand nasty, but I did the job. Then I started to tear...

_The interviewer requests Shepard to stop_.

Suddenly you're squeamish? Fuck you, Pully. Fine, let's make it short, okay? Ripped his arms off, ripped his legs off. Slowly...He screamed the whole time. I guess I was taking my whole frustrating with Cerberus out on him. Leng was a cocky asshole, too, so that wasn't going for him. Some of you assholes probably think I'm still loyal to Cerberus. Now though? I don't think so.

Threw him on the ground and broke his fucking neck. Don't fucking cross Johnny, right?

_A pause and comment_.

Yeah, yeah, I'll continue. I want a goddamn drink because we're on the home stretch, now. Ready for "the end?"

* * *

><p><em>AN: Thanks for reading and, as always, please leave some feedback. This is my shortest chapter so far because, frankly, content was limited. Johnny would have no interest in Sanctuary, so that particular plot point was ignored. Who cares about civilians? _

_If the chapter seems rushed, it is. Shepard (I) wanted to get this out of the way. The finale is close._

_Now some good/bad news. I will not be posting next Tuesday, but the following one (9/25). I need to clean up the end a bit._


	35. Operation Neptune

_A/N: So here it is. The following is Johnny Shepard's story. It may stray from canon but will follow the same path. We're at Earth, now, so the finish line is in sight. Thanks to stnemele for the editing and Bioware for owning Mass Effect. _

_(The chapter title is based off of the operation name of the Normandy invasion of occupied France in 1944.)_

_FYI, I updated the first chapter...the author now has a name (although never stated by Shepard)._

* * *

><p>Deeeelicious. Nothing like some scotch to get you ready for the finale. The end of my Mass Effect, Pully...<p>

It was a straight run from the Cerberus base to Earth...the Citadel was the last piece of the gun...I mean Crucible. The Prothean VI let us know shit. Blah fucking blah, it was time to fucking go. Two fleets, one as a pure offensive force, one as a shield for the finished part of the Crucible. Ha, appropriately named "Sword" and "Shield" respectively. Staging zone was behind Neptune.

Yes, I just said "respectively." My vocabulary gets better with some fire water inside, heh?

The _Normandy_ rode with Sword, which was made up of Alliance, Geth, and Citadel fleets. Fucking ships the size of fighters all the way to the massive dreadnaughts... The Geth even had their biggest ship leading the way, fully prepared to fuck shit up. Our big guns were up front, ready to go... Scouts said the Citadel was parked in orbit with a wall of Reapers around it. Hackett had to punch a hole through those Reapers so I could land and fuck up the Reapers on the ground. So we swung the first punch, the first dent in that fucking Reaper wall.

If we would've been in atmosphere, the fucking world would have shaken with all the firepower going at once. Shockwaves caused by the MAC cannons from those two famous cruisers _Forward Unto Dawn_ and _Pillar of Autumn_ would've devastated cities, but barely crippled the biggest Reapers. Red and Gold groups made slashing runs through the enemies, dodging the little laser eyes the whole time... Blew up a Reaper, but only three of the original thirty made it out. Some hero kid, Walker, made the final shot. The madness of the battle though, it was incredible...I honestly had never been involved in a space fight before.

_The interviewer expresses surprise_.

I know, right? I do work on the ground I suppose. Biotics and a shogun don't do shit in a starfighter, though... But hey, don't interrupt, I really want to tell this part! Two fleets this big, a battle this big, it won't happen again. While Cortez flew circles around the fucking Reapers, I watched and listened to the battle. I got to hear heroes and cowards, cries of happiness and of despair...but it was _my _fleet and I wanted to hear it.

Geth ships were transmitting in robot gibber-jabber so I couldn't tell what was happening...the Reaper upgrade made them more efficient, though. Taking losses, sure, but dealing massive fucking damage to the enemy. Beep boop beep, explosion!

Saw some freighter, the _Nostromo_, set off it's eezo core when it slammed into a Reaper. Beautiful blue explosion, if you ask me. Split the squid in half...

_Comment_.

You heard of that one? Ha, there were only seven crew and a fucking cat and those fuckers took out a Reaper...Hell of a story there...Could you imagine if a Rachni got loose on that ship? I bet those badasses would've killed it in ten minutes... Shit.

Anyway, there were ships like that everywhere, fighting I mean. For every explosion there was a burst of static ending someone's transmission forever. For each Reaper, fifty ships lost, both big and small. I wasn't going to lose though... I had to get to the surface...that's where the war would be won. Fighting on the ground, Johnny doing what he does best. Fucking up Reapers. We got some scrub pilot from a freight called the Aluminum Falcon to fly our Kodiak to the surface with the legions of others. Landing zone was Vancouver, my fucking city. Time to die, Reapers...

Damnit, that was fucking lame. Shit, it's like I'm in some goddamn movie... I'll try not to do that again, Pully...

_A question_.

Why? Oh yeah, we had to go to ground because the fucking Reapers closed the Citadel's arms. Find a way to open it from below? I don't fucking know, I'm no scientist. I was just leading the goddamn charge. We had to open to the goddamn station to use the big space gun...how anyone knew how it fucking worked is beyond me, but I bet T'soni could've told you. Ha, mentioned her again...

But yeah, going to ground to go back up into space...I know, sounds crazy, doesn't it? Crazy is my thing, though...

Fuck, another lame line. Shit, I must be tired or something...

_Shepard finishes his drink_.

Theeeerrreee we go. Went into the whole fight pretty damn confident...sure it was "impossible," but I did it before. Two suicide runs, fucking _death_...getting into a locked down Citadel isn't shit to Johnny... So off we went. Stepped onto the Kodiak with Alenko and Vega...scrub pilot shot us towards Earth with a few thousand troops for all kinds of species.

Ha. I got a funny feeling when I left the _Normandy_. Something like I wouldn't see it again. And I was damn right. Those fucking asshole Reapers blew up my goddamn ship.

We zoomed off the in the Kodiak for Earth... Heard the _Normandy_ call an SOS...and the drive core blew, taking out a few ships with it. No radio contact when Alenko called back. No more Cortez. No more Traynor... No more fucking AI... That fucking fish tank, that fucking security checkpoint...

_Shepard sighs_.

I know, Pully, I know. Maybe Joker _would _have kept my boat in the air. Maybe he wouldn't have. Doesn't matter now...the fucking thing is gone now. It was a little bit more fuel on the fire?

My ship wasn't anything, though, in the big picture. I had bigger fuckers to deal with, the giant Reaper bots that were tearing up my goddamn city. Vancouver was burned to shit...before I even fired a shot I was already tunnelling...time for some fucking payback. If my city was going to burn, _everything_ would burn. The first things to catch fire? The goddamn Reapers.

The three of us, Alenko, me, and Vega, we all jumped out of the Kodiak just in time for it to take a Harvester shot to the side. Poor bastard flying the thing died as soon as the shuttle hit the ground. Blamo. We had a bunch of tactical shit to do...first was taking out the anti-air batteries the Reapers put up. Fucking cannons were covered with husks from all species. Would've fought them the normal way, but we found some heavy weapons in the rubble dropped by a dead marine squad. Big old Cain, one shot and a massive fucking explosion. Vaporized the shit troops around it and knocked over every building in a ten block radius... Johnny was eleven blocks away, so I got to see the whole thing. Had my helmet on so the fucking blast didn't blind me.

Met up with some Elcor with auto-fire weapons strapped to their backs. Fucking tanks, Pully. Those slow bastards aren't anything to fuck with...sure, you'd think you could just walk up behind them, but the goddamn guns they carry track you everywhere. Ha, would've been interesting to have a few Elcor on my team way back when. Probably would've died because they're so goddamn slow, but still... It'd be cool, you know?

_The interviewer is skeptical_.

Fuck you, Pully. I'm not saying that...well, the Elcor never fucked humanity, so they aren't that bad in my fucking opinion. Their pudgy Volus buddies were fucking trash, though. Bunch of gas breathing cowards...

_Comment_.

God damnit! I don't need your fucking back-talk, Pully. Fucking shit head...Sass bastard.

So we're fighting along, setting up a forward base to "regroup." Nursing wounds and shit. Alenko took a couple shots in our landing zone, but other than that we were golden. Final objective was a few klicks away...some grav lift that the Reapers set up to enter the Citadel. Probably harvesting organics and shit, so not exactly sanitary, but it was the only way in. Fucking Reapers...the fuckers just...

_A question_.

Are you fucking kidding me, Pully? Of course I was furious. My goddamn city was burning around me. _My _city. I wasn't worried about civies or anything, but everything was fucked. The river a fucking mess...towers knocked over. A fucking Reaper goop pile in the goddamn park. They ruined it, Pully. They ruined my goddamn home. We happened to pass the hospital where Widow shot me...the thing was levelled. I mean... it was all of Earth was like that, but.. Fuck the Reapers. Fuck them. Assholes just...

_Hesitation_.

They took Jackie, fucking took my city, my goddamn planet. They should've known not to fuck with Johnny... No one fucks with Johnny. They made it personal all the way since Saren... Johnny versus the Reapers.

So it was me across the wasteland to that fucking sky beam shit. Up the to the Citadel, activate the Crucible, and fuck up the Reapers. Alenko was ready for anything and so was Vega. I mean _anything_. Death, too. I saw them make their peace with whoever they knew. The guys talked to whoever through some comm terminal. Vega had some buddies, Alenko actually had some girl he talked to. Must have been fucking her...

Ha, I had no one. Probably because everyone I ever met fucking died...

_Hesitation and a comment_.

Yeah, the final charge. I had a fucking force behind me, going straight up the middle, straight towards the beam. A squad of krogan, some Elcor tanks... There were vorcha and geth covering our flanks. Good old Alliance grunts speckled between. A few salarian gunships for cover. This was legit, Pully. A real fight, the last hope and shit. Everything was expendable, everyone was expendable and they all knew it. Fucking krogan were looking forward to death, the geth emotionless. Vorcha smelly and doing their weird smile shit. The jabber of salarians above...and off we went.

Immediate resistance from all directions. The vorcha crawling through buildings taking down snipers, krogan charging into krogan husks, Elcor shelling the bigger enemies, Alliance marines screaming as they charged.

And me? Raging as always. Biotic charge into a group of turian husks, shotgun flying through clips like there was no tomorrow. There _was_ no tomorrow. Alliance biotics tossing Reaper shits all over the place, assists out the ass. Taking heavy losses as I ordered everyone forward... The vorcha were getting slaughtered on our flanks...who fucking cares about them? Krogan weren't exactly brilliant and they kept dropping. Salarian gunships going down everywhere. The Elcor were dead in minutes.

But I kept going. Humans kept going. Fuck aliens...humanity showed that it's the best of the best that day. Number one species. Even the grunts did their duty. I respected them for once. No questioning my authority, no questioning what to do, what I did. Blasting through to the end. Blasting through bad guys. Sure, there were cowards that took cover, that retreated. Shot them on the spot as motivation to keep others going forward...

_An exclamation_.

What? Pully, they were already dead.

Huh... I guess all of them were by the time we made it to our next stop. A fucking Reaper parked itself in our way, so we moved some Thalinx... thalanx... Whatever they're fucking called, missiles. Didn't have a decent firing solution, though, so beep boop beep, aiming in would take a few minutes. By the time the missile trucks pulled up, it was just the three of us. Kaidan Badass Alenko, James um...Badass Vega, and Johnny Fucking Shepard. Almost like three horsemen... Those were the days.

Pully, could you imagine if I had my full team? Holy shit, that would've been unstoppable...

_Sarcastic reply_.

Fuck. You. I didn't kill them, they fucking betrayed me. You shut the fuck up...

So it's up to the three of us to hold down the position around the missile launchers. Alenko and Vega, they were with me one hundred percent...hurt and fucked up to all hell, but ready to go. Judging by the radio we were in for a fight. We knew it wouldn't be a contest for kills this time, Pully... As lame as it sounds, it was really just a fight for our lives. Ha, in hindsight, that was the most important point in the war. Shepard's last stand...

We took cover, stocked up on as much ammo as possible and waited...

_Interjection_.

Tense? You fucking kidding me, Mr. Pulitzer? Of course it was fucking tense. Hell, maybe even nervous. Yes, the exalted Johnny was _nervous_. You would be too if there were fucking hundreds of Reaper husks bearing down on you with big Reapers off in the distance staring you down. The Reaper blare, that bass goes off... A banshee's shriek... A roar from a Brute...

And here they came. All three of us swore as we opened fire. There wasn't any charging here, no Rage. Just focus. Sure, I already had a nosebleed from over-using my amp, but it was mostly grenades and shit...seemed to go on forever. Heard radio contact from a hundred different people. Anderson yelling "Hold them off!" and "We're being overrun!" from random Alliance grunts. Geth beeps and whistles...I fought the whole time. Dip, duck, dive. Shoot, punch, shockwave. Movement, colors, bullets. Pain, burns, broken arm. Missiles...

Then, all of the sudden, it was over. Vega lay ten yards away under a pile of Reaper husks he took out. Barely alive, but still functional. Alenko was covered head to toe in Reaper goop from the banshees. Apparently I was covered with a mix of red, blue, and green blood. We'd just fought off a fucking platoon...batallion...whatever the Reapers call it. A horde?

_The interviewer sits in silence_.

Speechless, Pully? We were too. Fucking Anderson and his convoy pop over the hill as soon as we killed the last Reaper husk like the fuckers were waiting for us to finish. Bullshit if you ask me... I was too goddamn tired to argue, though.

One last run, then. Missiles took out the Reaper and then...We were almost at the finish line.

I finally got to the beam. Well, the hill above the beam that'd would take me straight to my enemies. The Illusive Man was up there, the key to destroying the Reapers was up that crazy shaft of light. One final step...

Pully, I was goddamn exhausted...one last run, though, one last push. There was literally a finish line a few hundred yards away. So close that tactics went out the window... The plan was "run at the beam" and that's exactly what we fucking did. Sure, there were Reaper reinforcements, but we were so goddamn close. Hell, Harbinger even showed up. But this was the end... Now or never, as they say.

Every human, every salarian, every krogan, every geth...well, let's just go with anyone that could move...was going to make the charge. It was short and simple, similar to Torfan. Vega and Alenko were still with me somehow, determined and badass as ever. So we went. There wasn't even and order...I just started running. The whole fucking galaxy following Johnny into battle. Something like that will never happen again. Someone like _me_ will never happen again... You'll never see anything like me again, Pully. Johnny Fucking Shepard, leading the charge. Hell, I was leading the fucking galaxy...

Tunnel vision...explosions...I saw guys all around me get vaporized by the Reaper beams. A few husks jumped out, they took down some salarians. Alenko and Vega flanked me...at first. We spread out...Vega got crushed by a crashing Kodiak. I saw that for sure...felt a bit of regret there. He was one of the rare good soldiers the Alliance spits out. The poor bastard didn't even get to die a worthy death. Alenko...

_A quiet question_.

No. I don't know what happened to Kaidan...his life signs just disappeared on my HUD like he wasn't ever there. No shout, no static, no beeps...just _gone_. He was my last teammate, the final one to die. Stuck with me through Saren, dealt with me socking him on Horizon, forgave me for killing the Council... I definitely changed the fucker for the better.

He just … vanished. Poof... I'd like to pretend he just fell over or some shit, but my last friend was gone for sure.

But...yeah. I didn't stop for a second. I led the charge through it all. I kept running... Down the hill, closer...

_Shepard hesitates_.

And then the big Reaper, Harbinger, fired... I felt myself fly into the air, slam into the ground, and everything went dark.

_A long pause_.

Wow, that was fucking lame. "Everything went dark?" No, no, that's some shitty novelist's version. How about "I passed the fuck out..." Yeah, I passed the fuck out from the mighty beam of fucking asshole death. Threw me into the air, knocked the breath out of me. Johnny survived, though...I always survive.

* * *

><p><em>AN: And that's Earth. Hope you all liked it. Lots of fun in this chapter, I thought. Hope you got some of the references._

_Unfortunately for you readers, next week will be the end. The last bit from Johnny and there will be a minor Epilogue provided by the interviewer; also, I'll be posting my thoughts on this "adventure." _

_Once again, favorite/follow/review...you know the typical stuff. And for one last time, until next Tuesday!_


	36. Remember The Butcher

_A/N: And here we are. The end. I'll keep this short...thank's the stnemele for editing and Bioware for creating._

* * *

><p>So, I was pretty damn fucked up from fighting for ten straight fucking hours. I kind of staggered towards the beam, for the last few yards. Took out Marauder Shields on the way...<p>

_Question_.

Oh, I don't know! Figured I would name the last Reaper husk I killed? He told me that was his name? I'm mildly insane? Who fucking cares? I shot a turian husk, hoorah for Johnny.

Sarcasm, Pully... Wow, I haven't said that since... Huh, I just haven't said it. Go figure. The story got a bit darker, hasn't it? That's what a fucking war will do to shit…There's chasing a bunch of assholes and then there's fighting a goddamn war. Two different monsters if you ask me.

I mean, not that I minded. Yeah.

_Comment_.

No, no more asides. I want to get to the end. I'm tired of this room, tired of this chair. Tired of you? Maybe, I'm not sure. Haven't decided that yet.

_Shepard smirks_.

So yeah, up this grav beam I went. Why? I don't fucking know. I just knew the final objective was up above, the Illusive Man up there, too. Popped out on the Citadel in some Keeper tunnel, gray human mush everywhere. Reapers might've been using it for building another human Reaper. Trudged through the muck, the cracked up armor, ripped up clothes, crunch of leftover bones… Shit, I was fucking covered in everything. My blood, geth insides, husk liquids, the shitty gray… Probably smelled terrible, ha.

Anyway, finally got to some secret part of the Citadel. The Crucible was plugging into the station, blah blah science shit… Hackett going on about how I'm the last hope. Hope… There is no fucking hope, Pully. Bullshit concept. It's just a stupid word…hope is like trust; it leads to shitty things. But… Crucible and Citadel connecting, right.

One last obstacle, though. The fucking Illusive Man was standing between me and the goddamn panel that did something. He was blocking it so I figured the fucking thing was important. There the fucker was, finally face to face. I knew my fucking biotics were glowing, the fucking cybernetic shit pulsing under my skin.

I was ready to rip him apart…

_A question from the interviewer_.

Say stuff? Yeah, he just started monologuing about how he wanted to control the Reapers, how he'd use them for humanity. I don't fucking give a shit…they needed to die. Remember, Johnny versus the goddamn Reapers. Controlling them…ha, a fucking ridiculous idea. There's no way anyone would be able to control those robot fuckers.

Oh, by the way, the Illusive Fucker was Indoctrinated beyond all hell. He's fucking standing there with his skin all rotted away, supposed fucking upgrades under his skin. Smelled like rotting flesh, too. Gross fucking guy…still wearing his goddamn suit though. At least he'd die classy, right?

Johnny let him talk for a few minutes, but the pressure from the Indoctrin... I had a headache, yeah... I finished his goddamn speech with a bullet to the chest. Not a killing shot, of course. Enough to collapse a lung, though. He went down, stunned that the mighty Shepard wasn't looking for power. No one understands, Pully! I'm in it for me! Power doesn't matter. Revenge. Killing. Death. That's what matters to Johnny…

Strolled on up to the fuckers pathetic body, stomped on his arm till it fell off. Hard work, by the way, dismembering with only blunt force. Remember, too, I was fucked beyond all hell… Bleeding from fucking everywhere, same old shit… Illusive Fucker crying out for mercy on the ground while I pummeled him to death. Biotic punches to the limbs that dented the goddamn floor… Broken bones everywhere. He realized that he should've _never_ fucked with Johnny. No one does, no one gets away with it.

_Murmur_.

Come on, Pully…ninety nine percent of the galaxy wanted that goddamn asshole dead. I was doing them a favor, again. I was happy to obli…oblij…do it for them. Tore the fucker apart. And he screamed.

The whole goddamn time, Pully, the whole goddamn time. Music to my fucking ears.

One final stomp on his mutated Indoctrinated piece of shit ugly fucking head and Cerberus was gone. Finally. Fuckers went at me a thousand too many times. So, there I was, all alone with the galaxy at my fingertips. Time to activate the space gun, the Reaper killer, the war winner…

Pully, I wish I could say something incredible happened up on the Citadel when I turned on the Crucible. Kicked the Illusive Man's mangled arm around, sure, but nothing else. No galactic revelation, no AI telling me fucking history... Just a button. Pressed it, started up the Crucible and...dead Reapers. "Experts" say that the giant gun reversed a massive code sent at FTL speeds to all Reapers everywhere. A communication system or some shit. Something Sovereign would have used back if it made it through the Citadel relay. The signal turned into a kill code, though. The Crucible was actually pretty incredible...used the bastards' own tech against them.

The signal hit every goddamn Reaper in the galaxy. Weaker ones on the ground just fell over. Reapers in space went limp and got torn apart by frigates and shit. Stronger Reapers tried to fight, but just couldn't hold up. Sure, it was too late for Palaven, but they fucking deserved that. Thessia was only half destroyed so I guess I "saved" them, too. Unintentional, of course. I got to see some of the bigger ones get torn up in the space around the Citadel. A shame I couldn't fire a shot at them, but it was satisfying to say the least. I beat a fucking army…

_Skepticism_.

No, it was all me. You fucking assholes couldn't have won without Johnny. Fuck you, Pully, I didn't get help. All fucking me. Husks dropped dead, the Harvesters crash landed…beautiful sights on the vids. Fucking brilliant…

A bit anti-climactic, eh? Button press and blamo, a win. Harbinger _did_ get what was coming to him, at least.

_Comment and question_.

Well he was my last kill, Pully. My final enemy. The Reaper fucker zipped up to the Citadel once it knew I was turning on the space gun. How it got there and knew something was wrong, I won't ever know. The fucking Reaper was weak, though...machines always have that little weakness for a few lines of coding.

Anyway, Harbinger pretty much Reaper limps to the Citadel to find me, maybe take its last revenge? Funny sight, that was. I was on one of the station's arms, relaxing as I bled out. I was actually fucking happy then. Just sitting...I don't think I ever had a good "sit" in my life... Just bleeding and relaxing. I was finished, ya know? Beat the Reapers, destroyed the turians, revenge for Jackie. Just a sit.

_A long pause_.

Um, yeah. Want to know a funny sight, Pully? A fucking Reaper panicking. Ha ha ha, their movements get all zippy, horns get higher in pitch. Holy shit, I was laughing my ass off. That's how the fucker found me...because I was laughing, I mean. Thing is, Harbinger wasn't shit at that point. It came at me, ready to vaporize me, but it just kind of collapsed...

The red eye just staring at me. Slowly trying to get close, get a shot, but it was too fucking weak...fucking computers. So I fired my final shot, my final attack in the goddamn war. Johnny versus the Reapers...

It was a single bullet to the center eye of the biggest Reaper. The leader. Smack in the center...took the robot down immediately. It just collapsed while I fucking laughed myself to the point of pain. Hysterical, Pully, it was fucking hysterical. Ha ha ha ha, I fucking won!

Ha ha ha, shit...I fucking _won_! All me. All me...

_A grin._

So yeah, that was the end of the Reapers. The virus shit killed them all across the galaxy... Passed out right next to the dead fucking "body" of the big Reaper...would've been nice to die then. Of course I couldn't, though. Assholes needed your goddamn hero, the savior of the galaxy... You know the rest. It's goddamn history...

_Sighs from the interviewer and Shepard_.

I know... Fucking medals, parades, memorials. All of it pissed me off. No one got it...I never did anything for them. Just...fuck. Obnoxious. I played hero for a while, sure. Then the tapes of the assassinations surfaced, evidence of Genophage tampering. Murders, blah fucking blah. Suddenly the hero isn't so great anymore.

No shit, right? I never claimed to be a fucking nice guy. Fucking hell... Anyway, the new government needed someone to blame the near extinction of three species on, outside of Cerberus and the Reapers. Why? I don't fucking know. Maybe people just don't like me...

_Shepard smirks_.

But my Mass Effect was...is over. Now I'm here talking to you, Percy, so someone can hear the non-vid version of Commander John Shepard, not that glitter covered pussy version the media puts forward and the snarling rabid dog that the courts portray.

I'm Johnny Shepard. The real person, who was there through it all. I know what really happened, who actually did what. The fucking journey... I'm the man that ended the Reds, the fucking soldier that killed Saren, Reaper slayer. Johnny Fucking Shepard...it was all me. The Xenocide, the quarian killer, the destroyer of that fucking batarian system, the assassin who killed the Council, the street rat who killed the Reds, the god that killed Reapers. It was me. All me, Pully, all me. I'm Commander Johnathan David Shepard, Alliance Navy. Badass...the best in the fucking galaxy. I guess I deserve the nickname, though. I _did_ kill a lot of people... Yup, Percival, you're right...

I'm The Butcher.

* * *

><p><strong>Afterword<strong>:

_Former Commander John Shepard spent 82 days in prison while awaiting a trial with the newly formed United Species Alliance. During his stay, twenty three prison guards (primarily turian) were attacked and injured. Shepard killed fourteen fellow inmates, most of whom were incarcerated on charges such as treason and desertion._

_Representatives from the now defunct Systems Alliance, Vol Protectorate, Council of Dekuuna, the Turian Remenant, and Salarian Union presided over the trial of the most hated man in the galaxy. Likely due to backroom corruption and votes in exchange for personal favors, the tribunal decided four votes to one for Shepard's innocence, with the condition of banishment to the Terminus Systems. Despite the outrage expressed by the various warring Asari Republics, nearly all turians, and the remaining krogan clans, the new Council allowed the "Butcher" to leave. As of the publishing of this transcript, John Shepard has evaded or killed his monitors and is considered very dangerous. He is the most wanted man in the galaxy._

- _Percy Gillet (Pulitzer Prize for Journalism, 2188)_

* * *

><p><em>AN: So there you have it. _"The Butcher" _is finished. It'd been an interesting ride, writing this guy. I never thought I would hit 100K words (or the FFN equivalent. The line breaks count as multiple words for some reason). Thirty six chapters, over a hundred reviews. From the first post in March (I started writing before ME3's release, by the way) all the way to freaking October! I spent a lot more time on this that I thought I would. _

The Butcher _started out as a third person narrative based on the Shepard twins, John and Jane. The idea was to have one of them die by the end of the series...remember, there is only one Shepard. But, for everyone's benefit, that idea was scrapped when Stnemele informed me that I am absolutely terrible at writing third person narrative and any imagery. I figured I'd try writing first person a real Renegade Shepard, which leads me to my next point._

_The Mass Effect series is fantastic, do not get me wrong. The number one problem through the series, though, is that you still save everyone no matter how "Renegade" you become. When compared to Paragon (blue) Shepards, the Renegade (red) are really, when it comes down to it, just asshole versions of the Blues. You let a few people die, punch a few guys, but the outcome is the same; Blue and Red are just conversation (and quick action) options. The endings do not change. "Johnny" allowed me to write a real bad guy playing "hero." Some may call him an anti-hero, but the character doesn't even deserve that. He is a villian that happens to agree with the general populace on a base level. As Ivan Drago once said, "I fight for me!"_

_When looking back on this story, I see a change in the tone of the story as it goes. At the beginning, Johnny is very aloof, going on silly asides, expressing sarcasm (Sarcasm, Pully!), and just plain lighter. However, with the dawning of ME2, I saw a change in how I wrote him and how the story went. People needed to start dying, characters that I like. Garrus' fall was the first step, which I had been planning since the beginning. As for the survivors of the SM, I chose the characters I needed for Mass Effect 3 long before I started writing the Suicide Mission (In fact, I was usually about five chapters ahead of where I was posting, so all those "Should I continue?" questions were moot.) Jack's death (by the way, I never liked Jack in the game) was a lot more important than I thought it would be. I wrote the character deaths (Tali, Garrus, Liara) weeks before I wrote the actual chapters, too. Surprisingly enough, it turns out that I knew what I was doing...although I did come up with the end two weeks ago._

_I want to finish this ramble with a giant "Thank you" to everyone who read. This wouldn't have been possible without you and I thank you all...if anyone ever needs someone to edit, I'm around. (I need _something _to do at work, afterall...) But, thank you. Readers provide a good deal of motivation to continue and...oh yeah, I forgot. Sometimes you guys were "Pully." I used him as a device to talk to some of you and actually get some points across without acknowledging you...tricky, eh? Sometimes it was even aimed at Stnemele, my editor (one final plug for _Delving Into Hell_ now). _

_But, thanks to you all. It's been an experience. Never forget the importance of feedback, reviewing, critiquing...it's the best way to learn and improve. Hopefully you guys do a better job on other stories than you have on this one. (_A smirk.) _Seriously, though...thank you. __I hope you won't forget Johnny. I might, so someone needs to remember the Butcher... _

_- GoogleFloobs (James)_

_P.S. I've been thinking about doing something like Cerberus News Network to cover the aftermath of Johnny. PM me with opinions!_


	37. Additional Reading

For all following this story/just reading:

I've decided to start two "companion pieces" to _The Butcher_.

The first piece will be the _Terra Firma Republic Network_. It will be similar to the Cerberus News Network, but following the post-Mass Effect 3 events. There will be goofy pieces and important galactic news...updates will likely be sporadic because that's just how news works! I'm not sure how long it will go, but I do have a plan for this one (for once).

Second will be _The Butcher: Crew Logs_. This will be "personal entries" of crew members from Torfan and both _Normandys_. It'll provide a different view of Johnny...hopefully. The chapters will be just from one crew member with multiple entries, so it shouldn't be that long.

For both pieces, posting will begin October 25th. Check my profile for update information.

Thanks!


End file.
